Absent Fathers

Heard a shocking statistic today, that in the UK, over a quarter of kids have no contact with their father.

Don't think the statistics are that high in Ireland, but there's definitely a growing number of dads who don't seem to give a crap about their offspring.

I think most people can agree that it can't be very good for kids growing up without a dad. So why do so many guys run away from their responsibilities?

Should something be done? What could be done? How come it's happening so much nowadays, when it didn't before?

OK, to get back to the OP and try and focus on the many reasons that men may walk away rather than personal ones, I'd say:

1. Many too young - they just are too immature (this is usually the stereotypical teenage Dads but covers others I'm sure we are all aware of too!).

There was a scheme ran by Barnardos reuniting "deadbeat" Dads and their children. The main reason they weren't around was just ignorance and lack of education about what was involved and the responsibilities. I'd say some just used that as an excuse but I'd say many were just very young and ran a mile. Not good but understandable. Education and support groups would come in handy here as the positive responses from the scheme were very encouraging.

2. Many just don't give a f*ck. These would be the deadbeat Dads and I'm not sure if there is anything society can do in this regard, they just don't give a bollicks. I've known one or 2 of these types and they just aren't nice people, father or no father, the child is irrelevant, doesn't matter to them and they'll be the types who'll just think of themselves, the constant wriggling out of paying maintenance is a manifestation of the character type. I wouldn't be surprised if they share some psychological traits with Socio-paths. Not sure if there are any remedies here, barring courts.

3. Fear of the Mothers reaction and court battles.
I think this is quite common, I often see it when fathers post about not seeing their children and when asked what did they do to see their children, the answer often is very little. It's usually due to a obstructive mother or hearing that "fathers never win" in the courts. I'd have sympathy here but usually I think they just haven't tried hard enough and gave up the ghost too easily. Been through the courts and a difficult mother and yes, courts aren't that much help, but if you can get your access and maintenance sorted usually, with time and as the child grows older and gets a mind of his/her own, things do change positively.

I've been there and the thought of "just feck it" did cross my mind through the initial tough times, denial of access over petty things or absolutely nothing or the mother thought she was always right and "her way or no way", but the denial of access several times was worth it in the end. He's 12 now and makes his own mind up on things.

4. Depression. This can very easily engulf men who are finding it tough to see their children. Linked to 3 above, many just don't have the fight and having depression means most rational thought, like on this thread, just goes out the window. When I was denied access it did affect me and I can understand why many men just give up. This category is different to 3 above but many, including the mother may paint them as spineless etc. like in No. 3, but the truth is totally different.

I was lucky enough in getting access sorted within a couple of months but if it goes on for months and months......

5. Controlling, vindictive etc. mothers.

They do exist. Some Dads may just give up on the endless battles, both with the ex and courts. The courts will usually side with the mother unless the behaviour is completely obvious or involves drugs, alcohol, easily proved abuse.

To try and get an idea of what a Dad faces here, think of the character traits that the feckless Dads have and imagine a mother having them, often socio path traits again. The difference in a Dads case is, the court presumes the mother, regardless of character is the custodian of the child in the vast majority of cases, she's presumed innocent until proven guilty and while that is true in the majority of cases it makes for a nightmare scenario for a Dad fighting the exception to the rule.

He's fighting somebody who is very manipulative and calculating. At least if a Dad has these character traits, the mother can usually prove that in court and have no access or very little. A Dad fighting a Mother like that faces a whole other set of problems with little or no support.

Many do battle on and get custody after years of battling. Others, the mother grinds them down. You are fighting somebody with a God complex and the child is just a tool, a possession, the spoils of war as such.


Anyway, I don't buy the feminism argument whatsoever, it has got nothing to with it. Society is set up a certain way atm, usually the Mum is the main carer during a relationship and if a split happens, the courts go with the status quo. Until men equally share the care of children while in a relationship in the vast majority of cases, the courts will not reflect a 50/50 care ratio by default. Society is changing and has changed in that regard though and I'd say, within a decade or so, the courts will have to treat 50/50 as default and work from there in each individual case.

The cards are stacked against men though, not because of feminism, but because of out dated societal attitudes. I always got the impression from courts and solicitors that Dads have to prove themselves and offering reasonable child maintenance or looking for decent access was a surprise to them. Whether that's down to their experience or old fashioned prejudice from what is an increasingly out dated system, I don't now.

Getting back to the OP, I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't near the 25% in the UK here. I can't see any reason why there would be a big difference here. I think men need to face up to the problem and stop solely focusing on the bad mothers, undoubtedly a major problem and give equal focus to the men who walk away due to lack of education and immaturity. Most of them IMO are decent enough lads and if given a chance will step up to the mark, they just need a little push and an attitude adjustment.

There is no need to complicate the issue and introduce feminism or abortion or whatever you are having yourself. The reasons are simple enough to me and just down to character traits that are shared by individuals, both male and female.

Reward wrote: »

Relating it to the origional post.

LC4M I think would result in fewer absent fathers, fewer unwanted and "accidental" pregnancies, less child abuse in the forms of children for profit/entrapment scams and fewer unwanted children and so fewer abused children and so fewer criminals and abusive adults.

Why would it?

Can you outline the reasons why the above would result?