Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all! We have been experiencing an issue on site where threads have been missing the latest postings. The platform host Vanilla are working on this issue. A workaround that has been used by some is to navigate back from 1 to 10+ pages to re-sync the thread and this will then show the latest posts. Thanks, Mike.
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

Swimming (A Poem) - feedback appreciated

  • 07-10-2014 12:50pm
    #1
    Eartha Braveheart
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭


    And so from the heights of a top bunk
    We plunged
    Into the wet depths of a deep blue sea

    As children we couldn't have understood that no lifeboats would come
    That one would swim ashore, while the other threaded water endlessly
    Incapable of forgetting the coloured fish and dizzying euphoric rush of salt on wet skin

    Mermaids they were
    Half legged and half other that no one else could understand

    Yet you walked ashore and resigned me to a life as a whale

    Coming back on occasional twilight eves
    To swim with me in the moonlight
    To dance under the waves

    Water pounding against our eardrums
    Eyes flooding with burning confusion
    And yet it's calm

    DRUM DRUM DRUM
    and what is that whoosh and crash
    The rushing promise of you coming home...

    It's gone forever.

    You crash upon that shore
    Green blue turns to white
    And I sing this lonely whale song

    Having become woman you can't possibly understand.

    So I wait.

    To be harpooned,
    Or to drown, to die.


Comments

  • #2
    floutingmaxims
    Registered Users Posts: 764 ✭✭✭floutingmaxims


    Ok sure, I'll have a go :pac:

    In the third line, I would say to leave out the word 'wet'. It is needless, that the sea is wet really goes without saying. It doesnt do anything for the poem rhythmically either. Its better without it. [Unless, you know, it's all metaphorical in which case I suppose it's grand ;-)]

    You tread water, you don't thread it :D

    Coming back on occasional twilight eves
    To swim with me in the moonlight
    To dance under the waves

    Water pounding against our eardrums
    Eyes flooding with burning confusion
    And yet it's calm

    DRUM DRUM DRUM
    and what is that whoosh and crash
    The rushing promise of you coming home...

    It's gone forever.

    ^^ Those are my favourite stanzas.

    Just one question. Why a whale?


  • #3
    Eartha Braveheart
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37 ✭Eartha Braveheart


    Thanks for the feedback.

    Yeah the wet was metaphorical but I note your point about rhythm and flow - I'll consider removing it.

    As for the whale, it's a poem about loneliness and abandonment. And what I was envisioning was this great old blue whale who should be powerful and strong but who really just has this sea all to himself and is so isolated and tired.


  • #4
    Lalealea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 212 ✭✭Lalealea


    A whale doesn't really convey loneliness to me.

    How about you bring in other aspects of the sea. The lonesome fisherman or a mariner alone with his stories the tavern, dried up salty and talking in his own mind.

    But I really like it.

    I like the way you emphasize rhythm.

    Well done! :-)


  • #5
    Just Janice
    Registered Users Posts: 45 ✭Just Janice


    Good for you Eartha.
    Keep at it


Advertisement