Boyfreinds confession

LegacyUser · 15-09-2014 9:30am #1

I have been seeing a really great guy got the last two years. We are both early 30s and this isn't out first serious relationship. On Friday night when out after a long drinking session at a house party, my boyfriend kissed and started to have sex with another person and stopped and left when he decided to stop

He came and told me this last night and was sick and shaking. I was more numb to the news than anything else and almost ended up comforting him.

This morning I feel just so sad. How the hell do I get over this. I can understand how a drunken slip can happen, but its turning my guts, absolutely making me shake and panic. I know from a pervious boyfriend how it feels when trust is broken, although that ex always hid his cheating and probably wouldn't admit to it now.

I am on a roller coaster now and cant really speak to anyone about it. He sat on the couch wheile I slept last night , I think he was afraid if he left it was it. This is just so uneeded, we were such a great couple.

R.D. aka MR.D · 15-09-2014 10:37am

It's so hard breaking up with some one after 2 years but at least you know this about him now and can move on with your life.

I can't offer any more advice than to say to keep busy and spend times with friends or family.

From your post, you mention that this isn't the first time that you've been cheated on. I hope i'm not overstepping the mark but you might want to look at the reasons you seem to end up with people like that.
Personally, I feel like a lack of self-esteem can lead to accepting behaviour from a boyfriend that isn't up to scratch.

I've been cheated on and forgiven them. Twice with 2 different guys! Now, i know better. I can avoid the type of men who are likely to do it. In hindsight, the signs had been there from the very beginning.

If he valued you and truly loved you, then he wouldn't have done it. Him telling you means nothing, more than likely he was worried some one else would tell you.

You deserve better than that.

dean84 · 15-09-2014 10:51am

guttedandsad wrote: »

I have been seeing a really great guy got the last two years. We are both early 30s and this isn't out first serious relationship. On Friday night when out after a long drinking session at a house party, my boyfriend kissed and started to have sex with another person and stopped and left when he decided to stop

He came and told me this last night and was sick and shaking. I was more numb to the news than anything else and almost ended up comforting him.

This morning I feel just so sad. How the hell do I get over this. I can understand how a drunken slip can happen, but its turning my guts, absolutely making me shake and panic. I know from a pervious boyfriend how it feels when trust is broken, although that ex always hid his cheating and probably wouldn't admit to it now.

I am on a roller coaster now and cant really speak to anyone about it. He sat on the couch wheile I slept last night , I think he was afraid if he left it was it. This is just so uneeded, we were such a great couple.

Very sad post. You are obviously very cut up, but the fact he told you, and told you the debts it went to shows there is honesty in there somewhere.
I don't believe in allowing people to get off lightly with cheating , and it would be so easy for me to say leave him, but your not me.
You need to first get a good rest, if you can, and then with a cleat head evaluate what's worth saving. If you feel you can have some kind of future, you need a break and talk to him.
Do not make an emotional judgement, or even a rational one yet. Use your wise mind

gigglemuch82 · 15-09-2014 12:10pm

I agree - stop talking to your boyfriend for a while and have some alone time to think this through.

I know it hurts like hell but concentrate on yourself and if necessary, get some counselling to talk it out and to think this through without being too emotionally involved.

In my opinion, if he truly loved and respected you, he wouldn't have crossed that line even under the influence. I think it was a good thing that he told you and in a way, he's giving you a chance to leave him with a good reason.

Please put yourself on the top and do what's right for YOU. You deserve so much better.

Big Bag of Chips · 15-09-2014 12:44pm

You don't have to break up.. It sounds like you don't want to? But, he has to accept how hurt you are. You mightn't even know yourself how hurt you are, yet. You are still just processing this. The next few days are going to be harrowing. You rightly say you are on a rollercoaster, and one minute you'll think you are ok and accepting what happened, the next you will feel utterly betrayed and distraught. It's all normal, and you should allow yourself all those feelings.

Don't ask for details. It won't help you.

He has a lot of making up to do. Some couples can overcome cheating. Others can't. There is no pressure on you to rush into a decision one way or the other. Take your time. Allow yourself to grieve, and then see what you want to do a little further down the road.

CaraMay · 15-09-2014 2:10pm

guttedandsad wrote: »

. I know from a pervious boyfriend how it feels when trust is broken, although that ex always hid his cheating and probably wouldn't admit to it now.
.

Op I'm so sorry this has happened to you but the plus is that it's only 2 years in and not 10 with kids. The bottom line is that he (started to) had sex with someone. Ok he was drinking a lot and ok he stopped but so what? He got from the point of saying hello to someone then to having sex with them so don't tell me there was no intention there...

As I said, two years isn't that long and, ŵhile it will hurt for a while, there are plenty of guys out there who won't cheàt on you even after 30 years. Set your bar high and relegate this guy to the same place as your ex - the dim and sleazy past. Mind yourself

MugMugs · 15-09-2014 3:18pm

I've been out of my mind with drink. I mean, waking up on the kitchen floor unable to remember how I got there kind of drunk.

Serious sessions.

I haven't cheated though. Drink is no excuse and I am a massive believer that a drunk man speak his sober mind.

I'd be rid of this man OP. Never settle for anything less than you deserve and you don't deserve this.

IlmoNT4 · 15-09-2014 3:35pm

MugMugs wrote: »

I am a massive believer that a drunk man speak his sober mind.

This is the Honest truth OP, the truth comes out....

If my partner told me he was out of his mind drunk and yet was still able to go all the way from meeting, flirting, kissing, going some where private, taking clothes off and starting to have sex I'd be gone and I would never look back. I wouldnt accept drunkness, off my head, didnt know what I was doing. If your that drunk, you should be passed out or heading home.

Its about taking personal responsibility when you are out and drinking. If he drinks himself into these states and ends up in these situations then walk away.
We've all drank ourselves silly, myself included, but I've never cheated on anyone, never even crosses my mind when I'm out. I dont flirt with men and I dont encourage men to flirt with me because I have a partner and if anyone does hit on me, I walk away. Its that simple.

kunst nugget · 16-09-2014 10:33am

MugMugs wrote: »

I am a massive believer that a drunk man speak his sober mind.

Honestly, this is BS. Plenty of people have done things when they were drunk that they would never contemplate in a million years if they were sober. Like any drug, there is no one standard reaction to alcohol - we all have different experiences with it. This is not an absolution of responsibility, he still has to accept it was his choice to get completely ossified, that he did cheat on her and if this is what he is capable of when drunk he needs to take a very serious look at his alcohol consumption.

MagicMarker · 16-09-2014 12:51pm

What does starting to have sex mean? They either had sex or they didn't.

LegacyUser · 16-09-2014 5:51pm

kunst nugget wrote: »

Honestly, this is BS. Plenty of people have done things when they were drunk that they would never contemplate in a million years if they were sober. Like any drug, there is no one standard reaction to alcohol - we all have different experiences with it. This is not an absolution of responsibility, he still has to accept it was his choice to get completely ossified, that he did cheat on her and if this is what he is capable of when drunk he needs to take a very serious look at his alcohol consumption.

Disagree strongly. Do you not know how far you'd go when ossified? Are you not (for example) completely sure in your mind that you'd never rape or murder? Are you not sure you'd never strike a small child? Are you not sure you'd.....(insert horrible and objectionable action of choice).

TBH, if riding someone else when in a relationship (or even "starting" to) is not on that list of things he can be damn sure he wouldn't do whilst out of his box on drink, I wouldn't want to be with that man.

Although seemingly, this man copped on at the very last minute and is incredibly contrite about it. Definitely food for thought, but it's a tough one on the OP.

kunst nugget · 16-09-2014 7:38pm

-sminky- wrote: »

Disagree strongly. Do you not know how far you'd go when ossified? Are you not (for example) completely sure in your mind that you'd never rape or murder? Are you not sure you'd never strike a small child? Are you not sure you'd.....(insert horrible and objectionable action of choice).

TBH, if riding someone else when in a relationship (or even "starting" to) is not on that list of things he can be damn sure he wouldn't do whilst out of his box on drink, I wouldn't want to be with that man.

Although seemingly, this man copped on at the very last minute and is incredibly contrite about it. Definitely food for thought, but it's a tough one on the OP.

You're totally strawmanning there. I'm saying there's plenty of people that do foolish things when they're plastered that they would never ever do sober because their ability to make proper decisions is completely impaired and alcohol affects everybody differently. Someone said earlier that they have woken up on the kitchen floor without knowing how they could there but they would never cheat - if they had a black-out how would they know? I don't know this guy and I don't know his drinking habits and whether he abuses alcohol - that's something only the OP knows.

Osvaldo · 16-09-2014 8:37pm

It's tough. You deserve better.

If my imaginary non-existant-but-maybe-out-there-somewhere girlfriend uttered such words to me - I would like to think I'd send her packing.

Having said that; laugh out loud; these words were indeed uttered to me many years ago. I did send her packing; but only for a week - I forgave - and was subsequently sh*t on a number of times after. Seriously; people that sh*t on people, sh*t on people. I would never accept such sh*t again*

*Sincere apologies for my overuse of the word sh*t.

I feel for you and dare say I know exactly how you feel. If it's any consolation; when I look back now - I'm glad things played out the way they did; or didn't. And maybe you could be too.

LegacyUser · 16-09-2014 9:04pm

kunst nugget wrote: »

You're totally strawmanning there. I'm saying there's plenty of people that do foolish things when they're plastered that they would never ever do sober because their ability to make proper decisions is completely impaired and alcohol affects everybody differently. Someone said earlier that they have woken up on the kitchen floor without knowing how they could there but they would never cheat - if they had a black-out how would they know? I don't know this guy and I don't know his drinking habits and whether he abuses alcohol - that's something only the OP knows.

Hmm. Isn't it a strawman to say "foolish things", as if this case was akin to falling over a kerb/puking on someone/waking up on a floor not knowing how you got there (granted, that last one is worrying)? Those incidents are accidental and definitely an indication that someone has lost the run of themselves without any previous intent. However, how much does one REALLY lose the run of themselves when inebriated? How do you ACCIDENTALLY get into bed with someone without remembering the missus??

We're not talking about "Oh feck, I TOLD myself not to have a kebab after the club", we're talking about something serious enough to be on a list of "I know I'll never do that, even when sh1tfaced".

Neyite · 16-09-2014 10:47pm

Lets move away from the strawman debate and get back to giving the OP advice on her situation.

Mr. Loverman · 17-09-2014 8:00am

What happened can't be blamed on the alcohol. Perhaps your boyfriend was extremely drunk, but that's him being a problem drinker. It's not the alcohol.

I fear something like this could happen again. In my experience, you begin to see the "real" person after about 2 or 3 years into a relationship.

As harsh and sad as it sounds, I think you should break up with this guy. What he did is toxic.

Minera · 17-09-2014 4:22pm

I reckon that if a person f's up and then goes on to say it ment nothing......my take would be that the offender felt the relationship was worth less than nothing to them, guilt and the cold light of day only made him fess up. Get rid op people only do to you what you allow them to and if you let him away with it he will do it again or hurt you some other way! Im sorry to be harsh but he doesnt respect you or your feelings whatsoever!

Da Shins Kelly · 18-09-2014 2:44pm

kunst nugget wrote: »

You're totally strawmanning there. I'm saying there's plenty of people that do foolish things when they're plastered that they would never ever do sober because their ability to make proper decisions is completely impaired and alcohol affects everybody differently. Someone said earlier that they have woken up on the kitchen floor without knowing how they could there but they would never cheat - if they had a black-out how would they know? I don't know this guy and I don't know his drinking habits and whether he abuses alcohol - that's something only the OP knows.

Yeah, while drink does impair judgement, lowers inhibitions, etc. I still think that in order to cheat while drunk, the idea was probably in the back of his mind anyway. People don't just do random **** for no reason, even when drunk. In my experience, when people get drunk and do or say something foolish, it's usually something that's been there or thereabouts in their minds and drink just makes them braver and more likely to do/say it. There has to be some desire to carry out the action. Actions and words don't just happen out of thin air for no reason.

As for the OP, you should probably take some time to clear your mind and take a rational course of action. It an issue of trust really and whether you can see yourself getting that trust back.

vetinari · 18-09-2014 4:32pm

It's a tough decision for you to make OP.
The key question for you won't be forgiveness but whether you could trust him again.
Like someone else said, drinking to excess has different affects on people.
Your boyfriend sounds like he has a problem with alcohol.
If you're to take him back, he should be willing to seriously cut down his alcohol consumption.

LegacyUser · 19-09-2014 4:13am

I would question why he told you? Don't get me wrong it's good that he did, but some things I would also be considering:

- do you know the woman in question or is somebody you know possibly friendly or an acquaintance with her? Might this woman have inadvertently let this slip?

- who else was at this house party? Did someone catch them? Was there even a small chance this would have got back to you?

-They started having sex but stopped? Did he have sex with her or not? Pretty hard to believe that he was comfortable enough to chat and flirt and kiss his way into a foreplay or get naked situation before suddenly developing a conscience at the next natural stage.

I would question these things because it might help you decide whether he is truly remorseful and being honest with you, or has something just panicked him into thinking that you will find out anyways.

You said that after he told you, you almost ended up comforting him!
There's something very wrong about that...

He should be the one feeling remorseful and comforting you. You may need to work on your self esteem before making any decision to stay together.

heretochat · 19-09-2014 2:30pm

zxcvbnmlkjh wrote: »

- do you know the woman in question or is somebody you know possibly friendly or an acquaintance with her? Might this woman have inadvertently let this slip?

- who else was at this house party? Did someone catch them? Was there even a small chance this would have got back to you?

I have to say these were the first thoughts that entered my head as well. He wanted to get in there and tell you before someone beat him to it.

Hotman · 25-09-2014 4:38am

guttedandsad wrote: »

I have been seeing a really great guy got the last two years. We are both early 30s and this isn't out first serious relationship. On Friday night when out after a long drinking session at a house party, my boyfriend kissed and started to have sex with another person and stopped and left when he decided to stop

He came and told me this last night and was sick and shaking. I was more numb to the news than anything else and almost ended up comforting him.

This morning I feel just so sad. How the hell do I get over this. I can understand how a drunken slip can happen, but its turning my guts, absolutely making me shake and panic. I know from a pervious boyfriend how it feels when trust is broken, although that ex always hid his cheating and probably wouldn't admit to it now.

I am on a roller coaster now and cant really speak to anyone about it. He sat on the couch wheile I slept last night , I think he was afraid if he left it was it. This is just so uneeded, we were such a great couple.

Hi OP. You sound like someone who is lovely, kind and respectful. You shouldn't have to deal with this kind of scenario, I mean if you do get through this together, how are you ever going to trust him again? You won't be able to.
It's hard but, if he cheated on you, he cheated on you. Being drunk at a party is no excuse. The true you is usually who comes out when you're drinking or doing drugs, so more than likely he's had cheating on hes mind before.

If i were you, i'd drop him dead on the spot. If you let him away with "almost having sex" with someone.. it shows him weakness that you can't afford. Especially if you were planning on spending your life with this person.

Boyfreinds confession

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