Lost everything....

I'm sitting here writing something I thought I never would. If truth be known, it never once entered my mind that I would have to face what now lies ahead.

Over the last few months I've been seriously ill. That's what I'm told. It seems I've been ill for quite some time. It was only recently that a diagnosis, or multiple diagnosis were given. I didn't feel ill, didn't look ill. I still don't.

They say the mind is a powerful thing, in this case it was much more than powerful. It led me to believe I was fine.

When I was admitted to A&E after being discovered unconscious I cried a lot. I shook, I screamed (inside and out) I panicked, I was confused, hurt, angry, shocked and sad. But I was ok, I kept telling them I was ok.

The psychiatric team asked me in turn what happened, and I told them. I was far from ok. But I was willing to walk out and go home. But I didn't.

I'm a capable person. I have studied and worked many disciplines, have worked for myself, owned a number of different businesses and had up until this year been a sane, grounded, practical, hard working individual. Like most of us, I've had my fair share of upset, ups and downs, trauma, highs and lows. But they were seen through, dealt with and I moved on.

Over the last few months I've been medicated, counselled, attended to by a psychiatric team, spoken with several social workers, therapists, clinicians. I have my diagnosis, a few in fact, and there's a plan in place. This is good, this is great. I can move on.

The last few months have been a living hell, trapped in a fear, trapped in a rage, an uncertainty as to where my thoughts, actions and feeling were coming from, and where my mind was going. More worryingly if it had gone.

I watched as my life fell apart. Unable to work, I lost control of my business. I sat impervious in a vice like mental state as the speculation increased, as the doubt crept into minds, and the rumors began. I saw the online comments, I heard the gossip, and was powerless to address it. Why? I wasn't physically or mentally able. I was a crippled mess, in a state of distress, confusion and despair in a vicious cycle of hopelessness.

And it got worse. I sank, I was drowning. I reached out to a few, and while their sympathies were extended, they excused themselves from my problem by asking me to address theirs. I said I would. I asked for time. I apologised for any delay, and assured everyone that I would sort out any issues as soon as I was fit and able. I have always addressed delays, have always been upfront, and with over 11 years of training, experience, business acumen, awards, and contacts had good working relationships with all customers and suppliers.

It seems even for friends, my word was no good. Some increased the pressure, some added to the rumours and speculation, so much so some panicked. When the gardai seized some of my goods, I was told after the fact. I was informed by third parties that goods had been seized pending investigation. I was allowed no access to my computers, files, goods, etc... My premises was closed. My lease broken.

I now sit here wondering what to do. I've asked various advisors how best to sort this, but am told that I have to wait. I can do nothing. I'm told by the medical professionals, that I have to wait. I can do nothing.

So here I sit watching my life unravel like a spool of wispy thread. I cannot move forward. It can be done, but how? A reputation has been tarnished, relationships strained and broken, and no way back. There is a way out, and it is the one I cannot take. I argue with myself every minute, 'you cannot take that way out!'.

I've lost my personal and professional identity. It is a fact at this moment in time, and there is very little that can be done only wait, take baby steps, and get through it.

Looking at finances now there is very little to my name. I, like many others, have a family and a home. I can barely afford my medication today. It was paid for in coins that were found lying around the house.

I have asked for help, filled in forms, spoken to very sympathetic people in a variety of offices. I am entitled to nothing. I don't care. I don't want anything other than to have my life back.

I feel empty, without a lack of purpose. I feel judged, paranoid, and uncertain. I suffer from major depressive disorder. I suffer from borderline personality disorder. I am quietened, I am broken. I am trying to survive.

Please feel free to add a comment. There is no sympathy asked for, just a kind word and maybe some advice.

Thank you.