Rights of Ex Husband

poppy_crystal · 23-09-2015 10:43am #1

earlier this year my husband left the family home after i having started judicial proceedings 2 years ago. at the time he moved out he agreed to a separation agreement and judicial proceedings were halted. however, i started seeing someone and now my ex is telling me that i am not to have anyone at the house, that he will kill anyone who is near his children etc etc etc. I've been to the guards, my solicitor is very against taking further action against my ex, which i cannot understand because he has not informed me that I am in the wrong in this. What rights does he have to tell me who may come and go to my house, does he have any? his name is not on the house, he is not abiding by the terms of the agreement AND he had my home watched by his friends and was driving by constantly to check who was there until the gardai were brought in. its been an appropriate time frame in my eyes, i've been seeing my new parter for 6 months and i would like my partner to meet my children as my friend for now. I'm worried for my new partner that he will bear the brunt of my ex but i also feel if my ex was any more than talk he'd have done something by now anyway as he heard through the individuals he had following me when i started seeing someone new and has harassed me since. I cannot deal with too much more of this, he is also seeing new people, and takes his children when it suits his and his womens plans. I dont know what to do and I really want to grow a pair and stand up to him once and for all but i'm terrified he will find a loophole to hang me on but if i'm in the right then i'm going to finally stand up to him

Ken. · 23-09-2015 10:54am

Your ex husband has no rights to tell you who you can and can't see. If you want to bring someone into your children's lives that's your right too. Talk to your solicitor about safety orders and barring orders.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders.html

Safety order
A safety order is an order of the court which prohibits the violent person from further violence or threats of violence. It does not oblige the person to leave the family home. If the person is not living with you it prohibits them from watching or being near your home. A safety order can last up to 5 years.

Barring order
A barring order is an order which requires the violent person to leave the family home. The order also prohibits the person from further violence or threats of violence, and from watching or being near your home. A barring order can last up to 3 years.

Applying for an order
To get a barring order or a safety order you must attend a District Court hearing. While you are waiting for the court to hear your application, the court can give you an immediate order called a protection order. The protection order has the same effect as a safety order. In exceptional circumstances the court can grant an interim barring order. This is an immediate order, requiring the violent person to leave the family home.

The safety order or the barring order can be renewed by applying for a further order before the previous one has expired.

The court will grant an order where it believes that your safety or welfare, or the safety or welfare of a dependant, requires that an order is granted. Under the legislation, welfare includes both physical and psychological welfare.

myshirt · 23-09-2015 11:25am

There is what is strictly law, and there is what is actually practical and viable. Much law applicable to your scenario. But not all of it is practical for you. Not all of it is a viable option. I'd say to you focus on the issue, not on the law. The law will follow.

Could I suggest that the most sensible thing you do is offer your husband a chance to meet your partner. Ask the both of them to behave. But certainly don't just plain bring this man into your kids lives off your own bat. They are your husbands kids too. And that is their home. Not their house. Their home.

Equally, it is the family home until you are divorced, just to mention in passing.

From what you wrote, I would suspect that your husband absolutely couldn't give a flying f#ck about you personally and whether you were having orgies weekend after weekend. You need to drive this home in your head 1 million percent and move on. It very much appears it is the kids he appears worried about, and I think that is quite legitimate. Focus on resolving the issue in a practical and viable way, not through looking to exercise the law to your advantage. It is not a game. Play it as a game and everyone loses in this scenario, whether you believe it or not. And most of all the kids.

shihtzuireland · 23-09-2015 11:40am

myshirt wrote: »

There is what is strictly law, and there is what is actually practical and viable. Much law applicable to your scenario. But not all of it is practical for you. Not all of it is a viable option. I'd say to you focus on the issue, not on the law. The law will follow.

Could I suggest that the most sensible thing you do is offer your husband a chance to meet your partner. Ask the both of them to behave. But certainly don't just plain bring this man into your kids lives off your own bat. They are your husbands kids too. And that is their home. Not their house. Their home.

Equally, it is the family home until you are divorced, just to mention in passing.

From what you wrote, I would suspect that your husband absolutely couldn't give a flying f#ck about you personally and whether you were having orgies weekend after weekend. You need to drive this home in your head 1 million percent and move on. It very much appears it is the kids he appears worried about, and I think that is quite legitimate. Focus on resolving the issue in a practical and viable way, not through looking to exercise the law to your advantage. It is not a game. Play it as a game and everyone loses in this scenario, whether you believe it or not. And most of all the kids.

The women is trying to move on & I do not believe she is playing games. If the house is in your name then he has no rights at all but since he moved out you can have anyone you wish in the house.
No-one can tell you that you can/cannot meet another guy as the o/p has suggested.
I would not suggest you get the two guys to meet as I feel this would heighten the anger your ex feels.

Take care of yourself & your kids, get a barring order. This women is scared & the op is telling her not to play games? I would suggest a visit women aid who will also be able to advise what to do going forward & also how to deal with this issue on a personal level.

I did go through all this with my ex.

myshirt · 23-09-2015 12:01pm

shihtzuireland wrote: »

I would not suggest you get the two guys to meet as I feel this would heighten the anger your ex feels.

I do think they should meet. They could meet in a public area. I doubt a fight would break out. The op's husband only appears to be sabre-rattling. It is the kids he is worried about. If he meets this new chap, it somewhat eases the 'unknown' - and it is the unknown that is the problem I feel. 100% you have to meet the man who is proposed to be brought into your kids life. All parties here need to behave like adults.

<Mod Snip - poster don't repeat this type of post in this forum again. It verges on victim blaming and is not on at all. - Taltos>

Ken. · 23-09-2015 12:11pm

Why give your ex that power. Almost like she has to get his approval. If she has 10 relationships between now and the children reaching 18 are they all to be vetted by the ex. The only thing I would say to the op is that if and when the ex meets someone new she can't ask to vet that woman.

shihtzuireland · 23-09-2015 12:12pm

snipped

That has nothing to do with this, they DO NOT live in the same house, so if she wishes to bring home a man then it is her business & not anyone else including that of her ex.

He is trying to control her from afar & I have seen first hand what this can escalate too if it is not dealt with asap.

I wish my ex went off with another women, would have made my life so much easier than dealing with him back then.

myshirt · 23-09-2015 12:31pm

ken wrote: »

Why give your ex that power. Almost like she has to get his approval. If she has 10 relationships between now and the children reaching 18 are they all to be vetted by the ex. The only thing I would say to the op is that if and when the ex meets someone new she can't ask to vet that woman.

He has to meet the guy with a view on sussing him out character wise, with a view on the protection of his kids. Anything beyond that is none of his business, but they are his kids remember, and you need to know who is around your kids. This guy could be a serial rapist for all we know. Presumably not. But it is always sensible to go man to man across the table and have a chat.

I'd be very suspicious of a guy who would not do that. It's not decent.

poppy_crystal · 23-09-2015 1:51pm

my ex wont meet anyone, i have suggested it, he thought no one would ever want me because he had me ruined, he had bullied and abused my self worth and i'm getting it back and thats killing him. his interest in the children is actually very limited. he takes them as little as he possibly can and trying to get maintenance out of him is torture! he has said countless times i trapped him by having children. but in front of people he will big it up about what a brilliant father he is but the kids go mad when i tell them that they are going to their dads when it comes up. my friends have heard him blow his father of the year trumpet and would also tell you a similar story, he was never there for any of us, i've been in the childrens ward with one of mine for 2 days before he answered a phone because he didn't want to leave the girl he was with that weekend even though his child was ill enough to be admitted. and i never stop access ever, i'm not out to replace him and end of the day they are his kids and he has a responsibility to them but he's choosing to only be responsible when it suits him and thats not very often. its control with him and i have been advised that i need to grow a pair and stand up to him because if i dont then he will exercise control for as long as i allow him. obviously i would not be introducing anyone i had any doubts about, nor would i be leaving him alone with the kids, i'm not dating someone with the intention of him babysitting, and i have introduced him to my immediate family so they have gotten to know him and they are all of the opinion that he would be a good positive influence on my kids life as he has been on mine. i would love to have the guts to stand up to him but i'm still terrified of him. he can frighten the life out of me without raising a hand

shihtzuireland · 23-09-2015 2:12pm

That sounds like me 10 years ago, it does get easier & I would suggest that you go to women aid to get advise.

On the maintains issue I would be bring him to court & get an order that say that he has to pay through the court & in-turn the court will send the money to you & if he misses a payment then its on record.

I've had counselling to help me overcome the fear that I had with my ex in regards & that it was not my fault that he hit & bully me, so maybe this may be an option for you.

Be strong & do not be scared as he is only as strong of a bully as you let him be.

poppy_crystal · 23-09-2015 2:28pm

shihtzuireland wrote: »

That sounds like me 10 years ago, it does get easier & I would suggest that you go to women aid to get advise.

On the maintains issue I would be bring him to court & get an order that say that he has to pay through the court & in-turn the court will send the money to you & if he misses a payment then its on record.

I've had counselling to help me overcome the fear that I had with my ex in regards & that it was not my fault that he hit & bully me, so maybe this may be an option for you.

Be strong & do not be scared as he is only as strong of a bully as you let him be.

thank you! its fear a lot of people dont understand, yes he's gone but he changes your thinking and then still plays mind games with you because he knows he has instilled fear. i am getting counselling but still have a way to go, but a lot of it is finding the courage in me to stand up to him

shihtzuireland · 23-09-2015 2:34pm

poppy_crystal wrote: »

thank you! its fear a lot of people dont understand, yes he's gone but he changes your thinking and then still plays mind games with you because he knows he has instilled fear. i am getting counselling but still have a way to go, but a lot of it is finding the courage in me to stand up to him

Yes I totally get that & if one more person said to me why did you take it or why didnt you just hit him back Ill scream.

People do not get the fear that you have of that person as that person has grind ed you to nothing over the years,

One thing I will say is to stand up to him in little steps and go through the courts for maintains & assess so you do not have to deal with him on your own.

Yes it will prop get dirty with him saying all sort about you but the Judges wont entertain that. Legal aid lawyers are excellent.

poppy_crystal · 23-09-2015 3:11pm

shihtzuireland wrote: »

Yes I totally get that & if one more person said to me why did you take it or why didnt you just hit him back Ill scream.

People do not get the fear that you have of that person as that person has grind ed you to nothing over the years,

One thing I will say is to stand up to him in little steps and go through the courts for maintains & assess so you do not have to deal with him on your own.

Yes it will prop get dirty with him saying all sort about you but the Judges wont entertain that. Legal aid lawyers are excellent.

exactly! why not pack up his stuff and change the locks, do this, do that, if i were you, but you dont actually understand if you arent there. unfortunately bitter experience has shown that standing up in little steps doesn't work because he cops on and puts me firmly back in my box. when i stood up to him about breaking up it took getting a summons to finally get my message across, but it was a big stand up and took a lot out of me to summon that courage but after the fact the relief that overcame me brought me back down to earth with a wallop when i realised the controlling was happening from afar again. I think i am going to have to go all guns blazing and stand up for myself. I will go to court for my maintenance and access, what he chooses to do about access after that will be his problem, i'll never let my kids say that i was the reason they didn't see their dad.

irish gent · 23-09-2015 3:36pm

Hi poppy, get a barring order made up but let him see his kids somewhere else but not at your house..and yes you have to sort this out in a court settle this once and for all.. for your own sake and peace of mind .

poppy_crystal · 23-09-2015 3:56pm

irish gent wrote: »

Hi poppy, get a barring order made up but let him see his kids somewhere else but not at your house..and yes you have to sort this out in a court settle this once and for all.. for your own sake and peace of mind .

I know I will be in court again, but my solicitor has advised that I won't get a batting order because I'm not in physical danger, that I should just stop being a baba n stand up to the emotional abuse. My reading into barring orders is emotional abuse is offence enough but I am unsure is my solicitor lazy or right!

shihtzuireland · 23-09-2015 3:59pm

poppy_crystal wrote: »

I know I will be in court again, but my solicitor has advised that I won't get a batting order because I'm not in physical danger, that I should just stop being a baba n stand up to the emotional abuse. My reading into barring orders is emotional abuse is offence enough but I am unsure is my solicitor lazy or right!

Have you legal aid or private solicitor?, if you feel in danger then you are within your rights to get a barring order, protective order or safety order. You do not need a solicitor to get one of these.

I got a barring order without a solicitor.

Btw, I would look to change solicitors if that what they are saying to you

secondrowgal · 23-09-2015 4:28pm

poppy_crystal wrote: »

I know I will be in court again, but my solicitor has advised that I won't get a batting order because I'm not in physical danger, that I should just stop being a baba n stand up to the emotional abuse. My reading into barring orders is emotional abuse is offence enough but I am unsure is my solicitor lazy or right!

First step - new solicitor poppy. You are being so strong and brave and you don't need this kind of ****e to deal with on top of everything else!

poppy_crystal · 23-09-2015 4:58pm

secondrowgal wrote: »

First step - new solicitor poppy. You are being so strong and brave and you don't need this kind of ****e to deal with on top of everything else!

Private solicitor, I had to wait for legal aid at the time and needed to get the ball rolling once I decided this is what I wanted, I've been thinking about changing solicitors recently, I think mine is lazy more so and I'm dealing with a man who will do whatever he needs to do to get his way. I've been eying up a new solicitor who is doesn't do family law only in particularly nasty separations and now I'm definitely convinced my solicitor isnt operating for my best interests. He convinced me to back down in lots of areas of my agreement to get it done quickly but I'm still no better off for it

Rights of Ex Husband

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