Why we treat those closest to us the worse?

LegacyUser · 26-05-2009 8:48pm #1

Just wondering if anyone can answer this question...why we treat the people we are closer to more badly than others. For example me and another guy work in a large department where one of our very best friends also works. Outside work we get on terrific, go away for alot of weekends, drinking , go to each others house and always there for each other no matter what. However in work this girl is actually more aggressive and critical to us than any of the other staff, sometimes talks to us like sh*t, pulls us up on small issues and always very quick to point out when we havent done something right. we are all on the same level by the way. She is fine with those who are not that friendly with her but can be very abrupt to us. I never say anything back as I dont want to risk losing a friend or falling out so I take it all on the chin and get on with it as I know that once 5 oclock comes she will be a different person. There is a promotion coming up soon which she may end up getting so maybe she will change then. Just find it frustrating why she would be so quick to snap at us and take out her bad mood but doesnt do it to anyone else, do we all really treat our closest friends and family worse than others and if so why?

LegacyUser · 26-05-2009 10:00pm

A very wise woman once told me that we hurt those closest to us cause we know that no matter what we do or say and no matter how much it might hurt them, they will be there unconditionally because they are the people closest to us.

pookie82 · 26-05-2009 10:51pm

I think it's to do with the same reason I would bite the head off my mum/boyfriend after a bad day at work but would never dare talk to an aquaintance/work mate like that. You do it when you know you can reasonably "get away with it" and they'll still be there afterwards. If you feel like you'll offend someone to the point of no return or do real damage to a friendship by speaking like that, you'll think twice before doing it.

Plus we're usually "comfortable" enough to show our true feelings more freely around a loved one than a stranger.

The situation you describe sounds like one of two things, or maybe both. a) your mate doesn't want to be seen to overly favour you during work hours due to your friendship outside of work, so she over compensates by putting you down more (though this sounds more suitable to an instance where she is "above" you), or b) she knows/ thinks you'll take her criticisms with a pinch of salt and vents more in your presence.

Friendship or no, if it's unbearable have a quiet chat with her and ask her to ease up. She might not realise how harsh she is being.

Aurora Borealis · 27-05-2009 5:17am

I think it's because we expect them to know us better and therefore understand what it is we're feeling and why we might be acting the way we are.

Overheal · 27-05-2009 5:29am

Comfortability of expression, in this case. Its easier to criticize a friend than a complete stranger. When talking with someone you are familiar with it is much easier to dispense with pretense and get to the point of what you are trying to say.

As for how you're handling that I think its a mistake. Not reacting to it, enables the behavior. She criticizes, you back down. She criticizes, you back down. How do you think that will change when she is in a position of superiority/dominance over you? You're inviting trouble.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2009 12:49pm

Agree with all of the above but Overheal is right. You are letting her get away with it and she will continue to.

She seems to have acted this way enough times to warrant you approaching her on the matter.

I have been in business for many years and people will walk all over you if you let them. Stand up for yourself. You will command more respect. She is not even your boss.

LegacyUser · 27-05-2009 2:29pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Just wondering if anyone can answer this question...why we treat the people we are closer to more badly than others. For example me and another guy work in a large department where one of our very best friends also works. Outside work we get on terrific, go away for alot of weekends, drinking , go to each others house and always there for each other no matter what. However in work this girl is actually more aggressive and critical to us than any of the other staff, sometimes talks to us like sh*t, pulls us up on small issues and always very quick to point out when we havent done something right. we are all on the same level by the way. She is fine with those who are not that friendly with her but can be very abrupt to us. I never say anything back as I dont want to risk losing a friend or falling out so I take it all on the chin and get on with it as I know that once 5 oclock comes she will be a different person. There is a promotion coming up soon which she may end up getting so maybe she will change then. Just find it frustrating why she would be so quick to snap at us and take out her bad mood but doesnt do it to anyone else, do we all really treat our closest friends and family worse than others and if so why?

sometimes I can be overcritical, aggressive to people close to me because I know they can do better, in my head I'm helping them. like how can you [people close to me] be so stupid to do that ? do you never learn ? .....

Oh The Humanity · 27-05-2009 4:33pm

Unregistered wrote: »

sometimes I can be overcritical, aggressive to people close to me because I know they can do better, in my head I'm helping them. like how can you be so stupid to do that ? do you never learn ? .....

Yes, you think you are 'helping' them but the question is, can you take it as well as you give it?
Because if not then re-consider this behaviour!

Thats the litmus test, constructive criticism is all very well but you have to realise its a two way street. Most people have blind spots to their own imperfections so instead of lecturing others who are too polite to put you in your place, maybe reflect on ways you can improve your personal interactions!

Becuase its awful to be thought of as an insufferable 'know it all' by your own friends and family eh?

OP, this girl too needs to be put in her place. She is using the fact that you two wont say anything to her to boss ye around. She stupidly thinks this will impress the bosses who are in charge of handing out the promotion.

Ha! I wouldn't bring on someone who feels the need to denigrate their own friends in work in the mistaken belief they would impress me! In fact I would make a point of NOT picking them.

By allowing her to get away with it, you are creating a monster. Tell her to put a sock in it OP!

LegacyUser · 30-05-2009 7:38pm

Shes obviously a bully, thats what bullies do they get close to people then bully them.

Schumacher1 · 31-05-2009 12:40pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Agree with all of the above but Overheal is right. You are letting her get away with it and she will continue to.

She seems to have acted this way enough times to warrant you approaching her on the matter.

I have been in business for many years and people will walk all over you if you let them. Stand up for yourself. You will command more respect. She is not even your boss.

life is very simple, you treat people as they treat you. if people are blunt arseholes then be a blunt arsehole back.

remember that not every relationship is worth the same effort

you are equals in work, speak to her in exactly the same manner she speaks to you in next time she starts.

Why we treat those closest to us the worse?

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