Negativity in relationships - temporary or permanent

LegacyUser · 26-03-2015 10:28am #1

This is more general relationship advice rather than specific....

<modsnip - lets not refer to other threads> I'm just out of a long-term relationship and to be honest I experienced many of the thoughts that the OP in the other thread describes - just a general negativity towards the actions of my ex. In many cases, it didn't seem to matter what she did, I would find fault with it. In the vast majority of cases, I would have kept my negative feelings to myself but I guess she would have felt the negativity seeping through in one form or another.

What's really bugging me, is that even now, 6 months after the amicable break-up, my mind is still rehashing many of the situations where she would have "injured" me (and I say "injured" because I know/think that most would not have been affected by her specific actions/non-actions but in my head they feel serious and injured is the only word which kind of describes the pain which arises in my chest when I think about these things). It was the main reason that I pushed for a break-up, that I couldn't see myself living the rest of my life faced with someone who my mind would continuously be holding a type of negative mirror against. (She had expressed doubts about the relationship earlier on, so in the end, the break-up was by common agreement, and we're still very amicable with each other).

I suppose what I am looking for advice on is:

Has anyone ever experienced these continuous negative feelings in a relationship, moved on and got into a new relationship where these negative feelings didn't arise?

If this is not the case, and I am going to be dragged down with negative thoughts all my life, how can I break out of this cycle? Because it's not something that is going to be fun to live with..........

I know that I've left out a lot of details, but if I were to describe everything, it'd take up pages. Please feel free to ask.

tinz18 · 26-03-2015 1:20pm

askingforadvice wrote: »

In the vast majority of cases, I would have kept my negative feelings to myself but I guess she would have felt the negativity seeping through in one form or another.

Has anyone ever experienced these continuous negative feelings in a relationship, moved on and got into a new relationship where these negative feelings didn't arise?

OP, my first relationship was like this - I kept the negativity to myself and didn't say anything to rock the boat (as when I did I was met with sulking and recriminations). Funnily it was what you describe that fired my negative feelings- I could feel his negativity and withdrew emotionally and tried to end it but he kept dragging me back in. Turning the negativity inwards damaged my psyche pretty badly and when we broke up all I felt was relief and was confused why I wasn't devastated.

A year later I met my OH- 2 years on we're going strong and we live together (which trust me can dredge up a tonne of negative emotions). The main difference is my positive feelings greatly outweigh the negative feelings- I could write a long list about what I love about him. Of course there's a couple of things that bug me but any time I feel something bugging me, I can say it to him, we'll talk through it and figure out how much is me acting on past experiences or my anxiety (which I developed after imploding after my ex) and how much is him actually being a fool. It really helps that he understands me and knows that despite being annoyed that I love him.

I don't believe a relationship has to be rosy all the time but I believe if you meet someone who you click with, getting through the negativity is easy and you don't linger on it.
I don't think it's hopeless for you, I just think you haven't met the right person. Be wary however- if you go into a relationship expecting to fail you might find yourself self-sabotaging so the key is to give yourself a talking to when you experience such feelings and figure out if its perceived or justified and deal with them accordingly.

LadyAthame · 26-03-2015 8:20pm

Are you asking how to let go of holding a grudge?

I think it's easier if their behavior changes and they acknowledge it and apologize or just make an effort etc. Obviously you need to establish whether you are a nitpicky type of person or not. If you are it's likely to arise again. But I do think you can change it though.

LegacyUser · 26-03-2015 9:55pm

askingforadvice wrote: »

This is more general relationship advice rather than specific....

<modsnip - lets not refer to other threads> I'm just out of a long-term relationship and to be honest I experienced many of the thoughts that the OP in the other thread describes - just a general negativity towards the actions of my ex. In many cases, it didn't seem to matter what she did, I would find fault with it. In the vast majority of cases, I would have kept my negative feelings to myself but I guess she would have felt the negativity seeping through in one form or another.

Very possibly. It can transmit through silences.

askingforadvice wrote: »

I suppose what I am looking for advice on is:

Has anyone ever experienced these continuous negative feelings in a relationship, moved on and got into a new relationship where these negative feelings didn't arise?

If this is not the case, and I am going to be dragged down with negative thoughts all my life, how can I break out of this cycle? Because it's not something that is going to be fun to live with..........

I know that I've left out a lot of details, but if I were to describe everything, it'd take up pages. Please feel free to ask.

I'd be suprised if no one has experienced this at one point or another.

Initially, you will start to forget so that the negative mirroring wont take centre stage. You still care about what she thinks of you.

I was involved with someone who gave me nothing but negative reflections. It was really wearing, and because I had so many negative inputs from this person, all he got from me was negative outouts and the cycle fed on itself.

Thing is...what I noticed one day was that he was the ONLY person with whom I had these negative exchanges, I found myself very positive about the various talents and accomplishments of so many people, in a flash I realised this was specific to him, as I had never ever NOT once heard him say a good word about anyone, not his friends, not his family, no one. Everything, without exception was a negative. NOT ONE exception in nearing ten years of knowing this person did he have something good to say.

So knowing this I could reframe it, not let him define me, realise it was his own pathologies and whatever crap was going on but the upshot is...you can't have this in your life. No one needs or wants it. It's really destructive.

Also in long terms, the other person can become invisible and all the become is a series of of projections....that may be what have been happenning too.

LegacyUser · 26-03-2015 11:05pm

tinz18 wrote: »

OP, my first relationship was like this - I kept the negativity to myself and didn't say anything to rock the boat (as when I did I was met with sulking and recriminations). Funnily it was what you describe that fired my negative feelings- I could feel his negativity and withdrew emotionally and tried to end it but he kept dragging me back in. Turning the negativity inwards damaged my psyche pretty badly and when we broke up all I felt was relief and was confused why I wasn't devastated.

A year later I met my OH- 2 years on we're going strong and we live together (which trust me can dredge up a tonne of negative emotions). The main difference is my positive feelings greatly outweigh the negative feelings- I could write a long list about what I love about him. Of course there's a couple of things that bug me but any time I feel something bugging me, I can say it to him, we'll talk through it and figure out how much is me acting on past experiences or my anxiety (which I developed after imploding after my ex) and how much is him actually being a fool. It really helps that he understands me and knows that despite being annoyed that I love him.

I don't believe a relationship has to be rosy all the time but I believe if you meet someone who you click with, getting through the negativity is easy and you don't linger on it.
I don't think it's hopeless for you, I just think you haven't met the right person. Be wary however- if you go into a relationship expecting to fail you might find yourself self-sabotaging so the key is to give yourself a talking to when you experience such feelings and figure out if its perceived or justified and deal with them accordingly.

Thanks tinz18, I take a lot encouragement from your post. I would hope that if there is a very strong connection between 2 people, that it would be is far easier for the positive to outweigh the negative. Without things being rosy all the time, I'm realistic enough to see that. Our connection obviously wasn't strong enough and we had been struggling with that for the last few years.

I was also thinking today of how to overcome the current negative thoughts, and how maybe a diary or some other cathartic release might help, but then that's focusing on the negatives. I'm actually thinking of trying the opposite, to focus on all the good things we shared, and hopefully that will help to reduce the importance of the negatives.

I also have far too much time to be thinking about things............

Negativity in relationships - temporary or permanent

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