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Partner's obsessive ex ruining my life

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  • 11-09-2014 2:44pm
    #1
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭


    I have been with my partner for over 3 years. She is from a different country. She has an ex girlfriend who does not live here. Her ex appears to be very unstable, possessive and hell bent on destroying our relationship. When they broke up, my partner moved here from her country and her ex followed her over, unannounced and uninvited and stayed for 3 months. During this time, she also assaulted her when she got involved with someone else. She has frequently texted/messaged my partner telling her that she still loves her and is waiting for her to return and organised visits to my partners house when she travels home to her family. Most recently, she has sent my partner provocative photos. Anyone can have a crazy ex, but its my partner's response that is troubling me. She will defend her to the end. If I tell her that her ex is crazy I am "jealous/over reacting". If her friends say it, "they dont know her" - always the same card - "we are lifelong friends". I dont want to lose my partner but I cannot spend my life being tormented by this maniac. It's as if she has some magical hold over my partner that can't be broken.

    Any ideas for how I can deal with this situation?

    Thanks


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    #2
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Honestly if your partner isn't prepared to admit that its even an issue then she is not going to do anything to change it any time soon. The fact that she puts it back on you when its brought up is unfair, especially if other people are also commenting on it, she knows that its not "just you being jealous".

    My ex had issues with an ex that he actually did accept needed sorting out but wasn't really prepared to actually do what was needed for a number of reasons so eventually i made the decision for him and left because his inaction spoke volumes tbh, my situation was different to yours but the same principle applies, if she isn't prepared to tackle the issues or doesn't view them as a problem then you either need to accept that it won't change or else leave. It was the best decision i could have made anyway.

    There are plenty ways to deal with an ex hassling you or being inappropriate but the issue here is your partner doesn't want to do anything so its your call really whether you can put up with it or not. I know you say you don't want to lose her but you're not really getting all of her to begin with if shes still entertaining her ex to such an extent are you?


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    #3
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    Tasden wrote: »
    Honestly if your partner isn't prepared to admit that its even an issue then she is not going to do anything to change it any time soon. The fact that she puts it back on you when its brought up is unfair, especially if other people are also commenting on it, she knows that its not "just you being jealous".

    My ex had issues with an ex that he actually did accept needed sorting out but wasn't really prepared to actually do what was needed for a number of reasons so eventually i made the decision for him and left because his inaction spoke volumes tbh, my situation was different to yours but the same principle applies, if she isn't prepared to tackle the issues or doesn't view them as a problem then you either need to accept that it won't change or else leave. It was the best decision i could have made anyway.

    There are plenty ways to deal with an ex hassling you or being inappropriate but the issue here is your partner doesn't want to do anything so its your call really whether you can put up with it or not. I know you say you don't want to lose her but you're not really getting all of her to begin with if shes still entertaining her ex to such an extent are you?

    I know things wont change unless I give her an ultimatum. The problem with those is you have to be ready to follow through on them. If I gave her an ultimatum and she said "ok fine off you go"? :( But I know I cant put up with this forever. I had thought about doing the same and seeing how she feels but that's childish and not very productive. Like you said, the issue is not the ex, its my partner's reaction (or lack of) to it. She told me she messaged her on facebook and told her that I wasn't happy with the photos....but even that - surely she should have said she wasn't happy with them? Again, it's being made out that I am creating the issue when it is those two who are being unreasonable.


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    #4
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    I know things wont change unless I give her an ultimatum. The problem with those is you have to be ready to follow through on them. If I gave her an ultimatum and she said "ok fine off you go"? :( But I know I cant put up with this forever. I had thought about doing the same and seeing how she feels but that's childish and not very productive. Like you said, the issue is not the ex, its my partner's reaction (or lack of) to it. She told me she messaged her on facebook and told her that I wasn't happy with the photos....but even that - surely she should have said she wasn't happy with them? Again, it's being made out that I am creating the issue when it is those two who are being unreasonable.

    Honestly, I don't believe in ultimatums. If you have to force her to take action (by saying I'll leave if you don't) its just as bad as her taking no action, because its not really her making that choice, its you forcing her to, if you get me? I didn't give my ex an ultimatum, he either wanted to take action or he didn't- he didn't so I left. You cant be the one to force her to do something by making ultimatums because shes going to be doing it for the wrong reasons. And anyway hypothetically speaking, if you were to give her an ultimatum and she just said ok off you go then surely that shows where her priorities lie?


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    #5
    OldNotWIse
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,468 ✭✭✭✭OldNotWIse


    Tasden wrote: »
    Honestly, I don't believe in ultimatums. If you have to force her to take action (by saying I'll leave if you don't) its just as bad as her taking no action, because its not really her making that choice, its you forcing her to, if you get me? I didn't give my ex an ultimatum, he either wanted to take action or he didn't- he didn't so I left. You cant be the one to force her to do something by making ultimatums because shes going to be doing it for the wrong reasons. And anyway hypothetically speaking, if you were to give her an ultimatum and she just said ok off you go then surely that shows where her priorities lie?

    Feck yeah you're right :(

    So I dont really have any choice but to leave then, because she has already made her stance clear by her inaction :(


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    #6
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    OldNotWIse wrote: »
    Feck yeah you're right :(

    So I dont really have any choice but to leave then, because she has already made her stance clear by her inaction :(

    Honestly, I don't know. Like i said a similar thing was going on with my ex (among other things too) and I wasn't really prepared to stick around especially when he acknowledged the problem but wasn't doing anything to rectify it. In your case she is making you feel bad for having concerns, and putting the blame back on you so that kind of indicates to me that she has no intentions of even accepting there is an issue nevermind deal with them. She is doing her best to actually deny there is any problem. And is kind of ignoring and adding to your hurt feelings in the process by saying the issue is in your head or what have you :(

    Its your decision and you know best really, go with your gut, I've learned you can pretty much always trust your gut instinct on these things and any time I've gone against it I've regretted it.


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    #7
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

    You partner is not acting reasonably. If she was committed to your relationship 100%, she would sever ties with the ex and focus on you especially when the ex is causing so much trouble.


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