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Totally tormented

  • 25-03-2015 5:14pm
    #1
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭


    I have been with my boyfriend 7.5 years we have been through some very hard times and tough situations we have broke up but we always got back together, we met quite Young and I think we were very immature there was cheating involved on both sides and a general lack of trust between us but I know I love him very much and I'm very attracted to him and I know he feels the same
    The last few months have been the worst ever he's keeping his distance, I used to see him everyday but now I'm lucky if I see him once a week and it usually involves having sex he keeps saying he's with his friends but something tells me he isn't as he never spent that much time with him before
    So on Sunday we both sat down and both promised we would make an effort to make us work, we both proclaimed our love for each other and saying we wanted to do things right from now on...I was so happy as its all I want we are both 30 and I think it's time we grew up...
    So here's the issue ,, yesterday morning he told me at 11:30 he was on the way to the gym but then at 12:30 he rang me for a chat and told me he was heading to the gym then but when I asked why he told me he was going an hour ago he got flustered and told me he was with one of his friends and then went on to give me a big story about his friend having a great job because he has so many days off n earns so much money for it, I knew straight away he was lying so I waited a while and then decided to call his bluff and I said look I know u weren't with that friend I don't know why u lied, and straight away he went on the defence and got angry
    Later that day we were texting and he kept saying he was with the guy but something told me he wasn't so I stuck to my story and all He kept saying was "how do u know I wasn't with him??" And then started accusing me of being in contact with his friend ( I don't even know what the guy looks like) eventually he admitted he wasn't with the guy be said he was alone and then attacked me again saying he Dosent need to give me a blow by blow acc of where he is, and then finished with me and gave me abuse about my looks and my life, I was really hurt
    I didn't do anything wrong he lied, esp after our talk about doing things right he didn't even apologise for lying to me, I asked him was he even sorry and he said "no I haven't done anything wrong" wtf!!!!! why didn't he just say he was alone why did he need to lie?
    My gut tells me he's obviously covering for something bigger I think he's seein someone else, his patterns have changed lately as I said before he's very distant and has been spending lots of time with friends ( something he never did before) he always wanted to spend time with me before
    Anyway I blocked him on everything I'm so hurt and upset he just keeps playing me
    Sorry for the long post I just need advice


Comments

  • #2
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    You poor thing what a horrible situation. Fair play to you for sticking to your guns and calling his bluff, it sounds like you were right to listen to your gut.

    I'm sorry to say it but it does sound like he's hiding something. To me his change in behaviour points towards cheating, but that's only my sense from reading your post and I may be way off the mark. It just sounds very similar to what a friend of mine went through recently. Sorry OP, I hope I'm wrong.


  • #3
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    giggle84 wrote: »
    You poor thing what a horrible situation. Fair play to you for sticking to your guns and calling his bluff, it sounds like you were right to listen to your gut.

    I'm sorry to say it but it does sound like he's hiding something. To me his change in behaviour points towards cheating, but that's only my sense from reading your post and I may be way off the mark. It just sounds very similar to what a friend of mine went through recently. Sorry OP, I hope I'm wrong.

    No my gut instinct is usually right and that's what I'm suspecting it just hurts so much but this is the final straw I'm done this time Ive wasted enough of my life
    It kills me that he Dosent see anything wrong with his lies


  • #4
    Sleepless and Manic
    Registered Users Posts: 156 ✭✭Sleepless and Manic


    Seven and a half years as a couple and you dont live together.

    Do you have plans for the future together? Do you talk about future plans?


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    7.5yrs together, currently 30yrs old! Its not like u started off as a teenagers... The 2 of us were adults! Age is not an excuse to be a coward and cheat on each other instead of facing the relationship issues.

    The fact he hasn't put a ring on your finger after 5+ years speaks volume YET you failed to see it and wasted an awful lot of time that you can't take back.
    Candycakes wrote: »
    I'm very attracted to him and I know he feels the same
    and then finished with me and gave me abuse about my looks

    You haven't got a clue about what goes on in the guy life, let alone in his mind... If he was attracted to you the last thing he would do was to comment on your looks ;)
    Candycakes wrote: »
    this is the final straw I'm done this time

    no, you are not done HE is...
    You didn't have the guts to end things with him, he done it for you. Good riddance!

    Nothing like one day after the other... Its a cliché but time is really a great healer.


  • #6
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    He is most definitely hiding something. I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that he not only had another woman on the go but a child as well. He's a filthy liar and I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Be thankful it's over op. He took some of the best years of your life, don't let him take any more.


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  • #7
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,608 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    My honest opinion?
    Quite simply, no relationship should be that much hard work.
    You're surely worth more than lies and doubting him because of those lies.
    Take some time out to ask yourself what you want from a relationship - hopefully one with lots of positives.


  • #8
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    KillITBill wrote: »
    <SNIP> Please do not quote entire posts, it's tough on mobile readers

    Yeah your right I keep trying to talk it up but its a total mess the whole lot of it, I honestly thought it would get better, I thought perhaps in time he would want the same things as me


  • #9
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    anna080 wrote: »
    He is most definitely hiding something. I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that he not only had another woman on the go but a child as well. He's a filthy liar and I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Be thankful it's over op. He took some of the best years of your life, don't let him take any more.

    Omg I have actually often suspected that! He lives 40 mins away from me in a different county and he's so secretive and he was always broke even tho he works full time I used to joke asking did he have to pay maintence
    I've always suspected a baby but he's always denied it


  • #10
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    The Princess Bride wrote: »
    My honest opinion?
    Quite simply, no relationship should be that much hard work.
    You're surely worth more than lies and doubting him because of those lies.
    Take some time out to ask yourself what you want from a relationship - hopefully one with lots of positives.

    Yes your right it's honestly so frustrating my head is fried I'm totally stressed and tormented all the time always second guessing everything he says


  • #11
    Katgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    to the poster who said OP's boyfriend isn't attracted to her if he comments on her looks - I completely disagree, he was trying to hurt her to distract her from the topic at hand. There is no way you can conclude that he's not attracted to her and I fail to see how statements like that are in any way helpful.

    The bottom line OP is that you can't trust him and it is a massive cliché for good reason - without trust you have nothing.

    You've tried talking it out and improving things. He won't even own up and apologise for lying this time and is using dirty tricks to defend himself. I've been in similar shoes to yours and it is exhausting. I really think there is nothing to salvage here and you should walk away.


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  • #12
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    Sleepless and Manic wrote: »
    Seven and a half years as a couple and you dont live together.

    Do you have plans for the future together? Do you talk about future plans?

    He lives with his parents I have my own house and he usually comes to me
    We had tons of plans for him to move in but he always said the time wasn't right


  • #13
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    God I feel like an utter fool guys


  • #14
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    Katgurl wrote: »
    to the poster who said OP's boyfriend isn't attracted to her if he comments on her looks - I completely disagree, he was trying to hurt her to distract her from the topic at hand. There is no way you can conclude that he's not attracted to her and I fail to see how statements like that are in any way helpful.

    The bottom line OP is that you can't trust him and it is a massive cliché for good reason - without trust you have nothing.

    You've tried talking it out and improving things. He won't even own up and apologise for lying this time and is using dirty tricks to defend himself. I've been in similar shoes to yours and it is exhausting. I really think there is nothing to salvage here and you should walk away.

    Thank you it's great to hear from someone that's been here, I honestly thought this time we would be ok, he sounded so willing to work at it this time and then the stupid lie over nothing! Even after us getting on so well up to it, I feel a fool for getting my hopes up and thinking we would finally get somewhere


  • #15
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Candycakes wrote: »
    God I feel like an utter fool guys

    You're not a fool at all. But please don't let him insult you any further by having him think you believe his lies that he's shoveling into you. He may come crawling back, but be strong and don't give him another chance. Onwards and upwards.


  • #16
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    anna080 wrote: »
    You're not a fool at all. But please don't let him insult you any further by having him think you believe his lies that he's shoveling into you. He may come crawling back, but be strong and don't give him another chance. Onwards and upwards.

    No i am 100% done this time I'm angry at myself more than anything I should have walked away years ago it's partly because it would kill me to see him with someone else but as friends have pointed out whoever the next girl is we feel sorry for her because her life will be a nightmare with him she won't be gaining much


  • #17
    Katgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    Candycakes wrote: »
    No i am 100% done this time I'm angry at myself more than anything I should have walked away years ago it's partly because it would kill me to see him with someone else but as friends have pointed out whoever the next girl is we feel sorry for her because her life will be a nightmare with him she won't be gaining much

    It really reminds me of how I used to feel.
    My ex used to lie to me (to this day I don't know what he was covering and can say 100% truthfully I don't care) and then fly off the handle if he was caught out. I'll give an example; he told me one night he was out with a particular friend. A few days later this friend was visiting and remarked "Its been two or three weeks since I saw you." I started laughing and reminded the friend they'd been out a couple of nights previously. The friend looked baffled, my boyfriend looked panic-stricken.

    So then WW3 breaks out (instigated by my boyfriend) - I'm controlling, I am always checking up on him, I am suspicious, he has doubts about our relationship, I drink too much, I have trust issues, I'm a s!ut and so on...

    he would successfully pull me so tightly into these rows and drama that the original query would be lost in all the chaos and self-doubt.

    I was always doubting myself; "am I suspicious, controlling and jealous????... I must be because he felt the need to lie to me..."

    I was afraid to leave because I knew deep down he'd replace me in a heartbeat and I couldn't bear to see him with another woman. And I wanted him to own up / admit he was wrong / see my point of view / apologise...

    Anyway one day I'd had enough. I'd had enough about feeling like that about myself. I was never a jealous person, I'm a truthful person and naturally trusting. These were tactics he employed to manipulate me. I just decided it didn't matter a jot if he ever acknowledged a single thing. I didn't care! His character flaws were his problem.

    As soon as I realised this properly I couldn't get out the door quick enough. I don't think anyone has ever gotten over a breakup as speedily as I did - I blinked and I was over him. In fairness, I'd had most of the broken hearted stuff during the relationship so all I felt was relief when I left. As for his new girlfriend, I feel/felt nothing but pity for her.

    Ask yourself this honestly; do you feel happy, secure etc in your relationship more or less than you feel upset, unappreciated, panicked etc


  • #18
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    Katgurl wrote: »
    It really reminds me of how I used to feel.
    My ex used to lie to me (to this day I don't know what he was covering and can say 100% truthfully I don't care) and then fly off the handle if he was caught out. I'll give an example; he told me one night he was out with a particular friend. A few days later this friend was visiting and remarked "Its been two or three weeks since I saw you." I started laughing and reminded the friend they'd been out a couple of nights previously. The friend looked baffled, my boyfriend looked panic-stricken.

    So then WW3 breaks out (instigated by my boyfriend) - I'm controlling, I am always checking up on him, I am suspicious, he has doubts about our relationship, I drink too much, I have trust issues, I'm a s!ut and so on...

    he would successfully pull me so tightly into these rows and drama that the original query would be lost in all the chaos and self-doubt.

    I was always doubting myself; "am I suspicious, controlling and jealous????... I must be because he felt the need to lie to me..."

    I was afraid to leave because I knew deep down he'd replace me in a heartbeat and I couldn't bear to see him with another woman. And I wanted him to own up / admit he was wrong / see my point of view / apologise...

    Anyway one day I'd had enough. I'd had enough about feeling like that about myself. I was never a jealous person, I'm a truthful person and naturally trusting. These were tactics he employed to manipulate me. I just decided it didn't matter a jot if he ever acknowledged a single thing. I didn't care! His character flaws were his problem.

    As soon as I realised this properly I couldn't get out the door quick enough. I don't think anyone has ever gotten over a breakup as speedily as I did - I blinked and I was over him. In fairness, I'd had most of the broken hearted stuff during the relationship so all I felt was relief when I left. As for his new girlfriend, I feel/felt nothing but pity for her.

    Ask yourself this honestly; do you feel happy, secure etc in your relationship more or less than you feel upset, unappreciated, panicked etc

    I'm controlling, I am always checking up on him, I am suspicious, he has doubts about our relationship, I drink too much, I have trust issues, I'm a s!ut and so on...

    Omg this is exactly what he says to me are u sure we aren't talking about the same guy lol!


  • #19
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    Candycakes wrote: »
    I'm controlling, I am always checking up on him, I am suspicious, he has doubts about our relationship, I drink too much, I have trust issues, I'm a s!ut and so on...

    Omg this is exactly what he says to me are u sure we aren't talking about the same guy lol!

    No I feel lonely, used, played, heartbroken, unappreciated, unloved generally awful


  • #20
    nozipcode
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 137 ✭✭nozipcode


    Katgurl wrote: »
    to the poster who said OP's boyfriend isn't attracted to her if he comments on her looks - I completely disagree, he was trying to hurt her to distract her from the topic at hand. There is no way you can conclude that he's not attracted to her and I fail to see how statements like that are in any way helpful.


    +1. Saying that he's not atttracted to the OP because he made nasty comments is a ridiculous thing to conclude. If anything it sounds like sex is what is keeping you two guys together more than anything, as you said you meet once per week and sex is usually always involved. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. Some people are just born liars and lie for no reason. I don't envy your situation!


  • #21
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    nozipcode wrote: »
    +1. Saying that he's not atttracted to the OP because he made nasty comments is a ridiculous thing to conclude. If anything it sounds like sex is what is keeping you two guys together more than anything, as you said you meet once per week and sex is usually always involved. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. Some people are just born liars and lie for no reason. I don't envy your situation!

    I honestly wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy
    iv had a serious relationship previous to this one and I didn't feel half the love for him that I feel for this guy I just wanted this to work so bad
    I would always feel so used after he left the next morning
    That was another thing he always left early the next morning


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  • #22
    Katgurl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,144 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    Candycakes wrote: »
    I honestly wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy
    iv had a serious relationship previous to this one and I didn't feel half the love for him that I feel for this guy I just wanted this to work so bad
    I would always feel so used after he left the next morning
    That was another thing he always left early the next morning

    Listen you have lost yourself. Think of someone you deeply care about (your sister / mum / very close friend). If you knew a man was treating them like this you would yell at them to run. It's no different for you, you are getting nothing from this relationship. You are afraid of being on your own, but you're on your own IN this relationship.


  • #23
    Dark Phoenix
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Dark Phoenix


    You poor thing. You are not stupid at all, please dont think that. The trouble with a long term relationship is things can become 'normal' and you dont question it at the time because you get used to it being the case. Throw a good liar into the equation and the line blurs more as often they are great at manipulation and making you think you are the issue and not them its classic distraction.

    He will want you to feel you are controlling / checking up on him / not trusting him etc but remember its a vicious circle you are not doing these things for no reason - he gave you reasons to doubt him and he has crossed his story a few times and gotten defensive when you questioned it.

    7.5 years - he chooses to live with parents and not move in with you, he chooses to see you as little as he can, there are no long term relationship plans, he stays over for sex then heads off the next day, heis always broke despite living at home and he is constantly off somewhere claiming to vaguely be 'with a friend' where the story changes. Your not controlling, he is up to something


  • #24
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    Katgurl wrote: »
    Listen you have lost yourself. Think of someone you deeply care about (your sister / mum / very close friend). If you knew a man was treating them like this you would yell at them to run. It's no different for you, you are getting nothing from this relationship. You are afraid of being on your own, but you're on your own IN this relationship.
    Very true x


  • #25
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    Dark Phoenix wrote: »
    You poor thing. You are not stupid at all, please dont think that. The trouble with a long term relationship is things can become 'normal' and you dont question it at the time because you get used to it being the case. Throw a good liar into the equation and the line blurs more as often they are great at manipulation and making you think you are the issue and not them its classic distraction.

    He will want you to feel you are controlling / checking up on him / not trusting him etc but remember its a vicious circle you are not doing these things for no reason - he gave you reasons to doubt him and he has crossed his story a few times and gotten defensive when you questioned it.

    7.5 years - he chooses to live with parents and not move in with you, he chooses to see you as little as he can, there are no long term relationship plans, he stays over for sex then heads off the next day, heis always broke despite living at home and he is constantly off somewhere claiming to vaguely be 'with a friend' where the story changes. Your not controlling, he is up to something

    Yes my gut instinct is he is with someone else in his home town
    Surprisingly today I really feel like a weight has been lifted off and I don't care anymore
    Reading everyone's comments and speaking to friends has me me realise that he is the one with the issues not me
    I am a good person and I didn't deserve the way he treated me and I know now he's not the one and that in time I'll meet someone who will treat me with the love and respect I deserve
    And he won't change he will go on treating women like this because that's the horrible person he is
    I'm actually smiling today I feel awesome x


  • #26
    bp
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,731 ✭✭✭bp


    Good for you - good ridence - just remember if it transpires he has someone else she probably doesn't know about you or if she does it in a vague (my crazy ex) way. So don't bother confronting her - the truth will come out.


    Now take care of you because he was only dragging you down


  • #27
    Candycakes
    Closed Accounts Posts: 42 ✭Candycakes


    bp wrote: »
    Good for you - good ridence - just remember if it transpires he has someone else she probably doesn't know about you or if she does it in a vague (my crazy ex) way. So don't bother confronting her - the truth will come out.


    Now take care of you because he was only dragging you down

    Thanks sister x


  • #28
    Kidchameleon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Kidchameleon


    Bit harsh accusing the guy of cheating without any evidence. Maybe he just has no feelings for the OP anymore and doesn't have the guts to admit it (7.5 years is a long time), that would explain his odd behavior too.


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