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Husband perpharated my eardrum with a punch..

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  • 18-10-2014 12:35am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    2 weeks ago at 4am, my husband punched me so hard in left side of my head that I couldn't hear properly & the pain was terrible, went to the doctor the next day I was terrified my hearing was going and I felt sick. Dr examined my ear and said there was a tiny hole/tear in my eardrum that would most likely get better itself in 2-3 months or sooner, my blood pressure was also very high, so was my temperature and I was very pale and shaken. To date, my husband has denied this, then when he does he says I deserved it and any normal person would ask what I did to get the punch in the first place?!?, the new one now it was self defense that I attacked him first, the man is horrible, a bully & liar. It was not self defense and the only witness is my 9 year old daughter who I will never drag into it because he can't tell the truth. I was in bed beside her (I never sleep in my room, haven't in years as I cannot stand him and what he has done to my life) and I had fallen asleep reading her a story unexpectedly. At about 2/3am I woke and went to get my phone where I had left it in my own room earlier while it was charging and it wasn't there but I eventually found it as I need the alarm for the morning, then went back into bed. At 4am, he charges into the room, starts shouting in my face like a madman foaming at the mouth that I broke his phone and I am mental etc the usual abuse I get. I knew I didn't sure I am never near it he keeps it stuck to him incase I find anymore evidence of the crap he sends about me to his family and friends (basically I am branded a physco & he has a terrible life with me, all not true,). I got out of the bed and picked up his phone and it was perfect, and yes I did call him a nutter for doing what he just did and to just get away from me and that I hated him, next thing punch in the side of the head it was agony I cried for hours. I had no money or anything on me, he does that all the time leaves me penniless so I can't do anything so I couldn't pay the doctor and still have to pay her. A few hours earlier that evening, we were arguing over something that I asked him about, it was really a message to pass on with a question about something he is supposed to have said about something that is none of his business and he went mental because I asked him and I did give out telling him not to be sticking his nose in other peoples business. He said he didn't say anything but he still hasn't confronted the person who mentioned his name yet I get punched in the head and I am the bad person here?.
    So, now, he is saying I made up that he perforated my eardrum and he wants proof from a doctor, a copy of my reciept for the visit (don't have didn't pay) or the prescription which is usually his tactics when he does wrong by me and I end up being the one hurt he wants proof of it and just denies it and blames me. Why the hell should I proove to him that he damaged my ear?, how the hell does he have to guts to ask me for it?, why does he have this self of entitlement that nomatter what he does to me he can get away with it and lie and deny.
    I admit I do hate him, I don't love him, I want him to move out and leave me and the kids alone so we can have piece and quiet and a normal life. He won't go, why is he here to bring misery and upset everytime he is in the house. I have been a stay at home mum since 2010 having 3 kids and working full time wasn't a runner but yet I am a lazy, sponger that takes every penny from him and he lies so much about me. My house and kids are spotless, I never stop going, he hands me €120 housekeeping per week but most of the time it's less than that and I am supposed to be on my hands and knees with gratitude, he earns €55k per annum, mortgage and usual bills are not that bad he makes them up. I haven't had a new pair of shoes in about 3 years and the odd pair of cheap runners and my feet are in bits from cheap footwear. I am in my final year of my degree which I have studied thru distance education (he didn't have to pay for that), just started a new job part time. He lost his carkeys a while ago and blamed me it was horrible, why would I do something like that plus I have my own car, he lost them himself and just can't admit it, sure he was blaming a bloke that painted the house and I had to tell him not to be going around making accusations like that without proof, so then I was in the firing line for his keys. That is just one example. He also lied that my car was financed in his name and that I forged his signature on the HP loan it's so sick, but the things was signed and witnessed in the garage by a salesperson and I was paying the loan back fine no problem, he has actually told his family that but I don't care about them they are bullies and lowlives. He tried to pull it off got a solicitor and tried to actually tell a bank he didn't sign it but they had proof of a witness, and nothing more was heard of it. He has hurt me so much emotionally and physically over the years and isn't man enough to tell the truth and has even lies to gards and played the nice guy and that I am the mad one, but they don't fall for it. He has defamed me for years behind my back. Another thing he did on a neighbour was that he got it into his head that they didn't like him or had an attitude towards him and I never saw it or had any issues there, he slashed a tyre on their car in the small hours and I caught him I couldn't believe it. He denies it now saying I have no proof the usual blah blah. This person is trying to destroy me, I never wanted to marry him I knew in my heart it was wrong, he was never a loving, caring person or someone I wanted to spend time with. I can't live like this anymore, I want to be happy and enjoy life, I have been through alot in life and one particular thing that only me and him know about has stayed with me and I find it hard to deal with sometimes but I just have to move on and not let it take over me. He couldn't give a damn he always got off scot free, I was left to deal with the crap alone. I am still young, mid 30's, and I don't want to be in my mid 40's still married to him it was never normal and it never will be, I am no unhappy and cry alot. Will someone just tell me he has no right to ask for a receipt or prescription to proove he perforated my eardrum. I do worry for my kids, they are amazing, they know we hate eachother, it's not good for them but we are happy when he is not here, he can't just be a normal family man with his lovely kids and treat his wife with respect instead of wanting to give an outer impression that I am some sort of nutcase. I am so stressed out I can barely breathe sometimes, yet he sleeps everynight no problem thinks he is entitled to behave like this.


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    #2
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Hi OP,

    I'm saddened to hear what you've been through with this guy - that's not a husband, that's animal behaviour, and you need to get yourself and your children away from him as soon as possible. Do you have any family or friends that you can stay with?

    You are not alone in this - there are plenty of threads in this forum from women who have been in exactly the same position as you, who have reached out for help, and there are organisations out there ready and willing to help you should you pick up the phone and call them. The first port of call I would recommend is Women's Aid - they provide support services and information to women experiencing abuse from their partners. As well as the linked website, they have a freephone number (1800 341 900) which operates from 10am to 10pm should you want to give them a call.

    Contact Womens Aid first thing tomorrow, and they will talk to you about the options that are available to you. Once you have spoken to them, and you and your kids are safe, I would also recommend that you contact the gardaí and report your husband for assault.


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    #3
    Betty Bloggs
    Registered Users Posts: 274 ✭✭Betty Bloggs


    You are NOT in the wrong here. You are NOT a "psycho bitch" or to blame. His actions are NOT your fault though he tries to make you believe that.
    He has no right to go looking for "proof" or evidence of any of the things he has put you through. This is him just trying to control and manipulate the situation and to belittle you.

    I know on the surface you seem to already know these things, but people like him can wear you down to the point you start doubting yourself, so I feel you need to hear from an outsider perspective that what he is doing is completely wrong.

    I know it's so easy to just say leave him but I realise you will have to first gain the courage to do so. Women's Aid may be able to help you in taking that step.

    If he's punching you infront of the children, then imo it could only be a matter of time before he turns on them next violently, even if it's only a new way to hurt you.
    Everyone here including myself will tell you that you need to escape to protect yourself and your children.

    You already know in your heart what you need to do.

    Just as a side note. Your doctor or hospital should still have this evidence of your injury in your medical file on computer, it shouldn't matter that you didn't pay.

    You should take this medical "proof" that your husband is demanding, but don't give it to that scumbag, bring it to the Guards instead and get yourself a solicitor.

    Take Care.xx


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you so much, there are such good people out there, have no car at the moment it's off the road due to headgasket going and I can't pay to get it fixed :(. I live & work in Dublin.
    I do know what I am living thru is wrong and I did talk to womans aid but I couldn't make it into see them face to face as I couldn't afford to get there. I hoped my childrens allowence payment would cover it but I had far too much to pay out and kids needed new clothes and things they do afterschool had to be paid.
    I need to tell you all this what he did to me just over a year ago, 3 days before my exams, he was acting up giving me a hard time, he had broke up the kitchen and drove violently after me when I went to tell the Gards but the station was closed and I really needed help that day, and I could hear him lying to his parents about me, one morning he went off all suited up saying he had a job interview, two days later I recieved a protection order in the post I was shattered and couldn't believe it. Him, the size of him, and his father, had went to a court and basically told a registrar he was in fear of his life which is total lies I have never done anything he only did this coz I tried to go to the gards. It was all timed to perfection I collapsed in shock and just cried I thought I could loose my kids. I went down to the local gards for advice and they even said to me not to worry that it would be me they would be concerned about but told me that he could ring them and get me arrested so to be careful. He realised he made a big mistake almost straight away and rang the courts to cancel it which isn't possible it had to run out it's 28days I was in bits. That is his aim, can you see what he does, he has made people think he has a terrible life here and made sure by doing what he does that nobody believes me.
    I did go to court 2 years ago for a barring and maintenance order, they did offer me the safety order but I said no like a fool, in the end never went back for the other 2 as things quietened down here and then last year when he did his thing he basically said it was revenge for what I did and told his clan the lie that I got one against him but I never did and he still lies that I did. How can he get away with all this?. My friends see how he acts and know I have it hard but they have their own families can't go to them. My family know but again can't stay there and my parents are at an age where I can't impose with 3 kids plus they are angry with me for ever having anything to do with him and letting myself enter a loveless unhappy marraige. They do support me and love me though and I am grateful for that.


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    #5
    makeandcreate
    Registered Users Posts: 451 ✭✭makeandcreate


    My original post has been deleted. Does you can find me here for a coffee break rules?


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    #6
    kiffer
    Registered Users Posts: 2,097 ✭✭✭kiffer


    Get out of that situation now.
    I don't know about legalities of you leaving vs him leaving/being made to leave the house...
    but you owe it to yourself and the children to get out now.
    Call Women's Aid, call the guards, tell the doctor...
    does the doctor know how your eardrum got perforated?
    Did you go to him after previous assaults?

    Get to safety, get the kids to safety.


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    #7
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    makeandcreate - please don't offer to meet with or otherwise engage with the OP outside of this thread again. This rule is as much to protect the posters here as it is to protect the OP.

    Seeing as you are relatively new contributor to PI/RI, please familiarise yourself with the forum charter before posting again.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yes I did tell her it was my husband, the force of the punch was so hard my right ear was a bit muffled aswell it was horrible. It is the first time I went to the doc I had to do something. I didn't go to the gards as I was in between school runs. Himself said he went to the gards and told them what happened and that it was self defense and had some mark on his arm saying it was me, he also said he has gone to the gards lots of time to tell them I am violent so it's on record if I go near them. I have gone to them before and there is only so much they can do, but they never mentioned him going near them and I don't know what he could possibly say to them but he is a master manipulator. But, that is what he calls me, everything he is and does he turns it all back on me.
    I do worry for the kids safety they have seen too much, why won't he move out, if I am so mental and violent why is he still here?. He said he will never leave this house, it's jointly owned, sure he does nothing with the kids or for them, they are only a weapon for him against me when he feels like it as they are all I care about in life. He plays mind games like if I am in college and I ring to see how things are he never ans the phone or replies to texts and I come home to them upset but it's better now as my oldest has his own phone now so I ring him.
    I am in such a bad situation I don't know what to do and I am afraid to. He even lied about mediation a while back as they never rang me to ask would I go, he obviously went somewhere else to lie about me and got nowhere again. He never does, nomatter what he says or does I won't break and I won't loose anything because of lies.
    kiffer wrote: »
    Get out of that situation now.
    I don't know about legalities of you leaving vs him leaving/being made to leave the house...
    but you owe it to yourself and the children to get out now.
    Call Women's Aid, call the guards, tell the doctor...
    does the doctor know how your eardrum got perforated?
    Did you go to him after previous assaults?

    Get to safety, get the kids to safety.


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    #9
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I would very much doubt that he's gone to the guards to get it on record that you marked him - he's trying to manipulate you though fear into not reporting him. And after years of this manipulation I can understand why that has made you reluctant.

    But whether he has followed through on this or not, it's not important - he attacked you, punching you hard enough to rupture your eardrum. Go to the police immediately, and ask for a female officer if you would feel more comfortable. If you are unsure of how to deal with this, Women's Aid can help you with the reporting process. In the longer term, they can also provide you with counselling, as well as providing you with information on social welfare /community welfare entitlements, and putting you in touch with charities that can help you.

    I appreciate that all of this is daunting right now, but your safety, and the safety of your children is paramount, and they will be able to help you through this, one step at a time.

    I wish you the best.


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    #10
    Lalealea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 212 ✭✭Lalealea


    Battered person syndrome is a physical and psychological condition of a person who has suffered (usually persistent) emotional, physical, or sexual abuse from another person. I really think you need someone to help you think carefully and calmly.DSM-IV-TR does not provide a distinct diagnostic category for reactions to battering. Rather the diverse reactions of battered people are treated as separate diagnoses, for example, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or depression.

    What I can tell you is there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be happy again. If you leave. This will be tough. You will learn a lot about yourself. This will not define you.

    Does this feel like it applies to you?

    'When Battered Person Syndrome (BPS) manifests as PTSD, it consists of the following symptoms: (a) re-experiencing the battering as if it were recurring even when it is not, (b) attempts to avoid the psychological impact of battering by avoiding activities, people, and emotions, (c) hyperarousal or hypervigilance, (d) disrupted interpersonal relationships, (e) body image distortion or other somatic concerns, and ([7]

    Additionally, repeated cycles of violence and reconciliation can result in the following beliefs and attitudes:[8]

    The abused thinks that the violence was his or her fault.
    The abused has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
    The abused fears for her/his life, and/or, the lives of loved ones whom the abuser might or has threatened to harm (e.g., children-in-common, close relatives or friends).
    The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.'


    The syndrome develops in response to a three-stage cycle found in domestic violence situations. First, tension builds in the relationship. Second, the abusive partner releases tension via violence while blaming the victim for having caused the violence. Third, the violent partner makes gestures of contrition. However, the partner does not find solutions to avoid another phase of tension building and release so the cycle repeats. The repetition of the violence despite the abuser's attempts to "make nice" results in the abused partner feeling at fault for not preventing a repeat cycle of violence. However, since the victim is not at fault and the violence is internally driven by the abuser's need to control.

    Take the hand of the future you could have and run!

    You are not a passive victim you are a resourceful survivor but it's working against you right now.

    Ask yourself am I safe right now? If not leave.


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    #11
    Betty Bloggs
    Registered Users Posts: 274 ✭✭Betty Bloggs


    Your local St Vincent de Paul might be able to help you with a small payment towards your travel costs if you explain the situation you are in. A letter from your doctor and/or Guards could help explain your situation too.

    This is a link to several organisations in Dublin that provide 24 hour emergency accommodation for women and their children.
    They also provide counselling, legal/court support and advice and a range of other help.

    http://www.safeireland.ie/our-members/dublin/
    (There's also a link on that page about internet history safety in violent relationships so that he doesn't find things you've looked at online)

    I would suspect he is lying about visiting the Guards to scare you into keeping away from them.
    You fear that nobody will believe you due to his past manipulations, but that is simply not true.

    It might not feel like it but you have the upper hand here.
    Your local Guards were more concerned about your safety when you went to them after the protection order being issued against you. You have a group of your friends and family who all know about his abuse and would testify against him. Your own children have witnessed his abuse towards you (although I know you don't want to use them as witnesses), you have hospital/doctor documented medical evidence of injury and a doctor who could testify on your behalf.

    There might also be a record of him trying to quickly withdraw and get rid of the protection order he got through his lies.
    He tried to lie and accuse you of forgery before to a solicitor and the bank over the car finance but was caught out by them due to the independent witness, I wonder if these things could also possibly be used against him in a court to build up a background/history of him telling lies about you and trying to get you in trouble?

    I really think with this latest injury that now is the time to act. You said it's the first time you've gone to the doctor after one of his assaults. You now have some strong medical evidence that could be argued against him in court.
    I would really urge you to go to the Guards over this latest attack.
    I would act now and report him first before he tries any more mad legal manipulations against you such as pretending that you assaulted him (with self inflicted injuries.)

    People will believe you.
    Stay Strong.


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    #12
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    You've had excellent advice here, so I won't repeat what was said.
    Contact women's aid and talk to someone.
    Delete your internet history and searches.
    Leave.

    You say you love your children, but you are showing them that this is a normal relationship between partners. Do you want your daughter to have a partner like her dad, or do you want her with someone kind and loving when she grows up? Do you want your son to think this is how you treat women? We learn from our parents. My abusive ex had an abusive dad and abusive grandad.

    If you can't take the steps to end your relationship for yourself, could you do it for your children?

    Please, call women's aid.


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    #13
    Soilse
    Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭Soilse


    You know you can always come back here and rant whenever needed dont you. Its difficult right now for you so I would think in very small steps get out of the house pack the very basics and leave as soon as possible if you dont have a car walk to the neighbours and ask for a lift to womens aid, walk to the police station and ask to go to womens aid.

    Until you and your children are in a place you feel safe you wont be able to think through everything else.

    Please do as others have said.

    You deserve a space thats peaceful and safe but you need to make the first step

    Remember peace and happiness is what you deserve but it wont find you until you start looking for it


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you for the great advice. It's very hard for me to get out of here and I have a long road of battles ahead of me with him as he thinks he is in pole position as he has convinced so many I am some sort of physco and he is justified in his behaviour. He has lied and defamed me for years, even referring to himself as a gentle giant it's horrible. Nobody knows the real him. At least I know I am not lying and have nothing to hide. He is very convincing and so sure in himself that he is in the right and portrays such a terrible image of me what am I supposed to do.
    He does nothing at home, spends his time lying on the bed or sitting down on the internet, he would never offer to give me a bit of a break and do something. He refers to me as lazy, this morning and yesterday evening I was called a bully because I asked him to clean up the kitchen table, and this morning I was bathing the kids and couldn't fold down the clothes horse (it always happens there is a knack to it that I can't seem to grasp) so I was called lazy yet the entire time he is sitting in the room doing nothing.
    I am not a bully or aggressive yet he makes that out, he is the one inflicting all the pain yet turns it around everytime. I know I am fighting a loosing battle with someone like him but I can't let him away with the lies anymore it's not fair.
    He has called me a slut, the cheek of him, I have never been that type. I was always shy that way as a teenager and young girl and always had respect for myself so I don't have a history of behaving like that. It's very upsetting being portrayed like this when I am not a bully, agressor, slut, stupid, ugly, mental or a bad mother. Why does he want to live his life making out he has a hard time at home to outsiders, who I don't actually know so they are just listening to his crap. I look at the way I keep our home, how amazing our kids are and he has to behave like this it's just wrong. He likes to be in control and have me in a position of no money and no way to get anywhere makes him feel good about himself, then he says that I say that I am amazing about myself when I don't, it's all turn the tables everytime. I smoke, hate it, but I do go out and have one when feeling stressed and he shouts after me that I am rewarding myself for arguing with him by having a fag!?!. Also I told him the only time I have ever physically gone near him I have been drunk, it's true, can't do it otherwise as I don't love him. So this means I am an alcaholic and I need drink to be a normal person, in otherwords do what he wants. I don't drink much at all, haven't been out in months coz I never have the money, same goes for getting a bottle of wine never have the money it's needed for other important things, every excuse he has he tries to label me. I am so depressed in this horrible atmosphere I am in. I cried till 4am and have done several times today and most days. I hate when he comes home from work the atmosphere is the house just goes black. He is getting nowhere with his antics as I said before no way will he get my kids or break me. I just want to get away from him forever, just me and my kids and we will be happy in our own home without him.


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    #15
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    Oh honey, from the first line of your first post I wanted you to be sure and leave as quick as possible. I had to force myself to read the rest.

    The abusive relationship I got out of wasn't as bad as your's, and like you I kept wanting to leave and then going back for more (promises of counselling - empty promises). In the end I left for the sake of the kids, because they were afraid and walking on eggshells just like me.

    Please leave pet.

    Please ring women's aid. Phone them secretly (when he's at work and the kids in school) and tell them you are going to leave but he can't find out till you are gone. Tell them you have nowhere to go, and no money to get there anyway, and you need immediate help to get out of this appalling marriage with this monstrous person. Tell them he might kill you next time, because tbh, he sounds well capable of it. DON'T tell your husband anything - act completely as normal (as in walking on eggshells, doing your best to stay clear of his temper). As soon as there are plans in place, maybe for a woman and children's shelter (whatever women's aid advises) you will be able to pack your most essential items - kids birth certs, your birth cert and passports, basic changes of clothes/uniforms - all done in secret, and be gone before he gets back from work.

    Your kids need to be out of there OP, and so do you but you sound so twisted up with the horror of what's been done to you that you may still be thinking sticking around would be the safer option. No. Get out. Women's shelters are there to protect women from their violent husbands and they help you get on your feet.


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So today I am being called a narcissist and a bully. He wants to bully my kids and i won't let him speak to them in his horrible rude manner and the lies out of him, "you do nothing with them", eh I am here everyday, do homework, take them to afterschool stuff, go for walks with them as much as I can but the weather hasn't helped this week so it's my fault my son is playing his xbox most of today?!. Calling me ugly and fat aswell, which I am not, but he is nothing attractive at all and never was. Over the years the amount of comments I got wondering what I was doing with him. He has always had a weight problem. He treats the dogs better than his own family he makes me sick.
    I know I have to get out it's actually getting out is the problem, when really he should just get out of here and leave us in peace. He is prepared to upset their schools and lives and stay in this house himself for what?.
    He is a selfish, arrogant, lying bully. How do people like him exist, how do they get away with all this and how do they get anyone to believe their stories?
    I know I am ranting a bit but I really don't feel like giving my parents a blow by blow account of my weekend and don't feel like repeating the broken record of his behaviour to my friends either as I am just tired and sick of it all.


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    #17
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    It's over wrote: »
    I know I am ranting a bit but I really don't feel like giving my parents a blow by blow account of my weekend and don't feel like repeating the broken record of his behaviour to my friends either as I am just tired and sick of it all.

    You're entitled to rant, but you don't have to justify yourself to us. He requires you to justify yourself all the time, nobody else.

    Whatever about who started what argument/who threw something/who threatened who, your family is TOXIC FOR CHILDREN and toxic for both you and your husband. Honestly OP, when I hear about someone living the way you do, and knowing what I know (which is that you won't go till YOU have had enough, and no amount of other people worrying about you will help), I feel very helpless to give you any advice.

    Nobody can stop this but you. The only way to stop it is to leave. I am thinking that perhaps as sick and tired as you are of telling your friends/family how bad it is, they're as sick and tired telling you to go, but you won't go. Your children are suffering because you won't go, taking them with you. Simple as that.

    I'm saying no more on this, I'm finding your excuses NOT to leave too personally upsetting, sorry if that's harsh but there's your kids involved and I know from the stuff my kids were put through by both my ex and ME fighting, that they're in big trouble. Poor things.


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Oh god the kids, that is my main worry I don't want them thinking this is right. We are fine and happy when he is not here, so why does he want to have his kids in the toxic atmosphere by behaving like he is and why won't he go coz he is a bully.
    I want to go and need to go, it's my only option but I honestly have nowhere to go and not a penny to my name, the sw won't help me as i am not legally seperated. My parents won't take us in as much as they dislike him and what I am living in they don't want the four of us in their house due to their age & they have rared their kids, it's not a runner. My siblings are not in the country & all my friends can put me up for a night or two but that's it and then homelessness and if I do that I will loose the kids coz I took them out of a home and have them without a home. None of my friends and family are sick of telling me to leave coz nobody has anywhere I can go but I will get back onto womensaid again but the last day I spoke I had to go to see them and not just do things over the phone so i have to get to them to help my situation. I am not telling my parents anymore coz simply they can't help me end of. I wish they could but they are not in the habit if taking any of us back in esp with kids in tow.
    I am sorry if I am upsetting you as you have been in this place and it's the worst and yes I know I am now depressed, untrusting and emotionally drained. I hate what I have become, I used to be so social, happy, funny and I am not that person anymore. The only thing left in me is the love I have for my kids and they need out of here for their own sake listening to the toxic crap is so bad for them it's not good for when the get older. When he is here they are sad and unhappy, when he is not here we are laughing and just normal no bothers at all with us.


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    #19
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    I'm back because your problem is sitting with me and I shouldn't have said you were making excuses and didn't want to go. I'm very sorry OP, and you are not to blame for the feelings that came up in me. I just recognised myself in what you say about your fighting, and I know how totally unhinged I was when I was desperate - couldn't see the wood for the trees. I had much more support than you do however as my aunt lived close by and I was able to move there. So you need a bigger and more elaborate plan to get out. Let's make one?
    It's over wrote: »
    Oh god the kids, that is my main worry I don't want them thinking this is right. We are fine and happy when he is not here, so why does he want to have his kids in the toxic atmosphere by behaving like he is and why won't he go coz he is a bully.

    Yes, OP, it's clear you'll have to be the bigger person and end this, as he has no intention of losing control over you.
    I want to go and need to go, it's my only option but I honestly have nowhere to go and not a penny to my name, the sw won't help me as i am not legally seperated.

    You have to be living separately for 3 months to get the social welfare. First fact.
    My parents won't take us in as much as they dislike him and what I am living in they don't want the four of us in their house due to their age & they have rared their kids, it's not a runner.

    First question: Can you ask them for money to tide you over for 3 months? This may run to the thousands, if you were to put deposit/rent a place and bus the kids around/feed them etc., so obviously move on to the next idea if that's not possible.
    My siblings are not in the country & all my friends can put me up for a night or two but that's it and then homelessness and if I do that I will loose the kids coz I took them out of a home and have them without a home. None of my friends and family are sick of telling me to leave coz nobody has anywhere I can go

    Again, very sorry for saying that to you, but I remembered how much procrastinating and putting off the inevitable that I did. Hope I didn't upset you too much. However, this is good, that you have friends. They can help. Do any of them ever mind your youngest kids, or even better are they all in school? Either way, you need to get your kids minded (if necessary), another friend to drive you to woman's aid, and both of them to say NOTHING to their partners or friends so it doesn't get back to your husband. Make a plan of action, and involve them.
    The only thing left in me is the love I have for my kids and they need out of here for their own sake listening to the toxic crap is so bad for them it's not good for when the get older. When he is here they are sad and unhappy, when he is not here we are laughing and just normal no bothers at all with us.

    I know the feeling hon. It gets better when you've left, you know it will. Women's aid. ASAP, with help from friends.


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    #20
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    Gotta log off now, will check in tomorrow. Hope you think this through and make a plan hon. Xx


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    #21
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Stop trying to understand why he is the way he is. You will never make sense of his behaviour, because there is no reason, other than that's the way he is.

    Just go to a legal aid centre on Monday, go to the district court office also, tell them you want to apply for a baring order. And you want an interim barring order in the meantime.
    This time, do not back out.
    You should have a doctors cert? Tell the judge the abuse, physical and mental that you have suffered over the years.
    Tell the judge that your children have witnessed this abuse.

    A barring order will put him out if the home, this is enforced by gardai and taken very seriously.
    Just do it op, stand up for yourself, and feck him.


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    #22
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    I'm so sorry for what you (and your children) are going through and I think you have gotten fantastic advice so far on this, which I can't really add to, only to say I think you need to go to your parents and stay there, I know you said you don't want to land on them, but you know what (and here's the 'cruel to be kind' ) you have to, if not for your sake for your childrens sake, they are your parents, they should want to help.

    Stop trying to analyse the monster of a husband of yours, it's not going to help. You need to get out, and again think of your children.


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    #23
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    OP, in my opinion, there's no way you and your children should leave your home.
    You stay exactly where you are, go and get an emergency barring order, first thing Monday morning.
    Put him out and keep him out.


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    #24
    up for anything
    Registered Users Posts: 5,776 ✭✭✭up for anything


    You don't have to be separated three months in order to get social welfare as such. The community welfare officer will give you a payment for those three months which is equal to Lone Parents/Jobseekers Allowance. I know this as I was in your position once and it is still standard practice.

    I understand that you don't want to leave your home and that you shouldn't have to but sometimes it is the only way to loosen the grip on yourself. Your house is only things, your home is you and for your kids where you are is home. The longer the children stay in a toxic atmosphere the more damage they will incur.

    I ran from our house one winter's evening five years ago with my four children, spent 8 weeks in a refuge and moved into the house we are still living in. I left everything behind but at the same time I brought everything I needed with me. Possessions are just things. It's the people that are important. I've never regretted it.


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    #25
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    up for anything wrote: »
    You don't have to be separated three months in order to get social welfare as such. The community welfare officer will give you a payment for those three months which is equal to Lone Parents/Jobseekers Allowance. I know this as I was in your position once and it is still standard practice.

    I understand that you don't want to leave your home and that you shouldn't have to but sometimes it is the only way to loosen the grip on yourself. Your house is only things, your home is you and for your kids where you are is home. The longer the children stay in a toxic atmosphere the more damage they will incur.

    I ran from our house one winter's evening five years ago with my four children, spent 8 weeks in a refuge and moved into the house we are still living in. I left everything behind but at the same time I brought everything I needed with me. Possessions are just things. It's the people that are important. I've never regretted it.

    Nice one up for anything - I did NOT know that about the community welfare officer help (wish I had). And you're so right about leaving everything behind, but taking everything that counts with you. Great advice, fair play. And you've done it with 4 kids too. Hope the OP can take heart that it can be done. :-)


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    #26
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks again for the replies so helpful with trying to see things straight. I don't care about the house, just want out of here and a peaceful and happy home anywhere but here for the kids and I.
    Going to get the ball rolling and prepare for our future. His behaviour now has reverted to playing the victim as if he has been wronged and everything is my fault and a "poor me you're such a bitch" attitude which he is actually carrying out in front of people he is so manipulative. Basically I have no right to be mad or upset or tell him he is the one in the wrong. He is convinced he is the superior person here and had good reason to hit me and holds all the cards. He even said today the kids love him like it's some sort of competition, he has to manipulate them into engaging with him. My daugther was not feeling well an hour ago she has been in bed since 9 and I was downstairs watching Love/Hate & doing the housework and he sneaked down here for water and didn't even tell me she was sick he wanted to be the boss. I went up to check on the kids and saw her, he is so evil he wouldn't tell me and would be telling her she doesn't need me just tell him. He does things like that the pig.
    I am so sick of this life and crying, the unhappiness and regret is consuming me.
    The kids love their home, their bedrooms and routine and schools, they will be so upset leaving the house. I can move to another village nearby and keep them in their schools and near their friends. I have to try and get my car back on the road and going to pluck up the courage to ask my parents for a loan to help me get out of here I can't live like this anymore. 13 years of hell and the biggest mistake of my life, but I am my own worst enemy it was never a normal marraige or proper, fair and even relationship and I knew it all along and still stuck it out. He never lifts a finger either like someone from the dark ages I have to do everything and he antagnises me by doing things like hoovering after I have just finished it saying I didn't do it properly while sneering at me to upset me and I let it upset me he see's me cry and get frustrated.
    Thanks for the information of the community welfare officer as I will need to go and talk to them.


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    #27
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    OP, go to Womens Aid and ask them to go to the gardai with you to get a barring order so you can kick him out. Your GP has the evidence that he assaulted you. And go to your parents. This is not some minor issue that they would not want to help with. I guarantee that if they knew he was beating you up physically and emotionally, they would do everything in their power to help you, their child.


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    #28
    The Governor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 949 ✭✭✭The Governor


    I had to post, this is so upsetting as I know exactly what your going through.

    My mam, sister and I have the same carry on from my dad as your husband is to you. It's genuinely scary as their actions mirror.

    He is an utter scumbag. For years he belittled each of us, telling us how we were useless, would never make a thing of ourselves, etc.

    He has even followed me and my sis with a knife while drunk. Has psychically assaulted us too. He also like your husband has tried badmouthing each of us to the local people to get lads of his side, however his mask has started to slip as he has begun to be very aggressive insulting people in the local town while drunk, accusing neighbors of trying to swindle him outta his farm, etc :rolleyes:

    My mam and I have been granted full safety orders and each time the letter arrives he's ringing solicitors, etc saying he's "gonna get us fcukin out" etc

    We have been checking out houses to rent but we will prob be short on finances unfortunately, I hope you can get out, please do it I beg you, I know how it fells, not opening your mouth in case he starts, trying to anticipate what he may go mental over so you can have it sorted so he won't, etc.

    What really kills me is the Gardai and us have reported him to the HSE for his paranoia and they DO NOTHING. Their the most useless bunch ever, he is the classic house devil, street angel. Whats even worse is has severe mental history problems and has been signed in a few times. My mam doesn't wanna bar him as shes worried where will he go, etc. I'll tell you what I tell her, its past the time for caring about him, he won't change, he'll still keep torturing you, it will never end, it really won't. He'll end up killing you some night if you don't get out :( We all lock our bedroom doors at night just in case :(

    I just realized I rambled my own story there as well as advising but I guess I ended up venting as well as showing you you are not alone in kinda abuse, it's not you or your kids, your fella is scum like all the other people that treat their families like this.

    Please, go to the social welfare, also go to womens aid, if you get your own house, get a protection and safety order against him as he will probably end up turning up at the new place screaming at you.

    Believe me, most people aren't blind to one side, if they see you've had to uproot your kids and go get your own place they WILL think theres no smoke without fire.


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    #29
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    If you're not going to get a barring order -which I STRONGLY suggest you do. First thing in the morning, go down to the Gards and get the ball rolling.

    You need to start making plans. First of all, start by going to see the CWO as already suggested. List of offices administering the SWA is here.

    Then - gather up all your important paperwork - Birth Certs, passports, driving licence, insurance documents. Make copies to keep with you. Give the originals to someone you trust; maybe your Mum and Dad/siblings/ best friend.

    If you need to move out, whilst getting the ball rolling on barring orders/finding alternative place to live, then go to the Women's Aid as already suggested.

    I'd also see about getting some legal advice. FLAC would be a good place to start.

    PLEASE GET OUT. Next time, it might not be a perforated eardrum.

    Lots of luck!


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    #30
    The Governor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 949 ✭✭✭The Governor


    Another add on, I was reading how he gives you €120 and screams that your a freeloader even though you care for HIS kids and most likely have the house and dinner ready for the ungrateful scumbag.

    It's all about control, he wants to make sure you need him, that you can't for one second do without him. You should be on your knees thanking him for the grace of even his presence.

    That is also something we have. It first started him sneering at mam saying "what are you gonna do about it?" when she'd threaten to go get help. "You don't have the balls to do it" (going to Gardai)

    "If I leave see how far ye'll get without me" (paying bills)

    "You've no rights here I can do to you what I want" (to me when I applied for safety order)

    He screamed at me and mam a few weeks ago to pay the fcukin bills in our house (he stays in a ajoining granny flat at night now) he was essentially hoping we'd probably be in tearing and kissing his feet begging him that we needed him.

    I simply said, grand forst things first, I'm not paying eircom €50 a month for broadband and phone (he uses the phone) when we only use mobiles and I can get net for €30 a month on its own. Thats gone in the morning first thing.

    His mouth hung open and mumbles something like " I need that fcukin phone" and sauntered off to bed :rolleyes:

    You see the threats are all to keep you under his thumb and make sure you know you can't do without him. You certainly can.


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    #31
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    The Governor wrote: »
    My mam doesn't wanna bar him as shes worried where will he go, etc. I'll tell you what I tell her, its past the time for caring about him, he won't change, he'll still keep torturing you, it will never end, it really won't. He'll end up killing you some night if you don't get out :( We all lock our bedroom doors at night just in case :(

    I just realized I rambled my own story there as well as advising but I guess I ended up venting as well as showing you you are not alone in kinda abuse, it's not you or your kids, your fella is scum like all the other people that treat their families like this.

    Please, go to the social welfare, also go to womens aid, if you get your own house, get a protection and safety order against him as he will probably end up turning up at the new place screaming at you.

    Believe me, most people aren't blind to one side, if they see you've had to uproot your kids and go get your own place they WILL think theres no smoke without fire.

    You've given such a great insight into living with somebody who is mentally unstable to the extent that seemingly to them, even family is against them and nobody knows the persecution they go through except them, and what would you do without them?

    It's amazing how people who feel like they need to control their surroundings (family) nearly stick to a script, eh?

    Something else that becomes apparent when you take back any measure of control over your own life from somebody like that, is that the partner (usually) starts to feel responsible for their well-being. It's like a hangover from when you'd try and make sure everything is right for them, for fear of their reaction. Your mother has you though, to help her see the wood for the trees. You're a credit to her, and to yourself Governor.


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