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Lack of experience killing everything

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  • 15-10-2014 10:44am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    So I'm a guy who recently entered my late twenties and I have never really have had any experience with women. Recently I met this non Irish girl who is in her early twenties but my lack of experience is killing anything happning.

    I never dated any girls or anything similar before, my only sort of experience has come from a drunken night out but that was always as far as things went. She was actually asked me out and since I have since met up with her 4 times. I met this girl through my social group so I do see her outside of our dates but I haven't told anyone in our group about it as I like to keep things private until things get a bit more serious.

    The second time we met up I ended up staying over for a few hours in her place but when I went to kiss her she pulled away saying that it would be under her terms. Third date I walked her home but I didn't make a move just a kiss on the cheek saying good bye. Then when I got home I had a text from her asking why I didn't kiss her at the end of the night.

    We met up last night but nothing happened again but this time she text me afterwards asking where is this going. I said we haven't progressed anywhere in weeks, I am really unfamiliar territory and I don't know what I am doing. She came back saying "We have talked about it too many times, I don't know what else I can say. But if it doesn't progress, we are going to stay friends."

    I was completely sober for the last few times we met up so I don't have Dutch courage to help me across the line.

    I am completely out of my depth here and it would be a shame if this was to end because of my shyness.

    Advice?


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    #2
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,768 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    To be honest, I don't think you are the problem here! You've got yourself caught up with a head-wrecker! First time you attempted to kiss her she told you to back off, that it would be "on her terms" (??) Then when you wait for some indication of "her terms" she's asking you why you haven't kissed her.

    You are most definitely not the problem. The only problem your inexperience is causing you is that you haven't spotted that this one is going to be more trouble than she's worth for you!! A more experienced lad would have the confidence to ask her what she expects.

    She's playing with you...


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    #3
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    LackExperience wrote: »
    I am completely out of my depth here and it would be a shame if this was to end because of my shyness.

    Advice?

    Honestly it sounds like she is aware that this is what you are thinking and is using it to her advantage - to manipulate you and make herself feel better by thinking that she hold all the cards in this relationship. Which is never a good foundation to build anything on.

    As important as it is to meet a person who you want to be with and share your time with, it's equally as important to know when to walk away from somebody who doesn't treat you with the same respect. Which seems to be the case here. If the only way she can treat you is as a guy who needs to vie for her attention, then it's time to find someone else who is actually interested in your needs too.


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    #4
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    LackExperience wrote: »
    I said we haven't progressed anywhere in weeks, I am really unfamiliar territory and I don't know what I am doing. She came back saying "We have talked about it too many times, I don't know what else I can say. But if it doesn't progress, we are going to stay friends."

    Threatening you with a brush off by using your inexperience against you that you were honest and upfront about? Classy! Not.

    Drop her like a stone OP, and it's not entirely up to her if you stay friends or not.


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hi OP it sounds to me like she wants to be in relationship with you, and until that happens she doesn't want to put out. It actually sounds like she just doesn't want to be used, and she does not want to be the one making all the effort, you have to do something too. It was her who asked you out in the first place, and as far as I can see she is interested in more than just the odd date. The 'progress' she mentioned probably meant progress from dating to relationship. Sounds like she wants a relationship, and if she cant have that then she wants a friendship, after all it is headwrecking to date someone many times and it to not turn into a relationship, it is well time for that little talk by now, no? Although I have to say Fair Play to you for telling her the truth and not pretending you had more experience than you had, theres a lot to be said for that kind of honesty.....


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    #6
    berrygood
    Closed Accounts Posts: 181 ✭✭berrygood


    Oh, OP, I'm going to second Big Bag of Chips - your inexperience is definitely not the problem!! This girl doesn't sound terribly nice. The bit about it being on her terms?!! What's that, like! Definite headwrecker! There will be plenty of women out there who won't be bothered about your lack of experience and will actually enjoy being with you. Don't waste your time with her.


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    #7
    DoYouEvenLift
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,188 ✭✭✭DoYouEvenLift


    LackExperience wrote: »
    So I'm a guy who recently entered my late twenties and I have never really have had any experience with women. Recently I met this non Irish girl who is in her early twenties but my lack of experience is killing anything happning.

    I never dated any girls or anything similar before, my only sort of experience has come from a drunken night out but that was always as far as things went. She was actually asked me out and since I have since met up with her 4 times. I met this girl through my social group so I do see her outside of our dates but I haven't told anyone in our group about it as I like to keep things private until things get a bit more serious.

    The second time we met up I ended up staying over for a few hours in her place but when I went to kiss her she pulled away saying that it would be under her terms. Third date I walked her home but I didn't make a move just a kiss on the cheek saying good bye. Then when I got home I had a text from her asking why I didn't kiss her at the end of the night.

    We met up last night but nothing happened again but this time she text me afterwards asking where is this going. I said we haven't progressed anywhere in weeks, I am really unfamiliar territory and I don't know what I am doing. She came back saying "We have talked about it too many times, I don't know what else I can say. But if it doesn't progress, we are going to stay friends."

    I was completely sober for the last few times we met up so I don't have Dutch courage to help me across the line.

    I am completely out of my depth here and it would be a shame if this was to end because of my shyness.

    Advice?


    Unreal. She stops the man from being the one to make the move, implying she'll let him know when she's ready and how it's going to happen. Obviously this would make you think that she'll then be the one to initiate next time as opposed to the man but she doesn't and then she flips the blame on him? Lmao, couldn't make this stuff up.

    You also need to stop talking about these things through text directly after you were just together in person, that is like something school kids do. Call her out on pulling away when you went to kiss her and ask her why she expected you to make another move when you were under the impression that she wanted to wait and be the one in charge. Sounds like she wants to be the one in control but has no idea what she's doing and doesn't have the confidence to improvise.

    Sounds like a total attention seeker who may be stringing you along. Go out for some drinks alone, loosen up and make a move. If she shoots you down again then you know she's fuking you around and you should delete her number and go no contact for life.


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    #8
    the evasion_kid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,740 ✭✭✭the evasion_kid


    To be honest op from your first post she sounds like the type of girl who will use sex as as a maninupaltive tactic or as some kind of bargaining chip if that's the way shes going on over a Kiss ffs


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Okay I probably need to add a bit more colour to this.

    So I have been texting her since and brought up why she pulled away and she said that "I didn't want to put out that early" even though it was our second date, the fourth time we had met and we were in her bed.

    She has described me as a "closed book" as I am not very affectionate ie holding hands etc. It's mainly down it makes me feel uncomfortable due to lack of experience.

    She has told me she has had 3 BF's before and went out with one guy for 6 months. She then dropped a bombshell has never slept with a guy before but its something she wants to do.

    She has told me about other guys who currently texting her and asking her out but I saw this as a push on me to takes further between us as if I don't she has other options.

    Anyway we have decided to take a break for a few weeks before meeting up again.


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    #10
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    LackExperience wrote: »
    Okay I probably need to add a bit more colour to this.

    So I have been texting her since and brought up why she pulled away and she said that "I didn't want to put out that early" even though it was our second date, the fourth time we had met and we were in her bed.

    She has described me as a "closed book" as I am not very affectionate ie holding hands etc. It's mainly down it makes me feel uncomfortable due to lack of experience.

    She has told me she has had 3 BF's before and went out with one guy for 6 months. She then dropped a bombshell has never slept with a guy before but its something she wants to do.

    She has told me about other guys who currently texting her and asking her out but I saw this as a push on me to takes further between us as if I don't she has other options.

    Anyway we have decided to take a break for a few weeks before meeting up again.

    She told you about other guys asking her out and texting her?

    Wow. She's a complete melt.

    Seriously, run. She sounds like a nasty, manipulative, conniving cow.


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    #11
    Lalealea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 212 ✭✭Lalealea


    This is not healthy. She sounds like someone to avoid.


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    #12
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    She had you in her bed and "didn't want to put out"?
    Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i cannot reply to the last thread http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=92698826 can a mod merge these please.

    I didn't make contact with her since posting up the last reply.So the other week I found out that a guy (we are friend and he was telling me about it) who she had described as hot to me before had walked her home and tried to kiss her only for her to pull out of it.

    They were both at a party the other night and I got talking to her. I asked her what has she been up to over the last few week and she said something along the lines of that she couldn't really tell me (about seeing the above guy). Then went on to say I didn't contact her but I replied that she didn't contact me either, she said it's the guys job to make the effort and she cannot be making all the effort even though I arranged the last two dates.

    Anyway I seen them making out later on that night, while I was okay with after he told me about him trying to get with her seeing it was a different story. While I put on a brave face for the rest of the night I still felt pretty low (worst I have felt in a while). Mainly down to the fact that he was able to do something I couldn't do and I cannot see me getting with a girl any time soon.

    I was going to text her about it but I decided against that. I don't know what to do now as I would not like to see them together when I am around but as we are all in the same social circle I will and I also don't want to sit at home doing nothing.


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    #14
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Ah man, read back over what people have said in the thread. You haven't missed out on anything here or let anything pass you by or messed a good thing up or anything of the sort. You've managed to get out under the wire in the nick of time, dodging a bullet and diving out of the way of a big speeding train. Be grateful, look forward, you'll meet someone else and they'll be way less trouble and head wrecky than this one.


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    #15
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    strobe wrote: »
    Ah man, read back over what people have said in the thread. You haven't missed out on anything here or let anything pass you by or messed a good thing up or anything of the sort. You've managed to get out under the wire in the nick of time, dodging a bullet and diving out of the way of a big speeding train. Be grateful, look forward, you'll meet someone else and they'll be way less trouble and head wrecky than this one.

    Completely agree! The girl is playing games and attention seeking. Not all girls are like this! Find a good one and your perceived lack of experience won't matter at all.


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Mod Note: Merged with previous thread.

    Like I said above when I seen her making out with a guy I knew I felt pretty low but after a few days it passed.

    She had told me about an Dublin guy who she had been texting when we were dating and I unwittingly found out recently who it was. As it so happens its a guy I know as well and he was telling me he was going on a date with her soon and was asking me for advice.

    Anyway I was at a house party there at the weekend and I got talking to her. I noticed she was kinda flirting with me again. Then later in the night I seen her talking to a female friend of mine and them looking over at me. Then my female friend approached me saying she knew everything and was trying to get me to ask the other girl out again. But my female friend was okay with all the thing she had done and defending her saying she only kissed them other guys and telling me about the other guys texting her to make me jealous and to make me realise how much I like her. My friend said the backing away from my advance to kiss her was probably a culture thing (even though this girl is from a culture similar to the Irish one).

    I came back with I didn't like the way she kissed a guy in front of me and found it very manipulative when telling me about the other guys interested in her. But my friend wouldn't stop and she thought I was thinking I wasn't good enough for the girl who I was dating. My friend only stopped when she asked one my male friends about it and he backed my side of it.

    There is a few other things I haven't mentioned either like the way she asked me on our second date how much money I earn even though she is a student or how she told me how she cheated on old boyfriends but she now trying to be a nice girl.

    It's just annoying as I was getting over her and then these feeling come back with me thinking maybe I should give her a second chance.


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    #17
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    Do not give her a second chance. She is telling you about other guys on purpose to wreck your head. She is getting a kick out of tormenting you by kissing other guys in front of you. Stay away from her.


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hi Op, the last time i wrote here i was trying to give the girl the benefit of the doubt but now even I have to say that she sounds like a headwrecker. Kissing another guy i front of you to make you jealous or whatever is not ok. She seems to view the whole thing as a pointscoring game. I wouldnt entertain her any more.


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    #19
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    What is it that you're looking for here? Someone to give you a glimmer of hope and to tell you that yes you should give this woman another chance? Just about everyone here has repeatedly told you that she's bad news but you don't seem capable of taking this information on board.

    My advice to you is
    (a) Avoid her like the plague. Repel repel. She's a selfish, manipulating head wrecker who's getting a kick out of making an eejit out of you
    (b) Go talk to a professional and get help for your low self esteem


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    #20
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    LackExperience wrote: »
    ...she told me how she cheated on old boyfriends but she now trying to be a nice girl.

    That's not working out great for her, is it?

    Seriously OP, it's clear this girl has some problems. One of them is that she isn't treating you nicely AT ALL and that wouldn't change if you gave her a second chance and started going out again. Listen to your male friends, and in future I'd suggest that you take that other female friend's advice (the one who thought it was ok for the girl to snog someone to make you jealous) with a BIG pinch of salt. I speak as a woman who wouldn't dream of that being ok. Ever.


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    #21
    castaway_lady
    Registered Users Posts: 268 ✭✭castaway_lady


    OP do you need this much drama for the sake of a woman. There's a few normal ones going around you know. This one has issues galore. After 35 single years in life I used to think that inexperience was a massive barrier but you know what? Its not an issue at all with the right person. Nor is drama and this kinda crap. She's using keeping you in the loop to fuel low self-esteem most likely. She'll feel better about herself on some level if she's being chased.

    Delete her. Quit the drama. Chalk it up to experience! Don't let mutual acquaintances drag you into her drama either- just send back the message that you're not into drama queens.


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    #22
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,768 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I'm just curious what "cultural differences" make her pull back from a kiss with you, yet allows her to kiss another fella in front of you?

    Stay away.

    She's still playing with you. By all means if you want to join in her game, go ahead. But it won't end well for you.


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    #23
    DoYouEvenLift
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,188 ✭✭✭DoYouEvenLift


    Why even bother entertaining someone who openly admits to having cheated on previous relationships? And to drag your opinion of her through the mud even more she tries playing games with your head. Please don't have the mindset that they'll be different for you and that you can change them. This goes for everyone.


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