Don't know what to do

Jenneke87 · 21-12-2014 9:40pm #1

Hi all,

I have a bit of a dilemma going on at the moment and could with some advice. There's a guy in work that I really like. Tuesday is my last day and I want to ask him out. Me and this guy get along good: we talk a lot, if we finish the same time we take the same bus and train and I can really laugh with him. There's just one thing that bothers me a bit; In all the time that I've known him(8 months), he has never once used my name to talk to me, he just starts talking out of nowhere, and it's always about him. He has never asked me any personal questions, but tells me plenty of things about himself though. It's not like he never had the oppertunity to ask me so I fear that should he take me up on my offer it will be a bit of an awkward night with a one sided conversation. But somehow this guy has really gotten under my skin and I would like to get to know him better.

I'm also not quite sure if he likes me the same way. I do catch him looking at me from time to time and vice versa. If I'm in the canteen and he comes in he will say hi or make a bit of small talk/talk about things he did or how he solved a problem with one of our customers. But nothing to indicate that he is interested. I don't want to make a fool of myself but I also don't want to regret not trying. What do you guys think? Thanks for reading

Oink · 21-12-2014 9:50pm

I would normally say that you might as well try. But how does he not use your name once in 8 months? That takes some kind of special effort in normal people. Also, i'm wary of people who only talk about themselves. For 8 months.

Proceed with caution I suppose.

Jenneke87 · 21-12-2014 9:56pm

He will just start talking out of nowhere, and he just won't say and/or use it. Which I always thought was a bit strange. On the other hand we're having a ball when we talk and it just has me a bit confused over the whole thing.

Tigger99 · 21-12-2014 10:37pm

Maybe he fancies you too and his odd behaviour is down to nervousness. I think you'd be mad not to ask him out. Go on a date and see what happens.

Stavro Mueller · 21-12-2014 10:46pm

Tigger99 wrote: »

Maybe he fancies you too and his odd behaviour is down to nervousness. I think you'd be mad not to ask him out. Go on a date and see what happens.

Exactly. It's only a date, not a marriage proposal. The only misgiving I'd have is that he works with you. Would working alongside him be uncomfortable if you went out with him for a while and it didn't work out?

Jenneke87 · 21-12-2014 11:51pm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Exactly. It's only a date, not a marriage proposal. The only misgiving I'd have is that he works with you. Would working alongside him be uncomfortable if you went out with him for a while and it didn't work out?

No, I'm leaving the company soon and he's staying there. He's the only thing I will miss about that place:D I just don't know what to make of his behaviour, not asking questions and such. I know he was married before so he must capable of communicating that way.....guess I have nothing to lose by asking, just worried I will look like an idiot in case I misread the whole situation.

Faith · 22-12-2014 1:11am

Regarding the name thing, my fiancé and I very rarely use each other's names in conversation. I get a bit of a jolt when he says my name now, because it sounds so unfamiliar! I don't know that evolved exactly, but it's normal for us now so I wouldn't read too much into it.

I'd ask him out. Sure, what have you got to lose?

Buona Fortuna · 22-12-2014 9:28am

Hi J,

I don't read anything into the name thing at all.

I always struggle with people's names (people I've known for years). So much so that most of my neighbours are "Howya doin" or "Great weather" or "Awful weather".

Given that you're leaving - what harm.

Nothing ventured ....

All the very best and I hope it works out for you;)

Edit: Just thought - something like this happened to me a good few years back. We had been colleagues for about 4 years. Nothing more than sharing a joke, work drinks, sharing office intrigue.

Anyway she said it to me at my leaving do. I was a little shocked, surprised, flattered - No where did I think "What an Idiot".

honey79 · 22-12-2014 11:16pm

I have noticed this is something I am doing a lot lately talking about myself I don't realise at the time I'm doing it only when I later think about it . Im not a self centred person so don't know why I do it cause I love learning new things about people I do it a lot around new people I think it's a nervous thing he could be the same

My advice would be go for it if your not going to see him again you have nothing to loose

Tramps Like Us · 23-12-2014 1:27am

OP I feel it may be likely that by telling you stuff about himself he is inviting you to reciprocate and tell him stuff about yourself (without being asked). He mightnt want to ask something because he doesnt want to be nozy or make things awkward if you dont wanna talk about it

Jenneke87 · 25-12-2014 12:40pm

Hey everyone,

thanks for your replies

Tuesday was my last day, he and I talked as usual and when I was finished he walked by and said: So you're all finished then?" I said " yeah it's all done and dusted." he said he wanted to see me outside so after I said my goodbyes to everyone I walked over to him and we chatted a bit when out of the blue he said he would add me on fb to give me his number so we could meet up again in the new year and gave me a big hug when we parted which was totally out of the blue and I have to say a very nice suprise. Haven't seen his friendship request so far(he's not on facebook using his own name so I can't add him unfortunately) so all I can do is wait now cuz I was too chicken to slip a note under his keyboard with my phonenumber. Part of me is worried he just won't do it....:( anyways....thx for the insight, I hope everything will work out okay

Jenneke87 · 14-04-2015 2:42pm

Gonna bump my own tread, I've been feeling very down about this for weeks now. I have very few people I can talk to in real life and even though this isn't a major issue, I need to vent a bit though.

So he and I went out a grand total of three times. I haven't heard from him since the last time I saw him in february, apart from the odd text. If I text him, he either doesn't reply or completely ignores the question and will talk about something else(I've asked him to go for another drink of come for dinner if he'd like to and dodged the question both times.

Every time we went out he got drunk. He admitted himself that once he starts he can't stop. When he's drunk he's actually quite affectionate, which doesn't mean much but still a shame he can't do it when he's sober. The thing is that I can't stop thinking about him, I like him even though he has made it very clear he doesn't want a relationship(but thinks very different about that after a few beers) he hates his life(his word verbatim) and is bitter about the things that happend to him in life, and he's just drinking it away. When we talk it's always about him; the things he did, seen, the trouble he got into, the"stupid"people he trolls on the internet. If I tell him something about me, he either stays silent or ignore what I said and continues his own story. I know this may make me sound like a horrible person for describing him this way but it's the most accurate version I can come up with.

I know it's never gonna happen between us, it's not even a clever idea to even entertain it. But I have this ridiculous idea that at some point he's gonna say the light and we'll all live happily ever after......I just want to forget about him but I think about him every single day. He's the first guy I felt attracted to after a long period of being and feeling completely asexual, which might have something to do with it. Lookswise he is exactly what I want and like, and it just feels like a bad joke: I finally meet a guy that(at first I thought) was interested in me too and turns out to have so many problems that it's a trainwreck waiting to happen, yet I obsess over this man like my life depends on it.

I know the usual advice would be to go with friends and indulge in a hobby, but I don't really have any friends, and am barely in touch with my family so don't really have anyone to talk to. If I meet new people with whom I click, then it usually fizzles out after a few months and the only hobby I have is a solo one and simply cannot afford much more than that so I have way too much time on my hands to analyze this to no end. Put some sense into me people.....:)

ManOfMystery · 14-04-2015 3:22pm

Jenneke87 wrote: »

But I have this ridiculous idea that at some point he's gonna say the light and we'll all live happily ever after......

You feel like this because you're an optimist. That's the sole reason.

The guy might physically float your boat, and you might enjoy conversation, but come on - take the goggles off. He's incredibly self-centred. Drinks too much. Seems to think he's above others so trolls them. Has no interest in anything you say. Isn't reliable enough to respond to your texts. And has a major chip on his shoulder because his life isn't working out the way he wants it to, even though he's the one steering the ship.

He sounds like a bag of fun, and a potentially incredible partner (can you detect the sarcasm?).

I'm not going to suggest you mix more with friends or develop hobbies. None of us can really force this guy out of your head - only you can do that. All I would say is that if you found yourself in situations with other guys - be it online dating, going out to bars/parties more and socialising with them, etc - you may find that you'll encounter some pretty nice guys, as you're statistically likely to do, and you might realise that that this guy's attributes don't stack up so well. Which might, in turn, make it a bit easier to remove him from your thoughts. You're focusing a lot of thoughts and energies on him when there's billions of other males on the planet who may make you a happier person.

LegacyUser · 14-04-2015 3:33pm

He's not on Facebook under his own name and he's in sporadic contact, during which he dodges questions. How sure are you that he's not in a relationship?

And even if he's not, I think the only reason you're giving the slightest attention to someone, who according to you sounds quite horrible, a bad drinker, self-centred and immature, is because you're lonely. I'm pretty sure you can see something as obvious as that for yourself. In fact, the only good thing you say about him is that he has a look you like and he can be affectionate when he's drunk. Personally, if that was the only good thing I had to say about someone I'd known for 8 months, I'd feel like I shouldn't waste another second of my time on them. I'd rather be on my own. That happy ending you're hoping for is as ridiculous an idea as you've already acknolwedged it to be, it won't happen and you should value yourself more than to wait for it.

I know you say you don't have much money for hobbies, but there's plenty to do that will fill your time without costing money and will bring you into contact with people who may become friends. I'd start looking around for those if I was you, before wasting another second on someone who isn't worth it.

Chucky the tree · 14-04-2015 3:47pm

You have few friends and a poor social life so once any guy comes along who shows you attention you're head over heels for them because it's something new and you've not experienced it in a while. You can either keep obsessing over a guy who's a complete asshole or you can invest your time in doing stuff that is more productive and fun.

LegacyUser · 14-04-2015 3:50pm

Hi Jenne,

I've been in this boat a few times, I'm sure a lot of people have been.

Is it usually you that initiates the texts since you've seen him? I'm just asking because if you completely stopped I wonder would you come into his head at all for him to contact you?

Where I've fallen down in the past is I've met these lads who aren't looking for a relationship and to their dues, they would say this in the beginning or at least drop enough hints. So for us to turn around and keep hoping that they will magically change their mind and we're the woman of their dreams is our fault and not theirs.. I appreciate their honestly and would rather that than be stringed along for months before finding out they haven't any intentions of being in a relationship with you.

He sounds more like he uses your company to sound off about himself, rather than ask about you and be interested. Which is such a turn off, regardless of how you feel about his looks..

It does get easier though OP. Just resist the urge to contact him, change his name on your phone to something like 'don't do it' or 'headwrecker' or whatever.

Some guy will come along that can't wait to hear all about you, and not leave you hanging on the phone and avoiding questions about meeting up.

It's his loss, not yours. Put him in the life experience pile

Stavro Mueller · 14-04-2015 3:50pm

My guess is you've turned him into something he isn't because you're lonely and there's nothing better on the horizon. It'd all be perfect if only.

There's a good reason why this funny attractive man hasn't been snapped up yet. I liken him to an egg that's 2 months out of date. It might look perfectly nice on the outside but crack it open and it's rancid.

Maybe a stranger telling you your words back might help?

1. He's ignoring your texts. In other words, when his phone beeps he thinks "Oh, it's that Jenneke one again", feels a bit annoyed that he now has a text to deal with and sticks the phone back in his pocket.
I have to confess that I'm very slow to respond to texts from people I don't really want to be dealing with.

2. He has a drink problem. That on its own is a deal-breaker. Having said that, he's a more pleasant person when he's sober. Which, if you think about it, isn't much of a compliment is it?

3. When he's not under the influence of drugs (alcohol) he's telling you things you should listen to but don't want to. Namely that he's not interested in a relationship. That's English for "I'm not interested in a relationship WITH YOU".

4. He's full of self-pity. He's not the only person whose life hasn't gone to plan. Most of us just get on with things as best we can. Someone who's wallowing in self-pity like his will suck the life out of anyone he comes near. Nobody likes a moaner.

5. He trolls on the internet. Now this is something I have a very low opinion of. People who troll on the internet are cowards. Maybe you should open up YouTube or an unmoderated message board and have a read of the vile comments that people post. Or read a news article such as the one about the vile online abuse that the producer of Top Gear got after the fracas with Jeremy Clarkson http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/03/25/oisin-tymon-fracas-jeremy-clarkson-sacked_n_6939644.html

6. Most of all, he isn't interested in you. You only existed so he could talk about his favourite topic. Him.

One of the ways to help yourself is to cut contact permanently with him. Maybe even the symbology of that will help cut the cord. If you've got a smartphone it's possible to block his number. Then delete it. If you're friends on Facebook, block him and unfriend him.

Even if you don't have much money you'd be better off trying to get out of the house and meeting people. I've never used it but posters here often recommend meetup.com. You've identified your biggest problem yourself- you've got way too much time on your hands. You need to fill it, preferably with other people of some sort.

Dolly Daydreams · 14-04-2015 4:04pm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Maybe a stranger telling you your words back might help?

Sorry hun, I don't think you're going to find any better advice than Stavros..

Delete his number, I don't mean screenshot it and keep it on your phone, or hidden in a drawer. Complete abandonment is needed. And also definitely defriend on Facebook. Once that's done it would be harder for you to add him back without looking like a mug, so pull the plaster

Chin up

Don't know what to do

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