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OH's surprise

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  • 19-03-2015 2:35am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I hope this isn't a long post, but here goes:

    A bit of background info: We're both in our late 20s, I've a pretty average job, she's studying. A few days ago, my OH was talking to me and asked what I thought of our relationship. I told her that we had our ups and downs but with a bit of work we could get through it, and followed up asking why. Ended up getting a massive speech about how she feels like she doesn't treat me right, I deserve better, that she feels like she can't handle a relationship now with all of her studies and how she needs time to think things through. This came from nowhere (things haven't always been easy, but we've gotten past it) and really took me by surprise. I protested, saying that her studies were difficult but it was just a matter of priorities, that we could work it out. She was adamant though that this was the best thing for us both.
    I feel sort of terrible, sure she's been having a tough time lately with all the work she has to do (it's nearing year's end) but I can't help feel like this was an unwelcome surprise and that she's setting me up for a fall. It feels sort of selfish tbh, I've never pressured her into doing anything, I've always been aware of her workload, always made allowances for it and always worked around it. We had fun, it hasn't always been easy with work hours and assignments, but we made things work. It just kind of seems like an excuse - I say this because she took a longish trip about a month ago with some friends down the country, expensive and all, despite the workload that bled over into the following weeks, that I think is causing this overreaction now. I'm feeling confused and kind of scared, anyone have any experience with something like this?


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    #2
    power pants
    Registered Users Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭power pants


    Sorry to say this op but I think she wants to finish with you and the studies whilst might be partially true, is more an excuse to not hurt you.


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    #3
    Oink
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,151 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    power pants wrote: »
    Sorry to say this op but I think she wants to finish with you and the studies whilst might be partially true, is more an excuse to not hurt you.

    I agree. Sorry OP.


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    #4
    whiskeyman
    Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    How long are you guys going out?
    Do you live together?
    As you're both late 20s, have you talked about your future prior to this?


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    power pants wrote: »
    Sorry to say this op but I think she wants to finish with you and the studies whilst might be partially true, is more an excuse to not hurt you.

    Sorry OP, I have to agree too. Sounds like maybe she got a reminder of how fun single life is when she went away recently and now wants out of this relationship. I've been there before. I'd advise giving her lots of space. Any texts/calls / general neediness are likely to push her away further.


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    #6
    Typer Monkey
    Registered Users Posts: 941 ✭✭✭Typer Monkey


    Sorry OP but I agree with the others. That was her breaking up with you and that was her reason or 'excuse'. Sometimes when breaking up with someone a person attempts to ease the pain a bit by making it about them. You've probably heard the 'it's not you, it's me' cliche? You got a version of that.

    I think it's pretty cowardly myself and leads to confusion and just prolongs the pain. I think it's a much fairer approach to tell the person that you're really sorry but you're just not in love with them anymore and you don't want to be with them any longer. But some people take the easier (for them), less honest approach. She probably feels like she's protecting you somewhat and cushioning the blow but essentially it's about her feeling a bit less like the bad guy.

    Sorry OP :(


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here.

    I'm inclined to agree, the issue is that she wants 'time' to think about us, says she still loves me and the like and that she doesn't want to upset me, that she's not considering 'breaking up' as such, just that she needs time to think, she needs space. Though she used some version of 'it's not you, it's me' as some way of cushioning the blow. Says she needs a couple of weeks to sort her head out, but I don't honestly know if that's fair.

    We're together almost 3 years, we talked about moving in together by years end of early next year.


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    #8
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    Sounds like she wants to break up but doesn't want to hurt you or for you to hate her so she thinks she's letting you down gently but actually she's not really being fair, as another poster said she's prolonging the hurt and just causing confusion. She probably doesn't mean to, it's probably a misguided way of trying to hurt you less.

    Maybe she doesn't realise how it sounds.. but do you really want to be with someone who has to take time to think about whether they want to be with you after 3 years together?!

    Sorry OP.


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    #9
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    whybothernow wrote: »
    OP here.

    Says she needs a couple of weeks to sort her head out, but I don't honestly know if that's fair.

    Nope, it's not fair.

    In all honesty, a 'break' is, in the vast majority of cases, a precursor to a break-up.

    Ultimately, if she loved you, she'd want to be with you. Even if she was busy and going through a bad time, she could have asked for space to get her head togethed and assured you that she wants to be with you. Instead, she wants time to think about the relationship.

    So, what next? She expects you to sit around wondering what's happening, at her beck and call whenever she's decided? You're not a doormat, so don't let her use you as one.

    It's very simple - she either wants you or she doesn't. If she cannot decide that now, the answer is that she doesn't.


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    #10
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    By asking for space she is cushioning the fall. The space will extend past 2 or 3 weeks. She will keep in contact with you because she'll want to believe you can still be friends and she hasn't really hurt you by breaking up with you. And bit by bit her contact with you will fade, as other things take over in her life: New friends, new hobbies, more freedom etc. As a previous poster mentioned she sees you as an "option" if things don't go as she planned, without you.

    I honestly believe by the time someone brings up the "I think we should take a break" conversation they have thought about it for a long time. Usually months. And they have already made up their mind that they want out.

    Let her have her "break", but don't sit around waiting for her to come back to you. Go out, enjoy yourself, don't stop yourself meeting others. If you end up meeting someone else who you have an even better relationship with, then great. Nothing lost. Or, if the break makes you both realise that you do want to be together, then great. Nothing lost.

    You can't force her to stay when she's already edging her way out. But you are under no obligation to "wait" for her to decide if she still wants to be with you.


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    #11
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    I'm with the rest on this, I think she just wants out, whether she's just out of love or whatever, and is just using the studies thing as a convenient reason.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here again. Thanks all for the posts, they're helpful.

    She says she just needs a bit over a week to think about things and get her priorities in order, but I'm almost sure she's heading for a breakup. It's been pretty obvious the last few weeks, there were a few arguements from nowhere - mostly due to her causing hassle for no reason - but it really makes sense now. She talked about needing this, but it really feels like a dead end and I can't have peace of mind, regardless of the outcome, with someone who's so incapable of dealing with their emotional situation. I will say that people are correct, I'm a priority, not an option, but it looks like that's reached it's final conclusion.

    It feels really rough, but it's not like I didn't see this coming. There have been a number of changes in her family situation I've been completely unaware of and she's not been making time for me - this extends to other people too, all who feel the same level of neglect, so it's nice to not feel alone.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP you know what is coming.

    Why not take back some level of control (and decorum!!) and take the choice away from her.
    Simple say this break / assessment time forget it.
    You have been doing some of your own thinking and you're not playing second fiddle to anything and its finished.

    Passively waiting for someone to give you the bullet is not attractive.
    Time to put yourself first!


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP again.

    I'm taking the time, decided to take the option because right now I'm drained from this whole thing. I know what's coming but honestly the quiet will be nice and I can rest and relax from this whole thing. Then I'll deal with the inevitable soon enough. At the moment though it's better for me to take some time for myself and do what I want to do.


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    #15
    irishdude11
    Registered Users Posts: 377 ✭✭irishdude11


    You'll learn from this, and one thing you'll learn is that when someone puts it up to you like that you tell them YOU are done with the relationship, you don't hand them your balls on a plate to do with as they choose. She'd respect you alot more for that than the way you are acting now...hanging around waiting to see if you've got the bullet, totally out of your control.


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    #16
    ahnow
    Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭ahnow


    OP, I went through something similar last year, and I would say that down the line, just for your own self, you will appreciate yourself a lot more if you take back control. From a psychological point of view it will help later on that you can look back and say, well I stood up for myself and at least I respected myself enough not to let myself be treated so badly.
    A text message to her would be enough, after three years and she's putting you on the long finger like this-it's bad.


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP again.

    To be honest it's really not about control for me at the minute, I'm just mentally and physically drained - mostly because of a few different things health-wise - and it makes it difficult to even focus. I do agree that the length of time we've been together should mean that if there was any trouble, we should be able to talk about it in a mature, up-front way because I deserve a lot better than that treatment (something that she had been talking about). But I don't feel like, in my current state, jumping into this for the purposes of 'control' is the best course of action. If I feel like this is going on too long, or I feel like there's an unreasonable and cowardly attempt to extend the time-frame then I'll take control, but right now - if this is the way she reacts to stresses in her life - it's better for me if I steer clear, because nothing good can come of this situation when she couldn't even coherently explain to me her reasoning.


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    #18
    derrick.bl
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭derrick.bl


    I agree with what these people are telling you and sorry it is happening.
    However, forewarned is for-armed and you can prepare yourself or better yet, like a few mentioned, do the breaking-up yourself.
    The person is right, she may respect you more if you break-up before her.
    Don't wait for her but as you said, chill and relax a bit then meet new girls and enjoy yourself. When you do, don't act like you were dumped or just ended a relationship and don't act needy. If a woman feels your needy then they take-off. Putting your best and masculine foot forward works to meet new women and helps keep a good internal feeling about your life.
    Taking a break after a long trip with friends probably means that there is a different guy. Usually, there is.
    Many times it seems the best thing is to meet other people and enjoy yourself and don't get into all the emotional drama. She probably isn't coming back and even if she does, I don't think it will work.
    Best to prepare yourself and when you feel OK, meet new girls.
    Good luck and keep a good attitude on things.


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