What to do?

simsha · 14-10-2014 11:37pm #1

I'm really confused I would like honest opinions.. so I'm in a relationship with my bf for 4 and a half years now, but for some time we went through a rough patch because of my doubts which usually turned into fights but we always sorted things out. We're living together for the past month and I found a few cards from a girl (the same girl we fought over millions of times) I also messaged this girl twice before, once asking if she has got anything to do with my bf her reply was no then earlier this year I wrote another message to her in which I sort of insulted her for denying things. Meanwhile he convinced me that there was nothing to worry about or maybe I didn't feel like fighting with him so I had calmed down a bit. He gave me hints before that he might be in love with another person.. although in a 'joking' way. Well yesterday everything became clear after I wrote to the girl about her cards and I also showed him the cards I found. He confessed he is with her and we talked about the matter and he shared everything with me. He says he loves both of us and that he is more attached to me but both of us do/did a lot for him and none of us are at fault so he has to leave both of us. Now I don't know what to do or say I feel completely useless. I feel like she ruined our relationship by keeping her relationship with him a secret for a long time and I even know that he let it happen, but find it hard to think negatively about him even though I know he brought her in and started feeling the same for her as he feels for me so it was his decision and he is leaving our 4 years relationship for his wrong decision, I just can't digest that. We did have a long distance relationship until last month and the other girl was closer to him. I understand that it is wrong whatever he did to both of us but I want to know is it possible to love two people at the same time and feel absolutely the same way for both?

retro:electro · 15-10-2014 12:31am

She didn't ruin your relationship, he did. He sounds like a scumbag, you're well rid.

CaliforniaDream · 15-10-2014 5:54am

Your anger is being directed at the wrong person. I'm not saying the other girl is completely innocent if she knew this guy had a girlfriend and still went out with him.
But it was him who cheated and broke your trust. It was his decision to lead you on and deny any involvement with this other girl.

I personally don't think it's possible to love two people at the same time because it goes against my belief of what love is.

From reading your post I think you're feeling hurt at him calling it quits rather than you. It sucks to be lied to and cheated on and then have the decision of whether to continue taken away. It's a horrible feeling and I hope you can move on as quick as possible.
Just know that you will feel these emotions for a while and it's ok. Just don't lose respect for yourself.

Love isn't easy but it shouldn't hurt.

jopax · 15-10-2014 7:46am

He is your boyfriend and he done the cheating, does it really matter who with.
She didn't betray you, I don't understand your logic.
He can't be trusted, if you want to be a doormat that's your choice, no point blaming her.

Penny Tration · 15-10-2014 7:55am

I think it may be possible to love two people, because there are lots of polyamorous relationships about.

However, what he did, nope, not love. If he truly loved both of you, he'd have discussed this, and given you the option of leaving.

I think you need to try direct your anger at him, not her.

Please get yourself sti testing, too.

Candy_Girl · 15-10-2014 12:37pm

He left your 4 year relationship long ago...dump him you deserve better. Stop blaming the other girl you were not in a relationship with her, she owes you nothing.

simsha · 16-10-2014 2:25am

Thanks for all the replies some really good ones and some not so good, it takes a lot of courage to write about personal issues like this so please respect it.

DoYouEvenLift · 16-10-2014 2:43am

Lol I don't understand people like your bf. They're in a relationship with someone they love, although maybe not in love, and apparently care for but are too cowardly to face the truth that the relationship is done and they want to be with other people but instead of letting the other person in the current relationship know this, they cheat in secret which is a lot worse and more hurtful once the truth comes out.

If you're in a relationship and are tempted to cheat then that relationship obviously isn't what you truly want so stop stringing along a person you, at least used to, love and let them go find someone who actually wants to be with them and then you can do likewise.

As brutal as it would be, I'd rather be texted at 3 am and told "The relationship is finished, I want to see other people" as my GF is about to hookup with someone else rather than her actually hookup with someone else and continue the relationship like nothing happened and causing me to believe a lie and be made into a fool.

Typer Monkey · 16-10-2014 7:47am

I've been in a somewhat similar situation before when I discovered that the person I'd been with for a couple of years had been carrying on a parallel relationship with someone else. Of course the natural reaction is anger and betrayal but it should be focussed at him. I think your heart wants to stay with him and your head is rationalising what he did by blaming her for it.

Focus on the following, it helped me to focus in the aftermath;

He repeatedly lied to you about where he was/what he was doing. Where did you think he was when he was with her? And while he was with you he was probably texting her whenever your back was turned or you were in the loo.

He slept with her and then came and got into your bed and slept with you. Probably happened on the same day or consecutive days..How absolutely disgusting is that??

He didnt value with he had with you enough to make it too risky to cheat on you. There is no way I would've cheated on him because I would've been terrified to loose him. More fool me.

All things you did that were special he was probably doing the same things with her

What does it say about his skills of deceit and manipulation that he was able to conduct two parallel relationships and keep it mostly hidden? Not the skills or traits you should want in a long term partner or potential father for your children.

You can do better. I went on to meet an amazing man who I'm marrying very soon who would never be so sneaky or duplicitous and I can relax knowing that he loves only me and I trust him completely. Hold out for that

simsha · 16-10-2014 8:30am

Oh and on top of all that he denied being with me to her as she was too "broken" by knowing that I had seen her cards for him so he didn't want to make it worse for her. But he didn't think I was broken or upset cause he confessed to me alright. Scumbag. Though he soon confessed to her aswell and said the same thing he said to me that he loves both of us. He's in a different country now so his phone doesn't work but he went offline on me saying he will go far away from both of us. What a *****! My body is shaking and I feel like throwing up not understanding anything. Writing this should help..

ellafitzi · 20-10-2014 8:30pm

Please please please just leave! You are worth so much more that what he has given you. Yes 4 years is a long time to walk away from but worth it to avoid a lifetime worth of regret. Believe me it would be, the trust is gone. Remember you got him out he was never going to admit this to you. So if he is that devious how can you believe what he says now. He is just offering you excuses and lies to save himself and to try not to hurt your feelings.

What to do?

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