Long Distance Headwreck

flowerbattle · 11-02-2015 5:49am #1

Hi! Thought I'd post here because I haven't a clue what to do and I just want to get as many perspective on this as I can. Basically I'm a 21 y/o gay man and what happened was that I met this Brazilian 23 y/o guy on Grindr in mid-October. He was studying here for a year and a half and we met up for drinks. Then I went to his place where he cooked for me a week later. Then we watched a film together a few days after that. Then we went on a series of dates and by December we were basically boyfriends. Things were amazing, we were texting each other first thing every morning when we woke up and last thing at night before we went to sleep, we had pet names for each other, and we were at this for a long time. I think the last time I called him by his real name was October actually, and the last time neither of us got a text at night/morning on purpose was probably October too.

Anyway the problem lied in the fact that he was only here on a study visa, and eventually had to return home to Rio because his visa was running out and also to complete his studies. A few days before Christmas, he did just that. We both agreed that it would be stupid to keep things going over a 9000km distance and so, after an emotional goodbye we ended things. The next few days were hell for me, to quote Taylor Swift, "Screaming, crying, perfect storm", as they were for him, trying to re-assimilate back into Brazilian culture while also missing his adopted homeland and his boyfriend. After a week apart, I told him how hard this was on me and we agreed to enter into a long-distance relationship to see how things would go.

Things went ok for about three weeks. We skyped once before his laptop broke and we tried nothing different really. We basically just texted as we did when he was here in Ireland and we didn't try and set up anything special like writing to each other or skyping more often or just general ldr ideas. Eventually I started noticing that he was growing more distant from me, although I couldn't tell if that was actually the case or if it was paranoia on my part exaggerated by my anxiety disorder. Turns out it was the former, he was losing motivation to keep up the relationship and wanted to stay friends. I figured this kinda made sense because he lives a fair distance from his university and when he goes back to college in March he'll be travelling for 4 hours a day and won't have much time to maintain his own life, let alone set aside time for a boyfriend over the ocean. A week later I found out he was losing motivation to study and hang out with friends at home and it sounded like how I felt when I was entering into depression a few years ago.

Anyway that was little under a month ago and I don't think much has changed tbh. We still use pet names for each other, we still use kisses when we text, we still text each other every night and morning. I wouldn't mind as much if I didn't plan on going to Brazil to teach English for a few months starting in July when he has time off of college. If I'm honest, I'm kinda hoping we may start things off again then, if not before then. But at the same time I just don't know how he feels and I want to know so I can stop getting my hopes up and throwing money and time away and moving my life to the other side of the world just to be with someone who doesn't love me like I do them. I'm also finding it extremely difficult to move on emotionally while I'm still thinking about him. What do you guys think? Should I ask him to re-enter the relationship with me? Do you guys think he feels the same way? I just feel so stressed out about this.

ABajaninCork · 11-02-2015 8:19am

I honestly think he's trying to let you down gently, sorry to say. It's hard to maintain a LDR, made harder by the fact the pair of you are still studying.

I'd move on, OP. Don't tie yourself up in knots stressing about it.

Merkin · 11-02-2015 9:35am

Agreed. This realistically doesn't look like it's got any kind of future so I'd just avoid the (inevitable) head wreck and call it quits. An LDR takes a huge amount of work and commitment and I think your respective life stages, age and of course expansive distance isn't going to make this a runner. File it in your fond memories box and move on xx

LegacyUser · 11-02-2015 11:04am

The only way he has to return home is if he has been living here for 7yrs. As long as he has the funds (you shouldn't get involved in this, its his responsability) to cover his stay there's nothing stopping him from renewing his visa - unless he's not doing what he is suppose to do of course... He he simply paid for a course and didn't attend classes he wont be able to renew the visa...

I do believe LDR can work but not in such a distance... Brazilian men are famous for not being faithfull (unfortunately), this saying is for straight men, not sure about gay but I'd not hold my breath. Is hard enough to trust somebody who lives in the same city as you, let alone on the other side of the Atlantic.

I get the feeling this is probably your 1st serious relationship but dont go thinking this is the end of the road and you will never meet somebody else. You may never meet anyone like him because we are all different individuals but its a big wild world full of decent people, sooner or latter you will come across a nice guy who will put butterfly in your stomach.

flowerbattle · 11-02-2015 8:25pm

BRinDUB wrote: »

The only way he has to return home is if he has been living here for 7yrs. As long as he has the funds (you shouldn't get involved in this, its his responsability) to cover his stay there's nothing stopping him from renewing his visa - unless he's not doing what he is suppose to do of course... He he simply paid for a course and didn't attend classes he wont be able to renew the visa...

I do believe LDR can work but not in such a distance... Brazilian men are famous for not being faithfull (unfortunately), this saying is for straight men, not sure about gay but I'd not hold my breath. Is hard enough to trust somebody who lives in the same city as you, let alone on the other side of the Atlantic.

I get the feeling this is probably your 1st serious relationship but dont go thinking this is the end of the road and you will never meet somebody else. You may never meet anyone like him because we are all different individuals but its a big wild world full of decent people, sooner or latter you will come across a nice guy who will put butterfly in your stomach.

Obrigado muito! and cheers guys! I messaged him today and it turns out he's thrown himself into his college work since he broke up with me in January and that's helped him move on, so we've decided to stop talking to each other for a while to give me some space and try and move on myself.

DUB0207-old · 11-02-2015 8:43pm

flowerbattle wrote: »

Obrigado muito! and cheers guys! I messaged him today and it turns out he's thrown himself into his college work since he broke up with me in January and that's helped him move on, so we've decided to stop talking to each other for a while to give me some space and try and move on myself.

Best of luck up! As the previous poster said don't give up on hope.
You are so young... Gosh! I wish I was still 20 something...
I am in my mid 30's but still in hope to find someone decent.

Brazil is a huge country, if you have the chance to travel and teach English for awhile go for it. With or without him around it may be a great opportunity for you to expand your horizon (Gosh, I sound like a granny now :P)

steve610 · 25-02-2015 9:32pm

Hey OP! (this might be a long one... Sorry :P )

I read this thread in disbelief tbh because of the similarity to my story.

When I was 20 I met a Brazilian guy who was 22 here in Dublin. It wasn't my first relationship, but my god - I'd never felt that feeling in my stomach, love had taken over!

We spent every minute of everyday together, I can honestly say it was the best few months of my life, and I still feel that way.

Cut forward a few months .... And he had to move home (to his mother in Spain - where he grew up).

I spent weeks feeling so bad - months actually. Every emotion under the sun. So I booked a flight to Spain. It had been 3 months since I'd seen him, so we met up.

Something wasn't right from the start when we met - I couldn't figure out why at the time. We argued constantly for the weekend, we didn't even kiss.

We went to the airport when I was going home, and he burst out in tears.... And then I did. He said he was so sad that things weren't the same as they were, and that he hoped we could still be friends. Lots of hugs later I got on the plane.

I spent the whole flight home crying, to the point that the air hostess Sat down beside me and listened to me pour my heart out over a cup of tea (embarrassing looking back on it now - but hey, what a great person, there are some incredible people in this world)

Now, to the point. It's been a couple of years - Looking back now, I'm not sad. I had an amazing time with him for months, it didn't end well, but to have shared love with another person is something you should never have regrets about. I'll always have a place in my heart for him, he was my first love.

Life will move on for you, and for him. Probably hard for you to hear now, but it's a gradual thing. He will be on your mind for months - but that's ok. You will meet another person who you fall in love with, and you will be happy. Take a couple of months break, messaging him will just make things worse. Life your life, and then after a while, you can chat again.

I'm not in contact with the guy anymore, but that's by choice. At the time I never would have thought I wouldn't want Contact with him - but that's the point, things change!

At the very least you have gained a great friend, a great experience, you fell in love. Some people would kill for that. So don't pause your life. You only have the one

TheBeardedLady · 25-02-2015 10:50pm

OP, I met an American guy on my J1 when I was 21 and did long distance for 2 and a half years and saw him for about 8 weeks altogether in that time (excluding the 2 and a half months we spent together while I was there). I was young and naive and thought it would eventually go somewhere but I was only starting in university (my second course) as was he. I stayed faithful to him for that whole time and although I don't regret it as it was a long time ago, it was a waste of a good chunk of my youth when I should've been having fun with fellas closer to home and not spending my time pining for some fella I'd a Summer fling with 1000s of miles away. Although he talked about moving to Ireland at that time, I haven't seen him in over 10 years. It was all just fantasy.

Speaking from experience, OP, I'd move on and live your young life to the full. I wish I'd listened to the advice I got from loved ones at that time. I don't want to burst your bubble but LDRs with such a distance are near impossible to maintain without solid, realistic future plans, particularly at your age and at this stage in your life. I think you'll lose out on some of the best years of your life - you won't get your early twenties back again, so don't waste them. Enjoy yourself in the here and now.

Good luck, OP. It's not easy.

flowerbattle · 03-03-2015 4:33am

steve610 wrote: »

Hey OP! (this might be a long one... Sorry :P )

I read this thread in disbelief tbh because of the similarity to my story.

When I was 20 I met a Brazilian guy who was 22 here in Dublin. It wasn't my first relationship, but my god - I'd never felt that feeling in my stomach, love had taken over!

We spent every minute of everyday together, I can honestly say it was the best few months of my life, and I still feel that way.

Cut forward a few months .... And he had to move home (to his mother in Spain - where he grew up).

I spent weeks feeling so bad - months actually. Every emotion under the sun. So I booked a flight to Spain. It had been 3 months since I'd seen him, so we met up.

Something wasn't right from the start when we met - I couldn't figure out why at the time. We argued constantly for the weekend, we didn't even kiss.

We went to the airport when I was going home, and he burst out in tears.... And then I did. He said he was so sad that things weren't the same as they were, and that he hoped we could still be friends. Lots of hugs later I got on the plane.

I spent the whole flight home crying, to the point that the air hostess Sat down beside me and listened to me pour my heart out over a cup of tea (embarrassing looking back on it now - but hey, what a great person, there are some incredible people in this world)

Now, to the point. It's been a couple of years - Looking back now, I'm not sad. I had an amazing time with him for months, it didn't end well, but to have shared love with another person is something you should never have regrets about. I'll always have a place in my heart for him, he was my first love.

Life will move on for you, and for him. Probably hard for you to hear now, but it's a gradual thing. He will be on your mind for months - but that's ok. You will meet another person who you fall in love with, and you will be happy. Take a couple of months break, messaging him will just make things worse. Life your life, and then after a while, you can chat again.

I'm not in contact with the guy anymore, but that's by choice. At the time I never would have thought I wouldn't want Contact with him - but that's the point, things change!

At the very least you have gained a great friend, a great experience, you fell in love. Some people would kill for that. So don't pause your life. You only have the one

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

OP, I met an American guy on my J1 when I was 21 and did long distance for 2 and a half years and saw him for about 8 weeks altogether in that time (excluding the 2 and a half months we spent together while I was there). I was young and naive and thought it would eventually go somewhere but I was only starting in university (my second course) as was he. I stayed faithful to him for that whole time and although I don't regret it as it was a long time ago, it was a waste of a good chunk of my youth when I should've been having fun with fellas closer to home and not spending my time pining for some fella I'd a Summer fling with 1000s of miles away. Although he talked about moving to Ireland at that time, I haven't seen him in over 10 years. It was all just fantasy.

Speaking from experience, OP, I'd move on and live your young life to the full. I wish I'd listened to the advice I got from loved ones at that time. I don't want to burst your bubble but LDRs with such a distance are near impossible to maintain without solid, realistic future plans, particularly at your age and at this stage in your life. I think you'll lose out on some of the best years of your life - you won't get your early twenties back again, so don't waste them. Enjoy yourself in the here and now.

Good luck, OP. It's not easy.

thanks a million you two for sharing your experiences and advice. it's been nearly 3 weeks since we've stopped talking, before this the longest we've gone without talking was probably the day and a half when he travelled home to Brazil and couldn't connect to wifi. i spent last week in New York and went on a few dates there and i thought it was alright but since i've come home all i've been thinking about is the Brazilian guy and every single thing i want to say to him and how i want to tell him everything/nothing and just delete him off of everything and cut all ties with him. i haven't a clue of what to do, nothing is making me feel happy and everything reminds me of him and i don't even know how to move on without chasing and dating other guys but that's not fair on them while i'm stuck on the Brazilian guy. thanks for your help though

Long Distance Headwreck

Comments