Wife attitude to intimacy - had a very prudish parent

westernlad4x · 22-08-2014 12:43pm #1

This is an awkward post to write but here goes ...

Is there anyone here who has experienced with their partner issues surround sexual intimacy which in all likelihood appear to stem from negative connotations of sex ingrained in childhood ?

If they are ingrained views then I realise they must be nigh to impossible to soften with time.
I am just wondering if anyone has managed to overcome this in their relationship by building up trust and helping partner overcome an almost inherited narrow view of sexuality.

By way of context - in my own marriage it seems in all honesty that my mother in law has a kind of narrowminded squeamishness about human sexuality that articulates itself in all sorts of odd ways.
Over the years I've seen her mention stuff in awkward ways in what might best be summarised as a general notion of "boys and men and their dirty willies and man parts".
I even recall her talking about how she was uncomfortable on public transport when visiting Dublin because she had to touch handrail and it had been touched by men and "God knows where their hands had been".
I recently heard her express her dissatisfaction to my daughter (her grand-daughter) about the idea of school based sex education being explicit.

My own marriage has been plagued with a lot of fraught issues around my wife's dis-interest in sex or even to discuss our sex life to any degree.
I'd be actually somewhat conservative myself on social issues but no hangups about healthy sexual relationships.
I honestly believe it must stem at least to a good part to ideas formed in childhood.

Not to repeat myself but anyone come across this ?
Was it a relationship killer ?
I certainly cannot explicitly blame my MIL to my wife's face.
In many other ways her mother is a generous and giving person who has helped us out on many occasions and for all I know she may have been given those negative vibes from her own mother in turn.

Dial Hard · 22-08-2014 1:49pm

If you do a search on this forum you will see countless posts about lack of intimacy/sexual incompatibility in marriages. What always sticks out to me is that in pretty much every case, the issue was present long before the marriage. I presume you were aware of your wife's sexual hang-ups before you got married?

So, the issue here isn't where they're stemming from, necessarily, but whether or not she's willing to address them, or even acknowledge that they exist. Given you've said she doesn't even want to address your sex life, I'm guessing the answer here is no. That being the case, you haven't a hope in hell of sorting out this issue by yourself. You need counselling, together and probably her on her own too. Whether she'll agree to this is another matter altogether, though.

westernlad4x · 22-08-2014 2:24pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

If you do a search on this forum you will see countless posts about lack of intimacy/sexual incompatibility in marriages. What always sticks out to me is that in pretty much every case, the issue was present long before the marriage. I presume you were aware of your wife's sexual hang-ups before you got married?

Actually, when we first dated my now wife was generally quite comfortable about intimacy and we engaged in a lot of mutually enjoyable heavy petting to orgasm, etc.
She was traditional about leaving full on sex until marriage but that wasn't highly unusual in our generation (we are now in our 40s).
Our first 2 years of marriage were on a good footing regarding us both being mutually sexually interested in each other.
Come to remember, she often used to remind me with a smile to pop to the chemist to get condoms as weekends approached,etc.

The only clue I would have had to her attitude was that she placed a line in the sand even before things became physical that oral sex wasn't ever going to be on the cards.
To be fair to her that seemed to be her just being honest and forthcoming about stuff she wasn't comfortable with.. so i never pushed that.

I don't think lack of enthusiasm for oral sex by itself could ever be used as a reliable yardstick for a larger scale unease with sex and intimacy in general.
Many women in healthy sexual relationships are uneasy about that for various reasons.

I guess some of my concern now as time goes on is that I worry that my kids are going to get the same narrow and awkward view of sexuality by osmosis.
I've mentioned that the MIL was already airing her awkwardness around the topic to my 12 year old daughter.

njs030 · 22-08-2014 4:14pm

I'm finding your posts confusing- on one hand your wife was interested sexually before and in the early years of your marriage and isn't anymore. She also refuses to discuss it. Is that correct?

If so I'm not sure how or why you blame her mother as it can't be a attitude picked up in childhood if it's only appeared in recent years. Clearly she knew sex was important enough to make it part of your dating and early years together! its more likely your wife has lost interest in a sexual relationship and finds it easier to ignore the problem rather than deal with it.

As the previous poster said this is a regular issue on here and you need counselling. Though the biggest problem could be getting your wife to go if she refuses to see the problem.
You ask is it a relationship breaker- that depends if you are happy with continuing with the way things are. If not then you need to have a serious conversation with your wife and find out if she is willing to engage in a process to fix this side of yor marriage.

westernlad4x · 22-08-2014 9:27pm

notjustsweet wrote: »

I'm finding your posts confusing- on one hand your wife was interested sexually before and in the early years of your marriage and isn't anymore. She also refuses to discuss it. Is that correct?

If so I'm not sure how or why you blame her mother as it can't be a attitude picked up in childhood if it's only appeared in recent years. Clearly she knew sex was important enough to make it part of your dating and early years together! its more likely your wife has lost interest in a sexual relationship and finds it easier to ignore the problem rather than deal with it.

As the previous poster said this is a regular issue on here and you need counselling. Though the biggest problem could be getting your wife to go if she refuses to see the problem.
You ask is it a relationship breaker- that depends if you are happy with continuing with the way things are. If not then you need to have a serious conversation with your wife and find out if she is willing to engage in a process to fix this side of yor marriage.

I am not out to specifically blame her mother - there are very likely a number of factors at play and the trouble is the closed attitude to us both having a frank discussion.
We've had a few discussions. She initially berates me for bringing it up, she does tell me she loves me (and vice versa). Eventually she admits things need to improve.
They do for a short while and then they regress, regrettably.
I do have a sense though that her initial eagerness in the bedroom was partly due to the liberation from a strict childhood and the apron ties of her strongwilled parents.
However, I really do sense that her mother's attitude to matters sexual eventually has come full circle in terms of how a good mother behaves.
I really don't think these things can be underestimated.
I would be on very dangerous ground articulating this to my lovely wife but as the years have gone on it has dawned on me how overplayed her mum in particular is with regards to matters of private morality.

jcon1913 · 24-08-2014 1:59am

westernlad4x wrote: »

I am not out to specifically blame her mother - there are very likely a number of factors at play and the trouble is the closed attitude to us both having a frank discussion.
We've had a few discussions. She initially berates me for bringing it up, she does tell me she loves me (and vice versa). Eventually she admits things need to improve.
They do for a short while and then they regress, regrettably.
I do have a sense though that her initial eagerness in the bedroom was partly due to the liberation from a strict childhood and the apron ties of her strongwilled parents.
However, I really do sense that her mother's attitude to matters sexual eventually has come full circle in terms of how a good mother behaves.
I really don't think these things can be underestimated.
I would be on very dangerous ground articulating this to my lovely wife but as the years have gone on it has dawned on me how overplayed her mum in particular is with regards to matters of private morality.

My OH and I are in the same age as yourselves and while everything started off fine defo after our second child was born things took a nosedive. This meant sex once a month. This AFAIK is common enough in Ireland for women my OH knows to brag to each other about it. FFS.

Anyway while you have nothing as specific to complain about as that If I was you Id say I wouldnt worry abput the issue you have raised. Again just to point out if you look through PI/RI threads you will see plenty of wives apparently "on strike" in the sex dept.

Got to go to bed now hopefully OH will be snoring ( not trying to totally hijack your thread )

Wife attitude to intimacy - had a very prudish parent

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