Men - Am i doing something wrong?

marykitty47 · 13-07-2014 4:23pm #1

So here I am in the same situation again when it comes to men. Was messaging a guy on a dating app that rhymes with Pinder over the last month. Constant everyday messaging. We agreed to meet on Friday night for a drink. We got on great had a brilliant night and can honestly say I liked him that little bit more.
I messaged him on Saturday to see how he was hungover etc. I don't no if im been paranoid but his replied seem different. No banter like previous messages. I replied this morning as he asked me how I was etc. He has since seen the message but hasn't replied.

I think I am just going to give up on men at this stage. I keep falling into the same trap when it comes to guys.

Addle · 13-07-2014 4:29pm

What we're you hoping would happen?
Is Tinder not just a site to arrange casual hook ups?

cactusgal · 13-07-2014 4:47pm

No, Tinder is a dating app. My housemate met two really nice, professional guys through it and went out on several dates with them. They (and she) were looking to meet someone, not just a casual hookup.

freshpopcorn · 13-07-2014 5:06pm

Maybe he wasn't into to you. People on dates are generally polite.
Most people I've heard of using that app has just used it for hook ups. Are you sure he was looking for the same thing?

Terri26 · 13-07-2014 5:27pm

I concur with previous posters it is very much a hook up app! Sure it's based on swiping left or right on someone's looks not personality of what they would write on a profile like a proper dating site.
Of course you will find people on it looking for a relationship but for the vast majority of people who want to do proper internet dating they would use a full on internet dating website.

You're not doing anything wrong. You probably did have a nice date. Maybe he didn't feel chemistry, maybe he is dating a few different people, maybe is just busy but does like you.

Penny Tration · 13-07-2014 5:29pm

Maybe he's simply not into you?

Maybe you ARE indeed doing something wrong?

I don't know which tbh. It doesn't sound as though you're doing anything wrong, on the surface. However, considering you end up posting threads seeking advice about every single man you date, maybe there is something you're doing wrong for you to need advice every single time.

I don't mean that to be harsh at all, honestly. It's just that I don't know if you're doing something wrong. Perhaps you're being a little too intense? Based on your threads, which tend to run along the lines of 'I haven't heard from him for 2 days, is he not interested?,' I'd imagine that you may br way too invested too soon, and possibly scaring them away. Sorry, op.

marykitty47 · 13-07-2014 5:46pm

green_screen wrote: »

Maybe he's simply not into you?

Maybe you ARE indeed doing something wrong?

I don't know which tbh. It doesn't sound as though you're doing anything wrong, on the surface. However, considering you end up posting threads seeking advice about every single man you date, maybe there is something you're doing wrong for you to need advice every single time.

I don't mean that to be harsh at all, honestly. It's just that I don't know if you're doing something wrong. Perhaps you're being a little too intense? Based on your threads, which tend to run along the lines of 'I haven't heard from him for 2 days, is he not interested?,' I'd imagine that you may br way too invested too soon, and possibly scaring them away. Sorry, op.

Not eveyguy

. I was so hurt in the past and wasted time with someone who didn't want to be with me. It has taken me this long to get back out there. We went from talking every single day to this. I just prefer to know then left dangling and wondering

Terri26 · 13-07-2014 5:52pm

I know it's hard but you are getting too invested too quickly. Learn from your mistakes. Why are you talking to a guy every day before you met him? it leads to being hurt if you don't keep getting these regular texts.
I know it's hard to meet someone and it is so easy to get your hopes up when we like someone

Merkin · 13-07-2014 5:53pm

Mary, your assertion that maybe you should give up on men for the time being (as per your OP) is correct.

You start a few threads every single month on PI/RI about guys giving you the cold shoulder after you meet them or not responding to contact and I suspect in your desperation to meet someone (and you must be given the endless threads on the topic) then you'd be best advised to give dating and dating websites and apps a complete break for a while because I suspect that your desperation is being sensed by all these people who give you the brush off.

Give dating a break for a while as you've been advised now on numerous occasions.

njs030 · 13-07-2014 6:13pm

Isnt this at least your third post about men and texting?

Tbh op if you're thinking so much about him after one date you're over invested....but I think this was said to you last time too.

You don't seem capable of enjoying meeting someone, instead you analyse every communication using the excuse 'I've been hurt before' to justify it.

Guess what? Most people have been hurt- it's not an excuse to obsess or behave badly.
What you're doing wrong is obsessing over someone you don't know. Personally I've noticed people who are mad into constant contact at the beginning tend to disappear quite fast too. So I'd suggest cooling the contact and not getting so 'into' him so fast.

Though I really think you should give up on dating and spend some time alone, find things to do that you won't notice if he texts or not.

But I know you'll ignore this as you've ignored the same advice from multiple posters multiple times.

Mr. Loverman · 23-07-2014 7:28pm

cactusgal wrote: »

They (and she) were looking to meet someone, not just a casual hookup.

You do realise they were just saying that so she would sleep with them?

Think about it... they're using a hookup app.

cactusgal · 23-07-2014 8:06pm

Eh, well she didn't sleep with them, had several nice dates with both but ultimately didn't want to pursue a relationship with either. There's plenty of people who have met their partners through Tinder. Also plenty of hook ups too. I'm just saying it's not exclusively a hookup site and if I was single, I'd probably give it a go, too.

blatantrereg · 23-07-2014 8:24pm

You might have come on a bit strong. That is very off-putting. I have been on enjoyable first dates and then not wanted to follow them up simply because the person was too keen.

I certainly agree that you are getting invested too fast. It is definitely best not to become emotionally invested before you get to know a person. You can't really get to know a person online. You can get an impression that can indicate if they might be someone you might be interested in. If interested in meeting then it's best to meet pretty quickly in real life, not to develop a fake idea of them (which is not necessarily a result of being misled in any way).

kylith · 24-07-2014 10:02am

Honestly OP, I think you need to re-evaluate how you meet men. The majority of people using things like Tinder are looking for a hookup rather than a relationship and, ime, if you don't have sex on the first date you'll never hear from them again because they don't want to invest the time and energy into a conquest, and if you do sleep with them you'll never hear from them again because they've gotten what they want. And this is fine as long as everyone knows where they stand, it's when someone who wants a relationship gets mixed up in it that there's a problem.

I think that you should give the internet dating a break. Join a club or society, a book club, a class, and/or go along to some meetup.com events. Meet some men in a more relaxed, social setting so that you can get to know them before it goes any further. And for goodness sake stop texting all the time - some guys will go along with it to make you feel special so that they have a better chance of getting into your knickers. Don't act desperate and don't be too available.

mrty · 24-07-2014 10:34pm

marykitty47 wrote: »

So here I am in the same situation again when it comes to men. Was messaging a guy on a dating app that rhymes with Pinder over the last month. Constant everyday messaging. We agreed to meet on Friday night for a drink. We got on great had a brilliant night and can honestly say I liked him that little bit more.
I messaged him on Saturday to see how he was hungover etc. I don't no if im been paranoid but his replied seem different. No banter like previous messages. I replied this morning as he asked me how I was etc. He has since seen the message but hasn't replied.

I think I am just going to give up on men at this stage. I keep falling into the same trap when it comes to guys.

Don't give up we're not all bad, he was just a bit of a dick and a coward. You're gonna meet a lot more like that before you meet the one. Numbers game. Good luck.

Dial Hard · 25-07-2014 10:55am

For the love of criminy, Tinder is not a hook-up app - that's Blendr. And while there are a significant subset of people on OD who are just looking to get their end away, to say that "most" users have this as their sole intention is a gross generalisation and frankly quite insulting to the vast majority of people on OD who are perfectly genuine.

Honest to God, the way people go on in here you'd swear 9 out of 10 people on OD are shagging a different person every night of the week.

mrty · 25-07-2014 11:13am

kylith wrote: »

Honestly OP, I think you need to re-evaluate how you meet men. The majority of people using things like Tinder are looking for a hookup rather than a relationship and, ime, if you don't have sex on the first date you'll never hear from them again because they don't want to invest the time and energy into a conquest, and if you do sleep with them you'll never hear from them again because they've gotten what they want. And this is fine as long as everyone knows where they stand, it's when someone who wants a relationship gets mixed up in it that there's a problem.

I think that you should give the internet dating a break. Join a club or society, a book club, a class, and/or go along to some meetup.com events. Meet some men in a more relaxed, social setting so that you can get to know them before it goes any further. And for goodness sake stop texting all the time - some guys will go along with it to make you feel special so that they have a better chance of getting into your knickers. Don't act desperate and don't be too available.

Full of it, what makes you an expert on online dating. Those sweeping statements you made about internet dating are simply untrue. Its actually offensive.

Men - Am i doing something wrong?

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