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My girlfriend is very close to her ex.

  • 24-05-2014 7:40pm
    #1
    kjoanna
    Registered Users Posts: 40 ✭


    My girlfriend is best friend with her ex. After being together for 3 years my girlfriend broke up with her and they never moved out from the house they shared with two other people. Since then her ex is single.
    Year or so after my girlfriend had long distance relationship which ended up because the other girl didn't feel loved enough.
    We are together 9 months now, living in different cities so we see each other only during weekends.
    At the beginning I said nothing about this uncomfortable situation, that they still share the house, hug each other, spend every evening together and that I sleep in the bed they used to share for 3 years.
    Sometimes I get an impression that she values her opinion more than mine and that upsets me.
    Week ago I was told that her ex calls her Teddy and I was surprised, told her that it doesn't make me feel comfortable.
    Few days ago when my girlfriend was on the way home and we were on the phone she met her ex and said she will walk home with her.
    She knew it would upset me because I told her how I feel about when she puts me on hold to take phone call from her ex.
    They live together and yet she chose to walk back with her ex instead of staying on the phone with me.
    Because all of that I ask myself if I'm important to her and the fact that her previous girlfriend broke up with her for similar reason makes me think that my girlfriend can't fully commit to relationship because her ex is present in her live all the time.
    Just for the record I know that there is nothing between them and my girlfriend has no feelings for her ex. Although she doesn't think it's wrong to have a friendship like that and can't understand why I don't feel comfortable about it.
    I didn't say anything till few days ago and her response to that was "I tell her not to hug me when you are around" which I was very disappointed with:(
    Am I being jealous of that unusual friendship or am I right thinking that my girlfriend cannot commit to a relationship?


Comments

  • #2
    J_E
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    I'm gonna give it to you straight - the mix of the strong emotions she displays with her ex (despite there 'not being anything', there doesn't have to be sex for it to be an issue to you) and the fact you are feeling paranoid about it is just leading towards something bad. Do you really feel this is worth continuing? From what you typed here it just sounds like a hostile and unhealthy situation, and it doesn't help that you only meet at weekends and that she lives with her ex (actually, that last part makes it 100 times worse for you considering the situation).

    Now is the time to be frank with your girlfriend about the roadblocks in your relationship, because if you want it to be a healthy long-lasting relationship, there needs to be a feeling of you both being entirely comfortable about each other and your interactions.


  • #3
    kjoanna
    Registered Users Posts: 40 ✭kjoanna


    Thank you Cydoniac.
    I was hoping that maybe I am overreacting because I think it would be easier to change my feelings than my girlfriend's point of view on that situation:/


  • #4
    floggg
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,824 ✭✭✭floggg


    kjoanna wrote: »
    Thank you Cydoniac.
    I was hoping that maybe I am overreacting because I think it would be easier to change my feelings than my girlfriend's point of view on that situation:/

    It's worth bearing in mind that neither has to be right/wrong in a relationship in order for it not to work.

    If there is something that you are uncomfortable with, then you should be able to voice that and take whatever steps you need to if unresolved without having to first establish that she is being wrong or that you are in the right.

    If you think it's causing issues and it's something you don't want to continue while remaining in a relationship, then voice that. If you can't work something out from there, then it may be time to consider your options.


  • #5
    kjoanna
    Registered Users Posts: 40 ✭kjoanna


    I'm far from saying who is wrong and who is right.
    I didn't ask to do something about it like for example ask her ex to move out.
    All I did was telling her how I feel, it's up to her now to make a decision.


  • #6
    kjoanna
    Registered Users Posts: 40 ✭kjoanna


    Little update.
    We talked and she said she will try to keep her ex on distance but can't ask her to move out because they moved to that house together, fair enough.
    NEXT DAY their landlord is giving them notice so I asked maybe this is a good time to go separate ways, she says I know.
    Yesterday she told me she doesn't want to live with straingers so they are moving in together again.
    It's way too much for me:(


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  • #7
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    kjoanna wrote: »
    Little update.
    We talked and she said she will try to keep her ex on distance but can't ask her to move out because they moved to that house together, fair enough.
    NEXT DAY their landlord is giving them notice so I asked maybe this is a good time to go separate ways, she says I know.
    Yesterday she told me she doesn't want to live with straingers so they are moving in together again.
    It's way too much for me:(

    Time to end things, I think.

    She had an opportunity handed to her to distance herself from her ex. She knows how much it's upsetting you. And she chose her ex again.

    She's not taking your feelings into consideration at all. Might be time to cut your losses.


  • #8
    CramCycle
    Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 25,167 Mod ✭✭✭✭CramCycle


    green_screen wrote: »
    Time to end things, I think.

    She had an opportunity handed to her to distance herself from her ex. She knows how much it's upsetting you. And she chose her ex again.

    She's not taking your feelings into consideration at all. Might be time to cut your losses.
    Most definitely, she may as well have said, my ex will always be more important to me than you, I think its time to put yourself first.


  • #9
    Vojera
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,812 ✭✭✭Vojera


    kjoanna wrote: »
    .
    I didn't say anything till few days ago and her response to that was "I tell her not to hug me when you are around" which I was very disappointed with:(

    The bit I've bold there is actually quite upsetting to me. She knows that her being physically close to her ex bothers you and she's not acknowledging that at all, just saying she'll keep it where you can't see it. Also, saying "I'll tell her not to hug me" implies that she's not taking responsibility for that behaviour as well and is sort of laying it at the ex's feet, as though she never instigates or reciprocates a hug.

    I'm not saying people can't be friends with their exes or hug them or whatever, but the fact that she knows it bothers you and is still going to do it isn't very respectful of you.


  • #10
    J_E
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    Really sorry to hear that kjoanna. It's one thing having an ex as a friend but quite another to be living and associating with them like that and leaving you to the side. You deserve a better, more fulfilling relationship than that. Stay strong.


  • #11
    kjoanna
    Registered Users Posts: 40 ✭kjoanna


    Thank you all for replies.
    I told her yesterday that if she is moving with her ex now to new house my feelings will change.
    She kept saying she has no choice because she doesn't want to live with strangers, when I asked her why is her ex going to move with all of them, she said she cannot tell her to not to.
    If she is concern about everyone but me I had no choice and told her I'm out of that triangle.

    Vojera wrote: »
    The bit I've bold there is actually quite upsetting to me. She knows that her being physically close to her ex bothers you and she's not acknowledging that at all, just saying she'll keep it where you can't see it. Also, saying "I'll tell her not to hug me" implies that she's not taking responsibility for that behaviour as well and is sort of laying it at the ex's feet, as though she never instigates or reciprocates a hug.

    I'm not saying people can't be friends with their exes or hug them or whatever, but the fact that she knows it bothers you and is still going to do it isn't very respectful of you.

    Vojera them hugging each other didn't bother me that much till I saw all the rest.
    I just couldn't put up with everything.
    To be fair, last time when her ex wanted to hug her, she said that she is friends with other people and they don't hug her that often and then she walked away.
    What bothered me more was her not doing anything about rest of it.
    Anyway, I'm glad that now I know who she really cares about and I won't be continuing it anymore. I'm very upset but I don't think there was anything I could make the situation better.
    Thank you again.


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