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Did you regret coming out?

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  • 12-05-2014 10:14pm
    #1
    thecraicaddict
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭


    Hi guys, i'm 23, I live in Cork. I have certainly come to terms with the fact that I'm gay, and see guys etc, In fact I'm pretty much your stereotypical gay guy I guess (Unofficially), except I'm in no way camp. Anyway at this stage I really feel I need to come out, I am just sick of not revealing all of me to my friends and family, and if I do meet someone I don't see the point in sneaking around.

    The only thing is, and I don't know why, I am terrified of coming out. It's just the act of telling people, and the fact I've hidden it for so long. I don't know why I'm like this, I know it's irrational.

    My question is when you came out how did you get on? What happened? Did you regret it? any advice?

    Thanks peeps :)


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    #2
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Hey.

    I think there won't be a person here who wasn't at least a little bit scared of coming out. It's terrifying.

    But I honestly think it's one of the best things I've ever done, and it's probably something I'm most proud of, that I decided, even though it was scary and there was a real (although small) chance I'd lose friends or family over it, to come out. I came out when I was 21. I haven't regretted it for a minute. Don't get me wrong, it took a while for my parents to be ok with it in their minds, but they did. They didn't treat me any differently, but it was weird for a while. But now I have no secrets from anyone in my immediate family, I don't have to hide my weekend plans, or anything like that. Actually I thin my Dad sometimes prefers my girlfriends to me... ;)

    One of my proudest things is my Mother telling me that my Dad told her (in a chat they were having about it, I know they had a few!) that he was a bit unsure of what to do but that he's never been prouder of me, and the fact he raised a child willing to tell the world to "feck off, this is me!". :)

    I will say, as a word of caution, do understand that it might take a while for the dust to settle after you come out. It's a weird time for everyone, but honestly, it feels great after it's out in the open.


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    #3
    floggg
    Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    Hey.

    I think there won't be a person here who wasn't at least a little bit scared of coming out. It's terrifying.

    But I honestly think it's one of the best things I've ever done, and it's probably something I'm most proud of, that I decided, even though it was scary and there was a real (although small) chance I'd lose friends or family over it, to come out. I came out when I was 21. I haven't regretted it for a minute. Don't get me wrong, it took a while for my parents to be ok with it in their minds, but they did. They didn't treat me any differently, but it was weird for a while. But now I have no secrets from anyone in my immediate family, I don't have to hide my weekend plans, or anything like that. Actually I thin my Dad sometimes prefers my girlfriends to me... ;)

    One of my proudest things is my Mother telling me that my Dad told her (in a chat they were having about it, I know they had a few!) that he was a bit unsure of what to do but that he's never been prouder of me, and the fact he raised a child willing to tell the world to "feck off, this is me!". :)

    I will say, as a word of caution, do understand that it might take a while for the dust to settle after you come out. It's a weird time for everyone, but honestly, it feels great after it's out in the open.

    Actually your dad's comments resonate a lot with me. I had worked myself up thinking my dad would have take a while to adjust but he didn't bat an eye lid and was 100% fine with it.

    He did say something similar to me though during the talk - something along the lines of him knowing I had the strength to be who I was without worrying about others reactions or views.

    The funny thing was at the time I really didn't have that strength, but after that talk I really just felt empowered and found the strength he had been referring to.

    OP, few if any people regret it. I'm not saying your family will, but even this people who's family react badly and disown them ultimately tend to be happier afterwards that they can live their life, be who they are and our use their own happiness.

    Generally, the only reason to hold off is if you are financially dependant on them and there is a risk that they may cut you off or use that dependence against you if you come out.

    Assuming that doesn't apply, go for it. Ireland in 2014 is a pretty open and liberal place and there are few parents left who would truly not accept their child if they are gay (though it might take some parents a while to adjust).

    Assuming your parents aren't in Coir or some hardcore catholic group, and aren't open and aggressively homophobic you should be ok.

    And even if it goes badly, you'll likely be happier out of the closet anyway.


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    #4
    ninty9er
    Registered Users Posts: 9,366 ✭✭✭ninty9er


    There's lots if non camp gay guys your age in Cork, some of them are amongst my best friends.

    If you need an ear I'm sure I could point you to one of the....though your ear would probably be the victim of that. :pac:

    In terms of coming out, a good support network is important if you **know** you're going to get a bad reaction at some point! However if this isn't a foregone conclusion all you need is to be happy with who you are.


  • Options
    #5
    Genegirl83
    Registered Users Posts: 107 ✭✭Genegirl83


    thecraicaddict wrote: »
    Hi guys, i'm 23, I live in Cork. I have certainly come to terms with the fact that I'm gay, and see guys etc, In fact I'm pretty much your stereotypical gay guy I guess (Unofficially), except I'm in no way camp. Anyway at this stage I really feel I need to come out, I am just sick of not revealing all of me to my friends and family, and if I do meet someone I don't see the point in sneaking around.

    The only thing is, and I don't know why, I am terrified of coming out. It's just the act of telling people, and the fact I've hidden it for so long. I don't know why I'm like this, I know it's irrational.

    My question is when you came out how did you get on? What happened? Did you regret it? any advice?

    Thanks peeps :)

    Not one day since.
    It's true what they say about it being great for mental health. In college I was diagnosed with a host of serious mental illnesses (like, really serious), never took a pill for them though, still haven't and I swear, the day I told my mum I was gay I had what my (terrible?) psychiatrist would probably describe as a spontaneous remission of my ailments.
    So I went from closeted and VERY depressed to out and possibly the most emotionally stable person I know. I would consider myself a pretty happy person. My girlfriend (in the medical profession) laughed her arse off when I told her what I had been diagnosed with at a point in my life. Incurable things!

    Anyway, I'm probably an extreme case to say the least but yeah. Coming out is SOOO worth it.


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    #6
    J_E
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    thecraicaddict wrote: »
    Hi guys, i'm 23, I live in Cork. I have certainly come to terms with the fact that I'm gay, and see guys etc, In fact I'm pretty much your stereotypical gay guy I guess (Unofficially), except I'm in no way camp. Anyway at this stage I really feel I need to come out, I am just sick of not revealing all of me to my friends and family, and if I do meet someone I don't see the point in sneaking around.
    Think gay men worry too much about being 'non-camp' or 'straight acting'. I understand there's a fear of not coming across as masculine but don't feel the need to define yourself like that, just be yourself. I was like that too but I realised it was an underlying insecurity more than anything and a worry people would discredit my character based on that.

    Coming out was not intended but it happened in a good way with someone I didn't even know at first. I cried every night for a week after, mix of happiness that I finally came to terms with myself and worrying that there was no turning back now that it was officially out there. I was fortunate enough to be able to control who found out and being able to take it at my own pace. Now I'm very happy with who I am and have had next to no negative reaction from people I know. It becomes a great pressure, having to hide it. You don't realise it until the moment you don't have to try to be two different personas.


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    #7
    playedalive
    Closed Accounts Posts: 750 ✭✭✭playedalive


    In hindsight, I regret that I came out the same time I acknowledged I was gay. When I realised that I liked guys, I initially came out as bisexual. I thought because I hadn't much of a romantic life and found people 'interesting', I must be so. Then the penny dropped and I realised I was only really attracted to guys in the romantic/sexual sense.

    But, a year on, I am so glad I came out about over a year ago (when I was 21) and am more comfortable with my attractions


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    #8
    Vojera
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,812 ✭✭✭Vojera


    I regret the way I came out (I introduced my girlfriend to my family too soon after telling them and didn't give them a chance to adjust) but not that I came out.

    No exaggeration, if I hadn't come out I would probably be dead now. It changed my life completely. Even thinking about trying to keep my relationship a secret is giving me palpitations right now! You couldn't pay me enough to go back in that closet. It felt more like a coffin.


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