Lack of money destroying relationship

LegacyUser · 05-10-2014 1:43pm #1

Hi all,

Bit of background info. I'm a girl in my mid 20's, working part time, minimum wage. I started dating a guy (also mid 20's) about 3 months ago. He's working full time in an excellent, very well paid job.

The problem is quite obvious. Whenever we go out together we always go halves on stuff. He suggested we go away for a romantic weekend and I was chuffed as I thought he would be paying for the hotel but yesterday he told me the price and said 'so it's X amount each'. I was a little taken aback as I felt it would be far more romantic if he paid for the hotel. I would still go halves on everything else of course. I'm seriously struggling to afford dating this guy. I told him I was concerned about money and all he responds with is 'sure you're working part time?'. I earn minimum wage working part time. I have a loan, a car etc all to fund. That's another issue, he has no car and he'll say stuff to me like 'are you driving out to me today?' (he lives about a 40 minute drive away), he seems to have no consideration for me or my finances.

I guess I'm trying to ask is this normal? Do most people go halves in relationships even when one earns far more than the other? I briefly mentioned my worries to him as it's something I am very embarrassed talking about, I feel ashamed almost, but it goes in one ear and out the other with him.

When I go back to his house I pay for my taxi home, approx €40. He never even offers to throw in a tenner, nothing. It's beginning to really irritate me as I really like this guy.We get on so well together but as time goes on I'm getting more and more bitter with him and I don't know if I'm right to feel this way or not.

cactusgal · 05-10-2014 3:48pm

Why are you only working part time? Are you in college?

shalalala · 05-10-2014 3:51pm

He seems quite stingy to me. If it is your choice to work full time I get it but if it is just how things have worked out he is a bit of a mean guy.

I don't think there is any way to deal with this other then being completely honest with him about your finances.

ElleEm · 05-10-2014 3:56pm

I think it's a bit much that you expect ypur boyfriend of three months to be paying for things because you think it would be more "romantic". Just because he earns more than you does not mean he should spend more on you.

You should be clear about your finances with him. If he suggests doing something that costs money, it is your responsibility to say "no, I don't have the cash".

professore · 05-10-2014 4:02pm

The thread title is wrong, it's not lack of money, it's lack of openness. Lay it out for him about your financial situation. He may not be fully aware of it. Often when you have money you think everyone else does too. There's no shame in admitting you're not flush.

iusedtoknow · 05-10-2014 4:02pm

ElleEm wrote: »

I think it's a bit much that you expect ypur boyfriend of three months to be paying for things because you think it would be more "romantic". Just because he earns more than you does not mean he should spend more on you.

You should be clear about your finances with him. If he suggests doing something that costs money, it is your responsibility to say "no, I don't have the cash".

This x100. Romance is not based on how much money he spends on you.

You need to be upfront with him - tell him you can't afford to do x and let it be done.

bee06 · 05-10-2014 4:03pm

I think that it's fair enough that you are going halves on things so early in ye relationship but you need to make it clear that there is some stuff you can't afford and he needs to respect that by not suggesting things you can't afford.

Emme · 05-10-2014 4:10pm

I'm all for going halves on everything but it sounds like you and your boyfriend are incompatible financially. Maybe he's being careful with money because he is saving for a house or paying off a loan himself. You are being careful because you are paying for a loan and a car and you only have part-time minimum wage work at the moment.

If you pay halves for everything AND you drive or get an expensive taxi home from his place after dates then you are contributing more financially to the relationship than he is. That's fine at the "just dating" stage but imagine if you were married to this man and had children. Would he still expect you to contribute 50% to everything regardless? Explain your financial situation to your boyfriend, be upfront and honest about it and how you feel about the money situation as it stands.

Does he ever travel the 40 minute journey to see you? If the answer is no then I would reconsider the relationship. It isn't a "romantic" weekend if you have to drive and pay 50% of the costs. I get the feeling you both live at home and the "romantic" weekend is his way of taking the relationship to another level. If you go ahead with it, pay 50% of the hotel and drive him then you will be contributing more to it financially unless he pays for half the petrol.

A relationship isn't about one person treating the other all the time (but each partner can treat the other from time to time), it's about working together around each other's financial situation.

Defender OF Faith · 05-10-2014 7:48pm

You told him "I was concerned about money and he responds with is 'sure you're working part time?'" you should of told him this as well "I earn minimum wage working part time. I have a loan, a car etc all to fund. " he probably thinks that while your working part time you taking a decent wage certainly at least I think that he doesnt know your being paid the minimum

Buona Fortuna · 05-10-2014 7:54pm

ElleEm wrote: »

I think it's a bit much that you expect ypur boyfriend of three months to be paying for things because you think it would be more "romantic". Just because he earns more than you does not mean he should spend more on you.

You should be clear about your finances with him. If he suggests doing something that costs money, it is your responsibility to say "no, I don't have the cash".

Not disagreeing with that at all Elle. I remember when I was going out with my wife (Its that long ago I think Adam and Eve were on a trial seperation) that if I suggested something out of the ordinary / expensive the assumption was that I would pay. Looking back I don't think it was ever said or spelt out.

Maybe this is just poor communication. A lot depends on the way its asked. If he said "Shall we go to ..." or if he said "Could you manage / stretch to Hotel X this month"

indigo twist · 05-10-2014 8:03pm

You're only dating three months! At that stage, I would certainly expect to still be going halves on dates (and yes, paying for my own taxis!) If you can't afford to go out or to visit him, just say, "No, sorry, I can't afford it - how about a quiet night in at my place instead?"

There are couples who are married for years who keep their finances separate. It's a bit much to ask him to cover you so early on in the relationship! So what if he earns more than you - that's his own business ... he'd be foolish to throw away his money on every girl he dated for just a few months. I mean, by the sounds of it, you're hoping it'll turn into a long term thing - but no one knows yet how it'll end up.

Stheno · 05-10-2014 10:39pm

OP though seems to have talked to their OH and knows the financial situation.

But hasn't talked about theirs.

There's a fairly large gap in what I and my OH earn and if I suggest something that would see them scrimping to afford it, I just pay for it.

CaraMay · 05-10-2014 10:48pm

Money isn't ruining this relationship, your unwillingness to communicate with him about money is.

LegacyUser · 05-10-2014 11:20pm

At this stage I would say to him I would like to go away with you for the weekend but I can't afford it at the moment. I would then say to him that you are just earning min wage for x number of hours a week along with y amount on the dole.
Are you working part time as you in college? Are you looking for a full time job elsewhere?

In regards to your boyfriend - do you always drive or take an expensive taxi to him?
Does he expect you to pay halves always? When you go to the pub would he buy you a drink?
Has he ever brought you some thing that you were not expecting?
Is it a case that you think he is mean or is it that he may not have realised that other people including you don't have the income he has.

Lalealynn · 06-10-2014 1:54am

lacking_money wrote: »

Hi all,

Bit of background info. I'm a girl in my mid 20's, working part time, minimum wage. I started dating a guy (also mid 20's) about 3 months ago. He's working full time in an excellent, very well paid job.

The problem is quite obvious. Whenever we go out together we always go halves on stuff. He suggested we go away for a romantic weekend and I was chuffed as I thought he would be paying for the hotel but yesterday he told me the price and said 'so it's X amount each'. I was a little taken aback as I felt it would be far more romantic if he paid for the hotel. I would still go halves on everything else of course. I'm seriously struggling to afford dating this guy. I told him I was concerned about money and all he responds with is 'sure you're working part time?'. I earn minimum wage working part time. I have a loan, a car etc all to fund. That's another issue, he has no car and he'll say stuff to me like 'are you driving out to me today?' (he lives about a 40 minute drive away), he seems to have no consideration for me or my finances.

I guess I'm trying to ask is this normal? Do most people go halves in relationships even when one earns far more than the other? I briefly mentioned my worries to him as it's something I am very embarrassed talking about, I feel ashamed almost, but it goes in one ear and out the other with him.

When I go back to his house I pay for my taxi home, approx €40. He never even offers to throw in a tenner, nothing. It's beginning to really irritate me as I really like this guy.We get on so well together but as time goes on I'm getting more and more bitter with him and I don't know if I'm right to feel this way or not.

I don't think he is stingy. I think he worked for what he has and it's his. I don't earn a lot of money at the moment. But I really think you are expecting a lot for him to give money for taxis etc. And 40 Euro for a taxi would be unthinkable for me to be honest.

Think of it from his point of view. He wants to feel loved too. He needs to feel appreciated. You say it's more romantic if he pays but how then does he get romanced?

In fairness to you I don't think he is being very understanding of your financial situation. It's kind of like a rich kid not realizing not everybody can afford playstations. It's a little obnoxious.

You have to prioritize your finances. I think you are feeding this relationship with your money when really you need to nurture yourself. There will be bills doctors bills and I mean things for yourself too you deserve stuff. If a relationship is draining and the other person is so oblivious to it that they don't get it something is wrong.

You can't expect or accept patronage from this guy. As regards the hotel what would happen if you guys had a fight while away? He could potentially kick you out of the room. Unlikely possibly but still.

I had a choice a couple of time whether to get my hair done or go out with a guy for a meal or drinks etc. I usually choose getting my hair done! (I like to look after myself!)

You are going to have to say to him. Look I can't afford this. It's embarrassing I know especially if your proud or stubborn. I would say suggesting things that are free or cost less. And ask him if he is ok with that and make sure he doesn't feel he is missing out.

You know compatibility in couples financially or backgrounds really plays a bigger part than people are willing to admit. You don't really see people with huge gaps in income together or I don't. Friendships yes but even then it can be tenuous. I was asked to go abroad for a wedding. And I made it clear I was delighted to be asked but could afford it. The point was made that it was in plenty of time to save. People may not get that it means you sacrifice other things. It can be much more financially draining to be with someone who has more money than someone who has less. It can be more stressful.

If you can't afford it you can't have it sometimes. And you have to be careful because if you simply say I can't afford this then he is perhaps going to think you are angling for him to chip in.

If you are starting to feel bitter about it then take yourself out of the relationship. He has done nothing to deserve that. But you can't let this relationship drain you it's not fair on yourself. That's the bottom line.

Either you work something out because you really like each other or you can't.

We all have to make life choices that nurture us. And just because he has more money does not mean that he does not need as much nurturing as you do. He has to feel special and romanced.

Also could it be possible you have different attitudes to money?

robindch · 06-10-2014 1:25pm

lacking_money wrote: »

I felt it would be far more romantic if he paid for the hotel.

Gosh, you certainly have a different definition of "romantic" than I do.

I suggest you sit down with your OH and talk about money, rights, responsibilities and that kind of thing. This is nothing that a straightforward conversation shouldn't be able to sort out quite easily.

amdublin · 06-10-2014 1:32pm

It's a difficult one.

In one sense there is absolutely nothing wrong with splitting everything halfway - and you deciding and communicating what you can or can't do on this basis.

However, and I'm being honest here, there is something about what you've said that indicates to me that this fella is going to be like this forever.
Some people would say he is stingy/selfish. Others would say sensible. This indicates people's different attitudes to money.

It sounds like you two have different attitudes to money. Is this something you can work through and decide on a compromise for the sake of the relationship.

This could be a deciding point for you of whether to keep going out or break up.

Barely There · 06-10-2014 2:01pm

He sounds quite scabby to me tbh.
If he's got a well-paying job and you don't it would have been a nice gesture for him to cover the cost of the hotel, especially if he's the one who's suggested going away.

It sounds like you paying far more into the relationship than he is and considering you're only working part-time, this doesn't seem right.

Lalealynn wrote: »

Think of it from his point of view. He wants to feel loved too. He needs to feel appreciated. You say it's more romantic if he pays but how then does he get romanced?

They'll be away for the night in a hotel - I'm sure they'll think of something.

In terms of what you can do, I'd suggest you start looking a cheaper ways to spend time together - €40 for a taxi is madness. Be up front and tell him you can't afford to be doing this.

tinz18 · 06-10-2014 2:12pm

I'm all for going halfsies even though my boyfriend makes three times what I do- romantic gestures like paying for a meal are completely lost on me as I find it hard to let go of my "I am an independent woman who can fend for myself" mentality. However its sounds that perhaps a lot of hidden costs are one way like petrol and the taxis. Does he make the same trip to you or is it always you making the €40 trip?

LegacyUser · 08-10-2014 2:17pm

OP here.

We had a few drinks in town again the other evening. I was going to get the last dart home until he suggested going back to his. I told him I couldn't go back to his because the taxi fare home is too expensive. His exact words 'if you come back I'll pay for your taxi home'. So I went back and stayed a few hours, he ordered a taxi and when it arrived he gave me a hug and said goodbye, he didn't give me a cent. I'm a shy girl and I get uncomfortable with confrontation so I didn't mention the money and I got the taxi home (had to stop at an atm on the way home).

The next morning I texted him and said 'I thought you were going to help me pay for the taxi home last night?' and he responded by saying 'God I don't remember that at all. How are you?'. I just replied saying it doesn't matter and that I felt fine etc. He never brought it up again.

Now today I suggested we go to the cinema. I suggested we book it in advance and he wrote back saying 'sounds good. You book it there because I'm busy'.

I don't even think he'll offer to give me the money if I book it. He really is the stingiest guy I've ever dated which is a shame because apart from his stinginess he's quite nice. What should I do? He gets quite aggressive and defensive if I say something he doesn't like.

CaraMay · 08-10-2014 9:21pm

Tell him to sod off. He is as tight and tbh I doubt he forgot to give it to you. It sounds like mind games to me. Dump him.

shalalala · 08-10-2014 9:26pm

Get rid!

Emme · 08-10-2014 9:35pm

OP I hope you didn't book the cinema tickets afterwards. Tell him the tickets are sold out even if they're not. Then tell him you will be busy and won't be able to see him so often, if at all.

Some guys are careful with money and rightly so but it sounds like your boyfriend is mean financially AND mean spirited. We are all feeling the pinch and are minding our money but that doesn't mean we can't show our appreciation for other people from time to time. Your boyfriend showed no consideration for your financial situation or your feelings. He took advantage of the fact that you are quiet and non-confrontational and let you pay for a taxi home knowing you can't afford it. The least he could have done was given you enough to cover half the fare.

Give this guy the boot and find someone who won't be so hard on your pocket and is willing to go halves properly.

Addle · 08-10-2014 9:36pm

op_here wrote: »

The next morning I texted him and said 'I thought you were going to help me pay for the taxi home last night?' and he responded by saying 'God I don't remember that at all. How are you?'. I just replied saying it doesn't matter and that I felt fine etc. He never brought it up again.

But it does matter to you...
You missed the perfect opportunity to let him know your feelings.
It'll fester and drive you mad without him realising.
You have no one to blame but yourself at this stage.

CaraMay · 08-10-2014 9:38pm

Am I right in thinking he asked you back for some 'personal' time on the basis he pays for your taxi and then doesn't?

MagicMarker · 08-10-2014 10:08pm

Stick a penny up his arse and he'll pinch out a diamond.

Get rid OP, the signs are not good.

dearg lady · 08-10-2014 10:25pm

I'm a bit baffled as to why you have to get a taxi home if you stay in his place? He does sound a bit stingy, but you sound a bit careless with money

Lalealynn · 08-10-2014 10:39pm

The only guys who say they will fork out for 'time' are sleaze bags ew. That's gross.

Sorry is he saying he wants YOU to pay for the two tickets like? Now and again that's ok but if it's a pattern and he KNOWS you don't make much that's a little stingy.

Nah he is a user. Chuck.

After the whole I want you to spend time and I'll give you taxi money spiel I would be feeling gross.

Also he is being dishonest about this which is an awful sign.

LegacyUser · 08-10-2014 10:39pm

op_here wrote: »

He really is the stingiest guy I've ever dated which is a shame because apart from his stinginess he's quite nice. What should I do? He gets quite aggressive and defensive if I say something he doesn't like.

Honestly nothing you've posted sounds like he is stingy, he sounds unaware. You either need to be more assertive and ask for the money straight up or walk away as he's not going to change without you saying something. Like with the taxi you should have asked him for the money before leaving the house as it was agreed he was going to pay. If you had booked cinema tickets you ask for the money when you meet, not after the film or later, before the film.

If you do talk to him and make him aware of the difference in your incomes and he still doesn't make an effort or starts making comments about it then yeah then he is stingy but right now he just sounds clueless.

osarusan · 09-10-2014 3:19am

Overall, it seems like you pay a bit more than he does, which wouldn't be so bad if you were both earning decent money, but it sounds like he knows you don't have much to spend and is happy to let things keep going the way they are. It isn't a great situation for you to be in.

I'd be telling him that sorry, I'd love to go to the cinema/go for a meal/go away for the weekend but I just can't afford it right now, and maybe suggest a cheaper alternative. Explain that you don't have problem paying for yourself (and you shouldn't really have a problem with this) but it limits what you can do together. If the guy cares about you, he should be understanding of your money constraints.

Find out if he wants to spend time with you, or only spend time with you when it's on his terms.

Lalealynn · 09-10-2014 3:24am

dearg lady wrote: »

I'm a bit baffled as to why you have to get a taxi home if you stay in his place? He does sound a bit stingy, but you sound a bit careless with money

I was wondering this too since she said they were going away together I assumed they were sleeping together. I also wondered why she couldn't get a bus? He could have dropped her to the stop ?

CaraMay · 09-10-2014 3:35am

Lalealynn wrote: »

I was wondering this too since she said they were going away together I assumed they were sleeping together. I also wondered why she couldn't get a bus? He could have dropped her to the stop ?

Not everyone lives in Dublin or a city.

Esel · 09-10-2014 3:48am

op_here wrote: »

..apart from his stinginess he's quite nice... He gets quite aggressive and defensive if I say something he doesn't like.

Kerb. Kick. Quick.

Wompa1 · 09-10-2014 6:26am

Have had girlfriends like this. It's not fun

Neyite · 09-10-2014 9:08am

op_here wrote: »

I don't even think he'll offer to give me the money if I book it. He really is the stingiest guy I've ever dated which is a shame because apart from his stinginess he's quite nice. What should I do? He gets quite aggressive and defensive if I say something he doesn't like.

Being quite aggressive and defensive in the honeymoon stage would be a massive red flag to me, as would being manipulated financially. He doesnt sound worth the hassle to me.

Grandpa Hassan · 09-10-2014 9:40am

I am in a similar situation. I earn a very good salary, and my GF is in min wage / occasional internships. I happily pay for things that I want to do with her....whether they are holidays or nights out. She pays what she can and occasionally treats me to a dinner or something.

To be honest if your BF does not already recognise that there is a financial imbalance here, then I would suggest that his stinginess is so ingrained that there is zero chance of him changing. It should be obvious to him.....I don't know how someone can be so blind to it that it necessitates you forcing a conversation about it.

And I would suggest that a relationship in which this is a constant issue is not likely to last the distance.

mapaca · 09-10-2014 9:44am

Neyite wrote: »

Being quite aggressive and defensive in the honeymoon stage would be a massive red flag to me, as would being manipulated financially. He doesnt sound worth the hassle to me.

This stood out to me as well. The financial issue is one thing, maybe you could talk it through and sort it out, but him getting aggressive when he doesn't like the topic of discussion is not good. Sounds like immaturity to be honest.

Big Bag of Chips · 09-10-2014 9:55am

So what happens when there's something you don't like or are upset about? Apart from the money issue. Do you keep quiet so as not to upset him? Why are his feelings worthy of more consideration than yours? Unless you can have an adult discussion with him then you are going to spend a long time tip toeing around being "ok" with everything.

keane2097 · 09-10-2014 10:40am

His response when you text him asking what happened to him helping you out with the taxi tells you all you need to know. Not only tight, but callous and a liar. D-d-d-d-dump him!

tinz18 · 09-10-2014 10:47am

Hi OP,
There's clueless and there's stingy- no one is that clueless. Yes sometimes people forget their partners aren't as well off as them but things like that last taxi would put him in the latter category- maybe there's a reason he's so well off?

Barely There · 09-10-2014 12:31pm

There are very few traits as unattractive in a partner as meanness, and he sounds mean to the bone.

If it was me, I'd meet up with him and tell him he's dumped, then I'd call him on my way back home and make sure he know he was dumped and when I got home I'd send him a text message dumping him again.

The Triple Dump - It's the only way to be sure.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2014 1:37pm

op_here wrote: »

He gets quite aggressive and defensive if I say something he doesn't like.

RUN FOR THE HILLS

THEY ARE THATTA WAY -> -> -> -> ->

CaraMay · 09-10-2014 2:34pm

The other thing op is they this is a new relationship and you are also to blame here as you are teaching him that it's ok to treat you like this. You are allowing him away with it and seem to be at his will. If you do want to stay with him (and I can't imagine why you would) then you need to lay down firm lines with your actions. Next time he asks you to come over late say no. If he asks why say to him that he said he would pay for the taxi the last night and he didn't and now you can't afford it.

Tbh though it all seems like a lot of work to stay in a relationship with this tight wad so, if it were me, I would walk rather than try to 'retrain' him. He isn't going to change by himself because, as I said, you have shown him that you we'd willing to take his shoddy treatment so why would he? He gets all the benefits when suits.

ash23 · 09-10-2014 3:01pm

I don't think he should be paying for the hotel for you. Everything should be split. However, that includes the travel. If he asks you to drive out to his, just say you don't have enough petrol and he should come stay in yours.

Similarly, why, when ye go out do you go to his and then need a taxi home. Go out closer to where you live now and then let him get the taxi home now and then.

Just even it out a bit and you won't feel so resentful. But if he insists on you going over there and him making no effort then it probably will become something that ends the relationship

dearg lady · 09-10-2014 10:39pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Not everyone lives in Dublin or a city.

OP specifically mentions dart, so I can't see why public transport is an issue. Perhaps OP can enlighten us

MagicMarker · 09-10-2014 10:43pm

dearg lady wrote: »

OP specifically mentions dart, so I can't see why public transport is an issue. Perhaps OP can enlighten us

She mentioned getting the last dart home. Public transport does not run 24 hours a day.

jlm29 · 10-10-2014 12:05am

She says she spent "a few hours" there. She obviously didn't stay over, and needed to get a taxi home in the wee hours.
OP- I think if you stay in this relationship, you're making a stick to beat yourself with! He sounds awful tight. Maybe he has a valid reason for not spending his money, but he shouldn't be conning you out of yours either.

keane2097 · 10-10-2014 11:48am

dearg lady wrote: »

OP specifically mentions dart, so I can't see why public transport is an issue. Perhaps OP can enlighten us

What routes do the DART run on that would equate to a €40 taxi?

HelgaWard · 10-10-2014 11:52am

Maybe Greystones?! Not relevant to assisting OP.

Addle · 10-10-2014 12:05pm

I'd be more put out at not staying over rather than having to pay for a taxi.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2014 1:08pm

I find it bizarre that people are more caught up with 'why' I have to get a taxi than the actual issue itself here but allow me to clarify anyway.

The last bus/dart is at 11.30pm on weekdays. I work a few minutes from my house and I have a 9am start.

When I miss the last bus/dart home, I have to get a taxi home in order to be in work in time. I can't stay over in his, because he shares a room with his brother. The times I have stayed over, his brother has been away.

Anyway, we arranged to meet up near my house this time. When I texted him suggesting a nice restaurant in my area, he replied 'I wouldn't really fancy that tbh. Let me look up a few other restaurants and I'll text you in a bit'. He replied a few minutes later suggesting a restaurant beside his house! I replied saying 'That sounds like a lovely restaurant but can I just ask, are you a little stingy? I only ask because you don't seem to want to come out my direction? I feel as though I am making all the effort here, am i?'

He never replied and this was 24 hours ago. He usually replies within minutes.

Triple dump time.

Lack of money destroying relationship

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