Leave the fantasy in my head or?

Will_I_Regret · 21-03-2015 10:51pm #1

Long time user here, using a different account.

Bit of a backgroud; I am in a relationship with a girl who, for the first time ever, has got me thinking about moving in with someone, marriage and the whole lot. We click on so many levels and I'd do anything for her without question... To be honest, I can't even imagine being with anyone else.

So my problem here is going to sound very strange to a lot of people but this
certain fantasy, is constantly going through my head and its driving me insane. Basically I am totally infatuated by the thought of having a threesome with my girlfriend. Obviously without being crude or going into too much detail, I want to see her being pleased by another man and myself. Before anyone says it, I have no intention whatsover about going near the man either!! It would just be all for my OH pleasure.

I feel like such a weirdo writing this down and thinking this way, but it's something that gets my heart racing every time I think about it. I want to make this fantasy a reality but I'm not sure what the aftermath would be like if it did happen.

I've brought the subject up a few times to her and while she says she also would love to try it out, she says that some things are best left in your head. Now I know she is right in what she is saying, but the way I see it is, that both of us will never ever know until we try it.

What are people's views on this? If she did give the green light for this, would the two of us end up regretting it?

Littlekittylou · 22-03-2015 2:07am

You need to start talking directly with her. Be honest. It's just talking. Talk your feelings etc. Guys are more easily aroused by body parts, whereas women more often need a deep connection to get into sex.

having a threesome with my girlfriend.

The particular fantasy of a threesome would be a red light for me. I wouldn't be into it. I like monogamy. I would not do a threesome personally. A threesome would be hell to the no. Regardless of gender. I find threesomes displeasing.

She on the other hand seems different. Don't push anything either of you.

What are people's views on this?

I think with fantasy you need to be open to the idea it will be a little different to in your head. The reality may be more intense.

I want to make this fantasy a reality but I'm not sure what the aftermath would be like if it did happen.

That's true. Talk expectations etc.Talk fears talk clearly.

Whatever happens you want the two you to be strong as a couple.Whatever happens you want the two you to be strong as a couple.You never do anything you are not comfortable with. It's not necessary. Talk about any previous experiences etc Talk about what you are worried about and what you fear you might regret. Don't rush there is no hurry.Trust is paramount should you decide so is respect. You can work on building trust.You don't have to do anything you don't want to. What do you want to do?What do you think will make you happy?

Go slowly if you want.
Don't ask the magic 8 ball ...ask her. ...and yourself..

Mr. Incognito · 22-03-2015 4:07am

Tried it.

The fantasy doesnt live up to the reality.

Tried it again to be sure.

Was still a resounding no.

The relationship ended as a result.

If you are looking for something else what you have may not be enough.

blatantrereg · 22-03-2015 10:37am

It would just be all for my OH pleasure.

Well it would be for your pleasure because it excites you.

This sort of stuff is going to make your gf think less of you. It's a masturbational fantasy. Pushing it will indicate you value kinky titilation more than your relationship - and your gf will recognise that. You have a masturbatory fixation on her. You don't properly perceive her as a real person.

If you want to do kinky experimentation then that's your business. But I think it's a good idea not to confuse meaningful human connection with finding a prop with which to explore the depths of your imagination.

Stavro Mueller · 22-03-2015 12:27pm

Will_I_Regret wrote: »

I've brought the subject up a few times to her and while she says she also would love to try it out, she says that some things are best left in your head. Now I know she is right in what she is saying, but the way I see it is, that both of us will never ever know until we try it.

I'm not sure how genuinely interested your girlfriend is in having a threesome. Maybe she's saying No but in a roundabout way so as not to hurt you. Or she's being pragmatic and recognising this talk of a threesome for what it is. A fantasy. It's quite a jump to go from imagining yourself in a threesome with a mythical man to actually doing it.

I've never had a threesome myself (have never wanted to either) but from bits and pieces I've heard discussed on the radio/online, they're not always what they're cracked up to be. They work for some couples of course but they've been the ruination of others. It can bring out feelings of insecurity and jealous that you didn't know were there. What if your gf is really really turned on by this randomer and you start doubting if you're as good as he was. It can throw up feelings of infidelity despite both of you agreeing to it. It's definitely worth googling the downsides of threesomes. At least then you'd go into it with your eyes open and be aware of the risks and downsides. The question is: are you prepared to risk your entire relationship all for a fantasy that might not go so well in reality?

foleypio · 22-03-2015 12:48pm

I think you should give it a shot OP. If the trust is there in your relationship, I'm sure it can handle something like this. Ye might actually enjoy it

CatLou · 22-03-2015 8:53pm

Hi OP, I'm going to speak from experience, as the girlfriend who's been in threesomes with other guys.

At first I couldn't understand why my bf would even think about it. It felt as if he didn't like me enough or something, I mean, how could he not be completely jealous about seeing other guy with me? I have a very open mind however and slowly began to appreciate the undertones of such a fantasy. I eventually embraced the idea and we started doing it.

We started by sorting a lot of rules between ourselves, like for instance, I wouldn't kiss the other guy.
Now, my bf was completely crazy about doing it at first, our first time was very very good, both physically and psychologically, but some things started upsetting him later. The guy kissed me, and he was pretty big too. My bf resented it a bit a couple of days after, he felt insecure. We dealt with it and went on to have other experiences after that first one, but I'm saying this because sometimes you don't quite foresee the consequences of bringing a fantasy into real life.

Now, we have a very strong relationship, and this didn't shake it a bit. We only started doing it after 3.5 years together and we are both of the same mind about it and very comfortable with sex in general.
But every couple is different, so I'd make sure that you and your girlfriend are in this together and ready for the unexpected. I'd say that before getting a third person in the mix you should just role-play it together for some months and see how you feel.

Anyway, it's great that you're talking about it honestly, that's a great start

Chucky the tree · 23-03-2015 12:57am

Will_I_Regret wrote: »

What are people's views on this? If she did give the green light for this, would the two of us end up regretting it?

It's impossible to know. No one can predict the future. But by sounds it I think it's the ideal situation for a 3some. Usually the only reason it goes bad is because of jealousy and insecurity. If you think you can handle seeing your girlfriend with another guy then I think it's far less likely it will go wrong. If you are the jealous/insecure type then I'd say avoid it though.

Will_I_Regret · 23-03-2015 9:08am

CatLou wrote: »

Hi OP, I'm going to speak from experience, as the girlfriend who's been in threesomes with other guys.

Facinanted by this reply, thanks a million!! I would view this situation 100%, the same as yourself here. I'm happy enough in my own skin and I think of sex as sex, its supposed to be as fun as possible and I don't see the problem hightening pleasures by a threesome if both parties are ok with it.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion here but for some of the posters here, to come on and, IMO, push their own insecurities by saying basically that it's disgusting to want to do this?

@CatLou; thanks again and without asking for too much personal specifics here, could I just ask one question?

That no kissing rule would be one of the only rules I would be sure on as well, so when you said your bf got upset after it happened? Was it a case ye just got caught up in the moment and kissed, or that the other guy just tried to kiss you?

Im just asking because I never thought about being in the situation, if it ever did happen? Where rules, the two of us set down, were broken in the middle of it happening...

Stavro Mueller · 23-03-2015 9:25am

The thing that's coming across here is that this is all about you. Fair enough, you see sex as sex etc. but I'm not sure you're truly taking your girlfriend's feelings into consideration. She hasn't flat out said No but she hasn't said Yes either. Don't fool yourself into giving this is all about pleasuring her. It's a fantasy of yours and you need to get your girlfriend onside for it to happen. In my opinion she is the one so has to give up more, so to speak; as she is the one so has to actually have sex with this other man. What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is don't push this if your girlfriend isn't overly keen. Also, if she says No will this be the end of the matter?

Will_I_Regret · 23-03-2015 9:42am

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

. Also, if she says No will this be the end of the matter?

Of course, if she told me to stop going on about it, I'd never mention it again. This is fun for me, thats it. I wouldnt dream of ruining what I have for fun, something a lot of people are forgetting to see this as.

Replies that are giving me statements based on their own thought process and tbh, are a million miles away to how I and a lot of other people think about sex... No harm either btw.

Stavro Mueller · 23-03-2015 9:47am

It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks about sex and threesomes. That includes you, by the way. This all hangs on what your girlfriend thinks about it and if she is willing to go through with it. End of. It could work out great or it could destroy everything. Nobody can ever predict it.

Will_I_Regret · 23-03-2015 10:00am

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks about sex and threesomes. That includes you, by the way. This all hangs on what your girlfriend thinks about it and if she is willing to go through with it. End of. It could work out great or it could destroy everything. Nobody can ever predict it.

I know, I can't say what will happen after, but I guess its my mistake to make.
I was really just hoping to hear from people who have done it tbh...

Stavro Mueller · 23-03-2015 10:11am

Maybe you should be asking the poster further
up this thread why he didn't enjoy his threesomes and why the relationship ended. You only seem to want to hear opinions that tell you what you want to hear.

Will_I_Regret · 23-03-2015 10:12am

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Maybe you should be asking the poster further
up this thread why he didn't enjoy his threesomes and why the relationship ended. You only seem to want to hear opinions that tell you what you want to hear.

Yeah, you got me there. I didn't even think about it...

23-03-2015 10:16am

Your girlfriend has politely told you no, to be honest, listen to her and let it go

Will_I_Regret · 23-03-2015 10:18am

bluewolf wrote: »

Your girlfriend has politely told you no, to be honest, listen to her and let it go

Huh? You've spoken to her about it then?

Tokyo · 23-03-2015 10:47am

Will_I_Regret wrote: »

Huh? You've spoken to her about it then?

Having had this conversation on a number of occasions...

Will_I_Regret wrote: »

I've brought the subject up a few times to her and while she says she also would love to try it out, she says that some things are best left in your head.

...is a polite way of saying it's fun to talk about the idea hypothetically, but no it's not something I would like to follow through on.

The Princess Bride · 23-03-2015 10:47am

Will_I_Regret wrote: »

I've brought the subject up a few times to her and while she says she also would love to try it out, she says that some things are best left in your head.

Could it be that she doesn't actually want to come out and say "No way" in case it means losing you ? From what you tell us she said, I'd think she's doesn't want it- but obviously we don't know her or you, and are basing our opinions on your original post.

Personally speaking?
My fear would be the 3rd party coming into the threesome would be a better lover than the boyfriend, the boyfriend would see this and feel inferior /insecure /jealous- whatever.

You could be the least jealous, most secure man on the planet-but you just don't know how you'd react when the fantasy becomes reality.
None of us do.
For that reason alone, I keep my fantasies in my head where I'm 100% in control.

giggle84 · 23-03-2015 11:10am

mike_ie wrote: »

...is a polite way of saying it's fun to talk about the idea hypothetically, but no it's not something I would like to follow through on.

I'd tend to agree with mike.. if she really was into it she'd have told you, I reckon she's afraid to tell you out straight she doesn't want to help you live out this fantasy of your's.

Personally speaking, if my boyfriend brought this up I really wouldn't be into it, and then I think I'd feel like I couldn't fully satisfy him sexually if he had this fantasy that I didn't want to fulfil.

Another thought though, and referring to what another poster said about women needing more of a connection to sleep with someone (although I accept that's not true for all women).. say I was open to this and assuming the other guy would be a stranger, because I'd have no emotional connection with him the only way I could sleep with him would be if he was absolutely gorgeous and I really fancied him physically. If your girlfriend was the same and the guy had to be really hot to turn her on.. would you be ok with that?! Maybe you would and it wouldn't matter what he looked like, just something that occurs to me that could be an issue for what's it's worth!

Chucky the tree · 23-03-2015 11:11am

If your girlfriend can't communicate her feelings in an honest and open manner then that's a pretty huge issue you need to deal with in your relationship. You're girlfriend might want to do it, but then most people would say "I'm not interested". It's possible your girlfriends really wants it to happen but is worried it could go wrong. Again it all sounds like you haven't really discussed this properly together.

Will_I_Regret · 23-03-2015 11:13am

Chucky the tree wrote: »

If your girlfriend can't communicate her feelings in an honest and open manner then that's a pretty huge issue you need to deal with in your relationship.

I've been with most posters up until this point.... But sorry, what!?

Penny Tration · 23-03-2015 11:18am

Chucky the tree wrote: »

If your girlfriend can't communicate her feelings in an honest and open manner then that's a pretty huge issue you need to deal with in your relationship. You're girlferiend might want to do it, but then most people would say "I'm not interested". It's possible your girlfriends really wants it to happen but is worried it could go wrong. Again it all sounds like you haven't really discussed this properly together.

I really don't see where you're getting a lack of communication from. She has clearly stated that she likes the fantasy, but it's best left that way. She couldn't have been clearer!

OP, I think she's already given you the answer, but you don't want to accept it til she gives you a flat 'no.'

Chucky the tree · 23-03-2015 11:19am

Will_I_Regret wrote: »

I've been with most posters up until this point.... But sorry, what!?

Tell her to get off the fence. So far she's said

I've brought the subject up a few times to her and while she says she also would love to try it out, she says that some things are best left in your head.

What does that mean exactly? She either needs to say she's interested and would like to talk more about doing it or she's no interested and would prefer to drop it.

Chucky the tree · 23-03-2015 11:20am

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

I really don't see where you're getting a lack of communication from. She has clearly stated that she likes the fantasy, but it's best left that way. She couldn't have been clearer!

OP, I think she's already given you the answer, but you don't want to accept it til she gives you a flat 'no.'

Why doesn't she give a flat out no then?

Penny Tration · 23-03-2015 11:21am

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Why doesn't she give a flat out no then?

She has.

She's stated that she likes the idea, in theory, but it'd best left as is.

That's a pretty easily understandable 'no.' it's just not as harsh as that single word.

giggle84 · 23-03-2015 11:22am

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Why doesn't she give a flat out no then?

Maybe she's afraid she'll disappoint the OP if she tells him she won't help him live out this fantasy?

kylith · 23-03-2015 11:27am

Look, if it's such a big deal to you ask her for a straight yes or no answer. However I think that what she has said already is a polite way of saying that she's not interested in making that fantasy reality.

Will_I_Regret · 23-03-2015 11:28am

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

OP, I think she's already given you the answer, but you don't want to accept it til she gives you a flat 'no.'

This.
Regardless off the answer I hear, I just want to know clearly, wether to put this idea to bed or not...

Chucky the tree · 23-03-2015 11:28am

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

She has.

She's stated that she likes the idea, in theory, but it'd best left as is.

That's a pretty easily understandable 'no.' it's just not as harsh as that single word.

No, she hasn't. She's firmly plonked herself on the fence. How many people refuse a offer like a cup of tea the first time even though they really want one? It's in our nature to do it.

Her answer can easily be interpreted as her wanting to do it but being reluctantly to give a yes straight away. If she said "OMG, I'd love to, lets do it asap" then she might be worried that the boyfriend will think she's not satisfied, she might be worried it will go wrong because the boyfriend mightn't be able to handle it etc.

giggle84 wrote: »

Maybe she's afraid she'll disappoint the OP if she tells him she won't help him live out this fantasy?

But half the posters are already saying she's done that. Also If she can't say how she honestly feels for whatever reasons then it's not a great sign for the relationship.

LegacyUser · 23-03-2015 12:11pm

Going Anon here as this is the GF's point of view...

I’m going to clear things up for you all.

We have discussed this a lot, in depth and considered some of the negative consequences which could arise from the situation.
Granted in the first post he could have elaborated a bit more to say he wanted opinions from people who have been there and done that...

I consider myself very open minded towards sex, sexual fantasies etc. I admit this has been a fantasy of mine for much longer than I have been with my OH. He hasn't just sprung the idea of having a threesome on me out of the blue.
From my point of view, he would never have dreamed of even bringing it up if I hadn't coaxed the naughtier side out of him, it would have always been left in his head.
I think it’s pretty fun to let your OH in on some of your sexual fantasies to role play them out occasionally to spice things up!

The reason I gave him and continue to give him the answer of: I'd like to try it but I think it's better left in OUR heads, is because I value the relationship a lot more than just for one night of excitement for it to go horribly wrong and mess it up completely. Our relationship is something which I do not want to gamble on. I have told him this.

I was the one who suggested to him to write a post here to see what opinions people had on the subject and hopefully to hear from people who had tried it... and I thank you all for that.

I believe Stavro hit the nail on the head with this - "Or she's being pragmatic and recognising this talk of a threesome for what it is. A fantasy."

To say that I'm not being honest and communicating poorly is pretty hurtful, as I believe I have been more honest and open talking about sex and sexual fantasies than many others would be.
Please stop trying to insinuate there is something flawed in our relationship.

giggle84 · 23-03-2015 12:36pm

theOPsGF wrote: »

To say that I'm not being honest and communicating poorly is pretty hurtful, as I believe I have been more honest and open talking about sex and sexual fantasies than many others would be.
Please stop trying to insinuate there is something flawed in our relationship.

To be fair to posters who implied this, all we had to go on was the OPs posts and you acknowledged yourself he could have elaborated and explained the situation better!

DeltaWhite · 23-03-2015 1:15pm

Have to agree with the GF. I was in similar position with my BF and I am adamant that a fantasy should stay a fantasy.. Ps. to the GF: people tend to over analyse things on boards.. So take some comments with a pinch of salt

I agree with you though, unless you are really REALLY sure it's something you want to do, I would not even go there!
I said the same to my BF. I could not think about wasting 5 years with him, just for one night to fulfill a fantasy, it may go pear shaped and I wasn't willing to risk that.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-03-2015 1:17pm

Once a couple get involved on the same thread it is our policy to lock it. You now have enough opinion from others to discuss it between yourselves.

Leave the fantasy in my head or?

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