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Eyes from other guys

  • 25-02-2015 2:25pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I started seeing a girl about a year ago. We hit it off like never before. Everything was and is great. Except one thing I can't shake...

    When we're out, sometimes I catch her looking at guys. I think this is a natural reaction to have if someone attractive looks at you, you will inevitably look back, but I sometimes find my partner looking back more than just once. In a way to see if they're still looking or sometimes making eye contact.

    She seems very devoted to me and we have conversations about loyalty and she says she fears I'll be unfaithful as her last partner was. She once told me she was unfaithful in one relationship, only to later accidentally reveal it was more than one. So I would rather not have known at all to be honest.

    I've brought it up with her, when drunk, and she said I was being paranoid and ridiculous and i'm not very confrontational so for the sake of a big fight I ended up apologising to her. Then we will go days/weeks and everything is great. Then we could be out in a pub and someone looks at her and she looks back at him more than just once. All the time trying to disguise it from me.

    I've mentioned to her when we were sober that she looks at other guys and she laughs and point blank denies she does. But I can't shake it, it's annoying me a lot. I feel paranoid I'm over reacting and paranoid I'm not.

    Is she within her rights as long as she doesn't act on it? What is she like when I'm not around? Am I truly paranoid?


Comments

  • #2
    Tokyo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,655 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    'Paranoid' is a strong word, but you certainly are exhibiting signs of some deep rooted insecurity. Just because a person is in a relationship or even married doesn't mean they become blinkered to the world around them - people can still appear attractive to them, and they may still feel the urge to take a look. It's what they continue to do after that which matters.

    That aside, your girlfriend's actions so far seem to be quite innocent overall. It sounds like she is either taking a glance at tose around her, or responding to being glanced at, and you are treating her as if she is leering at every guy who crosses her path. Rather than focusing on the what if's, as you seem to be doing, list all the reasons why she is trustworthy and repeat them to yourself. she has been honest with you. She is devoted to you. So on and so forth. Because one thing is for certain - you need to learn to trust her, otherwise you will forever live in fear of losing her to someone else, and quite possibly sabotage your relationship through jealousy.


  • #3
    DukeOfTheSharp
    Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    Honestly, you're not paranoid, she's got a history of cheating and she's misled you on the amount - only copping to it when she let it slip accidentally. As for looking at other guys, I've never met a woman who looks at someone more than once, and tries to get them to look back, while they've been out with their other half. I've heard them say 'he's kind of good-looking' and so on, but the fact that she's denying she's doing it is really immature. If she copped to it, you'd feel a bit better knowing she was at least honest about it, but between the lying about the number of times she's cheated and this? The onus is on her to show she's not that person, especially when she's physically around you, trust is earned, she's taken huge steps back trust-wise by not coming 100% clean. The great irony is that she's terrified you'd cheat, but can't see her actions as questionable. Sit down and really talk to her, tell her she's not been honest with you, she's denying things outright and that she's worried you'd cheat - that's unfair, and her actions aren't exactly endearing. Just be honest, you have genuine concerns and if she's serious she'll listen, instead of laughing this off.


  • #4
    jimd2
    Registered Users Posts: 789 ✭✭✭jimd2


    From your description, this girl is a train wreck (for you) that is waiting to happen.

    That is not normal behaviour, an odd glance perhaps. But continued glances at guys and she being a multiple cheater then you are with a fickle dodgy character.

    If it was me I would end it but it is easier typing than doing.


  • #5
    Ron Franz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭Ron Franz


    i think her saying she is fearful of you being unfaithful is her stirring up the sand and deflecting any insecurities you have about her.

    Everyone can admire others they pass, it's natural, but her history together with continuous observations to other guys would make me worried too.

    I wouldn't say end it, but be on your guard.


  • #6
    Yurt2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2


    not-Peter wrote: »
    She once told me she was unfaithful in one relationship, only to later accidentally reveal it was more than one. So I would rather not have known at all to be honest.

    !

    Your get the f' out of there alarm should be ringa-ding-dinging right about now.

    People always insist they shouldn't be judged on their sexual past. I say b*ll****. How they conducted themselves in the past is strongly correlated with how they behave in the present and will behave in the future .Particularly if they're concealing things about themselves and are presenting themselves to you with a halo. Know exactly what she's capable of and don't be under any illusions

    My advice ; Let her know what you will and wont accept in a relationship. Let her know if you get a sniff that she might be looking to other men, she can have them and you're ready to leave - and it won't bother you because you don't need that noise in your life.

    Be a no Drama Llama. Best of luck.


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  • #7
    Electric Sheep
    Registered Users Posts: 2,108 ✭✭✭Electric Sheep


    Get over yourself. She looks at other men? What is she supposed to do, stare at the ground to please you?


  • #8
    dixiefly
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,950 ✭✭✭dixiefly


    Electric Sheep wrote: »
    Get over yourself. She looks at other men? What is she supposed to do, stare at the ground to please you?
    Nah, it's very unsettling to be with someone doing this. Her history of cheating is another aspect that cannot help a person when they notice this going on. I probably agree most with the advice of Yurt above.


  • #9
    skallywag
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,008 ✭✭✭skallywag


    Electric Sheep wrote: »
    Get over yourself.

    I think you missed the part about her having a track history of cheating, or do you not think that is relevant?


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP Here..

    Thanks for the replies. A wide variety which is very helpful. It was a relief to get it off my chest and it's pleasing to see other people's opinions.

    I haven't spoke to her yet about it. Everything is fine between us now and has been for the last while, and we've just been to a funeral back home so I don't think now is the time. I'm going to though as there's no point in building this up.

    I'll report back as I'm sure people will break down the outcome of what is said about the whole thing and it's good to read differing opinions and take what I want from it.

    Thanks.


  • #11
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    She loves attention, she lies about loving attention and she's lied about her past cheating. She might be happy now in the honeymoon period but what about a few years down the line? I think I'd just break up with her already.


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  • #12
    Electric Sheep
    Registered Users Posts: 2,108 ✭✭✭Electric Sheep


    skallywag wrote: »
    I think you missed the part about her having a track history of cheating, or do you not think that is relevant?

    Yes, it's irrelevant. I would tell her to run - a man that starts with trying to control where you look will end with much worse.


  • #13
    TheBeardedLady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,086 ✭✭✭TheBeardedLady


    Would you mind if she hadn't cheated in the past, OP?

    I know I've had men look at me in bars and I've looked back because they were looking at me, not because I fancied them or intended to run off with them, simply because they caught my eye and I might feel a bit self-conscious and would check to see if they're still looking and I've done it in front of my boyfriend of 4 years who I've been completely faithful to. Not something that happens regularly but it happens and it's not an issue. He trusts me and he has every reason to.

    Perhaps her history is clouding your judgement here, which is fair enough but you can't hold her to ransom for her past - you trust her or you don't and if you don't, move on. You can't build a relationship on suspicion and distrust. I think this is the real issue here.


  • #14
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    If she's quite pretty there's going to be lots of men looking at her all the time you two go anywhere. Anytime she looks around the room she will make eye contact with one guy or another unless she only looks at you or the table when you are out.

    The cheating history is a separate thing. If that's the real issue (and it should be) then discuss that with her. Let her know it concerns you and ask her why you should think you are in a different position than the other guys were. Then take it from there.


  • #15
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I think most attractive women will be used to being looked at / stared at / checked out etc and sometimes the men doing it can be quite attractive so it's probably natural to do it right back.

    A strange thing I've found is that when I'm with my boyfriend walking down the street hand in hand the attention can be more intense, so maybe that's what this girl is experiencing too and she's just reacting to it. It can be a bit "What the fcuk?" and your instinct can be to look back.

    However, turning around repeatedly to maintain eye contact or prolonged stares is just bang out of order and massively disrespectful to you. I'd be having a word to be honest, ask her exactly how she would be feeling if you were to very obviously make eyes at any woman who passed you while you two are out and about together. Not happy I'd imagine.


  • #16
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Being a bloke, I like to look. But if I'm on a date, with a gf etc, then I make a point of not leering at the women around me. It's called respect.

    I also would be concerned about her past behaviour. If I'm with someone who cheated on previous boyfriends, why should I believe she won't cheat on me? I've managed to not cheat on my previous partners, it's not exactly hard.


  • #17
    Yurt2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2


    Electric Sheep wrote: »
    Yes, it's irrelevant. I would tell her to run - a man that starts with trying to control where you look will end with much worse.

    Why do I get the feeling that if the old gender switcharoo was done on this thread you'd be on here calling the OP's other half a womanizer? Sauce for the goose...

    The OP's 'my girlfriend might have fidelity issues' spider senses are tingling. With the girls' history, it's not unfair to say he's on to something.


  • #18
    Electric Sheep
    Registered Users Posts: 2,108 ✭✭✭Electric Sheep


    Transnistria wrote: »
    Ridiculous comment, repeatedly staring at other men is disrespectful and a bad indicator.

    The desire to control who what and where your partner looks is one of the first indicators that a relationship will become abusive.


  • #19
    jimd2
    Registered Users Posts: 789 ✭✭✭jimd2


    Electric Sheep wrote: »
    The desire to control who what and where your partner looks is one of the first indicators that a relationship will become abusive.

    Can I be the first to say it....Garbage.

    The OP is not controlling what his partner is doing. He is expressing concern, not at the initial glances but at the return glances to the same guys later on. Indicator in my mind of something processing in her mind regarding said guys and her then returning to look again.

    Looking twice at the same person is often taken as an "I'm interested" sign. Even if that's not the intention and I doubt it is it does indicate that the OP has a partner who is not fully connected with him.

    No indicator that the OP will become abusive in my opinion.


  • #20
    Electric Sheep
    Registered Users Posts: 2,108 ✭✭✭Electric Sheep


    Dermaroller wrote: »
    It's called a relationship boundary, your statement is ridiculous.
    You think that where someone looks is a "relationship boundary"?! Right, fine for you.


  • #21
    Tokyo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,655 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Alright guys, the back and forth bickering ends here - the thread is here to aid the OP, not for you both to prove who is right and wrong. Dermaroller, as a new poster it would be well worth your while reading the forum charter to get an idea of posting standards expected here, before posting again. Both of you - read the recent announcement. Any more of this and I'll start issuing cards.

    Mike


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  • #22
    MrWalsh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭MrWalsh


    I think it's very difficult for anyone on here to say what is going on. It's completely subjective for the OP. An outsider might see her looking around and not perceive it as her doing anything bad at all, the OP could be perceiving "normal" looking around as her making eyes at other men, OR she could be giving come hither looks to all around her and the OP is right to be worried.

    But without seeing it, it's difficult to call it.

    However, personally I would be very wary of someone questioning what or who I was looking at. People look around. Eye contact sometimes happens.

    If you are so insecure about your partner that her LOOKING AROUND is a cause for concern then you shouldn't be in the relationship IMO. You're only wrecking your own head.


  • #23
    DukeOfTheSharp
    Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    MrWalsh wrote: »
    I think it's very difficult for anyone on here to say what is going on. It's completely subjective for the OP. An outsider might see her looking around and not perceive it as her doing anything bad at all, the OP could be perceiving "normal" looking around as her making eyes at other men, OR she could be giving come hither looks to all around her and the OP is right to be worried.

    But without seeing it, it's difficult to call it.

    However, personally I would be very wary of someone questioning what or who I was looking at. People look around. Eye contact sometimes happens.

    If you are so insecure about your partner that her LOOKING AROUND is a cause for concern then you shouldn't be in the relationship IMO. You're only wrecking your own head.

    I get this point-of-view, as many have expressed it through this thread, but I think there's a lot of glossing over going on about her actions, insofar as she's apparently terrified he'd cheat, while lying about the number of times she's cheated. The OP admitted he'd rather have never known about her past, but what's worse is when someone is faux-honest with you, in that they tell you a truth, but not the whole truth, only telling the whole truth after a slip-up. I have this strange feeling that her actions are to possibly deflect from her own past, which she knows, by placing a kind of unnecessary suspicion on the OP.


  • #24
    otto_26
    Registered Users Posts: 518 ✭✭✭otto_26


    Electric Sheep wrote: »
    You think that where someone looks is a "relationship boundary"?! Right, fine for you.

    I think you missed the part where he said she looks at a guy multiple times.. So we are not talking about a girlfriend looking at other guys she is looking at the same guy in a pub or wherever multiple times. Multiple times is not normal or acceptable behavior. If a women keeps looking at me in a pub I'm well aware she interested.


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