Web cam ruining my life.

LegacyUser · 24-08-2014 11:03am #1

Hi guys,

This might be a bit of a strange one, but it's doing my head in with worry.

With my fella now for a few years. We live opposite sides of the country but had no issues with that at all, always travelled to each other many time a week.

Last Christmas I bought him an ipad and since then he just seems to have gone off sex and wanting to see me physically and just wants to cam. Now, I don't mind the odd cam session, but lately he just seems to be making all sorts of excuses not to see me but yet begging me to cam with him.

I'm totally thrown by this and feeling so rejected and basically just can't figure it out.
I'm thinking maybe he now has some cam addiction and regret ever getting him the damn ipad.

Is it possible he is camming with others and I'm just another number? Why dose he get off on seeing me on cam but not want to see me in real life? Is he maybe even having an affair?

I'm so worried that my relationship is falling down around me and there is nothing I can do to save it.

I've talked to him about it and he says everthing is fine, that he still loves me and is just busy with work and stuff, but to me that's total bullsh*t, he has plenty free time to cam.

I'm all over the place guys and just hope someone can give me some advice or has this happened to anyone else before and how did you deal with it? My heart is breaking right now as I feel if he doesn't quit this cam crap I'll have no choice but to walk away from a 4 year relationship. I'm a live in the real world kinda girl, cyber does nothing for me!

Thanks for reading

Penny Tration · 24-08-2014 12:24pm

Hhmm, that's very odd. Funnily enough, I dated someone similar, and ended up calling it off after a row because I wouldn't send him a video, when he'd made no effort to see me for a month.

'I'm busy' isn't an excuse. When he said that, did you say 'well, you have time to cam, so why don't you have time to see me in person?'

That he's avoiding sex screams volumes. You mentioned that you're worried he may be camming with other women and honestly, I can believe that.

Sounds like he has a problem with it, similar to men who refuse sex for porn.

It needs to be discussed, and you need to not just take 'I'm busy' as an excuse.

I'd feel horribly objectified if my boyfriend didn't want to see, touch, hold or sleep with me, but wanted me to satisfy his sexual urges on camera.

dellas1979 · 24-08-2014 1:56pm

I dont think the webcam (as per title of thread) is ruining your life.

Hows about the person holding it.

LegacyUser · 24-08-2014 2:44pm

dellas1979 wrote: »

I dont think the webcam (as per title of thread) is ruining your life.

Hows about the person holding it.

This was not an issue til the ipad arrived on the scene!

LegacyUser · 24-08-2014 2:48pm

Thanks Green Screen for your reply.

When I suggest we meet up and go out etc, he keeps saying "soon"... fobbing me off basically. I am getting well sick of it now. I will not live my life in cyber space.

I'm guessing he still fancies me going by the fact he is begging me to cam, so I doubt that is the problem.

I'm thinking he has got to have some form of an addiction. One that allows him drop the most intimate part of his relationship with me.

My mind just boggles! Maybe this is quite common, I don't know!

Faith · 24-08-2014 4:31pm

It sounds to me like he could be in another relationship locally. How long it's been going on, I couldn't say, but would it be possible that you're the other woman? Or have you been to his town in the last few months? A cam addiction sounds unlikely to me. It seems more plausible that he doesn't need sex with you because he's getting it elsewhere, and that's why he's putting off seeing you (doesn't want to get caught with you). It's a lot easier to hide internet activity than physical activity.

Buona Fortuna · 24-08-2014 4:56pm

Hi Layla, I'm not sure what's going on here either.

You said in the OP that you're both at opposite ends of the country.

Just rule out a couple of things. I assume we are talking Ireland or UK and not say the US? Is the cost of that travel an issue? Do you both drive?

Is it possible that his job is not going as well as he'd like, or even as he has told you, and the cost of meeting up is too much?

LegacyUser · 24-08-2014 5:32pm

@ Faith - I am in his town more often than not, as it is my hometown too, so I think I would have heard were he seeing someone locally. I'm back almost every weekend and all my family and friends live there.
If he were seeing someone I would suspect it is out of town.

Also, why does he want me on cam if he is physically seeing someone else? Surely that's the last thing he'd want.
It's like he's crazy about me - just only on cam!

@Buona Fortuna - Yes, we are both in Ireland. It's a West to East cross country and the drive is just over two hours, we both drive. It doesn't seem to be a distance thing at all. It just seems to be him not wanting to physically sleep with me but quite happily see me on cam.

Buona Fortuna · 24-08-2014 5:55pm

Layla thanks for getting back.

So its not the distance.

How often would you be chatting/texting throughout the day evening?

If that is most of the time, how many times or periods are ruled out for various reasons e.g. "Don't ring me Wednesdays for football training."?

Also is one of you "at home" or are you both in new areas?

Sorry a load of questions. I hope it doesn't come across as just being nosey. What I'm getting at does he have the opportunity for an affair with someone else if he wanted to?

Merkin · 24-08-2014 7:28pm

I think the whole webcam thing is incidental although I can see how you would see it as the reason behind the current status quo. If he wanted to spend time with you he would be doing so and he is not unfortunately.

Fundamentally though the fact of the matter is that he doesn't want to see you. I'd have it out face to face as a matter of priority and ask him straight out if he wants to be with you. It doesn't bode well unfortunately.

LegacyUser · 24-08-2014 8:31pm

@ Merkin - I have asked him as clearly as possible if he wants out and he has said no way, that it is me and only me. There is no one else and he doesn't want out of the relationship.
That is what is confusing me so much. He seems crazy about me, just doesn't wanna get physical with me.
I am almost thinking that he may have had a one night stand and caught something and doesn't wanna sleep with me til he's clear! Dramatic, I know, but it is a real weird situation.

@ Buona Fortuna - We are texting/calling as much as ever, he seems perfectly normal in every other way!
I live in another city for work, but get home almost every weekend. I missed out the last two due to a hectic work schedual. I'm also maybe wondering if he's just not wanting to see me as punishment for me not getting home, he was really disappointed that I didn't make the last two weekends when I had told him I probably would. He can be childish and petty when it comes to me working weekends.

I don't know, it's just very odd. Like I said we could hang out today and he just wanted me on cam in the morning, instead of him coming round or me going to him. Yet he could text me all day. *confused!

Buona Fortuna · 24-08-2014 9:30pm

For a minute there I thought Merkin had it, but I think you have discounted that?

I think you guys need a serious chat. Let him know what your concerns are and how it makes you feel.

That's all I got, I'm afraid. I hope you guys sort it out OP, and I wish you all the best.

strandroad · 24-08-2014 9:39pm

Could it be that he is a bit immature and a "virtual girlfriend" is a better option for him? Technically he has a girlfriend, he gets cam time and attention, but he doesn't need to handle any actual woman? Lazy lad's relationship?
What happens if you refuse a camera meetup and just want to talk? Does he get annoyed?

JillyQ · 24-08-2014 10:19pm

Op I could have written your post myself it was the exact same west coast to the east as well. It came to ahead with us when my laptop broke & I was without one for a while. Get it sorted face to face if you can. If he is not prepared to talk face to face you may have to walk away from him.

MagicMarker · 24-08-2014 10:51pm

The solution is simple, stop doing cam2cam.

CaraMay · 25-08-2014 8:13am

Op I know this night seem far fetched but he is hardly uploading them online?

Next time you see him and his iPad I would make a point of deleting them and not doing anymore, his behaviour is weird

Tasden · 25-08-2014 9:21am

Any chance its just laziness? Hes not really in the mood to get up and travel to you and he'd rather not have to entertain you at his so the easier thing is cam for a few mins and then get back to being lazy while technically doing his duty by talking to you on cam. And if he is saying hes busy with work then it makes sense for him to be tired and therefore lazy.

Call me Al · 25-08-2014 9:36am

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I know this night seem far fetched but he is hardly uploading them online?

Next time you see him and his iPad I would make a point of deleting them and not doing anymore, his behaviour is weird

This is what I'm thinking.
There is more going on and the cynic in me thinks he's hiding something, be it an STD or that he's uploading your screen time and sharing it with others.

It's not normal behaviour and i would be very careful if I were you.

Bandara · 25-08-2014 11:20am

Id agree with the others. He could easily be recording them and uploading

Or he could be streaming them live and earning money from viewers for them

RoscommonTom · 25-08-2014 9:35pm

Very strange behavoiur from him, what sort of stuff do you being doing on the webcam for him?

LegacyUser · 25-08-2014 10:31pm

Thank you all for the replies.

I very much doubt it has anything to do with uploading videos. We have exchanged pics and videos over the four years and I have never had any doubts he's been sharing them online or showing them around. We both agreed very early in the relationship as to the ground rules in regard to this. So, I am very confident it has nothing to do with that.

The more I think about it I am guessing he must be seeing someone else and wants to make it look to me that he is still interested by asking me to do skype, so I think he still fancies me. How he can lie through his teeth and tell me there is no one else is just sickening me.

So, now I guess I just have to find the proof he is screwing around, be it physically or in the cyber world and chuck him for good.

So upset over this whole thing. Don't know what to do or where to go from here. He disgusts me right now

Buona Fortuna · 25-08-2014 11:23pm

Layla just wanted to wish you all the best.

I think you're probably right. I didn't buy into the whole uploading thing.

He's probably concealing an affair or an STI.

Good Luck

mr_edge_to_you · 26-08-2014 7:00am

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

He's probably concealing an affair or an STI.

Jumping the gun a bit there?

Buona Fortuna · 26-08-2014 7:48am

mr_edge_to_you wrote: »

Jumping the gun a bit there?

Why not address the OP, and give her the benefit of your opinion.

kylith · 26-08-2014 8:23am

It may be that he has gone off you for whatever reason, but doesn't mind using you for some titillation on the webcam. If I were you my webcam would mysteriously 'break' and I wouldn't be able to afford to have it fixed, so his hand is forced: either he fesses up to not being interested any longer or he makes the effort to see you in person.

Penny Tration · 26-08-2014 8:59am

I would think that after 4 years, if you think he might be cheating, and feel that you have to lie about your camera, it's as good as over.

I wouldn't lie. I'd be straight about it - 'I don't want to.'

See how long he stays chatting to you on cam after that.

Dark Phoenix · 26-08-2014 2:19pm

OP if you are in his home town a good bit then why not just go over to him the next time, (unannounced if you suspect he will make an excuse) and then sit down face to face and ask him what the hell is going on. It makes no sense at all that he is avoiding you constantly.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2014 11:32pm

Thanks guys for all your input.

We have been texting and chatting a lot today and things came to a head when he accused me of being difficult and flying of the handle over nothing. He has basically said I am creating problems where there are none and I am so annoying of late.

Well, that was it, I told him we are over. I will not be talked to in such a disgusting way.

Since then he has been leaving messages non stop begging me not to end the relationship, that we can work it out.

Does this guy have a clue what he wants???

I'm heartbroken aswell as so angry

Eeden · 27-08-2014 12:11am

He has not been making time to see you. Then he accuses you of creating problems and being annoying. Then he thinks you will just change your mind and take him back? After calling you annoying?

Stay strong. He doesn't sound like such a great guy.

But I'm sorry you are going through this. Of course it's upsetting, there's no getting away from that. Try to be good to yourself.

MagicMarker · 27-08-2014 12:17am

Tbh, you sound like a bit of a drama queen. On the one hand you complain about the cam stuff but you still go along with it.

I see no real reason here to think the guy is cheating yet you've jumped to that conclusion. And now you've dumped him because of his "disgusting" comments in what sounds like a fairly tame argument.

You should have just stopped the cam stuff completely and waited a few weeks to see how things pan out IMO.

CaraMay · 27-08-2014 10:19am

Layla222 wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your input.

We have been texting and chatting a lot today and things came to a head when he accused me of being difficult and flying of the handle over nothing. He has basically said I am creating problems where there are none and I am so annoying of late.

Well, that was it, I told him we are over. I will not be talked to in such a disgusting way.

Since then he has been leaving messages non stop begging me not to end the relationship, that we can work it out.

Does this guy have a clue what he wants???

I'm heartbroken aswell as so angry

He is being a muppet. Lets see if he comes to see you now.

Penny Tration · 27-08-2014 10:21am

Layla222 wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your input.

We have been texting and chatting a lot today and things came to a head when he accused me of being difficult and flying of the handle over nothing. He has basically said I am creating problems where there are none and I am so annoying of late.

Well, that was it, I told him we are over. I will not be talked to in such a disgusting way.

Since then he has been leaving messages non stop begging me not to end the relationship, that we can work it out.

Does this guy have a clue what he wants???

I'm heartbroken aswell as so angry

I don't think what he said to you was 'disgusting.'

But, i think maybe this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

It sounds as though you had a lot of pent up hurt and frustration that you needed to let out and rather than talk it through with you, he implied that it was your fault.

If you want to give him another chance, that's your call. Personally, I think you're well rid.

Neyite · 27-08-2014 12:03pm

Layla222 wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your input.

We have been texting and chatting a lot today and things came to a head when he accused me of being difficult and flying of the handle over nothing. He has basically said I am creating problems where there are none and I am so annoying of late.

Well, that was it, I told him we are over. I will not be talked to in such a disgusting way.

Since then he has been leaving messages non stop begging me not to end the relationship, that we can work it out.

Does this guy have a clue what he wants???

I'm heartbroken aswell as so angry

Likewise, I dont think what he said is disgusting, but I do wonder if it was deflecting and deliberatelysaid so that you'd back down from your questions. And it backfired because you dumped him instead.

I'd be inclined to think it was STI treatment he is hiding. Or avoiding sex due to difficulties performing? I dunno, its a puzzler!

FurBabyMomma · 31-08-2014 10:20am

Just because you were with him for 4 years doesn't mean he won't/hasn't been uploading your camera antics. Can you be so sure now things have gone sour? Ask any girl who has been a victim of revenge porn if they thought it would happen to them.

This guy sounds like he had an easy time of it, getting to enjoy the sexual kicks without having to deal with the realities of a human relationship. If it was me no matter whether I decided to stay or go I'd get my hands on that iPad and delete, delete, delete!

Web cam ruining my life.

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