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longing for a baby

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  • 19-10-2014 9:57am
    #1
    Sammy2012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,232 ✭✭✭


    Hi there..

    Im just looking for some advice. Myself and my dh have a beautiful 14mth old baby. However he has since decided he does not want anymore children. We had initially decided we both wanted 2. Since he's told me this i find myself in physical pain at the thought of not having another one. I dont want my child to be an only child but i dont want to have an "accident" either.

    Our relationship hasnt all been a bed or roses either since we had our first baby but things are back on track again now.

    Is there anything i can do to change his mind or do i just have to accept his decision and try get over it and move on?? Any advice would be great....


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    #2
    Katgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 2,142 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    That's a huge decision for him to make on his own and I would not be at all impressed. I'm assuming you planned more than one? In some ways it's as big deciding to not have any because you have a daughter now who is going to be an only child.

    I don't know if you can talk him around, you really need to find out what his objections are. Does he still see his future with you? If so, shouldn't you be making life changing decisions together?


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    #3
    Sammy2012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,232 ✭✭✭Sammy2012


    Katgurl wrote: »
    That's a huge decision for him to make on his own and I would not be at all impressed. I'm assuming you planned more than one? In some ways it's as big deciding to not have any because you have a daughter now who is going to be an only child.

    I don't know if you can talk him around, you really need to find out what his objections are. Does he still see his future with you? If so, shouldn't you be making life changing decisions together?

    Yea we had always said we'd have two and id like them to be relatively close in age also. Thats why its on my mind at the moment i guess. Id like to start tryin for another one soon enough.

    God i hope he still sees his future with me. Hadn't really thought of it that way...


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    #4
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Katgurl wrote: »
    That's a huge decision for him to make on his own and I would not be at all impressed. I'm assuming you planned more than one? In some ways it's as big deciding to not have any because you have a daughter now who is going to be an only child.

    I don't know if you can talk him around, you really need to find out what his objections are. Does he still see his future with you? If so, shouldn't you be making life changing decisions together?

    Well yes and no. Yes they should be making decisions together as a couple and discussing them as a team, but on the other hand if he genuinely doesn't want another child its not like he can change his feelings on the matter so I suppose rather than "making the decision together" with someone he knows does want more children he has told her how he feels and that he's not prepared to have another one. Not saying he's gone the right way about it or anything but he is in a sticky situation and is being upfront about his feelings.

    Did ye decide on two kids before having your first? The idea of children and "having a baby" is a whole lot different to having this person you're responsible for and everything that comes with it. Maybe the reality of what it means to have a child has set in and the thought of having a second on top of that just doesn't appeal to him anymore now that he's going in with his eyes open this time so to speak.


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    #5
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Its one thing to have an idea of how many children you want before you have them, quite another when you actually have a real life child to care for. Its a huge shock to the system and it may be that now he's experienced parenthood he no longer wants to have two children so close in age together. He wouldn't be the first to feel that way.

    I think you should give him time, 14 months is still a baby and babies are hard work, he might not want to add a second to the mix right now but maybe in time when your daughter is that bit older and things are easier he might reconsider.

    I do think you need to talk to him and ask him what is behind this, is it the loss of freedom, the finances of having a child, loss of coupletime is he finding fatherhood difficult etc. Just focus on his concerns for the moment and see if you can find some way of reassuring him. Men aren't great at discussing this stuff so you might need to tease it out of him but you deserve to know as his choices have an impact on you as well.


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    #6
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Sammy2012 wrote: »
    Hi there..

    Im just looking for some advice. Myself and my dh have a beautiful 14mth old baby. However he has since decided he does not want anymore children. We had initially decided we both wanted 2. Since he's told me this i find myself in physical pain at the thought of not having another one. I dont want my child to be an only child but i dont want to have an "accident" either.

    Our relationship hasnt all been a bed or roses either since we had our first baby but things are back on track again now.

    Is there anything i can do to change his mind or do i just have to accept his decision and try get over it and move on?? Any advice would be great....

    The bit in bold stood out to me. It could be that he thinks having another baby would put too much strain on your relationship. But the only way to know is to talk to him about it.


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    #7
    Sammy2012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,232 ✭✭✭Sammy2012


    Thanks for all the comments.. yup totally agree that could be the reason begind his change of heart. We found the few months after she was born extremely tough and can understand why he feels like this if this is the reason. But i just dont want our daughter to kiss out on having siblings....and i hope he can see it from that side too..


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    #8
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,768 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It sounds like you don't really know why he has changed his mind. Have you spoken to him? Have you listened to his concerns? So far you are just looking at it from your point of view, or for your daughter that you don't want her to be an only child. There are no guarantees in life. Nature might go against you and you might not have another, anyway. You might have 1 more and personalities could completely clash and your daughter might grow up wishing she WAS an only child!!!

    Life rarely goes along the nice little path we have laid out for ourselves. And we need to change course quite a few times. Maybe I'm picking you up wrong but you seem to be just interested now in how to get him to change his mind. Not really in finding out why he has changed his mind from wanting 2.

    Talk to him. It's your best bet at figuring this out.


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    #9
    MelanieC
    Registered Users Posts: 2,883 ✭✭✭MelanieC


    Your daughter is still a baby so it's natural he wouldn't want to add another one to the mix so soon. Give it time. Once your daughter hits the toddler/young child stage & becomes more independent,that's when people start to reminisce and think it might be nice to have a sweet little bundle to cuddle again!


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    #10
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    Personally I think your putting too much emphasis on your daughter having a sibling right now. You have already said that you two were having some problems and that you both found having a new born quite difficult.
    You say the problems between you both have been rectified, so have you considered that maybe he wants to enjoy this time with you and the baby, without the issues that you both previously had?

    You need to talk to him and find out his reasons why he's feeling like this and discuss it..


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    #11
    Sammy2012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,232 ✭✭✭Sammy2012


    Okay so we had a chat this evening.. he said his reasons are purely selfish ones in that he likes being able to head out whenever and would feel bad if he was leaving me with 2 kids. Also doesn't want all his money gone on a 2nd child. He said right now he doesn't want another baby but who nos in the future what will happen..

    Im glad i asked him and im happy enough with the answers for the moment...will revisit maybe in a few months.


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    #12
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Sammy2012 wrote: »
    he said his reasons are purely selfish ones in that he likes being able to head out whenever and would feel bad if he was leaving me with 2 kids.

    Oh how kind of him.


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    #13
    Sammy2012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,232 ✭✭✭Sammy2012


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    Oh how kind of him.

    Well thats how he is....


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    #14
    woodchuck
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    So he wants to head out whenever he likes without leaving you at home to mind two kids. Should we take it that he currently goes out whenever he likes and leaves you alone with one baby? :/

    If so I think the two of you have bigger issues to work on before you should even consider having a second child with him.


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    #15
    Sammy2012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,232 ✭✭✭Sammy2012


    No he does not....would have the odd weekend/night away but that would be it. This year has more than usual due to the fact we have had a few stags/hens weddings etc. He moved to where i am from so i do not begrudge him the odd nite away with his friends.

    He means that it wouldnt be as easy to get away if there was 2 kids and i see his point. But babies grow up and are easier to manage. That was my point.


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    #16
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    Oh how kind of him.

    In fairness his points are valid and he's being honest about things. Plenty people would make up excuses or avoid the topic, he's being mature in admitting that his reasons are somewhat selfish- not as selfish as having a child you know you aren't ready for just for an easy life with the missus and then leaving her with two kids to mind cause your hearts not in it.

    Also op i know you say kids get easier etc as they grow up but the responsibility is still there. It may be easier to work around sitters and whatnot but at the end of the day he still can't have the freedom that is available to him (albeit limited) with just one. And perhaps having the one child has given him an insight into just how difficult it'd be with a second.
    Also, if ye have a second child he isn't going to enjoy the stages of the first one where it does get that bit easier and more freeing because you'll be playing catch up with the second one, regardless of how little a gap you leave between them, a few weeks can feel like a lifetime with some awkward phases of parenting and getting over it with one child to then have to do it all over again with another isn't really helped by the fact that eventually "they grow up".

    Imo he's being sensible in telling you and being honest and not giving in to having a child he knows he is not ready for because like he said, you'd be the one left holding the baby. Not exactly fair but you have to appreciate his honesty and the fact he is being realistic about the situation. Its all well and good being told all you want to hear leading up to and during a pregnancy only to be left as the sole carer because he really isn't that bothered or prepared to do the work, believe me.


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    #17
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,987 ✭✭✭skallywag


    I would agree with those saying to give him some more time, it's still very early days after all, and he may well feel different once the child is 3 or 4, etc.

    I would not get too stressed out about the 'only child' thing though. The vast majority of only children I have known myself have turned out to be very happy.


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    #18
    indigo twist
    Closed Accounts Posts: 500 ✭✭✭indigo twist


    A lot depends on your ages ... if you're in your twenties, then it's maybe best to leave it on the back-burner for a while; whereas if you're in your late thirties, it would be more urgent to address the issue and make him realise that there's a relatively short window available if he were to decide that he wanted more children. (And bear in mind that, even if you became pregnant quickly and easily first time around, there's no guarantee that it would happen that way again.)

    I wouldn't agree with his argument about it being difficult to get away when you have two children. It's difficult to get away when you have one child (which you do already); a second child would only be slightly more hassle to organise nights/weekends away, it's not like it would end up making things twice as difficult. Nor would it mean twice the expense - you probably have most of the essentials there already, subsequent children are not going to cost as much as the first. Plus, hopefully with the benefit of hindsight, the first few months aren't going to be as difficult or stressful as they were with your first child.

    Has he really thought about the reality of your daughter growing up as an only child? Does she have many cousins etc close to her in age and in the vicinity? Does your husband have siblings himself - and if so, ask him to imagine how different his childhood would have been without siblings? By the way, I'm certainly not saying there's anything wrong with being an only child, and plenty of families do make the decision to stop after just one - and nothing wrong with it. But ideally it should be a decision you make together.

    If I were in your position, I have to admit I don't think I could just let it go. To me it seems like he's fobbing you off a bit with the "who knows what will happen in the future" ... if he wants a bigger gap than you'd originally planned between your children, fine, but what if a few years pass and then he announces that he doesn't want any more kids ever.

    He's the one moving the goalposts here ... it's up to him to give you some proper comprehensive explanations for changing his mind. If you'd known at the start of the relationship that he was only going to want to have one child with you and no more, would you have continued in the relationship? The whole issue of children is a dealbreaker for many couples, and one that should ideally be agreed upon quite early on. In my opinion, he's put you in a bit of a crap position ... you have a daughter together now, so it would be a lot more difficult to walk away even if you wanted to. I know he's entitled to change his mind, but it's really tough on you ... you only have one life. I'm 29 now, with one baby, and if I were to be told now that this was it - that I'd never have any more children in my life - I'd be devastated, to be honest. I mean, if it happened as a result of infertility, we'd deal with it and live with it. But if my partner just changed his mind and decided he didn't want any more children with me, ever ... I think I'd find it very hard to accept.


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    #19
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    The close in age thing is a red herring too. I'm not close to the siblings closest in age to me - there was epic fights as kids and now we have a friendly but not best buddies relationship. The siblings I am closest to are the ones who I have a significant age gap with.

    I see it with other familes too - my partner is besties with his youngest brother, the older siblings rub him up the wrong way from time to time. Nephews and nieces the same. It really is down to personalities.

    You have time yet.


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    #20
    jackofalltrades
    Registered Users Posts: 3,235 ✭✭✭jackofalltrades


    indigo twist wrote: »
    Has he really thought about the reality of your daughter growing up as an only child?
    As others have said I really don't get what the issue is around having just one child.
    But ideally it should be a decision you make together.
    But really it's an individual decision, where it takes both parties to say Yes for it to go ahead.
    The whole issue of children is a dealbreaker for many couples, and one that should ideally be agreed upon quite early on.
    I'd agree with you on making the decision early in a relationship.
    You can make all the plans that you want, but until you actually have a child you're not really going to know how it is going to affect you and your potential plans.


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    #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You made plans to have 2 children before you had a baby. You told us that when you had the baby your relationship had some problems but things are now good again.
    I would consider how your relationship would cope if you had another baby with health problems or special needs if thing were not good between you after you had a baby.
    Your baby is now 14 months and you want to have another child now as this was your plan. Along with this you told us that you don't want your child to be an only child.

    Your partner told you that he only wants to have one child due to money and that he will still have some freedom. I think he is being very honest with you. As your child gets older you will have more costs due to clothes, shoes, education ect.
    Also with one child it is easier for you to have time as a couple as they get older.

    At this stage I would accept the fact that your partner does not want another child and be thankful for the baby you have. Don't have a accident thinking he would be happy once he knew you were pregnant. I would not pressure him into having another baby with you either. I know men who were pressured into having another baby and long term it put a lot of strain on there relationships.

    A child deserves to have parents that both want them.


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    #22
    happypants
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭happypants


    I always said I wanted two but now with a four month old that hasn't slept in 8 weeks im thinking there's enough people in the world! Currently I have no idea why people would choose to do this more than once...

    I know over time my attitude will change but probably not until our baby is at least 3! Give it time, having a baby (as you well know) is a massive shock to the system and a relationship.


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    #23
    northknife
    Registered Users Posts: 464 ✭✭northknife


    Hi OP

    We were in the same boat as ye when we decided to have children. We were gonna have minimum 2 max 3 as long as there were no twins third time then it would have been 4. The reason for this was if there were 2 of the same sex we would stop, but if it was mixed we would try for one more so that one of them would have someone to share everything if you know what I mean.

    A few months after the first was born and a lot of sleepless nights due to colic and pulling out our hair out as it seemed that there was nothing we could do, we decided that we would go ahead with the second child. We had a few fertility issues so had to plan our days and nights of intimacy ;)

    It was the best thing we ever did. We now have two beautiful children, one girl, one boy just 18 months apart. They share most things and also kill each other on other occassions. Our nights out are limited but our nights in are fun and trying to think what did we ever do before they came along.

    Have a talk with the other half and see if you can persuade them to try again. Just for the basic things like bottles, cots, buggies, etc, it would make more sense to have the two close together.

    Hope what ever ye decide that it works out for both of ye. Just to finish up, we then both decided that the two was enough and just be grateful that we had them both.


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    #24
    SameDiff
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 145 ✭✭SameDiff


    This fella is having a laugh! Still going away on the piss for weekends, even with a young baby back in the house!

    How long does he think he's gonna be at this crack? When the child is 5? 10? 15?

    He's making a fool out of you and I'm telling you that as a father of two. Don't have kids if you want to be on the piss "with the lads". He's a grown man with responsibility now not a teenager.


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    #25
    Sammy2012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,232 ✭✭✭Sammy2012


    SameDiff wrote: »
    This fella is having a laugh! Still going away on the piss for weekends, even with a young baby back in the house!

    How long does he think he's gonna be at this crack? When the child is 5? 10? 15?

    He's making a fool out of you and I'm telling you that as a father of two. Don't have kids if you want to be on the piss "with the lads". He's a grown man with responsibility now not a teenager.

    Wow thats very harsh. I still head out with my friends and am worse for wear the following day. He then looks after baba so why would it he any different for him. I believe that u can have a life outside of ur children. And he can do it as long as he likes. It doesnt interfere with our family life as it only happens every few months. I believe its important for a man to have his friends but this id way off my original topic so thats for ur input samediff but ill just ignore it.


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    #26
    Sammy2012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,232 ✭✭✭Sammy2012


    Thanks for all the recent replies. Im feeling much better about things now. I wouldnt like a new baby til early 2016 so still a small amount of time before we have to make any decisions. Think my little one would be getting quiet independent by then.


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    #27
    SameDiff
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 145 ✭✭SameDiff


    Sammy2012 wrote: »
    Wow thats very harsh. I still head out with my friends and am worse for wear the following day. He then looks after baba so why would it he any different for him. I believe that u can have a life outside of ur children. And he can do it as long as he likes.

    Yes, getting pissed up is quite the life of a new parent.
    so thats for ur input samediff but ill just ignore it.

    Sorry I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear.


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    #28
    SameDiff
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 145 ✭✭SameDiff


    Sammy2012 wrote: »
    Wow thats very harsh. I still head out with my friends and am worse for wear the following day. He then looks after baba so why would it he any different for him. I believe that u can have a life outside of ur children. And he can do it as long as he likes.

    Yes, getting pissed up is quite the life of a new parent.
    so thats for ur input samediff but ill just ignore it.

    Sorry I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear.
    I wouldnt like a new baby til early 2016 so still a small amount of time before we have to make any decisions. Think my little one would be getting quiet independent by then.

    Yes, they will be aware of your hangovers and wondering when daddy's coming back.


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    #29
    Sammy2012
    Registered Users Posts: 1,232 ✭✭✭Sammy2012


    SameDiff wrote: »
    Yes, getting pissed up is quite the life of a new parent.



    Sorry I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear.



    Yes, they will be aware of your hangovers and wondering when daddy's coming back.

    It had nothing to do with u not telling me what i want to hear.. you parent the way u think is best and thats ur business. If I or my hubby want to head out 6 or 7 nights a year and enjoy ourselves thats our business. And that has nothing to do with my original issue.


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    #30
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    SameDiff - considering that you are new to the Personal Issues forum, I'd ask you to read the forum charter before posting here again. Constructive and mature posts towards the OP's issue are welcome, however responses in the tone that your recent posts have taken are decidedly not.

    Regards,
    Mike


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