Complicated or wasting time?

LegacyUser · 23-12-2014 12:51am #1

Basically... I'm 33

I spent 3 years having a casual but committed relationship with a guy (now 35) I adored but he just didn't want to make it serious and I probably was too easy going assuming it would eventually go somewhere and then when I realised it never would I walked away and didn't look back. It was super hard as I idolised this guy and was perfect in every other way.

I went on a few dates but just wasn't meeting anyone I clicked with as I had with him, first date sparks and all that.

So, I took a break from it all for around 6 months as I felt I wasn't ready to date yet.

Then, in Sept I met a guy who blew me away and wanted all the same things I did. He treated me 100% better than guy number 1 and I was having the time of my life for around a month. Until he realised he wasn't fully over his ex. He wanted to stay friends and I agreed, being polite I guess but we've been in touch almost every day, meeting up 2 or 3 times a week and we've never had sex but we talk about it (ad how we can't but we will when he's in a better place). He said originally he would love to give things a go when he's not feeling so weird about his ex and it felt like that would be sooner rather than later with his efforts to stay in touch.

Then I guess I had a meltdown where I said it all felt wrong to me and I felt like I was getting in to something that felt a little bit too familiar. He apologised and said he would like to see me with someone who treated me really well as that's what I deserve.

So, ego bruised I heard this loud and clear and assumed after that conversation we would drift apart. We didn't really communicate much for a week or so but then he came back full-on again. I don't want to keep saying I have a problem with the situation as I think it makes me look bad so I've just been going along with it. I'm so confused.

Also, right in the middle of this guy #1 came back and wanted to give things a proper go, I felt like I had moved on and couldn't feel the same way about him but I got upset by the situation and mentioned it to guy#2 who said "I hope I had no bearing on that"

Which to me implies he has no interest in anything with me at all.... and yet. We're meeting up tomorrow to exchange Christmas Presents and I know he'll be holding my hand and kissing me, telling me how much he fancies me etc.

Is it me? Am I supposed to be a bitch and tell these guys to go away? Is that how you get a commitment because I don't want to manipulate anyone.

With this new guy I want to respect that he's not in the right head-space and be grateful he's being honest with me.

I just don't meet guys I'm drawn to so often, I value it.

Thanks

professore · 23-12-2014 1:23am

As a guy, I think you should run a mile from both of them and find a guy you like with no baggage.

Tokyo · 23-12-2014 1:27am

Hi OP,

You're not supposed to be a bitch, but telling one or both of these guys that you aren't interested in pursuing things if you don't feel it's the right course of action isn't being a bitch - in fact it's quite the opposite.

Regarding the first guy - I think that the situation is pretty clear here for you - you hung in there for three years and he wasn't interested in committing to you, and when you got tired of waiting for him he had a change of heart. I can only go on what you have said here, but for all intents and purposes he sounds like the kind of guy who wants what he can't have, and right now the thing he doesn't have is you. But as you have said yourself, you have moved on and don't feel the same way about him anymore, so the obvious answer here is to tell him as such, and keep your distance.

At risk of pointing out the obvious, although the second guy might be driven by different motivation - not getting over his ex - in a lot of ways history seems to be repeating itself here. You're now seeing a guy who blows hot and cold, who can't commit to you because he's still hung up on his ex, but you're hanging in there nonetheless because you are drawn to him, and in the hope that he will wake up some morning and not be hung up on his ex anymore, and it doesn't work that way.

You can't live indefinitely in hope for future change. The situation is that right now he is unwilling or unable to commit to you, and is uninterested in fighting for you when you are drifting apart - instead he's churning out the age old lines of "I hope you find someone who deserves you". So it doesn't matter how interested you are in him, or how well you get along or how drawn you are to his personality - he can't give you what you want, and there's no guarantee that he ever will. So really you have two choices - you can move on, and find someone who does fulfil your needs, or you can hang in there only to possibly find out after another three years have passed, that you're right back where you started.

njs030 · 23-12-2014 12:09pm

Being brutually honest here guy 2 sounds like he wants some kind of friends with benefits relationship. All the talk of I want to have sex but we have to wait is rubbish. He wants to have the freedom to do what he likes while also having the nice girl and the fun.
I'm a big believer in that if someone wants you in their life they'll make damn sure it happens, stringing you along while allegedly getting over his ex is not ok! The other thing is, why do you want to be spending time with a man who has told you his mind is elsewhere? Surely you're worth more than passing the time to distract him
Have you thought about what will happen if he meets someone else while your hanging around waiting?
I would be more inclined to give the first one a chance, just dating, no sex and see what happens. Maybe when he realised you had enough it showed what you meant to him.

LegacyUser · 23-12-2014 12:25pm

Thanks all....

Well, with the first guy. He basically watched me fall apart for approx 6 months before i eventually left, waited around a year and then came back, possibly because my attention was on someone else. I feel too vulnerable to let him back in just as I've gotten over it. I do think from experience as soon as I'm back in his grasp he'll back off.

Maybe there's too much water under the bridge also.

With guy number 2 - what he doesn't want is friends with benefits. We've come very close to having sex and he has been the one to say "No, it's not right" However, maybe in his mind this makes him feel like less of an asshole for the rest of it.

To be honest, as much as I like him, it's all too familiar and I guess I am just weirded out by the amount of guys who will get to such a point and then say NO, I can't do a relationship or I just want something casual.

For me, I'm starting to think I obviously like it on some level, not consciously but perhaps the whole being at arms length has become familiar and comfortable.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'm going to keep dating other people and hope I meet another one I like as much to take my mind off him

daisybelle2008 · 23-12-2014 12:30pm

shouldicare wrote: »

Is it me? Am I supposed to be a bitch and tell these guys to go away? Is that how you get a commitment because I don't want to manipulate anyone.

Thanks

If being a bitch means knowing your own mind and not settling for less than you want....then yes you need to start being a 'bitch' and stop entertaining these flaky commitment-phobes. You are clearly wrecking your own head.

Tigger99 · 23-12-2014 12:42pm

I think you are giving both guys too much credit and not caring for your own feelings, your own self worth at all.

You are going to swop presents with a guy who by his own admission is still into his ex and who you are having some type of non sexual relationship with. He's not being honest by allowing this to continue, he's being cowardly. It's a form of torture for you. If he really cared for you, he'd break contact completely, allow you to move on with your life.

I agree that the first guy probably wants what he can't have. But even if he did have an ephiany and now he is madly in love, do you think to be with someone that had treated you so badly and things have only changed (who knows could be temporarily until he gets bored). And he wasn't perfect in every other way. If he was he would have appreciated all along how amazing you are and he didn't. That's a pretty big bloody flaw right there.

You mentioned that you took a 6 month break from dating before meeting guy number 2. But less than a month in he was telling you the world. That's very intense. We are all different, but I'd feel quite uneasy about that, like what's the rush. The rush is that he was rebounding.

You are not a bitch for now realising that you are worth more than the crumbs of emotion that are being given to you. That makes you strong and brave.

njs030 · 23-12-2014 1:01pm

shouldicare wrote: »

With guy number 2 - what he doesn't want is friends with benefits. We've come very close to having sex and he has been the one to say "No, it's not right" However, maybe in his mind this makes him feel like less of an asshole for the rest of it.

This stood out to me and says an awful lot about your frame of mind. Hes not an asshole, he doesn't feel like an asshole and is doing nothing to deserve being called that. Yes told you he's not interested in anything yet you're hanging around him wondering will he change his mind- that's your problem not his.

The bit about coming close to having sex and him stopping is quite sad, he doesnt want to be with you because your not the woman on his mind. It's not out of respect for you or wanting to wait- it's because he wants his ex.
I'm glad he doesn't want friends with benefits, however maybe you should walk away until his head is clear of other women? Let him grieve for his ex and not be a substitute perhaps.

kylith · 23-12-2014 1:12pm

Tell guy #1 that he missed his chance and to feck off for himself.

As for guy #2 - what a head wrecker. What you have there is a guy who isn't over his ex having a great ego boost for himself with you dying to sleep with him and him turning you down. He'll hold your hand and kiss you and tell you how much he likes you and how gorgeous you are, but he never does anything else because it's not what he wants, what he wants is you hanging around waiting for him to make him feel good about himself, so he can look at you and think 'I could have her if I wanted'. Tell him that you either want him to stop fcking you around and date you, or to stop calling you because I can honestly see this 'relationship' turning into exactly the same thing as you had with guy #1.

Because what you deserve is a man who will hold your hand and kiss you and tell you how much he likes you and how gorgeous you are and then take you out so he can show off his girlfriend to the world.

If you tell both of these guys to take a hike you are not being a bitch, you are looking out for your own wellbeing. As far as I can see they are both messers and you deserve way better than that.

ThatFatGal · 23-12-2014 1:13pm

If it's any worth, I think you shouldn't go out with either one of them.

I understand how things can develop from friends with benefit situation but I think the two situations equally sound unhealthy as the other one.

I hope you work on yourself and have some self respect - don't let anybody treat you with disrespect and deceit - if they do, just walk away- don't look back. You deserve soooooo much better than being played by these guys.

He's not over his ex but he's still seeing you? This is sooo wrong in my opinion. I'd be furious and leave him immediately if I were yo. You should be nothing but NO. 1!!!

The other guy never wanted anything with you and now he wants to have a go at a relationship with you? To be honest, this doesn't sound right - if he wanted to have a proper relationship with you and treat you like a girlfriend, he would've done that a looooong time ago. I have a suspicion he just wants that fling situation again.

Please don't let yourself fall into a situation where you are not No. 1.

Look after yourself and don't go for anyone but who will treat you like a queen. Cuz you deserve it.

LegacyUser · 23-12-2014 1:22pm

Thanks all.

Just to respond to "Notjustsweet"

I didn't say he was an asshole I said "So he doesn't feel like he's being one" It was something my friend said. He talks about how much he wants to sleep with me all the time. I've actually ended it twice because of my experiences with guy #1 but he has then casually suggested coffee as friends or called for a chat and I've thought "What harm?" Mostly because I just feel like a drama queen constantly saying "I can't do this" and I'm weak I guess.....ultimately - here I am.....again

Yep, I'll deal with all of this.

I guess after the 3 years with the first guy it's hard to believe anyone would want anything significant from me. Which I know is a self-esteem problem as I'm actually a pretty good person and I'm attractive, allegedly. I just hung around too long and heard enough reasons why I didn't deserve a r/ship to start believing them.

Totally aware of it though and it's a good time of year to start over.

Thanks so much for all the kind and helpful replies.

An Bhanríon · 23-12-2014 1:39pm

Am I right that you want a committed relationship? If so, neither of these guys are for you. Never mind that you are drawn to them. They cannot give you what you want.

Leave both of them in the past. Enjoy reliving the great memories of your time with them but remember neither of them was the person for you to be in a committed relationship with.

You will find somebody who you are drawn to and who also wants a committed relationship. Give it time. (I know you probably hate hearing 'Give it time'. However, read on.)

I have met many men over the years who I was mad about. They were amazing to be with, but they were not committed. When I finally realised what I wanted and acted on it (at around the same age as you!), I first had to go through dating guys who really did nothing for me ('committed but boring' types...). Then HE came along - a man who is both amazing and committed. He never fed me lines. He seldom told me I was beautiful. It took him two years to say he loved me. But I always knew where I stood with him. And I always knew he was crazy about me.

Take care of yourself and don't lose sight of what you want in life. And don't waste another minute with either of those guys!

LLMMML · 23-12-2014 3:16pm

You've got the right attitude about guy 1 and I think you'll do the right thing there.

Guy 2 is an asshole, no matter what anyone says. He knows you're into him and just when you're about to move on he keeps reeling you back in. Whether he's doing it on purpose or accidentally doesn't matter. Even if it's accidental it means he is not even thinking about how you feel. It just doesn't enter his head, or if it does it's dismissed pretty quickly. Although the fact that when you're together he says he wants to sleep with you but withholds suggests it's on purpose and he's an awful person.

You don't have to have a dramatic "we can't do this anymore" conversation. Tell him you won't be responding to any texts and then ignore whatever crap he sends to keep you invested (because he will try and keep you invested).

The main problem I get from your posts is that you feel the need to come out of this being viewed favourably by these guys. You will never be viewed favourably by them. You're either the girl they're not that interested in but keep around (if you stay around), or the psycho <swear word> who overreacted over nothing (if you cut them off).

kylith · 23-12-2014 3:47pm

shouldicare wrote: »

I've actually ended it twice because of my experiences with guy #1 but he has then casually suggested coffee as friends or called for a chat and I've thought "What harm?" Mostly because I just feel like a drama queen constantly saying "I can't do this" and I'm weak I guess.....ultimately - here I am.....again

This guy has now taken a nosedive in my already limited estimation of him. He knows full well what he's doing.

I recommend ending it then immediately delete his phone number, block him from calling you, and remove him from any social media. If you don't block him, though you should, stop meeting him! You know 'what harm', you getting messed around is the harm! You not being able to move on and find someone with whom you can have a relationship because you're hanging around waiting for him to deign to notice you is the harm!

If you want to give him a reason tell him 'I've better things to do with my life than hang around and wait for you'. Because you do have better things to do, so go do them.

nlk · 23-12-2014 5:37pm

OP the reason you find yourself in this familiar situation is not because you want to be kept at arms length but because you accept behaviour that leads to you being treated as a back up option.

You have identified that your self esteem is lower than perhaps it should be and this is the route of why you find yourself in these situations.

If someone who values them selves highly is told ' I like you enough to hang out, date but not enough to be with' (which is essentially what both guys have told you) they would respond by saying 'Thanks but no thanks, I'm going to keep myself free for someone who sees how amazing I am. It's what I deserve'

You aren't saying this and it's a green light for guys to treat you like a bit of a doormat, but because they have your consent to do so they feel they're not doing anything wrong.

Bottom line OP is you deserve a lot better but until you start believing that for yourself you will likely keep getting more of the same. You have to be willing to walk away from not good enough and never waste your time on someone who makes you wonder if they like you. If they like you, you will know.

You don't sound like you are entertaining guy number 1 so I'd leave that alone given you said you're already over him and I would tell guy number 2 that you don't want to hang out anymore and wish him well with getting over his ex.

Saralee4 · 23-12-2014 6:23pm

OP i understand that this is frustrating for you but you are allowing yourself to be messed around by these guys.

Guy #1 is gone. So I think you are ready to completely walk away from that probably because guy# 2 is there.

Guy #2 is being very manipulative too. I'm not sure what you would call your relationship.

1) how would you feel if his ex came back? Would it be appropriate for you too to still meet?

2) if he is so considerate and vulnerable right now but trying to do the right thing why is he taking advantage of your vulnerability by leading you on?

I know it's not as easy when you are in this situation and I have bought the samecrap from people before. I'm only inmy early 30s. I used to think that everyone had the best intintentions but as I get older you start to see that sometimes people are deceitful for their own benefit sometimes for crazy self centered reasons such as ego.

I'm not saying you need to be an ice queen but if something doesn't feel right and your the only one not getting your needs met then you have to protect yourself rather than worrying about this guy and his hurt over his ex. Like what even makes him think that's something you should care about.

Colser · 23-12-2014 10:59pm

shouldicare wrote: »

Thanks all....

Well, with the first guy. He basically watched me fall apart for approx 6 months before i eventually left,

I know exactly what this does to you OP and how long it takes to recover(not sure if we ever really do tbh)and for that reason alone I would recommend that you never go near guy 1 again..He will continue to wreck your head.
Guy 2 sounds like a head wreck also tbh...I wouldnt bother with him as he doesnt seem to know who or what he wants and will just lead you on in the mean time.You can do much better than either of them.:)

Littlekittylou · 24-12-2014 12:52pm

When a man wants to be with you he will.

You are allowing yourself to be treated terribly and you are trying to be the good person and put everyone else feeling above yours.

You know what you want. If a man wants the same you will be together. You deserve a man who is better to you.

Some people like to play with you they don't actually like you it's hurtful i know. When a guy likes you really likes you he wants you to feel in no doubt about that he wants you to feel secure and safe and you want that for him.

LegacyUser · 02-01-2015 12:16pm

Thanks for all the comments before Christmas.

So helpful...

There's been a few developments, I don't feel hugely positive or negative about where I'm at now but I think change was necessary and the benefits are just a little bit clouded by the void perhaps.

To follow on; Guy #2 and I exchanged Christmas presents - we didn't spend loads on each other but his gift was probably the most thoughtful and appropriate gift a guy has ever given me. We planned to meet for coffee the next day (Christmas Eve). I texted him that morning to confirm and he didn't reply to me until very late that night saying he "Just saw my message now - sorry I forgot"

He'd been on and off whatsapp all day - not something I usually check and the fact that I even felt the need too made the situation very apparent

Christmas Day - My sister and only sibling got engaged - this had some kind of weird impact on me where I realised how much I was kidding myself with all these faux-relationships.

I still had a small amount of belief in #2 but by Dec 29th he seemed to just be disregarding all forms of communication from me. I called him on it and he called me a "Needy platonic friend" Which was a bit mean. We were only platonic when I had questions about things. He was happy to kiss me and take me to dinner and mess around. Anyway, that upset me and I haven't talked to him since.

Guy #1 was on to me a bit over Xmas but I'm just not interested. I feel fairly confident that if I took him back and attempted a real relationship It would be no time before he starts to back off.

So, feeling fairly confident I've done the right thing, regardless of the outcomes. Thanks all

Complicated or wasting time?

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