Sick of being single, i need a woman

Banjodave1930 · 10-04-2015 9:13pm #1

Hi all,

Right so thought I give this a go. Im sick of being single, im a 25 year old alright looking fella. I moved to from Donegal to Dublin about a year a go. I don't really know anybody down here, well apart from the fellas at work, but cant really see myself going out for a pint with them well maybe if I made the effort but anyway, I really want and need to meet someone, id be fairly shy so I don't know to go about it. I know a nightclub would be best but theres bound others places?? Im not on tinder or anything I've a brick of a phone and couldn't be arsed with online dating, any suggestions?

Thanks.

MagicMarker · 10-04-2015 9:15pm

Why can't you be arsed with online dating? It's the easiest solution to your problem.

fits · 10-04-2015 9:15pm

Yeah. Forget about women for a while and get a life first. Sorry if that sounds harsh but women are attracted to guys have their own stuff going on and not looking to them for all the answers.

Topper Harley · 10-04-2015 9:22pm

"...maybe if I made the effort...", "...couldn't be arsed..." This is and will continue to be your problem. If you couldn't be arsed and won't make an effort, you probably won't even make any friends let alone find yourself a girlfriend.

Once you start getting more involved with people in general, it won't feel like such effort any more.

Wibbs · 10-04-2015 9:27pm

Maybe this might be better off in the Relationships issues forum hereabouts, but for the moment I'll leave it here BD. If you want it moved let me know

smash · 10-04-2015 9:48pm

To get a social life, join some clubs and participate in events. To get dates, get a new phone and get on tinder.

Pat Mustard · 10-04-2015 11:30pm

Banjodave1930 wrote: »

Hi all,

Right so thought I give this a go. Im sick of being single, im a 25 year old alright looking fella. I moved to from Donegal to Dublin about a year a go. I don't really know anybody down here, well apart from the fellas at work, but cant really see myself going out for a pint with them well maybe if I made the effort but anyway, I really want and need to meet someone, id be fairly shy so I don't know to go about it. I know a nightclub would be best but theres bound others places?? Im not on tinder or anything I've a brick of a phone and couldn't be arsed with online dating, any suggestions?

Thanks.

This could probably be put more elegantly but I think that people meet people through other people.

You want to meet women but don't want to do online dating? Okay, find out what activities women do and do those things. Then you will meet women. Ten years ago or more it was Salsa Dancing. I don't think that's a really a big thing anymore - I dunno. But yoga is a fairly big thing these days. You could also try hillwalking. And there's always Tag Rugby.

Some people are very proactive when it comes joining clubs for the purpose of meeting people. These are the people who meet people. They aren't necessarily the better looking people or those with the most engaging personalities. They are people who put themselves out there. The numbers are in their favour.

From what I read of your OP, you don't sound like somebody who has had an awful amount of experience at putting yourself out there. I could be wrong but I think that social skills are like muscles; some people have natural affinity but others have varying degrees of practise. I'd hazard a guess that with a bit of practise, you'd do well. Maybe you could start with going out for pints with the lads at work. It could happen that if one their wives or girlfriends might spot you and figure that you could get on well with one of their single friends - you'd never know.

It seems to me that men who do well with the ladies aren't necessarily the lookers (who often do well); it's the confident guys. Confidence is not just naturally acquired, it's developed. Meet people, get on well with them, become confident. On many levels that is far too simplistic but if we go back to my analogy of social skills with muscles, I think that it makes sense at the same time.

So maybe go for pints with the lads and take it from there.

Dozer Dave · 11-04-2015 4:17am

Pat Mustard wrote: »

You want to meet women but don't want to do online dating? Okay, find out what activities women do and do those things. Then you will meet women. Ten years ago or more it was Salsa Dancing. I don't think that's a really a big thing anymore - I dunno. But yoga is a fairly big thing these days. You could also try hillwalking. And there's always Tag Rugby.

Salsa dancing ten years ago was not big either, yoga are you for real?

Your suggestion for finding out what women do and do those things may not be practically possible. :pac:

Get with the times op is my best suggestion, leave the past in the past.

Mister Vain · 11-04-2015 5:07am

Banjodave1930 wrote: »

I know a nightclub would be best but theres bound others places??

I think a nightclub is far from the best. Try other clubs that don't involve shouting in someones ear in a crowded place. Give the online dating a shot, you've nothing to lose.

Pat Mustard · 11-04-2015 7:08am

Dozer Dave wrote: »

Salsa dancing ten years ago was not big either, yoga are you for real?

Your suggestion for finding out what women do and do those things may not be practically possible. :pac:

Get with the times op is my best suggestion, leave the past in the past.

You can disagree all you want, I know several women who used to go salsa dancing ten years ago. I know several men that took up salsa dancing for the specific purpose of meeting women. Those men were successful. It's a lot easier to meet a woman in a room full of women than it is in a room full of men, which is the point.

'yoga, are you for real?', you ask. Yeah, women do yoga, which is the entire point.

You assert that it may not be practically possible to find out what women do. It's not as if popular female pastimes are some kind of secret. You are being unrealistic. This information is easily available.

The idea is to find what women do and do that in order to meet them. That's not something that is difficult, in itself. Let me give the best possible example. Men who study primary teaching or nursing will find themselves absolutely surrounded by women. All of those men pull. That is due to the numbers being in their favour. I am not suggesting that somebody should pursue a particular career path because of the likelihood of meeting women. The point was to show that women do certain things; do those things and you will meet them.

Qualitymark · 11-04-2015 9:20am

Maybe you need to narrow your sights, OP. What kind of woman do you want to meet? For instance, i took a baking class in Cake Cafe a while ago: 10 domestically-inclined middle-class women, one man (part of a couple).

MagicMarker · 11-04-2015 10:44am

Women don't go to Yoga to meet men.

Raging_Ninja · 11-04-2015 10:47am

MagicMarker wrote: »

Women don't go to Yoga to meet men.

Doesn't mean you can't get talking to them and get to know them.

Qualitymark · 11-04-2015 11:03am

And I'd guess that probably a good 80% of marriages are to men's best friends' sisters or friends or circle. Maybe you just need to build a wider and nicer circle of friends in the city, OP? Invite workmates over to dinner and out for pints, get to know men too.

GaGa21 · 11-04-2015 11:36am

Try meetup.com and join some groups that you have an interest in so u can meet people male and female similiar to yourself. It will help you socialise more in Dublin through different activities.They also have single events like speed dating if you just want to focus on that.

OnTheCouch · 11-04-2015 3:24pm

Yeah sadly OP, these things can often be quite a vicious circle. If you're not used to talking to women and hanging out with them, it's probably going to come across when you actually do and that in turn will reduce your chances of seeing those same women on a regular basis.

Whereas being shy is a trait that will endear you to a lot of people and is not something that should be dismissed out of hand, unfortunately when it comes to meeting women, it's certainly a handicap. This is because our society deems it proper that the men make the moves/do the chasing and in fairness, most men and women prefer it like this. I have had this conversation with many women in the past and they nearly always come up with something along the lines of 'oh I just wait for the men to come to me.' When pressed about what a quiet, shy guy should do, they also uniformly say something like 'emmm yeah, I don't know really, it's probably tough for him' which encapsulates the problem...even in 2015, many young women still expect and want men to adopt certain characteristics and possess certain traits in the dating game.

You just have to try and change your lifestyle bit by bit. As someone who is naturally quite shy myself, it has probably taken me at least ten years, if not more, to basically 'fake' it, to such a degree that now even though I can be still quite easy going and laid back, if I told people I was shy they'd see it as an outright lie. Developing my acting skills essentially. But even now, sometimes I find it really hard to motivate myself to talk to a strange girl.

I'm not a fan of online dating myself, something about it is too contrived, so I can see where your antipathy comes from, but I'd also stress buying a new phone. I'm not implying that all women are materialistic, but if you do have a brick, perhaps some may dismiss you automatically as a bit backward and unstylish without getting the chance to know the real you. Again not sure about the yoga, but it wouldn't hurt to try at the same time. Nightclubs, well an obvious place, but too much drink tends to scramble people's brains a bit so unless you're looking for something quick and easy, I wouldn't recommend it. I think it was Qualitymark who touched on perhaps the best and easiest solution, build your social circle, get to know your workmates, they have sisters and female friends I'm sure. Or even female work colleagues if you have any. It's a slow process, but if you build your social circle up enough, eventually you'll start meeting more and more people through it. And I certainly know from experience that it's far easier for a girl to gain your trust if you're a friend/relative/work colleague of someone she knows, than if you meet in a bar/club or after a few chats online. This may not be entirely logical, but you can see the thinking behind it I'm sure.

And learn to get rejected, it will help you immensely in the long-term. As men, unless we are stunningly handsome (and even then), we are bound to get rejected much more than we succeed, as that's the numbers game for you. Sometimes (and it's happened to me on more than one occasion), you meet this great girl somewhere and you really hit it off, but when you try to meet up on another occasion and are surprisingly met with reluctance, you then find out that she had a boyfriend and didn't tell you, or she was just using you for an amusing chat but had no interest in anything else. That's life, you simply have to get over it and move on. See it as a way of eliminating her and getting one step closer to the person who is right for you. Or think 'her loss.' This female behaviour can sometimes be very annoying sure, but none of us are perfect and we all have flaws.

Start dating girls whom you wouldn't ordinarily go for either also, if things don't work out, at least you are getting into the habit of meeting women and maybe if you stay friends, she can introduce you to attractive girls she knows and then things are a lot easier (see above). Get female friends, if nothing else it'll make it feel natural hanging out with girls, which as said before, will be obvious to them if you're not used to this.

Essentially you have to work on lots of little things over a long period of time. And then eventually, probably without you noticing, things will all come together and you'll have lots of different options when it comes to women. Of course you'll never be able to walk down Grafton Street and be hit on by members of the opposite sex, like attractive females sometimes are, but bear in mind your 'time in the sun' lasts a lot longer than it does for women and you're only 25 now.

Sure if you are single, don't know many people in the city and are naturally shy, it'll be tough at first, we won't lie to you. No women is going to voluntarily go knocking on your door for no-strings fun. But work on all aspects of your person, your sense of humour, your diet, exercise, clothes, style, be more proactive and try to have confidence in yourself (even though this is easier said than done). And have an open mind. Slowly but surely it should all start coming together.

Best of luck.

Pawwed Rig · 11-04-2015 10:49pm

MagicMarker wrote: »

Women don't go to Yoga to meet men.

You speak for all women? Sometimes chemistry just happens in places where we may not expect it whether that be yoga, a nite club, speed dating or a funeral.

Dozer Dave · 11-04-2015 10:56pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

or a funeral.

Must start buying the examiner and follow the deaths on the back page for my new social life.

QuinDixie · 11-04-2015 11:02pm

Join an Athletic club - full of fine women.
borrow a dog and walk it - good for the old chat

Pawwed Rig · 12-04-2015 8:03am

Dozer Dave wrote: »

Must start buying the examiner and follow the deaths on the back page for my new social life.

You'd be surprised

Mister Vain · 12-04-2015 8:39am

Dozer Dave wrote: »

Must start buying the examiner and follow the deaths on the back page for my new social life.

You could end up as lucky as this guy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWkqBRuwjeY

Day Lewin · 12-04-2015 8:47am

First step to getting people interested is to be an interesting person, yourself.

What are you interested IN? Then go and do that...enthusiasm is catching. Smile at the world and it will smile back.
Lurk in a self-absorbed bubble and the world will ignore you. [No offense meant]

Walk St Stephen's Green on Saturdays and Sundays. Smile at everyone. Somebody will smile back, take it from there!!

Mister Vain · 12-04-2015 9:11am

I think its important to do things that you're actually interested in too. Don't do salsa dancing if you hate dancing. Mutual interests are a good place to start. If you're doing something you don't like just to meet women, they will see through that. I used to think nightclubs were the answer. I thought if I frequented them often enough I would eventually meet someone, but the truth is I always hated them. Now I have some hobbies that I enjoy doing and have met some great people that way.

DavidRamsay99 · 13-04-2015 11:26am

Banjodave1930 wrote: »

Hi all,

Right so thought I give this a go.

Don't be so casual. This is a major problem that is eating you up inside. You are thinking about this 24/7. At the very least admit it and stop the understatment.

I'm sick of being single

Good. That's a foundation you can work on.

im a 25 year old alright looking fella.

You have to have a better opinion of your looks. If you don't like how you look then get a haircuit buy new clothes go on a diet hit the gym and go for runs. Whatever you have to do to feel attractive and look attractive.

I moved to from Donegal to Dublin about a year a go.

And what were you doing about this for the last year?

I don't really know anybody down here, well apart from the fellas at work, but cant really see myself going out for a pint with them well maybe if I made the effort but anyway

You do know people then don't you. The guys from work probably go for pints. Why not go with them? You know what women do? They go out with other girls they work with or hang out with and they meet groups of guys who are hanging out because the work together. That's how people usually meet up. You already have the means of meeting women and you don't use it.

I really want and need to meet someone, id be fairly shy so I don't know to go about it.

Neediness is a big turn off with women.

You shouldn't be thinking the first woman you go on a date with is going to be your long time girlfriend or wife. You should live in the moment and have no expectations.

Adopt an unaffected attitude, take things on the chin and not to heart and both compliments and insults should be water off a duck's back.

I know a nightclub would be best

How do you know that? Nightclubs are loud crowded and often you can't hear yourself think let alone talk to a woman and if you want something serious a nightclub is a poor choice because most people who go there are looking to get laid and most aren't successful. So it's unrealistic to expect to meet a woman if you are already inexperienced in that department. You might get lucky first time but you might be struck lightening too.

but theres bound others places??

50% of the population of Dublin is female so literally everywhere is good place to meet women.

Im not on tinder

Tinder is an excellent app for meeting the opposite sex.

I've a brick of a phone

Get a new phone then!

couldn't be arsed with online dating

The dating isn't online. The online dating site gives you the opportunity to exchange details with someone nice. You do the dating in the real world.

any suggestions?

Don't take life so seriously.

skallywag · 13-04-2015 1:42pm

Pat Mustard wrote: »

I know several men that took up salsa dancing for the specific purpose of meeting women. Those men were successful.

Agree completely with this. Couple of work colleagues joined up with the exact same intentions, they had no interest at all in Salsa dancing, and both achieved their goal!

j80ezgvc3p92xu · 13-04-2015 11:27pm

You hate being single because you do not know how to enjoy it. Relationships take so much time you never even released you had. Since I became single last year, I have been able to read tonnes of books I always wanted to but curiously never really had the time for, go hiking nearly every weekend, fishing regularly, joined the gym, going abroad next month... The list goes on and on. I hope I don't sound like one of those bitter "i don't need anyone" spinsters but right now I would be very reluctant to go into another relationship. Being single is just a tonne of fun if you use the time right.

Anyways if you are still not convinced I suppose I will share some of my "wisdom". From my observations, I think women just like men who are...masculine. Surprising, isn't it? I'm not talking about any of the PUA crap either. Don't dress like an effeminate (skinny jeans, 1D lookalike, you get the drift), carry yourself with a bit of decorum, get some nice cologne. When you talk to girls look 'em in the eye, say stuff that will make them giggle and flick their hair, if you have an opinion you feel strongly about hold to it, don't change it just to agree with them.. I am a fairly quiet guy with a face that can only be described as resembling something from a Picasso painting and yet I do not find myself wanting of female company. Good luck!

DavidRamsay99 · 14-04-2015 9:31am

Man up like David and you can't go wrong.

Look what he does. He walks into a house party, takes out some a hole ex-bf and gets laid by his grateful girl, intimidates the local arms dealer and then makes such a macho display the girl he is really after breaks up with her deadbeat boyfriend.

uck51js9zml2yt · 14-04-2015 9:48am

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

You speak for all women? Sometimes chemistry just happens in places where we may not expect it whether that be yoga, a nite club, speed dating or a funeral.

Nothing like a good mass for meeting someone.

ancapailldorcha · 14-04-2015 9:50am

DavidRamsay99 wrote: »

Man up like David and you can't go wrong.

Look what he does. He walks into a house party, takes out some a hole ex-bf and gets laid by his grateful girl, intimidates the local arms dealer and then makes such a macho display the girl he is really after breaks up with her deadbeat boyfriend.

I don't see how this is helpful.

Banjodave1930 · 14-04-2015 12:53pm

Hi again, first off id like to thank you all for taking the time to replying I didn't expect it. Some very helpful advice which I've taking on board. I've gotten big into cycling through cycling to work and joining a cycling club would definitely be the best first step to meeting new people and woman.

I feel I need to tell you little more about my self, I wasn't always as shy, when I was 17 I was full of confidence, was working away, parting all the time, had my own car, I would go with girls left and right. But I started to get heavy into smoking of the leafy kind, I actually left a job to sign on the dole to pursue my new hobby (I know I was young and a feckin ejit). I was still living at home so any of the money I got was mine to do what I wanted, so of course I spent it all on that. All of my friends where either working or at college so I spent most of my days on my own smoking. It got to the point that I actually preferred being by self, I wouldn't always answer my friends phone calls and the likes. To this day I still don't no why but I remember sitting in my friends house and thinking im never coming back here again for no reason what so ever, everyone else was having a laugh and I would be just sitting there saying nothing, Id already lost a load of my confidence at that stage. I felt like I couldn't have the craic any more, id be a total bore to people. I eventually stopped answer the phone to any of my friends. For years I did my own thing, mostly nothing. It was only last year that I got completely sick of my life and started really looking for jobs, I dropped in CVs all over and eventually got the call for the job in Dublin and jumped at it.
For the first 7 or 8 months at the job I could barely have a conversation with any of the lads, I was definitely the 'weird one' at work. Its only in the last couple of months that I have relaxed enough to have the craic with them and that's definitely down to cycle, healthy body healthy mind and all that. I still don't think though I ready to meet them for a pint, I still run out of convo fairly quick.
I know I just wrote a big spiel but had to get it out of me.
So Im going to take all your advice and put myself out there a bit more.
If you have any other help or advice it would be much appreciated

Thanks v.much again.

MightyMandarin · 14-04-2015 2:21pm

Honestly, I don't think you're ready for a gf yet, and if you started dating someone now, I don't think you would last too long together. Your confidence seems pretty low, so I'd suggest you forget about trying to meet women, and focus on just meeting new people.

Joining a cycling club would be a great idea, and I'd also encourage you to go out with the lads at work too. Throw yourself out there, and if opportunities arise to go on trips, go to events or whatever, take them.

Just try to put your desire for a girlfriend to one side, and focus on building up your confidence and making new friends, irrespective of their gender.

Best of luck to you, you sound like a nice guy.

Mister Vain · 14-04-2015 5:38pm

DavidRamsay99 wrote: »

Man up like David and you can't go wrong.

Look what he does. He walks into a house party, takes out some a hole ex-bf and gets laid by his grateful girl, intimidates the local arms dealer and then makes such a macho display the girl he is really after breaks up with her deadbeat boyfriend.

Yep, smashing someones head into a wall is the answer to the op's problem.

Pat Mustard · 14-04-2015 11:00pm

Qualitymark wrote: »

i took a baking class in Cake Cafe a while ago: 10 domestically-inclined middle-class women, one man

^^^^^^^^^^
Dunno how I missed this post earlier. Top suggestion.

seraphimvc · 15-04-2015 12:29am

tinder. easy.

fits · 15-04-2015 8:26am

Wow. I just wanted to say well done for getting yourself out of that rut. It cant have been easy. You are definitely on the right track. Just keep pushing yourself out of the comfort zone. Join the cycling club for sure. They are normally majority male but a good way to meet people. Aim for a sportive or something like that.

DavidRamsay99 · 15-04-2015 9:43am

Mister Vain wrote: »

Yep, smashing someones head into a wall is the answer to the op's problem.

The smashing of the head is incidental. A demonstration of masculinity is what I am talking about.

Mister Vain · 15-04-2015 7:07pm

DavidRamsay99 wrote: »

The smashing of the head is incidental. A demonstration of masculinity is what I am talking about.

You should have chosen a better video then.

Pawwed Rig · 15-04-2015 7:08pm

mod note - ok move on from the video

Seanachai · 16-04-2015 12:12pm

seraphimvc wrote: »

tinder. easy.

With Tinder do you have to like the person's profile and let them know that you are interested if you want to view their photos?. I'm a bit ignorant on this, I don't have a smartphone at the moment.

Jimmy Bottlehead · 16-04-2015 12:35pm

Dave Schultz also wanted a WOMAN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEIzkLr7JzQ

bb1234567 · 16-04-2015 7:54pm

Raging_Ninja wrote: »

Doesn't mean you can't get talking to them and get to know them.

Just don't hit on them at the yoga lesson and creep them out and you'll be doing just fine.

bb1234567 · 18-04-2015 12:20pm

No really don't. Women don't want to be hit on when they're getting a coffee or jogging. Just get to know them first.. really its the best way. Once you can spot any signs she might be interested in you then maybe hit on her, avoids the whole awkwardness of getting rejected and doesn't get you labelled as the creepy guy in yoga class.

Pawwed Rig · 18-04-2015 2:24pm

bb1234567 wrote: »

Women don't want to be hit on when they're getting a coffee or jogging.

Mod note - less of the generalisations please. You do not speak for all women

Non mod bit - coffee shops are an ideal spot for meeting people.

Mister Vain · 18-04-2015 5:07pm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Non mod bit - coffee shops are an ideal spot for meeting people.

Really? I mean they're an ideal place for going on a date, but actually approaching someone and striking up a conversation?

bb1234567 · 18-04-2015 5:15pm

Mister Vain wrote: »

Really? I mean they're an ideal place for going on a date, but actually approaching someone and striking up a conversation?

That's what I was thinking, Id find it very hard to try hit up a complete stranger in a cafe tbh

Pawwed Rig · 18-04-2015 5:28pm

Mister Vain wrote: »

Really? I mean they're an ideal place for going on a date, but actually approaching someone and striking up a conversation?

Relaxed atmosphere, nice ambience, not too noisy to be heard so can have a proper chat. Better than a pub if you ask me. By some of the posts here I would be afraid to talk to a girl anywhere.

Mister Vain · 18-04-2015 6:22pm

bb1234567 wrote: »

That's what I was thinking, Id find it very hard to try hit up a complete stranger in a cafe tbh

Yeah it wouldn't feel right. It would be a bit like approaching someone in a restaurant while they're eating a meal. You'd often see people reading or listening to their music in a cafe too.

Niall_daaS · 18-04-2015 8:18pm

I don't know what the OPs job is but it's also a possibility to find someone at work. It doesn't has to be necessarily a work mate but I always found it very simple to get in touch with someone you regularly meet at work. Like the girl that brings the mail each day or is a good customer or works in the other department or... I know it could bring a lot of trouble if things go down in a bad way and you still have to see the person on a regular base and can't avoid this. But in fact first it's an easy way to start a contact and develope it slowly. First maybe just a smile, next day a "Hi", then a little talk and you'll see where things are going. Plus if you see someone daily or at least often in a job context you see how this girl looks like on a good day and on a bad day while someone you meet from a website or from a bar could act during the short time of a date like someone she is not. And you share at least one thing: your work. Or hating this one work mate together. Or the boss. Or the food from the take away next door. And you don't have to change something because you'll go to work anyway.

ongarboy · 20-04-2015 10:16am

This is just my observation but I think the fear of rejection is one of the biggest obstacles many guys encounter on the dating scene. I think if those guys were able to remove the perceived stigma of a girl telling them that they are not interested as somehow being a personal insult, they would be far more relaxed and confident when approaching women and subsequently, more successful.

I see it with confident guys or so called ladies men. They won't get every girl but they are not overly bothered if some girls turn them down. They just move onto the next girl that catches their eye. They don't see it as a personal affront or slight. Ironically, this confidence and relaxed persona comes across in their personality and makes them a more attractive proposition to the girl in question which translates into better success.

seachto7 · 21-04-2015 12:49pm

I think I was one of Hitler's henchmen in a previous life. I'm in situations daily and weekly where there are lots of people, but hardly any women. Just my luck.

manjosh · 25-04-2015 12:55am

First of all it looks like you don't meet guys, not to now talk of meeting women.

I suggest you first start hanging out with guys, and from there you could start scanning for the "smooth guy", who is good with the ladies. Get close to him and talk to him about you problem.
When it come to "girl" problem, the smooth guys will gladly help, simple because the believe they are training they own personal minions.

Just my 2 pennies.
Cheers.

Sick of being single, i need a woman

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