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Chatting to women

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  • 24-08-2014 2:27am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    How do you chat to women on a night out? Seriously. I haven't got a clue. I have read many articles online giving tips and even some threads on here. To me they always seem to describe this ideal scenario which almost makes it easy to do. They seem to create this scenario which makes it seem so straight forward and obvious that I wouldn't need to search for tips online in the first place if it was anything like I see in reality. In reality, women to me just seem so unapproachable. If I enter a club or bar I just see everyone in groups. Groups of girls or groups of girls and guys. In both these groups they always look like they are already having a great time and enjoying themselves and the company of their friends. Why would they want to converse with some ugly shmuck they don't know? The situation seems even more difficult when you factor in the painfully loud crap music that is more than likely being played which really inhibits one's ability to have a somewhat interesting conversation with someone. Furthermore, I find that girls in late bars/clubs just seem to be quite annoying and loud when drinking/drunk which isn't really attractive. I am almost finished college and this has been my experience of going out with my piers. Loud, sweaty nightclubs where everyone's goal is to just write themselves off with drink. It is quite depressing. I prefer to go to quieter bars with my friends where you can comfortably hear other people, however these places seem to be filled with people outside of my age bracket (18 - 25). Nevertheless I notice the same problem - everyone already has someone to talk to and entertain them. I almost feel that if I did start talking to some girl on her own, she'd probably think I'm some predator trying to chat her up once I finally see her away from her friends. This isn't the case, I just like to meet new people and I have a severe shortage of female friends, none to be exact. Plus there is always the possibility that they have boyfriends or have just no interest in talking to me - which is always on my mind.

    I am obviously not helped by looking hideously unattractive but surely there must be girls out there like me who are not really into clubbing and just want to meet new people and have a friendly chat? I am actually very friendly, fairly interesting and quite funny. From a ladies point of view, what are your thoughts? Do you like being approached in bars and clubs? How important is looks to you in these places? What kind of guys would you like to approach you and do you always welcome this or are there times when it is just creepy and annoying?
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    #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    lonelyguest wrote: »
    How do you chat to women on a night out? Seriously. I haven't got a clue. I have read many articles online giving tips and even some threads on here. To me they always seem to describe this ideal scenario which almost makes it easy to do. They seem to create this scenario which makes it seem so straight forward and obvious that I wouldn't need to search for tips online in the first place if it was anything like I see in reality. In reality, women to me just seem so unapproachable. If I enter a club or bar I just see everyone in groups. Groups of girls or groups of girls and guys. In both these groups they always look like they are already having a great time and enjoying themselves and the company of their friends. Why would they want to converse with some ugly shmuck they don't know? The situation seems even more difficult when you factor in the painfully loud crap music that is more than likely being played which really inhibits one's ability to have a somewhat interesting conversation with someone. Furthermore, I find that girls in late bars/clubs just seem to be quite annoying and loud when drinking/drunk which isn't really attractive. I am almost finished college and this has been my experience of going out with my piers. Loud, sweaty nightclubs where everyone's goal is to just write themselves off with drink. It is quite depressing. I prefer to go to quieter bars with my friends where you can comfortably hear other people, however these places seem to be filled with people outside of my age bracket (18 - 25). Nevertheless I notice the same problem - everyone already has someone to talk to and entertain them. I almost feel that if I did start talking to some girl on her own, she'd probably think I'm some predator trying to chat her up once I finally see her away from her friends. This isn't the case, I just like to meet new people and I have a severe shortage of female friends, none to be exact. Plus there is always the possibility that they have boyfriends or have just no interest in talking to me - which is always on my mind.

    I am obviously not helped by looking hideously unattractive but surely there must be girls out there like me who are not really into clubbing and just want to meet new people and have a friendly chat? I am actually very friendly, fairly interesting and quite funny. From a ladies point of view, what are your thoughts? Do you like being approached in bars and clubs? How important is looks to you in these places? What kind of guys would you like to approach you and do you always welcome this or are there times when it is just creepy and annoying?

    You've probably described the probs that 70% of blokes have. Sounds like you'll probably come into yourself late 20's like alot of us, me included. I was painfully shy when younger.

    In the short time. You need to go out with different people. Find a group with access to a mixed group. Friends with girlfriends with friends, friends with similar age sisters with friends etc. Lots of people prefer quiter bars at under 25. You need to move around till you find the right place.


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    #3
    Manco
    Closed Accounts Posts: 178 ✭✭Manco


    Maybe work on your self-esteem first? If you regard yourself as 'hideously unattractive' you've written yourself off before you begin. Why not avoid the club scene altogether if you're not comfortable there and get involved in other activities that interest you where you can meet women that don't involve drink, like sports, etc.


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    #4
    Roastlamb
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 29 ✭Roastlamb


    lonelyguest wrote: »
    How do you chat to women on a night out? Seriously. I haven't got a clue. I have read many articles online giving tips and even some threads on here. To me they always seem to describe this ideal scenario which almost makes it easy to do. They seem to create this scenario which makes it seem so straight forward and obvious that I wouldn't need to search for tips online in the first place if it was anything like I see in reality. In reality, women to me just seem so unapproachable. If I enter a club or bar I just see everyone in groups. Groups of girls or groups of girls and guys. In both these groups they always look like they are already having a great time and enjoying themselves and the company of their friends. Why would they want to converse with some ugly shmuck they don't know? The situation seems even more difficult when you factor in the painfully loud crap music that is more than likely being played which really inhibits one's ability to have a somewhat interesting conversation with someone. Furthermore, I find that girls in late bars/clubs just seem to be quite annoying and loud when drinking/drunk which isn't really attractive. I am almost finished college and this has been my experience of going out with my piers. Loud, sweaty nightclubs where everyone's goal is to just write themselves off with drink. It is quite depressing. I prefer to go to quieter bars with my friends where you can comfortably hear other people, however these places seem to be filled with people outside of my age bracket (18 - 25). Nevertheless I notice the same problem - everyone already has someone to talk to and entertain them. I almost feel that if I did start talking to some girl on her own, she'd probably think I'm some predator trying to chat her up once I finally see her away from her friends. This isn't the case, I just like to meet new people and I have a severe shortage of female friends, none to be exact. Plus there is always the possibility that they have boyfriends or have just no interest in talking to me - which is always on my mind.

    I am obviously not helped by looking hideously unattractive but surely there must be girls out there like me who are not really into clubbing and just want to meet new people and have a friendly chat? I am actually very friendly, fairly interesting and quite funny. From a ladies point of view, what are your thoughts? Do you like being approached in bars and clubs? How important is looks to you in these places? What kind of guys would you like to approach you and do you always welcome this or are there times when it is just creepy and annoying?

    <snip> can help you.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Manco wrote: »
    Maybe work on your self-esteem first? If you regard yourself as 'hideously unattractive' you've written yourself off before you begin. Why not avoid the club scene altogether if you're not comfortable there and get involved in other activities that interest you where you can meet women that don't involve drink, like sports, etc.

    Not many women playing junior b hurling unfortunately. I am not so much asking how to meet new women, even though I am interested in doing just that. I am just asking strictly about chatting to women in bars, how is it done?? Also, whilst my self esteem is certainly not sky high, I may be simply telling the truth regarding my appearance. Some people are attractive, some people aren't, some people are quite unattractive.


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    #6
    Manco
    Closed Accounts Posts: 178 ✭✭Manco


    lonelyguest wrote: »
    Not many women playing junior b hurling unfortunately. I am not so much asking how to meet new women, even though I am interested in doing just that. I am just asking strictly about chatting to women in bars, how is it done?? Also, whilst my self esteem is certainly not sky high, I may be simply telling the truth regarding my appearance. Some people are attractive, some people aren't, some people are quite unattractive.
    Don't overthink it. Just relax and talk to them like you would any other person, if you put too much pressure on yourself your conversations will come across as weird and forced. There's no magic formula unfortunately.


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    #7
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Roastlamb - seeing as you are a recently registered member here, I'd like to direct you to the forum charter before posting again. Discussion or recommendation of Pick-Up-Artists (PUA) methods and techniques such as the one that you linked are not allowed on this forum.

    Regards,
    Mike


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    #8
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    Most girls can spot PUAs and their techniques and will run a mile.

    OP the best thing to do is to just talk to them like they're people (because we are :D). Just chat normally: "Hello, my name is X. Isn't the music loud here/You look very nice/Do you like this band", it'll get you much further than trying to use lines. Be open and friendly, smile, look at her face rather than her cleavage. If she's not interested don't take it personally; she may have a boyfriend, she may not be looking to meet someone, or she just mightn't think you're her type. I know it's hard to do, but the more you do it the easier it will get.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    kylith wrote: »
    Most girls can spot PUAs and their techniques and will run a mile.

    OP the best thing to do is to just talk to them like they're people (because we are :D). Just chat normally: "Hello, my name is X. Isn't the music loud here/You look very nice/Do you like this band", it'll get you much further than trying to use lines. Be open and friendly, smile, look at her face rather than her cleavage. If she's not interested don't take it personally; she may have a boyfriend, she may not be looking to meet someone, or she just mightn't think you're her type. I know it's hard to do, but the more you do it the easier it will get.

    I briefly looked into the PUA that was suggested and it genuinely seemed like the lamest thing I have ever come across in my life. Out of curiosity, why is the posting of PUA's prohibited here?

    My issue here is not so much talking to them, it's more how do you even initiate a conversation. From my original post, women on a night out to me always seem to already have company and be having a good time. I can't see how me randomly going up to a girl who is already in company and asking them what they think of the music volume or if a certain band is their favourite would do me any good. Seems like I'd just be some stranger, interrupting their night with some small talk questions. Or maybe that's actually how it's done?


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    #10
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    lonelyguest wrote: »
    I briefly looked into the PUA that was suggested and it genuinely seemed like the lamest thing I have ever come across in my life. Out of curiosity, why is the posting of PUA's prohibited here?

    My issue here is not so much talking to them, it's more how do you even initiate a conversation. From my original post, women on a night out to me always seem to already have company and be having a good time. I can't see how me randomly going up to a girl who is already in company and asking them what they think of the music volume or if a certain band is their favourite would do me any good. Seems like I'd just be some stranger, interrupting their night with some small talk questions. Or maybe that's actually how it's done?

    Maybe just sit down beside them with your group of friends and gradually try and integrate yourself into their group. Usually in bars and clubs the tables can be quote close together so you could just make small talk or notice something funny and make a joke and go from there.


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    #11
    Amara22
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭Amara22


    lonelyguest wrote: »
    How do you chat to women on a night out? Seriously. I haven't got a clue. I have read many articles online giving tips and even some threads on here. To me they always seem to describe this ideal scenario which almost makes it easy to do. They seem to create this scenario which makes it seem so straight forward and obvious that I wouldn't need to search for tips online in the first place if it was anything like I see in reality. In reality, women to me just seem so unapproachable. If I enter a club or bar I just see everyone in groups. Groups of girls or groups of girls and guys. In both these groups they always look like they are already having a great time and enjoying themselves and the company of their friends. Why would they want to converse with some ugly shmuck they don't know? The situation seems even more difficult when you factor in the painfully loud crap music that is more than likely being played which really inhibits one's ability to have a somewhat interesting conversation with someone. Furthermore, I find that girls in late bars/clubs just seem to be quite annoying and loud when drinking/drunk which isn't really attractive. I am almost finished college and this has been my experience of going out with my piers. Loud, sweaty nightclubs where everyone's goal is to just write themselves off with drink. It is quite depressing. I prefer to go to quieter bars with my friends where you can comfortably hear other people, however these places seem to be filled with people outside of my age bracket (18 - 25). Nevertheless I notice the same problem - everyone already has someone to talk to and entertain them. I almost feel that if I did start talking to some girl on her own, she'd probably think I'm some predator trying to chat her up once I finally see her away from her friends. This isn't the case, I just like to meet new people and I have a severe shortage of female friends, none to be exact. Plus there is always the possibility that they have boyfriends or have just no interest in talking to me - which is always on my mind.

    I am obviously not helped by looking hideously unattractive but surely there must be girls out there like me who are not really into clubbing and just want to meet new people and have a friendly chat? I am actually very friendly, fairly interesting and quite funny. From a ladies point of view, what are your thoughts? Do you like being approached in bars and clubs? How important is looks to you in these places? What kind of guys would you like to approach you and do you always welcome this or are there times when it is just creepy and annoying?

    Hi there, female aged 18-25 here and while I can't speak for all women this is what I know. When us girls go out, we do have our guard up as unfortunately our experience of most men in the night club are not overly positive. However, we do of course love to chat to people and have a bit of banter with someone as soon as it's clear theyre not after one thing. If we didn't want to chat to other people we would just stay home and drink together!

    Looks don't matter if someone is a bit of crack and they're not giving you signals that they're talking to you as a means to try to get you to go home with them.

    I can see it would be very daunting to approach a group of girls on your own, do you go out with friends? Might be easiest to approach a group of girls in the smoking area where it's quieter and with a friend. I see some of my male friends get knocked back rudely and ask them does it bother them. My friend told me it's a numbers game and eventually someone will have the crack and a chat with you. He said it used to sting but he's just grown a thicker skin.

    Again, I can't speak for all women but I can tell you what me and my friends like and dislike when approached. Dislikes: obviously any inappropriate touching and I know this probably goes against normal advice but I hate being asked the same typical questions that I've already answered a few times that night straight off the bat. These are: what's your name? Where you from? What are you doing here/what do you do? I'll of course be polite and converse but it just doesn't hook me or my friends. Of course you should ask these questions in a little while to keep conversation going but often a good conversation starts with a clever or funny comment and it goes from there.

    Likes: as above, for example I've had great crack with lads who I happen to hear quoting a favourite film or comedian of mine and then we carry on quoting and laughing and conversation started. Other likes are to offer to buy a girl a drink-not for free drink despite what some men may think. This shows to us that they are not going over to every single girl in there with the same line as if he did, he would be broke! So if you do get a convo going and you like them, this will show it.

    Hope I helped, that's my experience :)


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    #12
    Fluffyrice
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1 ✭Fluffyrice


    <PUA spiel snipped>


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    #13
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Fluffyrice - thre has already been one warning in-thread on this so far, but seeing as this is your first post on the forums, I'm going to ask you to take the time to read the forum charter before posting here again. In particular, "Discussion of Pick-Up-Artists (PUA) methods and techniques are not allowed on this forum." and as such, I have snipped your post. Please abide by the charter in future, as further breaches will result in infractions and/or a ban.

    Regards,
    Mike


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    #14
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users Posts: 4,240 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    The smoking area is a good place to meet and chat to people. People leave their friends to go here and are more open to chatting.
    If you are approaching women in bars you need thick skin. If you cant handle rejection your confidence may get worse.


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    #15
    Sh1tbag OToole
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,973 ✭✭✭Sh1tbag OToole


    This PUA thing is a load of bollix. Ask out a random girl behind the counter in a shop you don't usually go to, you'd be surprised the world won't just cave in on top of you :)


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    #16
    kjl
    Registered Users Posts: 3,127 ✭✭✭kjl


    I think PUA gets a bad rap, nobody who reads those books become this master of seduction who suddenly sleeps with 100 glamour models a year. They do give guy a little courage to walk up to a girl and say hi, which in the end of the day is all that you need to do.

    Guys tend to get a little bit nervous when they are talking to girls and too often have I seen situations where a guy will just nod and agree with everything a girl says. "Oh, wow, that's so interesting bla bla bla". Most girls find that boring and as such you probably won't get very far.

    You need to stop worrying about the outcome, when you talk to your mates, you don't care about the outcome do you? It should be the same with girls.

    Be yourself, after an initial icebreaker, try telling them about yourselfs. Pick a funny story of something slightly embarrassing that happened you and act out all the scenes, if you have chemistry with someone ask them for a phone number. It's as simple as that.

    If you don't want to chat to people when they are drunk, try doing it earlier in the night when people are sober.

    GL with your quest.


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    kjl wrote: »
    I think PUA gets a bad rap, nobody who reads those books become this master of seduction who suddenly sleeps with 100 glamour models a year. They do give guy a little courage to walk up to a girl and say hi, which in the end of the day is all that you need to do.

    Guys tend to get a little bit nervous when they are talking to girls and too often have I seen situations where a guy will just nod and agree with everything a girl says. "Oh, wow, that's so interesting bla bla bla". Most girls find that boring and as such you probably won't get very far.

    You need to stop worrying about the outcome, when you talk to your mates, you don't care about the outcome do you? It should be the same with girls.

    Be yourself, after an initial icebreaker, try telling them about yourselfs. Pick a funny story of something slightly embarrassing that happened you and act out all the scenes, if you have chemistry with someone ask them for a phone number. It's as simple as that.

    If you don't want to chat to people when they are drunk, try doing it earlier in the night when people are sober.

    GL with your quest.

    It's not talking to women that is my problem really. It's just when I enter a club or bar, how do I identify who wants to be talked to whenever is already appearing to be having a good time? How do I get chatting to a nice girl who will inevitably have at least one person around her that she's already with. Do girls always like to be chatted to by random guys on nights out?


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    #18
    Paperduel
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 13 ✭Paperduel


    lonelyguest wrote: »
    It's not talking to women that is my problem really. It's just when I enter a club or bar, how do I identify who wants to be talked to whenever is already appearing to be having a good time? How do I get chatting to a nice girl who will inevitably have at least one person around her that she's already with. Do girls always like to be chatted to by random guys on nights out?

    The answer to that question won't solve your problem. Your problem is your attitude, women like men with balls. Stop worrying about what women might want to do or might like, you will never know for sure until you actually talk to them. It's actually easier to chat up women in groups, you can spread your attention amongst the group, they feel less defensive and are more likely to be friendly and talkative.


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    #19
    banquo
    Registered Users Posts: 9,487 ✭✭✭banquo


    I used to be incredibly shy until I got to college and make a decision not to be any more.

    Regarding women: without being patronising, as this may sound, but talking to them like they're people and not women usually goes well. Also, that way you'll get the real measure of the person you're talking to.


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    #20
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    lonelyguest wrote: »
    It's not talking to women that is my problem really. It's just when I enter a club or bar, how do I identify who wants to be talked to whenever is already appearing to be having a good time? How do I get chatting to a nice girl who will inevitably have at least one person around her that she's already with. Do girls always like to be chatted to by random guys on nights out?

    For that all I can say is to watch out for women looking at you, smiling, and looking away. Smoking areas are good places because they tend to have a more convivial atmosphere and, if you smoke, asking for a light is a good ice breaker. You could also try talking to a woman while ye both wait to be served at the bar, or ask for the time. With some experience you'll be able to spot the signs that show interest. And no, we don't always like to be chatted up, often because we have heard the same line 20 times already that night.

    Also be aware of the signs that show she's not interested such as body turned away and monosyllabic answers. A man who can't take the hint can, after a few drinks, be so persistent as to be threatening.


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    #21
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    lonelyguest wrote: »
    How do you chat to women on a night out? Seriously. I haven't got a clue. I have read many articles online giving tips and even some threads on here.

    Have you considered not reading articles at all and just realising that the opposite sex is not different at all and you can talk to them just like you would talk to anyone else in your life?

    "Women" are not some device off an assembly line that you need an instruction manual for.

    Learn how to speak to PEOPLE. Job done.


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    #22
    kiffer
    Registered Users Posts: 2,097 ✭✭✭kiffer


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Have you considered not reading articles at all and just realising that the opposite sex is not different at all and you can talk to them just like you would talk to anyone else in your life?

    "Women" are not some device off an assembly line that you need an instruction manual for.

    Learn how to speak to PEOPLE. Job done.

    Yes... women are people.
    No one can tell you how to talk to people OP because no one has a set plan. (Or they claim not to...)

    For example if you asked me what to say to a person on the otherside of the room I would just look at you blankly and have no idea what to say...
    but I regularly find myself chatting to all sorts of people about semi random topics.
    The bus is late, the lift is saying the wrong floor, there are a drunkt couple fighting on the other side of the road, does anyont know why that car is abandoned in the middle of the road?
    Things that are happening around us.
    The guy who works in the local shop knows what I want to buy if I win the lotto, the woman in the bookshop knows what happened in Vegas.
    ... but no one will tell you what to talk about with a stranger... beacuse as soon as it's scripted it falls apart.
    OR they are all hiding the script from us...
    I wouldn't put it past them.

    I am terribly at "talking to women", never think of anything to say... so I don't try... I just turn to the nearest person every no and then and ask them about what is happening now.
    "Is this singer always this bad/good?"
    "Why is the DJ playing the same song over and over?"
    "How come the queue seems to be moving backwards?"
    Nothing about you/your hobbies, nothing about them.
    Just statements about the now, and a natural response to their response, exchange names, work up to trying to keep up small talk for 5 minutes.

    *shrug*
    People will say "watch to see if they are looking at you" or stuff about making eye contact with you before you talk to them but honestly I think some of us are just way to oblivious to catch that most of the time.


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