LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

Hi guys,

This is my first post here and it could be a long one, so I apologise straight away!

I'm not sure how to start. For quite a long time now, I've really been feeling down about myself. I can tell you right away the root cause of this. My Dad committed suicide when I was 18 (I'm 31 now...eek!). We were very close up until the last few month's of his life. We'd always go to GAA games together and travelled quite a bit to England to watch the team he got me into supporting. Long story short, my Dad was not a good businessman. He got into financial trouble but told nobody in the family. We watched him wasting away the last few months before he hung himself and I couldn't understand why. He'd sit in front of the TV all day, visibly shaking, getting thinner and just becoming a shell of a man. About two days before he killed himself, the proverbial hit the fan and my brother and sister who are (were) 14 and 10 years older than me found out about how much debt he was in. My father had asked them to be directors in his company and he had forged cheques in their name. I saw my brother physically throw my Dad out of his house the night before it happened. I remember his coming back to our house next door and sitting in his usual place in the kitchen and he asked me what I was cooking. My last word to my father was "pasta". I left the kitchen and never saw him again.

In 2007, my girlfriend of over four years left me when I was 24 for her housemate who I suspected she had feelings for for about a year. More on this later.

In 2010, my sister, who I loved more than anything in the world, was diagnosed with colon cancer, which in itself is one of the more treatable cancers. She'd been complaining about stomach cramps and the sensation she had to go to the toilet for months. Her doctor dismissed it as a lack of fibre in her diet, then said it could be IBS, then said it could be Crohn's. By the time my sister had a colonoscopy the polyps on the colon had turned cancerous. By the time the cancer was diagnosed it had metastasized to her liver and she was told she had months to live. She lived for a year and a half and died on 25th of April 2012, three days after her 39th birthday. My sister was, and always will be, the most amazing person I have ever met. She was the most beautiful and gentle soul and everyone adored her. We were so so close and it killed me to see this thing eat at her from the inside out; not just physically but mentally as well. She became so bitter in her last few months and was understandably not the person I knew. I know my sister worshipped me as well. The night before she died, her kidneys had failed and by the time I had got to Limerick from Dublin (where I work) she was completely out of it on morphine and we knew it was hours and not days we had with her. But that night, she suddenly woke when her boyfriend and my Mam were alone in the room with her and tried to get up to go to the toilet. Mam and her boyfriend had to walk her completely skeletal frame to the bathroom as she wasn't lucid. When she was coming back she saw me and she smiled and tried to say something. It was so strange. The next morning, was also strange. Her boyfriend rang me and told me to come downstairs, he knew this was it. She was lying there and she was just hanging on and all you could hear was that death rattle when she was trying to breathe. I stood there for five minutes looking at her. Her boyfriend said kiss her goodbye, and as soon as I did she let go. It was like she waited. I know its a coincidence but I'd like to think it wasn't. (Man, I'm in bits typing this).

Six months before my sister died, my new girlfriend of two years left me.

Now, here's where all sympathy for me ends. The reason my two girlfriends left me is because I'm a cheat. I've no idea why I do it. I did it on my first girlfriend so many times I lost count. In the four years we went out, I'd say maybe 15-20 times (I was caught once). Of course when she left me, my heart was broken but deep down I completely knew I deserved it. My second girlfriend heard about me f*cking another girl through a friend. This girl I cheated on her with was not a looker. Both girlfriend were/are absolutely beautiful and worshipped me. I don't understand why I do it.

I've stolen from my mother, who worked her ass off to put me through college as a single parent after Dad died. Not a large amount but it makes me sick that I'd even contemplate this. I can't explain who good a mother she is. She lost a son the year before I was born, buried her husband and then her only daughter. She's on her own most of the time now as I'm in Dublin and my brother emigrated. I don't know how she gets up in the morning.

All this said, I'm not a bad person either. I do as much as I can to help my friends, of which I have a lot of . Unfortunately, most are back in Limerick. In Dublin, I have friends but not as many and a lot of the time, like now, on a Saturday night, I feel quite isolated and lonely. In general, I'm friendly, polite and generous. I can be slightly shy until people get to know me.

I'm working a job that I used to love but for different reasons, I've come to hate it this year and I've literally spent all day doing up my CV so I've taken the first steps to rectifying that situation. I was off the last two weeks and spent the most of it at home with Mom so she'd have company. Was at the Picnic last week and was due back in work on Weds. Went in for the day but was miserable. Wednesday night, I didn't sleep a wink. All I could think about was how much I don't want to go back to work in the morning. Went into work that morning but couldn't face the full day and made up a bull**** excuse that my mom was in hospital (WHY THE **** WOULD I DO THAT?!).

Finally, I've met a new girl. First girl in ages that I really really like. We've met up a good few times and we finally "sealed the deal" last Monday night. The sex was great. Then last night she asked me up to her place. I knew we were going to have sex again and out so much pressure on myself I could barely get it up, which led to so much embarrassment on my behalf. She's still texting me now so she's still into me but I'm bricking it about messing it up. I really am tired of being on my own. I miss waking up beside someone, watching DVDs and just goofing around. Who do I have to blame for that? Mé f*cking féin.

In general, I've no confidence in myself. Negative thoughts invade my life constantly. I'm apparently a very good looking guy but walking up to a girl in a bar terrifies me and all I think about is how I'm going to get rejected. I constantly put myself down and take things very personally. I stopped playing soccer years ago because I was afraid of being criticised. I know I used to be very good and had good thing going at a very decent level but all of a sudden just stopped because I'm basically afraid of other people thinking I might be terrible. It's so so stupid but this negativity is so debilitating. It affects me in all walks of life.

I've started looking at psychologists and CB therapists. I need help and soon. I know I do. I want to go back playing soccer and am going to force myself to do so. I'd like to be confident like I used to be years ago. Not cocky or arrogant, just confident and comfortable in my own skin.

I'm sorry about the long post. It's been kinda therapeutic though.