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dunno if its worth it

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  • 22-03-2015 10:45pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    First off I'm a woman in my forties, so not the best catch going :)

    I've been with my current partner almost seven years, and while he's never been one for planning stuff for us recently he's gotten worse.

    In all that time, we've never (apart from 3 short breaks I planned and paid for) gone on a holiday, and seven years later, there is no planning even on a weekly basis.

    I travel a lot for work, but stay home as much as I can even commuting to Belfast daily from Dublin to be home in the evening.

    I try to plan stuff so we have an idea of what we are doing.
    Today was his birthday, and we'd planned to go out for dinner with his children at 5pm.
    He fell asleep at 4pm and woke up so that we were half an hour late.

    Coming back he started on about this week, as he booked a weeks leave without telling me, and made plans presuming I was doing x when I'm doing y.

    He then lost the plot entirely, started shouting at me in front of his children and hasn't spoken to me since.

    He never plans and rarely talks to me about what he is doing, whereas I have to be highly organised with the travel I do.

    He also never tells me what is going on in his life so I find stuff out after the fact

    I've kinda gotten to the point where I think I'm nice to have around as a partner, but have no real role/relationship here.

    I realise at my age it will be ****ty to find myself single, but am at the stage of wondering why I bother staying with a man I now see as a bully and an egotist?


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    #2
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,582 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    not sure I can take this anymore wrote: »
    First off I'm a woman in my forties, so not the best catch going :)

    I realise at my age it will be ****ty to find myself single, but am at the stage of wondering why I bother staying with a man I now see as a bully and an egotist?

    First and foremost, stop selling yourself short.
    You're a woman in your 40s, not your 90s!
    It sounds like you're settling because you're afraid you'll never meet anyone else?
    I'm separated, mid 40s and I'd rather never meet anyone than be with a man who treated me shabbily.
    You deserve better, start believing that.

    About this partner of yours.
    Do you even love him? Does he bring anything positive to your relationship?
    From your post, it seems he was always rather laid back and not forward thinking - therefore, he's hardly gonna change at this stage.
    Personally speaking, I'd never tolerate anyone - let alone a partner - shouting at me like that.

    Don't you think you deserve better?
    I think you do.


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    #3
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    not sure I can take this anymore wrote: »
    am at the stage of wondering why I bother staying with a man I now see as a bully and an egotist?

    I think you've answered your own question here!! What does this man bring to your life besides being able to say you're in a relationship rather than single in your 40s? Would that really be worse?! 40s are the new 30s, get out there and enjoy yourself and meet someone who really appreciates you!


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    #4
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    not sure I can take this anymore wrote: »

    First off I'm a woman in my forties, so not the best catch going :)

    I've kinda gotten to the point where I think I'm nice to have around as a partner, but have no real role/relationship here.

    I realise at my age it will be ****ty to find myself single, but am at the stage of wondering

    why I bother staying with a man I now see as a bully and an egotist?


    Because you are insecure, afraid of being single and are using him for security, that’s not the basis for a good relationship.
    There is a lot of resentment in your post, calling him an egotist and a bully is a bit harsh. Your reasons for being with him are hardly noble, you don’t even like him as a person! Maybe stop seeing yourself as such a victim and using him as a security blanket. That’s not love and it is as much your responsibility as his. Seeing yourself as some kind of aging desperado defined by your relationships is going to mean other people will see that as well esp your partner.

    It makes me wonder when someone starts their RI OP with a statement about how they might find it hard to find another partner. Imagine how he feels knowing your are with him because you feel you can’t do better.
    You would probably do very well to be single and learn to be more self-sufficient to be happy in yourself.

    Wouldn't you want your partner to be with because they appreciate you and want to be with you, not because they think they can't do much better?


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    #5
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. Her partner doesn't seem to appreciate her and could well be with her because it's convenient for him.

    Relationships are supposed to be 50:50. I'm a woman in my 40s too so I know how hard it is to meet someone and how we can be tempted to put that little bit extra into the relationship from our side. However you seem to be putting in 95% and he's putting in 5% (his presence). If you were putting in 60% and he was putting in 40% it would be a different story.

    I think you would be better off on your own. It won't be easy but by the sounds of things it won't be much harder than staying in your current situation.

    If you really want a man in your life, why not consider this for a solution (only joking but it might give you a laugh) :D

    http://suzanneheintz.com/life-once-removed/


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    #6
    Tresra
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4 ✭Tresra


    It seems to be like you don'the like him very much, it's unfair to be with someone you don'the like.


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    #7
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Emme wrote: »

    Relationships are supposed to be 50:50. I'm a woman in my 40s too so I know how hard it is to meet someone and how we can be tempted to put that little bit extra into the relationship from our side. However you seem to be putting in 95% and he's putting in 5% (his presence). If you were putting in 60% and he was putting in 40% it would be a different story.

    ]

    If you are putting more effort into the relationship because of your age and not because of how you feel about the person, then no relationship is going to be good or last...is 60/40 ok because you think over 40 is past your sell by date?

    Don't mean to focus on your advise Emme but think its relevant to OP because you both have the same view with that regard. If you feel good about yourself and don't settle for less than you want you have a big advantage over someone the same age (any age) attracting the relationship you want. The number is far less important than the right attitude.


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    #8
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    daisybelle2008 wrote: »
    If you are putting more effort into the relationship because of your age and not because of how you feel about the person, then no relationship is going to be good or last...is 60/40 ok because you think over 40 is past your sell by date?

    Don't mean to focus on your advise Emme but think its relevant to OP because you both have the same view with that regard. If you feel good about yourself and don't settle for less than you want you have a big advantage over someone the same age (any age) attracting the relationship you want. The number is far less important than the right attitude.

    Obviously I would be putting more effort into the relationship because of how I would feel about the person. Perhaps he might feel the same way.

    I agree about not settling for less at any age but realistically speaking when you're at a demographical disadvantage in the dating market (i.e. a woman over 40 or a man under 25) you have to be prepared to put in that little bit extra effort to stand out from the crowd. That does not mean you have to be a doormat.


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    #9
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    Emme wrote: »
    Obviously I would be putting more effort into the relationship because of how I would feel about the person. Perhaps he might feel the same way.

    I agree about not settling for less at any age but realistically speaking when you're at a demographical disadvantage in the dating market (i.e. a woman over 40 or a man under 25) you have to be prepared to put in that little bit extra effort to stand out from the crowd. That does not mean you have to be a doormat.

    I can kind of see where you are coming from but I really can’t see the upside or how you would attract good people & experiences thinking like that. I dunno I think you are putting yourself at a big disadvantage by thinking you need to put more effort in because of your age/society/etc. I think I would end up very depressed and unhappy if I thought like that way, but whatever works for you. I am not knocking your opinion; it just wouldn’t work for me, everyone is different.


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    #10
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    I feel like you might have posted about this relationship before, OP. I'm not asking you to confirm whether or not you have, but I feel like if you've started more than one thread about issues with this relationship, then it's a very clear sign that you're not happy and that the relationship isn't working. It's been 7 years - is anything going to change at this stage? What are you gaining from staying? How's your relationship with his kids, for instance?

    Actually, all of that doesn't matter. As long as you see him "as a bully and an egotist", the relationship is rotten.


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    #11
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users Posts: 4,223 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    Emme wrote: »
    Obviously I would be putting more effort into the relationship because of how I would feel about the person. Perhaps he might feel the same way.

    I agree about not settling for less at any age but realistically speaking when you're at a demographical disadvantage in the dating market (i.e. a woman over 40 or a man under 25) you have to be prepared to put in that little bit extra effort to stand out from the crowd. That does not mean you have to be a doormat.

    Isnt this more a case of what people look for changing. So an average guy with a good job is more attractive in his thirties and over because of his financial situation where men rarely judge womem on their income. Then if she wants kids she has a smaller window to find a partner too.


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    #12
    greengirl31
    Registered Users Posts: 416 ✭✭greengirl31


    Get Out now ... You're not happy and there seems to be no mutual respect there.

    I know you're concerned about your age but dont't write yourself off ..... and would it be the end of the world if you're on your own for a bit. And when you think about it ... Forever is a long time when you're happy but it's an eternity if you're miserable !!


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