Lack of early relationship sex

LegacyUser · 10-09-2014 2:37pm #1

Hi Guys and Gals,

Just looking for some advice, I've been dating a girl for just over a month now and we have yet too have any sort of intimacy except for the odd kiss which doesn't really go on for long either. Now I don't and never would expect any girl too hop into bed with me straight away but the fact that she hasn't even shown the least sign of getting aroused or excited has me slightly worried.

In the past when I've been dating girls they have all shown some signs of wanting to take things further. Now it wouldn't bother me if she wanted to wait another while that's fine but any time I try to discuss sex with her she brushes it off and says we'll wait and see.

I was never one to hop into bed with anyone but I have a very high sex drive so sex within a relationship is very important too me so the fact that she hasn't shown any interest in it is giving me the impression that she can take it or leave it.

I'm a bit unsure as too what to do as we have a lot in common and get on great but the more we meet the more it feels like she is just one of the lads.

Could anyone offer me some advice or their own thoughts??

Tasden · 10-09-2014 5:44pm

You say that she brushes it off any time you try to discuss it, in what way do you approach it? Like have you asked when its gonna happen, or looked for reasons why it hasn't happened yet or.....?

IlmoNT4 · 10-09-2014 6:02pm

Its only been a month...thats not a long time to get to know someone. Have you just met her, or have you known her before dating.... ?

Sex is an important part of a relationship, but so is taking the time to get to know the person before sleeping with them, I think if you have concerns then speak to her about your concerns and how you feel. She may have a high sex drive as well, but she may also not want to sleep with someone shes known for just 4 weeks....All you can do is talk to her directly and if it turns out that shes not interested in sex then you have your answer. And if it turns out that she wants to get to know you better before sleeping with you then you know whats going on.

GreeBo · 10-09-2014 6:34pm

It depends on what the month was like.
Were you meeting a couple of times a week, or 4 times total for example?

If you have only gone out a few times I think even bringing it up is too early and no wonder she brushes it off.
However if you have have, say 10 dates then I think its not beyond the bounds to bring it up if its something you are both talking about.

It reads to me that you have had a couple of dates and kisses and now you want to talk about sex, meanwhile she is happy getting to know you a little bit and sex is irrelevant at this stage

Eric Cartman · 11-09-2014 3:49am

Op says theyve only kissed a few times, after a momth even if it was only 5-6 dates , not having done anything would seem strange to me, whatever about sex, but to have done absolutely nothing

IlmoNT4 · 11-09-2014 8:43pm

I think its totally ok to have done nothing but kiss after a month of dating, if this is a totally new person in your life, say someone you met online or on a night out.

But ultimately this isnt really about sex, this is a communications problem, just sit her down and talk to her about your sexual expectations and her's. Sex is different for everyone, some people have no problem with sleeping with strangers or after a few dates, others want to wait a while, know what they are getting themselves into. And it also depends on the Ops age and age of his girlfriend.

Also if you have done a lot of dating, that can really put you off getting involved with men sexually too quickly at the start. You feel like its going well, sleep with them and then the whole thing is off the following week. It gets really old and you start to feel used. Its very frustrating... Most women I know in their 30's while enjoying sex just as much as men get a little over the lets have sex but we hardly know each other, its putting the cart before the horse. Take the time to get to know someone, really get to know them and know what you are getting yourself into. But like I said everyone is different and you have to be able to talk to your partner about your wants and needs.

Mr. Loverman · 12-09-2014 9:15pm

End the relationship. Trust your instincts.

If you have these problems already, they'll just get harder with time. End it now before you have a stronger emotional connection.

There are plenty of women out there who are more compatible.

And I disagree with some of the other advice. This isn't about sex -- she doesn't even really want to kiss. That's more than just taking it slowly. There's some sort of underlying problem.

GreeBo · 12-09-2014 9:26pm

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

End the relationship. Trust your instincts.

If you have these problems already, they'll just get harder with time. End it now before you have a stronger emotional connection.

There are plenty of women out there who are more compatible.

And I disagree with some of the other advice. This isn't about sex -- she doesn't even really want to kiss. That's more than just taking it slowly. There's some sort of underlying problem.

We still dont know how many dates, a couple of kisses after 4 or 5 dates is perfectly normal without any hint of any underlying problem!

Sociopath2 · 12-09-2014 9:32pm

There's one of three things wrong:

She has a lower sex drive than you

She has more conservative views on sex than you

She has issues around her body or sexual contact

None of these things bode well for a healthy sexy life. Cut your losses and finish the relationship.

You're not a therapist, you can't fix these things and it's not your job to try.

Mr. Loverman · 12-09-2014 10:04pm

Sociopath2 wrote: »

There's one of three things wrong:

She has a lower sex drive than you

She has more conservative views on sex than you

She has issues around her body or sexual contact

None of these things bode well for a healthy sexy life. Cut your losses and finish the relationship.

You're not a therapist, you can't fix these things and it's not your job to try.

Or... she's just not that into him.

IlmoNT4 · 12-09-2014 10:26pm

Or shes had 4 dates with a stranger .....

we dont know the details but I think its a little harsh to say dump her, or that she has issues without talking to her.... but if its not to your liking and you want sex straight of the bat, then yeah maybe you do need to find someone who wants sex on a second date...

Its your life OP, but Id say you have nothing to lose by talking to her and find out where you stand. If it turns out she doesnt like sex, has a low sex drive etc etc then you can make a decision but dont dump someone just because you couldnt talk to them or they werent having sex with you fast enough.

Tasden · 12-09-2014 10:46pm

loulou2009 wrote: »

Or shes had 4 dates with a stranger .....

we dont know the details but I think its a little harsh to say dump her, or that she has issues without talking to her.... but if its not to your liking and you want sex straight of the bat, then yeah maybe you do need to find someone who wants sex on a second date...

Its your life OP, but Id say you have nothing to lose by talking to her and find out where you stand. If it turns out she doesnt like sex, has a low sex drive etc etc then you can make a decision but dont dump someone just because you couldnt talk to them or they werent having sex with you fast enough.

But he said in his op that any time he tries to talk to her about it she just brushes it off

Bafucin · 12-09-2014 10:47pm

loulou2009 wrote: »

Or shes had 4 dates with a stranger .....

we dont know the details but I think its a little harsh to say dump her, or that she has issues without talking to her.... but if its not to your liking and you want sex straight of the bat, then yeah maybe you do need to find someone who wants sex on a second date...

Its your life OP, but Id say you have nothing to lose by talking to her and find out where you stand. If it turns out she doesnt like sex, has a low sex drive etc etc then you can make a decision but dont dump someone just because you couldnt talk to them or they werent having sex with you fast enough.

There is a lot of unspoken communication in relationships. You can analyse a text or words etc ...but he is seeing her face to face and women in particularly communicate more physically and you get more insight into them. He has a sense that something is up and i would say he is correct.

I think 4 dates is soon enough for sex but this is not just about sex. It is about physical contact. She is not giving much of that.

I would talk about it to her.
He is perfectly entitled to end a relationship while being respectful to the girl if the relationship is not suiting him and so is she.

I would expect something after 4 dates myself.

LegacyUser · 13-09-2014 2:22pm

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for everyones responses and apologies for the delay in response, busy week. We met again during the week for a quick bite to eat that would have been our 7th time meeting, once again it was just a quick kiss but to be honest we couldn't have done a lot else anyways as I was only available for an hour.

Being honest I think I realised that I'm just not physically attracted to her, she's a lovely woman but I dont think we're compatible even though we've lots in common! Even since the date contact has been very limited between us so I'm starting to think even she has realised that the spark isn't there between us.

She's away for this weekend so we had nothing planned and being honest I'm not too pushed if I see her again so I think that has answered my own question!

fergie24 · 13-09-2014 6:03pm

Sounds like she figured you out well in advance.

Mr. Loverman · 14-09-2014 5:10am

fergie24 wrote: »

Sounds like she figured you out well in advance.

I don't understand why this comment is allowed. It serves no purpose other than to insult the OP.

Penny Tration · 14-09-2014 9:09am

Obviously, op, you've both realised there's no spark, and that's fine.

I would say for in the future, don't expect sex after a handful of dates. Yes, there are plenty of people who sleep together after a few dates, but there are loads who don't. It doesn't mean the person doesn't like you.

Sex is important in a relationship, of course. But it doesn't mean it needs to happen before you even know each other well.

Out of the people I've slept with, 4 of them were after 3 dates, and the guy I'm with now, we waited three MONTHS. Out of all of them, i have a better sex life and emotional connection to the guy I waited to sleep with.

J_E · 14-09-2014 9:16am

Really coming across that you're both not feeling that chemistry. Good you spotted it now, stay friends/acquaintances and move on.

The people in this thread making it out that the OP is looking for sex first is unfair. In an early relationship you should really be feeling an excitement in terms of each other, that's natural. It just isn't happening here.

Taltos · 14-09-2014 9:17am

Mr Loverman.

Please read our charter. Back seat modding is not allowed here. As you already know PI is a strictly moderated forum and if you don't have constructive advice to offer the OP I would suggest you don't post. If you continue to post in breach of our charter the only result will be the removal of your posting rights here.

Regards
Taltos

IlmoNT4 · 14-09-2014 12:08pm

Glad you figured it out OP and I dont think people are saying that its wrong/unfair to sleep with someone straight away, its different for everyone, what I was trying to get across was that for some people sex straight away is cool and for others its not. Yes sexual chemistry and excitement is very important at the start, but my experience of dating is that if you sleep with every guy you had a few dates with you end up getting pretty disillusioned by the whole dating/relationship thing because some guys sleep with you and you never hear from them again. However in saying its not true of all men, most guys are decent normal people. In my experience the guys I've taken time to get to know before having sex with (even though I wanted to sleep with them) have worked out as great relationships compared to guys I've slept with too soon.

Basically its a balance, its down to you, your partner etc and what feels comfortable for you both, while keeping in mind that the other person is more than just someone to have sex with.

I guess its about having empathy and understanding that the other person is more than someone to have sex with, and treating a potentially new partner as a person, that includes who they are, enjoying time with them, having fun, rather than what you can get from them....Hope thats coming across ok, I dont know how best to describe it. I'm not trying to offend anyone because no one is right or wrong in these situations.

beks101 · 14-09-2014 12:36pm

IME the sexual tension between two people is very important at the start of a relationship. It's an integral component in this 'chemistry' you can have with someone and it's the main differentiating factor in determining who is just a friend and who is more.

I didn't sleep with my boyfriend for a month or two after we hooked up. But we both wanted to from day one and that was clear as night and day. Every date was filled with a ridiculous amount of flirting, prolonged eye contact, touching at any opportunity, getting as physically close to one another as possible, innuendo, lots of kissing, suggestive comments and compliments etc.

In my case I wasn't particularly interested in jumping into bed with someone right away only to either never hear from him again or for things to fizzle out too soon, as had happened all too frequently in the past. And we had a connection beyond that right from the start, not jumping right to the sex part gave us time to talk and get to know each other, get intimate and emotionally engaged so when the other stuff came along it was just a way of getting closer again.

Basically OP what you've learned is that all that physical and sexual stuff is pretty indicative of chemistry from Day One. It's either there or it's not and for you, this time it wasn't. I think it's unfair to tar you as someone who was 'only interested in sex' as that clearly was not the case - you just were looking for mutual attraction, and body language is the number one indicator of that.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2014 2:40pm

OP here,

Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone, nice to get different peoples opinions on this. Just want to put it out there that I wasn't looking for her to hop into bed with me right away, I have had relationships where I have waited a few months before having sex but it was the fact that there was no real intimacy or chemistry at all, I guess I spotted it early on if I'm being honest but a part of me ignored it and wanted it to work as we got along in terms of similar interests, personalities etc.

I've had the opposite experience before where I started dating a girl and the chemistry and sex was amazing at the beginning but we were worlds apart in terms of interests and personalities so it fizzled out.

Anyways, back to the dating scene with me

Lack of early relationship sex

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