Why do men not want me?

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 12:51pm #1

I'm feeling really low after a bad run of dating luck and could do with some honest answers.

I'm a 29 year old female who has never had a significant relationship beyond a month or two. I've had a rake of casual hook ups over the years and I've dated quite a bit, but I've found it impossible to keep a guy interested beyond a few dates and things inevitably fizzle.

It's been honestly the most frustrating aspect of my life so far and as time passes, my yearning for a relationship is becoming stronger and my self esteem is waning with my seeming inability to find what comes so easily to almost everyone else. Finding it hard to believe I can be a 'catch' or I can be attractive if so many guys can feel so 'meh' about me and find it easy to walk away.

For a bit of background, I have a great job which I have worked very hard for, am very intelligent, a real people person, have travelled the world and am full of personality. I'm no supermodel but I'm certainly attractive, the casual hook-ups come easy to me (not like that's any big achievement).

I just yearn for so much more and have completely lucked out with every guy I've met that I've been attracted to. I've done a lot of internet dating over the years. For a long time I ended up falling into the trap of sleeping with a guy too soon, maybe in some misguided attempt to make him like me more, you can imagine how successful those encounters were.

More recently I've been trying to be more honest and frank about what I want. I've been on a popular dating app for the last few months. The last three guys I've met in a row, didn't want me in more than a casual way. First guy said it explicitly after the first date, I met up a second time and foolishly slept with him, never saw him again. Second guy, two great dates, lots of interest his end, lots of texting, let him stay over in mine on the second date coz he was coming in from a different city to meet me....after the second date the texts stopped and he started responding with one-liners to everything I said.

This most recent one hurt me a bit more. We chatted all day every day by text for two weeks. I established early on that I was interested in more than a casual hookup, he said he was too. It was almost like having a boyfriend for those two weeks - he texted first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I've known to avoid that kind of contact and affection before you've actually met a guy in the real world - but it just seemed to happen and it felt right. We finally got time to meet on Tuesday night and as planned he stayed over (he lives way outside the city and we planned before he came over that we wouldn't have sex because we both 'wanted more').

Well a great date with a lovely guy who I really fancied and wanted to see again has ended once again in blatant rejection. He was really affectionate and forward until the next morning, when he seemed to pull back a bit and after a really awkward goodbye and a few stiff texts I just outright asked him if he wasn't feeling it - 'i don't think so. Sorry

'

I'm just I guess at a loss as to how to meet anyone at this stage. I'm not a teenager anymore and feel like I should have figured out the rudiments of dating and relationships by now - but nothing ever works for me. I'm getting positively upset at what I stand to lose out on at this stage - not just the experience of love and affection and feeling important to someone special, but a family, marriage, a life partner. I want what everyone else wants - I'm just years behind everyone. I've never had someone I could call my 'boyfriend'.

I want those things like anyone else. And I've done a lot with my life - it's not like I've nothing better to do than sit at home pining for a man. I have a great life outside of this. I have an incredibly interesting, challenging and exciting job which I work my ass off for. I've lived all over the world since I graduated from college. I have wonderful family and friends who I meet regularly. I travel loads. I have no financial woes. I just want someone to share all of that with so badly and I'm failing at every hurdle - and those failures are lowering my self esteem and making me inclined to shut myself off a bit more every time.

And I'm out of excuses as to 'why am I single' - from well-meaning relatives, friends, work colleagues. The honest answer is 'i can't attract a man that I like for more than five minutes' - but saying that adds to a sense of desperation that I'm certain won't help my cause.

Sorry for the mammoth post. I'm just a bit low right now because of this most recent disappointment. I wanted him so badly and the blatent NO of it, when put in context of my lack of dating success my whole life, is a bit overwhelming.

Any advice or insight anyone can offer would be a great help. Thanks for reading x

DoozerT6 · 24-07-2014 1:47pm

loeloelonely wrote: »

I'm just I guess at a loss as to how to meet anyone at this stage. I'm not a teenager anymore and feel like I should have figured out the rudiments of dating and relationships by now - but nothing ever works for me. I'm getting positively upset at what I stand to lose out on at this stage - not just the experience of love and affection and feeling important to someone special, but a family, marriage, a life partner. I want what everyone else wants - I'm just years behind everyone. I've never had someone I could call my 'boyfriend'.

And I'm out of excuses as to 'why am I single' - from well-meaning relatives, friends, work colleagues. The honest answer is 'i can't attract a man that I like for more than five minutes' - but saying that adds to a sense of desperation that I'm certain won't help my cause.

Are you actually me?

Sorry, no advice here, but if it helps, you are most definitely not alone....

kylith · 24-07-2014 1:53pm

The majority of people using dating apps and sites are there just for sex. I'd recommend that you join a club or society or go along to some meetup.com events to get to know men in a more social, natural, and real setting.

LLMMML · 24-07-2014 2:06pm

I think you should focus less on getting a boyfriend while leaving yourself open to the possibility. Focus on enjoying other aspects of your life, going out with friends, hobbies etc. Lots of relationships grow from someone you know (though that's not the reason to do these things). If you enjoy dating then keep using the app. Take control of your sex life. Don't sleep with someone to keep them interested. If you don't want to have sex, don't have it. If you do want sex, then do have it. If you think the app is not right for you then delete it. You can always redownload it later.

As for your recent guys, I personally wouldn't lose heart over it. The guys you slept with straight away didn't really reject you. They were just looking for fun and they got it. The fact it didn't go beyond that is probably nothing to do with you. I can see why the last guy hurt more. That seems like actual rejection and it ALWAYS hurts. But some people have learned to handle it better than others. Not everyone will feel you are right for them, and you will feel the same way about a lot of guys. If you're going to internet date it's something you'll have to learn to deal with. But overall, one proper rejection isn't all that bad. Keep it in perspective

jimd2 · 24-07-2014 2:17pm

loeloelonely wrote: »

I'm feeling really low after a bad run of dating luck and could do with some honest answers.

I'm a 29 year old female who has never had a significant relationship beyond a month or two. I've had a rake of casual hook ups over the years and I've dated quite a bit, but I've found it impossible to keep a guy interested beyond a few dates and things inevitably fizzle.

It's been honestly the most frustrating aspect of my life so far and as time passes, my yearning for a relationship is becoming stronger and my self esteem is waning with my seeming inability to find what comes so easily to almost everyone else. Finding it hard to believe I can be a 'catch' or I can be attractive if so many guys can feel so 'meh' about me and find it easy to walk away.

For a bit of background, I have a great job which I have worked very hard for, am very intelligent, a real people person, have travelled the world and am full of personality. I'm no supermodel but I'm certainly attractive, the casual hook-ups come easy to me (not like that's any big achievement).

I just yearn for so much more and have completely lucked out with every guy I've met that I've been attracted to. I've done a lot of internet dating over the years. For a long time I ended up falling into the trap of sleeping with a guy too soon, maybe in some misguided attempt to make him like me more, you can imagine how successful those encounters were.

More recently I've been trying to be more honest and frank about what I want. I've been on a popular dating app for the last few months. The last three guys I've met in a row, didn't want me in more than a casual way. First guy said it explicitly after the first date, I met up a second time and foolishly slept with him, never saw him again. Second guy, two great dates, lots of interest his end, lots of texting, let him stay over in mine on the second date coz he was coming in from a different city to meet me....after the second date the texts stopped and he started responding with one-liners to everything I said.

This most recent one hurt me a bit more. We chatted all day every day by text for two weeks. I established early on that I was interested in more than a casual hookup, he said he was too. It was almost like having a boyfriend for those two weeks - he texted first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I've known to avoid that kind of contact and affection before you've actually met a guy in the real world - but it just seemed to happen and it felt right. We finally got time to meet on Tuesday night and as planned he stayed over (he lives way outside the city and we planned before he came over that we wouldn't have sex because we both 'wanted more').

Well a great date with a lovely guy who I really fancied and wanted to see again has ended once again in blatant rejection. He was really affectionate and forward until the next morning, when he seemed to pull back a bit and after a really awkward goodbye and a few stiff texts I just outright asked him if he wasn't feeling it - 'i don't think so. Sorry '

I'm just I guess at a loss as to how to meet anyone at this stage. I'm not a teenager anymore and feel like I should have figured out the rudiments of dating and relationships by now - but nothing ever works for me. I'm getting positively upset at what I stand to lose out on at this stage - not just the experience of love and affection and feeling important to someone special, but a family, marriage, a life partner. I want what everyone else wants - I'm just years behind everyone. I've never had someone I could call my 'boyfriend'.

I want those things like anyone else. And I've done a lot with my life - it's not like I've nothing better to do than sit at home pining for a man. I have a great life outside of this. I have an incredibly interesting, challenging and exciting job which I work my ass off for. I've lived all over the world since I graduated from college. I have wonderful family and friends who I meet regularly. I travel loads. I have no financial woes. I just want someone to share all of that with so badly and I'm failing at every hurdle - and those failures are lowering my self esteem and making me inclined to shut myself off a bit more every time.

And I'm out of excuses as to 'why am I single' - from well-meaning relatives, friends, work colleagues. The honest answer is 'i can't attract a man that I like for more than five minutes' - but saying that adds to a sense of desperation that I'm certain won't help my cause.

Sorry for the mammoth post. I'm just a bit low right now because of this most recent disappointment. I wanted him so badly and the blatent NO of it, when put in context of my lack of dating success my whole life, is a bit overwhelming.

Any advice or insight anyone can offer would be a great help. Thanks for reading x

Sorry, but the statements in bold are a little incompatible.

Without knowing you, I wonder are you falling for a variety of guys too easily? If you are looking for a longer term partner there is a fair chance that the majority of guys you are meeting are looking for something different from the relationship. You need to work on weeding these guys out as early as possible. I find it difficult to see how anyone can have a texting realtionship like this with someone they have never met. Even that last guy sounds to have been after sex even though he didnt say it.

As written above you do need to look at other ways of meeting guys other than the websites. not saying that these should be dispensed with but be reasonablycautious in getting sucked in before a few dates have happened at least.

I also would say to you to set standards......and stick to them. You met the guy that said he was only in it for the one night stand and you still met and slept with him!! You cant then give him as an example of guys that dont hang around....he made it clear in advance.

Unfortunately it is not a given that you will meet someone to have a long term relationship with. Unfortunately there are many great people of both sexes that it hasnt happened for.

Regarding websites, try and identify if there are other dating websites that are not just for casual hook ups. The only other thing i would say is to be generally friendly to strangers in meeting (which many women are not). Also dont be afraid to ask a guy off your own bat.

Best of luck.

Dial Hard · 24-07-2014 2:21pm

kylith wrote: »

The majority of people using dating apps and sites are there just for sex.

Sorry, but that's patently untrue. There are a significant minority of people just looking to hook up alright, but in my experience, the vast, vast majority of people on online dating are genuine.

OP, I don't really have a simple answer for you. I know you're saying that you're establishing from the outset with the people you get chatting to that you're looking for something more than a casual fling, but is your keenness to meet someone perhaps leading you to be a bit more overtly flirty while you're chatting to them than you maybe realise? It doesn't really matter what you've said to someone if they're getting other, more sexualised signals from you. Not saying that this is the case, but it's something to to think about. I'd also avoid ANY mention of anyone staying in your house in the very early stages, even if you think you're just being nice. If a guy lives far away from you but asks you on a date, well then quite frankly how he gets home is his problem, not yours.

tcif · 24-07-2014 2:41pm

loeloelonely wrote: »

I wanted him so badly...

Do you think that might have shown? You invited a guy you were meeting for the first time into your home for the night which I think was a bad start - he wasn't your friend in town for the night where the practical thing of offering a bed applies. He was a potential boyfriend and even without sex, it's too much, too personal, too soon,and that's without even considering the safety element of it! Then if he sensed you were overly eager, or maybe trying too hard, the intensity of it may have put him off.

You should be taking a step back too, giving yourself time to get to know a guy a bit better before deciding if there's anything there, and the fact you were so hurt by this shows you had already invested emotionally after only two weeks and without even meeting the guy.

Have you asked any of your friends for their advice or take on this? Someone who knows you and maybe has been out with you when you've been out with a guy may be able to offer some insight on why things don't get past a few dates, or maybe on your taste in men. No offence, but sometimes people are drawn to a type that's not a good match for them or what they're looking for. Ask a good friend for some honest answers and maybe you'll learn something that will help.

And the answer to your question 'why am I single' is not 'i can't attract a man that I like for more than five minutes' - that is such a negative view of yourself and you shouldn't think like that. You're single because you haven't met the right person YET. That has been true for everyone at the points in our lives we've been single and hoping to meet someone so you're not different or alone in that. You're not failing the hurdles.

ash23 · 24-07-2014 2:59pm

OP I think you're getting way too invested, way too early. As a result your self esteem is low and you come across as such. And then you only attract guys who want to abuse that fact. The decent guys want a girl who is confident, who is open to just seeing where it goes by dating them and is not looking to rush them into a relationship.

I used to be a bit like you and got burned many, many times. And eventually I realised I was the common denominator. I was the girl that guys who were looking to cheat on their girlfriends hit on. The ONS kind of girl. And it's not that I was easy or putting that out there. It was because I was suffering from low self esteem and giving off signals that scared decent guys away, leaving me with the scummy ones.

If I went on about being single or my breakup with a guy, most nice guys would back quickly away lol. The ones who stuck around are the ones who know you're vunerable and know they can use it to their advantage.

It became crystal clear to me when I got chatting to a guy one night and initially I was thinking "wow, he's gorgeous and he's sound". But after a while he got onto putting himself down and talking about how lonely he was. And I thought "get me the hell out of here". And when I made my excuses and left, he looked so hurt and I felt bad but then again, I'd only met him. I owed him nothing.

Walking home I realised that is what I was like. And that is why i was repelling nice normal guys.

So I went on an all out ban of guys. Focussed on myself, my friends, having fun.....and met someone a few months later. It didn't work out but it lasted a year and he treated me so well. He was very kind and he made me feel great about myself. So when it ended, I didn't spiral into misery again. I knew I was worth more. I deserved more. I tried online dating and as soon as it turned smutty or became clear the guys were tools, I cut them off.

When I went on a date, I didn't build it up into anything more than that. Just a date. And if I wasn't feeling it, I just chalked it up to experience and moved on. Met someone, we clicked but even then, I gave it a few dates before I slept with him.

We're together nearly a year and happy out.

You really need to get yourself sorted. If you don't think very highly of yourself, you can't expect other people to.

Addle · 24-07-2014 3:09pm

ash23 wrote: »

OP I think you're getting way too invested, way too early. As a result your self esteem is low and you come across as such.

You seem pretty confident to me OP.
Maybe too confident/independent? Can that be seen as a negative?

kylith · 24-07-2014 3:11pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Sorry, but that's patently untrue. There are a significant minority of people just looking to hook up alright, but in my experience, the vast, vast majority of people on online dating are genuine.

I suppose it depends on the site, Tinder would probably have a higher proportion of people looking for a one night stand than eHarmony. I can only speak from my own experience a few years ago but it certainly seemed like the majority were there for ONSs and some will certainly pretend that they're looking for a relationship in order to get women.

beks101 · 24-07-2014 3:38pm

Stop using men to validate yourself. This is a symptom of someone with really low self esteem - using something external as a source for their own self worth - and it's getting you in big trouble.

You're telling men you "want more" than sex and then you're jumping into bed with them, probably to satisfy your own ego as much as to try to win them over. Stop doing that. Nothing will change if you do that. You'll continue to feel like you're "not wanted", when in reality you are introducing the sex part to the equation too early and selling yourself on that.

What about this intelligence you mention? This personality? This love for travel? Talk about those things, focus on the things you love and if Mr Date across from you is still only interested in getting into your knickers, roll your eyes and move on. You're in the game long enough to know that there are a LOT of men out there and you're playing right into their hands.

Stop inviting strange men back to your place and into your bed. What have they done to deserve that? Asked you out? Bought you a drink? You can wrap it up in "I was just being nice" all you want, but deep down you KNOW if you make that suggestion to a guy on a first date, he's thinking "bingo! Fun time girl!"

More to the point it's YOUR bed, YOUR home and someone needs to be deserving and worthy of that level or intimacy if you're looking for something more meaningful than a ONS.

Put a price on yourself. Respect your own wishes a bit more. If someone gets smutty or sexual before you've had a chance to get to know them - cut them off. Don't play into their hands. There's plenty of men out there that want more, they're just probably as someone else said, not on your radar as they should be.

Listen, dating is a minefield. Online dating is even worse because it's a gamble every. Single. Time. There's just no knowing how either of you will feel and if every essence of your being is poured into the date going well and the guy wanting more, you're setting yourself up for an endless cycle of pain and misery and suffering.

Your post is so full of negativity about yourself that I would say right now you're a walking target. It's such a cliche, but if you can't see your own worth - you'll have that poor self image reflected back at you through the guys you date. You'll continue to be a self fulfilling prophecy, falling for guys who reinforce this idea that you are not good enough.

Fcuk that! Why should a man hold that power? What about YOU? How are you going to cope with life if you don't find thr right man? Lock yourself in a room for the rest of your days? Cry yourself to sleep every night? Kill yourself?

You have to be ENOUGH for yourself, right this very second, because this "woe is me, I need a man to rescue me" isn't attractive to any upstanding, emotionally healthy, confident man who is interested in treating you well.

I would go as far as to say - quit the dating sites and apps etc. not because it's the wrong avenue, but because you've fallen into a dating pattern through it that doesn't support your emotional health, and until you can build up your confidence and self esteem again, that is NOT going to change.

If I were you, I would take a dating sabbatical for a while and try to get back to yourself. Your TRUE self. The one that loves life and her friends and family and doesn't live in fear and anxiety of things not happening. That is a recipe for disastrous decision making.

What do you love to do? What are some goals that you hope to achieve, maybe by the end of the year? Whose company brings you endless joy? Focus on those things, they breed confidence from the inside. Run a marathon, climb a mountain, travel to Peru, meet up with your best friends every week, spend time with your family.

Then when you're feeling more confident about yourself, draw up a list of things in men that make you feel BAD about yourself (guys who want one thing, jumping into bed too soon, guys who push the boundaries beyond your comfort level, guys who arent interested in getting to know you) and operate on a zero tolerance policy. If you see those things, you walk away. THEY have to be good enough. THEY have to prove they are worth your time. It's a lot easier to see things that way with a healthy dose of self esteem than the way you currently are.

boredatwork82 · 24-07-2014 3:51pm

I was in a similar position to this, except I was the guy. The girl I was seeing was great, but she was just so invested in the future that she forgot to live the present.

You said that early on you established that you saw this relationship as something more than a casual.
If you commit way too early, guys get scared (me included) because if you go along with the relationship for a couple of months and then decide its not working, have you then wasted valuable time in this womans life with her Biological clock and stuff.

That's just for that relationship.

As for why you are still single, my friends have a theory that I am still single because I have had very few meaningful relationships, and as a result I have become too independent and to an extent selfish and they reckon I am not suited to been in a relationship as I have been doing my own thing for too long. I disagree with them, but they might have something.

Anyways keep the head up, enjoy yourself , enjoy life, and it will sort itself out.

ash23 · 24-07-2014 3:53pm

Addle wrote: »

You seem pretty confident to me OP.
Maybe too confident/independent? Can that be seen as a negative?

It's possible to be very confident in some aspects of life and not others. Op sounds confident about work, friends etc but painfully down on herself about relationships and men.

auldgranny · 24-07-2014 4:06pm

Great advice becks. Well said.

JeffKenna · 24-07-2014 6:38pm

boredatwork82 wrote: »

You said that early on you established that you saw this relationship as something more than a casual.
If you commit way too early, guys get scared (me included) because if you go along with the relationship for a couple of months and then decide its not working, have you then wasted valuable time in this womans life with her Biological clock and stuff.

Hi OP, i think you've got some brilliant advise so far so I'm not going to repeat it. If you take even 10% of it on board your doing well.

Just wanted to agree with this point. I find that sometimes when a girl wants to commit too early it jumps at me that she's not really that interested in me as a person but only only interested in getting herself a boyfriend. So the only advise I would add is to play it oh so cool at the start.

mrty · 24-07-2014 9:37pm

loeloelonely wrote: »

I'm feeling really low after a bad run of dating luck and could do with some honest answers.

I'm a 29 year old female who has never had a significant relationship beyond a month or two. I've had a rake of casual hook ups over the years and I've dated quite a bit, but I've found it impossible to keep a guy interested beyond a few dates and things inevitably fizzle.

It's been honestly the most frustrating aspect of my life so far and as time passes, my yearning for a relationship is becoming stronger and my self esteem is waning with my seeming inability to find what comes so easily to almost everyone else. Finding it hard to believe I can be a 'catch' or I can be attractive if so many guys can feel so 'meh' about me and find it easy to walk away.

For a bit of background, I have a great job which I have worked very hard for, am very intelligent, a real people person, have travelled the world and am full of personality. I'm no supermodel but I'm certainly attractive, the casual hook-ups come easy to me (not like that's any big achievement).

I just yearn for so much more and have completely lucked out with every guy I've met that I've been attracted to. I've done a lot of internet dating over the years. For a long time I ended up falling into the trap of sleeping with a guy too soon, maybe in some misguided attempt to make him like me more, you can imagine how successful those encounters were.

More recently I've been trying to be more honest and frank about what I want. I've been on a popular dating app for the last few months. The last three guys I've met in a row, didn't want me in more than a casual way. First guy said it explicitly after the first date, I met up a second time and foolishly slept with him, never saw him again. Second guy, two great dates, lots of interest his end, lots of texting, let him stay over in mine on the second date coz he was coming in from a different city to meet me....after the second date the texts stopped and he started responding with one-liners to everything I said.

This most recent one hurt me a bit more. We chatted all day every day by text for two weeks. I established early on that I was interested in more than a casual hookup, he said he was too. It was almost like having a boyfriend for those two weeks - he texted first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I've known to avoid that kind of contact and affection before you've actually met a guy in the real world - but it just seemed to happen and it felt right. We finally got time to meet on Tuesday night and as planned he stayed over (he lives way outside the city and we planned before he came over that we wouldn't have sex because we both 'wanted more').

Well a great date with a lovely guy who I really fancied and wanted to see again has ended once again in blatant rejection. He was really affectionate and forward until the next morning, when he seemed to pull back a bit and after a really awkward goodbye and a few stiff texts I just outright asked him if he wasn't feeling it - 'i don't think so. Sorry '

I'm just I guess at a loss as to how to meet anyone at this stage. I'm not a teenager anymore and feel like I should have figured out the rudiments of dating and relationships by now - but nothing ever works for me. I'm getting positively upset at what I stand to lose out on at this stage - not just the experience of love and affection and feeling important to someone special, but a family, marriage, a life partner. I want what everyone else wants - I'm just years behind everyone. I've never had someone I could call my 'boyfriend'.

I want those things like anyone else. And I've done a lot with my life - it's not like I've nothing better to do than sit at home pining for a man. I have a great life outside of this. I have an incredibly interesting, challenging and exciting job which I work my ass off for. I've lived all over the world since I graduated from college. I have wonderful family and friends who I meet regularly. I travel loads. I have no financial woes. I just want someone to share all of that with so badly and I'm failing at every hurdle - and those failures are lowering my self esteem and making me inclined to shut myself off a bit more every time.

And I'm out of excuses as to 'why am I single' - from well-meaning relatives, friends, work colleagues. The honest answer is 'i can't attract a man that I like for more than five minutes' - but saying that adds to a sense of desperation that I'm certain won't help my cause.

Sorry for the mammoth post. I'm just a bit low right now because of this most recent disappointment. I wanted him so badly and the blatent NO of it, when put in context of my lack of dating success my whole life, is a bit overwhelming.

Any advice or insight anyone can offer would be a great help. Thanks for reading x

Hey there. Its really simple you just haven't met the right person yet. As for those 3 guys you talked about. The first 2 sounded like they just wanted one thing I would definitely not look at it as a reflection on you. It just doesn't work that way. Who knows what happened with the third guy may have been something as simple as logistics dating someone from a different town, it tough I've done it. Also you sound very accomplished, I know this is gonna sound silly but some people mainly ones that lack a proper education like myself can find that a bit intimidating or slightly embarrassing that their accomplishments come no where close. In any event you sound totally normal believe me you are not alone, 29 is not to old to be signal :-) . my bit of advice for what its worth is not to settle, I'm sure the right guy will turn up and you don't want to have to hurt someone else when he does. Take care I really hope things work out for you soon.

mrty · 24-07-2014 9:41pm

kylith wrote: »

The majority of people using dating apps and sites are there just for sex. I'd recommend that you join a club or society or go along to some meetup.com events to get to know men in a more social, natural, and real setting.

Not the case at all. The majority are not just after sex. This kind of nonsense just adds stigmas. But yeah joining a club good idea like minded people and all that.

Colonel Panic · 24-07-2014 10:13pm

There is nothing wrong with sleeping with a guy "too soon". Some guys are after sex and and delaying the inevitable doesn't make you an undesirable person. The problem with online dating is that while it can lead to great success, it's also very much a numbers game and as we (I'm in my mid 30s) get older, it becomes easier for less than honest individuals to get laid.

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It doesn't mean all men are like that.

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 10:36pm

Thank you all endlessly. I have a lot to mull over in the coming days and I fully intend on taking all of this advice onboard.

I met a friend for dinner this evening and talked things through. She's also single, same age and has been using the same dating app...with the same results.

As Becks101 said, it's something I think I need to take a break from, as it's simply not working and my head isn't in the right place to deal with it right now. I feel a bit, and excuse the dramatisation, but a bit damaged from all of these experiences, I feel like each time I meet someone new and it all goes to hell it wears me down a bit more and I lose faith in ever actually meeting someone.

It's pretty clear to me that I have some significant self esteem issues that are not working in my favour and probably preventing me from erecting the sort of boundaries I should when I meet someone new. I think when I go on a date, I often go in with a 'glass half empty' sort of attitude, not knowing exactly what is attractive or worthy about me and that makes it easy to just get sexual very quickly - it's like an expectation that I'll never see the guy again, so instead I just foolishly think, 'may as well just have fun with it'.

The sad part being that it's never fun and it always chips even further at my self confidence.

So I've deleted the app and have decided to take the focus off my dating life for the next few months. I want to focus on getting healthy, mentally and emotionally and physically, and getting my life sorted. Things like work life balance, fitness and lifestyle, sleeping pattern, diet etc, have definitely slipped for me over the last few years and I feel if I can get those things in order, I might feel better about myself. I might be less anxious about meeting someone and more concerned with feeling good about myself.

ash23 wrote: »

It's possible to be very confident in some aspects of life and not others. Op sounds confident about work, friends etc but painfully down on herself about relationships and men.

This definitely describes me. I've been successful professionally and I have an amazing circle of family and friends, so it's easy to be confident about those things. I get on really well with most people so I'm pretty confident socially.

That success has not been replicated dating-wise in my life. It's almost like my Achilles heel at this point and the longer it continues, the more hopeless I get. It's hard because on an intellectual level I can see I have a lot to offer. I just have trouble believing it or feeling it emotionally, because I've not really met anyone who reinforced this idea that I'm any sort of catch.

The latest fella just caught my imagination, saying all the right things over text message, texting every morning, noon and night without fail, the compliments, the charm, the seeming emotional availability where I've become so used to the oppposite...and I suppose I pinned a lot of hopes on him. Realistically it was more the idea of him I fell for - it's been a long time since anyone has 'commit' to me in any way, and even though it wasn't 'real' in ANY sense of the word, I got sucked in against my greater judgement. I guess then it was a kick to the ego that he wasn't interested after meeting me and it sort of brings up all those old insecurities about not being pretty enough, skinny enough, blah blah blah.

i don't know what lies ahead for me but I know that I need to take the spotlight off my dating life for a while because it's hurting my head and it's a vicious circle at the moment. i'm too sensitive and vulnerable to how guys respond to me and I don't want to have to deal with the headfcuk of that anymore.

Thanks for making me see that and for all the supportive comments. Maybe there's hope for me yet..

DizzyDamsel · 24-07-2014 10:36pm

I haven't read all the replies.............. OP, you seem to have had a full life for someone so young, do you think the guys you meet feel a bit intimated by that? ...Do you gush out all you've done with your life on the first date?

Lesmanic · 24-07-2014 10:46pm

Don't worrie OP , it will be worth the wait when the right person comes along and you will think back and wonder why you ever worried .
Don't change and stay true to yourself and that special person will come along !

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 10:46pm

Something I forgot to mention in my previous post...

When I asked the most recent guy if he 'just wasn't feeling it, he responded with 'I thought you felt that way too to be honest.' That he just got a vibe that I wasn't interested. I don't know if he was just saying it to soften the blow, but I know for sure I was holding back the next day with him because he seemed a lot more distant, far less affectionate. I just knew in my gut that his interest had diminished and I didn't want to look like a desperate eejit trying to hold his hand or get close to him if that was the case.

It's made me think though. I have absolutely no idea how I'm coming across to these guys I meet. In my head, probably because my self esteem is so low, I always blame my appearance as a first port of call and imagine if I was 'prettier' or 'hotter' or whatever, the guys would stick around. But saying that I've never been short of male attention and wouldn't be the worst looking by a long shot...it's just sort of unsettling to think it's something in my personality or demeanour that's putting guys off. I don't know who to ask about this stuff as my friends don't generally meet the guys I date etc - I'm not sure who is best to ask?

It's hard to know if I'm being far too full on and too flirty or the other extreme...you know? I know for sure I'm getting a lot more guarded with all these dating experiences, it's bloody hard not to to be honest.

dgt · 24-07-2014 10:53pm

OP, I have a friend who was in a similar situation. She could not find a fella despite multiple dates/hook ups/one night stands. This went on for at least 3 years where now and again she would turn to me for advice and a male perspective on things she had issues about

These days, she is now engaged to her current fella and is very happy with how things are, they seem to be well matched and enjoy their time together

Don't lose the faith OP. The right person will turn up. It just needs time. Try not to overthink or rush

Bafucin · 24-07-2014 11:28pm

OP,
Your life while very interesting seem very transient. You seem to have lived many places and been always on the go. Transiency makes it difficult to put down roots in the long term, for friendships and romantic relationships. If you don't have a large group of long term friends it can mean meeting people on a deeper level does not happen.

Please feel good about yourself. In your case I would wager it is lack of emotional relationship experience and also lifestyle. Many moves and travel can make permanent relationships difficult.

This is perhaps the most important thing I have to say. Relationships ARE NOT ESTABLISHED by text or online. The fact that someone texts you everyday means nothing. It is a ten second thing. Online interaction and texting does not create emotional intimacy 99% of the time. Face to face interaction does.

Finding a gf/bf is hard so when you find one you hold on. But you often have to date lots of people to find one. You seem to be sleeping with all of these dates though and that is the major difference between you and a lot of other women. Not that there is anything wrong with it. But you are not enjoying it.

Sleep with someone when you feel emotionally secure with them and you will still have to date many people maybe. But at least you will not be as emotionally vulnerable. Also the online thing rarely if ever works..you need to focus on friends and getting to know people better in real life.

LegacyUser · 25-07-2014 12:44am

Speaking as a man and a very much older one at that, I would like to offer some advice.
Unfortunately most men want their cake and eat it. Time was they couldn't have cake at the drop of a hat and had to invest some time in a relationship before getting anywhere.
Many of us guys, when young, cannot see the difference between love & affection and sex & lust. Love & affection and respect takes time and also a certain amount of commitment. If we can cut to the chase and get straight to the sex & lust then,why bother going to all the effort in pursuing a relationship.
I am not going to judge and perfectly understand that times have changed. I also admit that if we had the same "Liberal times" that we have now, many of us who commited probably wouldn't have. I strongly urge that you make it clear to the next Mr Right that you want to pursue a relationship and that your goals are commitment and that he has to make an effort to get to know you and wants to build a relationship with you. Then and only then will he get nooky.
I know I will probably get everyones feathers ruffled on here,with such an old fashioned nonsense, but believe me I have a lot more life experience than you and you will quickly sort the wheat from the chaff

diveout · 25-07-2014 8:37am

loeloelonely wrote: »

The latest fella just caught my imagination, saying all the right things over text message, texting every morning, noon and night without fail, the compliments, the charm, the seeming emotional availability where I've become so used to the oppposite...and I suppose I pinned a lot of hopes on him. Realistically it was more the idea of him I fell for - it's been a long time since anyone has 'commit' to me in any way, and even though it wasn't 'real' in ANY sense of the word, I got sucked in against my greater judgement. I guess then it was a kick to the ego that he wasn't interested after meeting me and it sort of brings up all those old insecurities about not being pretty enough, skinny enough, blah blah blah.

.

Do not fall for this. I could do this and get anyone to go to bed with me, probably even straight women, and I'm straight. Anyone can do this too. It is sooo easy.....the charm offensive. Just don't buy into it. It means nothing. It's a game, that is all it is. By falling for it you are giving away control of your ego, so when it's withdrawn your ego gets a kick.

You are letting yourself be too vulnerable. Get some control back.

wisewitch00 · 25-07-2014 9:41am

Just read ur post I gsrentee its noting your doing wrong I really do think finging love is mostly about luck snd getting hurt along the way untill u find a genuine man im 35 and have been looking untill recently I think ive finally found the right man I noticed my luck changed when I started broadning my search and dating different nationality s irish women seem to stick to dating just irish men there are an abundane of nationality s in ireland now my advice is step aeay from ur norm give a different nationality a chance I have and am so happy

Greenduck · 25-07-2014 10:47am

Hi OP, you sound exactly like a pal of mine. She tried everything...online dates, normal dates, hobby clubs the lot but kept coming up short after a few dates. They would claim to be 'only looking for fun' or eventually just ignored her. It was heartbreaking to see my beautiful, intelligent, kind friend being walked on. Sometimes she slept with them on the 1st night, other times she didn't. She would get frustrated that it didn't seem to matter what she did, she wouldn't hear back from them.

They one night she met a guy, got completely smashed, slept with him (all the technically 'wrong' things to do) and called me next day, mortified and upset that he would be added to the long list of blokes who didn't call back.

However, he did call back and now they are together years and very happy. She kissed loads (and loads) of frogs for years and almost gave up. She blamed herself, her behaviour, the dog, the weather everything. The mad thing was she hadn't met the person for her. It was really that simple. Dont blame yourself, dont blame online dating..its no ones fault. You just haven't met the person you're meant to be with. The silver lining is that you're not wasting time with some loser that's not for you for the sake of being in a relationship.

I really hope it works out for you!

DoozerT6 · 25-07-2014 11:23am

Greenduck wrote: »

You just haven't met the person you're meant to be with. The silver lining is that you're not wasting time with some loser that's not for you for the sake of being in a relationship.

In fairness though, not every guy who isn't The One is going to be an asshole - this kind of irks me, where people say to single people 'oh well, at least you're not stuck with some loser' - who would knowingly choose THAT type of person for themselves? The OP certainly doesn't sound like she would. I wouldn't either, and I'm also single my whole life and a good bit older than the OP.

Just because a guy isn't The One, doesn't mean that you can't have a nice time, even a relationship(s), with a guy(s) who treats you well, you both like each other, you get to have the whole 'relationship experience' with them, and it just didn't work out in the end. You LEARN from these experiences. Not everyone meets their soulmate first time round. You go out with other guys, learn what you like, what your own particular needs or wants are from a partner, and eventually you hopefully meet Him/Her, right? (If you choose 'losers', well then you have a whole different set of issues to deal with....)

Well what if you never have those experiences? 'At least you're not stuck with a loser' is cold comfort to someone like me, and I'm assuming the OP, who can't attract ANYONE, even a loser, haha...

Anyway, this just struck a chord with me. Carry on, nothing to see here.....

Greenduck · 25-07-2014 11:42am

DoozerT6 wrote: »

In fairness though, not every guy who isn't The One is going to be an asshole - this kind of irks me, where people say to single people 'oh well, at least you're not stuck with some loser' - who would knowingly choose THAT type of person for themselves? The OP certainly doesn't sound like she would. I wouldn't either, and I'm also single my whole life and a good bit older than the OP.

Just because a guy isn't The One, doesn't mean that you can't have a nice time, even a relationship(s), with a guy(s) who treats you well, you both like each other, you get to have the whole 'relationship experience' with them, and it just didn't work out in the end. You LEARN from these experiences. Not everyone meets their soulmate first time round. You go out with other guys, learn what you like, what your own particular needs or wants are from a partner, and eventually you hopefully meet Him/Her, right? (If you choose 'losers', well then you have a whole different set of issues to deal with....)

Well what if you never have those experiences? 'At least you're not stuck with a loser' is cold comfort to someone like me, and I'm assuming the OP, who can't attract ANYONE, even a loser, haha...

Anyway, this just struck a chord with me. Carry on, nothing to see here.....

It's different for everyone but personally I don't believe in soulmates or the 'ONE'. You're automatically narrowing your search to one person out of billions which is unrealistic.

When I used the word 'loser' i refer to that person who doesn't treat you well, doesnt respect you and your life but you go with them anyway for fear of being alone, not the ones you're just not compatible with like you outlined. Its happened to me, my friends/family and I'm sure plenty we wont be the last either. Ultimately its a waste of time that you could be spending on yourself and doing what you want.

Sorry if it offended

DoozerT6 · 25-07-2014 11:46am

Greenduck wrote: »

Sorry if it offended

No apology required and no offence taken

You made a very valid point. I'm just a bit emotional about the whole relationship thing at the moment and am on the verge of genuinely giving up on even trying to find someone, and coming to terms with life alone. It's quite a lot to wrap my head around.

Anyway, I won't hijack this thread any more.

Greenduck · 25-07-2014 12:40pm

DoozerT6 wrote: »

No apology required and no offence taken You made a very valid point. I'm just a bit emotional about the whole relationship thing at the moment and am on the verge of genuinely giving up on even trying to find someone, and coming to terms with life alone. It's quite a lot to wrap my head around.

Anyway, I won't hijack this thread any more.

Its usually when you resign yourself to being alone that you find the person you're looking for. x

DoozerT6 · 25-07-2014 1:54pm

Greenduck wrote: »

Its usually when you resign yourself to being alone that you find the person you're looking for. x

If I hear/read that one more time.....

:D:D:D:D

But thanks for the kind thought

LegacyUser · 25-07-2014 3:41pm

Greenduck wrote: »

Hi OP, you sound exactly like a pal of mine. She tried everything...online dates, normal dates, hobby clubs the lot but kept coming up short after a few dates. They would claim to be 'only looking for fun' or eventually just ignored her. It was heartbreaking to see my beautiful, intelligent, kind friend being walked on. Sometimes she slept with them on the 1st night, other times she didn't. She would get frustrated that it didn't seem to matter what she did, she wouldn't hear back from them.

They one night she met a guy, got completely smashed, slept with him (all the technically 'wrong' things to do) and called me next day, mortified and upset that he would be added to the long list of blokes who didn't call back.

However, he did call back and now they are together years and very happy. She kissed loads (and loads) of frogs for years and almost gave up. She blamed herself, her behaviour, the dog, the weather everything. The mad thing was she hadn't met the person for her. It was really that simple. Dont blame yourself, dont blame online dating..its no ones fault. You just haven't met the person you're meant to be with. The silver lining is that you're not wasting time with some loser that's not for you for the sake of being in a relationship.

I really hope it works out for you!

Thank you for this. It brought a tear to my eye!

I feel a bit like this really if I’m honest. Like I’m sick of psychoanalysing my own behaviour and feeling like I’m always the one at fault. It’s hard not to become introspective and self-critical when you’ve had years of the same old sh1t, dates that fade into oblivion, this big build up and butterflies and then that pit in my stomach when it inevitably goes nowhere. I really do believe that my behaviour / self-esteem isn’t helping – it can’t be a coincidence that this has pretty much summed up my entire dating life to date.
I guess I just get worried that I haven’t developed the relationship ‘skills’ that other people have at this stage and maybe I’m ‘too single’ – being on my own and doing my own thing without being accountable etc is just so normal to me. I don’t ‘fall into’ relationships naturally like so many people seem to…and at my age, I don’t exactly have many years to waste if I’m interested in having a family etc. Not that that’s at the forefront of my mind, but it is a thought.

I’m also sick of the ‘it’ll happen when you least expect it’ brigade…I almost never expect it, it doesn’t happen…go figure!! I’m quite a proactive person in all ways – very resourceful and practical in my job and otherwise – and I don’t believe I should just sit back and wait for a relationship to ‘happen’ to me. Doing that has gotten me nowhere. I do believe it’s something I need to work at…but it’s hard to strike the balance between putting yourself out there and being relaxed and confident and just laid back about things – which I know I need to be to not come across as some kind of crazed psycho man-eater….you know??

And I agree with the poster who said my life has been a bit transient...last country I lived in, things started to happen with a guy who I had known for a while and it definitely could've become a long term thing...but I was leaving so that ended that. Everywhere I go, I'm getting used to different men, different dating cultures etc. Funnily enough I have the worst luck with Irish men...always find them most difficult to read...never get approached by them...!

Lux23 · 25-07-2014 7:54pm

Greenduck wrote: »

Hi OP, you sound exactly like a pal of mine. She tried everything...online dates, normal dates, hobby clubs the lot but kept coming up short after a few dates. They would claim to be 'only looking for fun' or eventually just ignored her. It was heartbreaking to see my beautiful, intelligent, kind friend being walked on. Sometimes she slept with them on the 1st night, other times she didn't. She would get frustrated that it didn't seem to matter what she did, she wouldn't hear back from them.

They one night she met a guy, got completely smashed, slept with him (all the technically 'wrong' things to do) and called me next day, mortified and upset that he would be added to the long list of blokes who didn't call back.

However, he did call back and now they are together years and very happy. She kissed loads (and loads) of frogs for years and almost gave up. She blamed herself, her behaviour, the dog, the weather everything. The mad thing was she hadn't met the person for her. It was really that simple. Dont blame yourself, dont blame online dating..its no ones fault. You just haven't met the person you're meant to be with. The silver lining is that you're not wasting time with some loser that's not for you for the sake of being in a relationship.

I really hope it works out for you!

This is exactly what happened to me, I was always single or chasing after a bloke who had no interest in me. Then one faithful Tuesday night I went to Coppers of all places and fell in love with the barman. These things happen and I'm glad I had my single years, they were great learning experiences and I wouldn't be the woman I an today without them.

TheBlock · 26-07-2014 1:09am

loeloelonely wrote: »

at my age, I don’t exactly have many years to waste if I’m interested in having a family etc

OP your 29!!! You've plenty of time...I met my wife when we were 31 and have three kids now. Don't rush in to stuff and don't settle for someone its the worst thing you could do.

cookiexx · 27-07-2014 5:13pm

Do you have any male friend who you'd feel comfortable talking to this stuff about?
I've had similar dating issues too, still single but having spoken to a male friend, he said I don't come across as all that approachable.not that I'm not friendly or easy to talk to or anything, more that I don't seem like someone who is single or open to being approached. I suppose when your single for so long, you become completely selfsufficient and independent and maybe that can sort of give off a vibe of 'not really bothered' or 'not in the market' or whatever.
I know that has sort of been the case with me anway. Just something to think about.

mylefttesticle · 27-07-2014 6:11pm

What is happening you now is called experience and one day you will probably look back and be glad you have these memories even if they don't seem like good ones now.

Dating is like buying a house, you look and you look and you look and you find one and someone comes in with a better offer or the bank wont authorize it or any number of things can go wrong to stop you from buying that house you really want and you look again and again again and it happens again and your exhausted by it and you want to give up but then one day you see a house and it completely surprises you, you walk through the door and instantly your at home, this is the house that was meant for you, all that rejection and disappointment of before you barely even remember it and when you do it doesn't seem like that big of deal because now you have the house that you really love and really want to grow old in.

Just never give up and never stop looking.

A tip for dating is always first date: Lunch! If they are interested really they will meet you, if they try and make it night time in a pub say no and move on.

Lunch time says I want to get to know you as I know we wont be drinking and in a dark place that has candles lit and has nice music playing and leads to anything but getting to know you.

Be firm and ready to move on.

Google online dating , your not alone and there is decent people who want the whole shebang and not just the bang.

Best of luck.

Ticking and Bashing · 27-07-2014 11:58pm

Also..there is much more to life than being in a relationship! Enjoy life while you're single! Reading other comments under ''Relationship Issues'' makes me wonder....jeez would these people be happier single!!

Why do men not want me?

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