Dealing with family secrets

WILL NEVER LOG OFF · 11-08-2014 11:27am #1

Doing some very light family research recently, i unearthed a secret from my grandmother's past

www. boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057265925
(extra space there, not allowed post links)

I've already had plenty of helpful answers in that thread, so i'm not so much in need of specific advice, just wondering what all of you guys have tended to do with family secrets you've come across?

Any rules of thumb, or positive (or negative) experiences?

With so many people engaging genealogical resources, there are likely to be a lot of skeletons lurking at the back of closets out there.

Waitsian · 11-08-2014 11:59am

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

Just wondering what all of you guys have tended to do with family secrets you've come across?

Any rules of thumb?

Do? Not quite sure what you mean. As in to reveal or to keep secret from others? I've found a few 'skeletons' alright but either the ethics and/or morals of society have changed and nobody would care now anyway or, even with acts that would raise an eyebrow eg bigamy or murder, the characters involved are long dead so why cover it up? You can't blame the sons for the sins of their fathers.

Now in saying that, if you have an elderly gran and she's very conservative or know she is a very private person, and you discover she had an unknown, long lost, adopted sibling, then sure discuss it with her privately and see how she feels. But that's an example pertaining to a living relative. All my family secrets are to do with long deceased ancestors.

Be sensible and be aware of the feelings of living relatives. But as for those long, long dead, sure what odds? You can't change history nor your family members within it, why hide facts?

lottpaul · 11-08-2014 12:03pm

I read your original post and some of the advice from the everhelpful folks on AH

I've uncovered a few bits and pieces in my own family - relatives who have spent time in jail, who had children before marriage (remember it's only the women who get that label

), who were actually the children of someone they thought was their older sister but had been reared by Granny as the youngest, afterthought, of the family etc etc.
In all cases where the individuals or their children were still living I never told anyone. Where none of the close family were still alive I discussed it with my own siblings etc.
If I did research for someone else I always discussed it with them first and spent a while going through the pros and cons of whether they would really like to know the full unvarnished truth. Most initially said yes, but on reflection some changed their mind.
In your own case it's impossible for an outsider to advise you. You know the situation best of all. I would only say that where old people are concerned I'd need to be 101% certain that what I was doing was for everyones benefit before I said anything. Who would gain? Would your grandmother just become confused and feel threatened and afraid? Would the relations suddenly find it in their hearts to "forgive" her? Chances are they already know anyway. As for your mother - her relationship with her mother is between the 2 of them. If your grandmother never thought it right to discuss these things then perhaps you need to respect her choice?

In the future you may make a different decision but then you'll get the "why didn't you tell us long ago" questions and end up getting blamed for it.

There are rarely winners - and often losers in these cases. I don't envy you your choice. Best of luck.

pedroeibar1 · 11-08-2014 6:22pm

Your mother had a child before she was married and had a rough time of it from her family. You think this is because your grandmother too had a child before she was married? In your grandmother’s case that happened regularly for decades earlier, but more frequently there was a ‘shotgun’ wedding and the baby was called ‘premature’.
So how does not sharing the information have an impact on family life? It doesn’t, the status quo continues, your Gran lives a few more years fighting her demons, ones that were beaten into her mind by a bigoted society that shoved young girls into ‘prisons’. Pregnancy while unmarried was a serious social offense in 1950’s Ireland, horrific for all , it would impact on the career of the young woman and her family – in several areas e.g. bank, civil service, her father probably would not have obtained promotion because of his ‘wayward’ daughter. That was the way Ireland was.

By sharing / publicizing what you have learned you will seriously upset an elderly woman you appear fond of, one who likes you. She has enough issues to go on with. Let her live out her days and it is her decision if she wants to tell you, it is not your position to raise the topic.

After your Gran’s death – if you are close to your mother and she has raised the topic of her illegitimate child with you – you could broach the subject with her, as in ‘By the way, you know I’m really into doing the family tree stuff and I’m fairly certain that Gran had a child before she married. Maybe the hardship she had to endure was why she was so unkind to you.’ Only you know if this should be done.

I would not bother sharing it with the others, they are not worth it.

touts · 12-08-2014 1:34am

A good rule of thumb is investigating people who are dead is genealogy. Investigating people who are alive is snooping. If there is a secret they want kept they won't thank you for revealing it no matter how much you argue that it fills in an extra line on a family tree. Think of the biggest secret you have in life. The one you want no one else to know about. We all have at least one. Now imagine the annoying little bollox of a nephew or niece or cousin that you hate. Again we all have one. Imagine if he/she discovered your secret and insisted on publishing it because it is just what they need to get a few more likes on their Facebook page. Well that's how a living relative would feel about your "genealogy" project revealing their secret.

traprunner · 12-08-2014 8:04am

Children before marriage and getting married at a young age due to pregnancy was not uncommon.

Jellybaby1 · 12-08-2014 10:00am

Just going from my own research and family tree, the ones alive definitely do not want any secrets from the past dragged up for discussion. When I meet certain family members I do not mention certain things which I know that they know, and they surely must know that I know too. Its really down to respect for the one whose secret it is.

pedroeibar1 · 12-08-2014 2:22pm

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

.....I do not mention certain things which I know that they know, and they surely must know that I know too......

That’s interesting, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things that we know that we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know.
(Sorry JB, I couldn't resist)

Jellybaby1 · 12-08-2014 2:34pm

Half expected something like that! I knew as I typed it! Another known known.

John P. Mac · 13-08-2014 7:06pm

I have given (free of charge) family trees to several extended family and neighbours. Most have only a casual interest in their genealogy. My approach is to keep notes of "family secrets" e.g. suicides in mid to late 1800s; one or two jailings; minor court cases, in my master file as "private notes" (to which only I have access) but not print these in the versions I donate.

I feel most individuals / families are better off not knowing unless they want to do the research themselves.

Why create unnecessary hassle.

Libra1982 · 17-08-2014 12:38am

Tracing the family on my fathers side isnt is easy as I thought, any good suggestions as to where to start

Hermy · 17-08-2014 10:50am

The best thing might be to start a new thread and maybe post a few details - the when, where and who of your fathers people - and then we might be able to offer some advice.

PS Welcome to Boards.:)

Waitsian · 17-08-2014 1:42pm

Libra1982 wrote: »

Tracing the family on my fathers side isnt is easy as I thought, any good suggestions as to where to start

Hermy wrote: »

The best thing might be to start a new thread and maybe post a few details - the when, where and who of your fathers people - and then we might be able to offer some advice.

And if, as you noted, you're just starting, read the stickied threads at the top of the forum.

p15574 · 02-09-2014 2:30pm

Maybe let her decide - but I mean without asking her directly. Maybe tell her you're looking into the family tree in general and ask her about her life, which is always important with elderly relatives, to gather stories and knowledge while they're still around. I think most of them enjoy reminiscing and provide very interesting anecdotes which would be valuable for your family tree anyway. Then she may or may not bring it up, but I wouldn't steer or dig.

One point people were making on the other thread is that if she wanted it known, she would have told someone. Well, perhaps its a burden for her and she might rest easier having even told one person. Think of people who had never told anyone that they had a child adopted, but were glad when the child came looking years later and didn't mind telling everyone. Some things were secrets once, but need not be any more.

owenc · 04-09-2014 3:23am

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

Doing some very light family research recently, i unearthed a secret from my grandmother's past

www. boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057265925
(extra space there, not allowed post links)

I've already had plenty of helpful answers in that thread, so i'm not so much in need of specific advice, just wondering what all of you guys have tended to do with family secrets you've come across?

Any rules of thumb, or positive (or negative) experiences?

With so many people engaging genealogical resources, there are likely to be a lot of skeletons lurking at the back of closets out there.

I wouldn't bother mentioning the secrets. I've learn't that old people can be quite sour and bitter about the past so I would watch because you may be opening up a massive jar of worms that could lead to family issues.

We know stuff about our family and we were told to keep our mouths shut or all hell would break loose. Really is it really worth it?

Dealing with family secrets

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