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How to avoid leading people on/overthinking things

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  • 23-07-2014 11:13pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My problem is so silly but I really hope you guys can help me cop on! Basically I wouldnt be that experienced with lads(went to all girls school, never had lad friends or a boyfriend) but in the last year since I started college, I have been hanging round with lads more and while I enjoy this, I find it hard to be my normal open self with them for fear of leading them on.

    This stems from a couple of occasions where lads I thought were just good friends started developing feelings for me. I thought I was imagining it but then heard bits from mututal friends who then began trying to set us up on class nights out etc. I found this really awkward as I wasnt interested in them as anything more than friends but because it wasnt a direct invite out for a date or anything I couldnt turn them down. I also felt like I looked stuck up for believing that they were interested in me since they never made any direct move to ask me out/kiss me, although they were being more flirty, etc. My response to this was basically to avoid them, and pull back on the friendship. I hate the way iv dealt with this tho as I feel like im being ignorant, but also feel afraid of going back to being friendly as this seems to have been interpreted as romantic interest in the past with these particular guys.
    Now I find myself being standoffish with new guys I meet for fear of the same thing happening ( which is rediculous I know, im not gods gift by ANY means). I dont want to be like this with someone just because they are a lad, I want to be able to be as relaxed around men as I am around girls without always being worried about them misconstruing it. I also want to know how others deal with someone who appears to be developing a crush, so that you dont encuorage them, but also remain relaxed and friendly around them.

    Sorry for the long winded post


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    #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    no one?


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    #3
    ivytwine
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,114 ✭✭✭ivytwine


    I think time is the only healer here OP. I like you went to all girls' school and never had lad friends, and it's only through working with lads that I got to be able to talk to them properly.

    I think it will come with time. I also wouldn't stress too much about college drama. People have a way of forgetting these things, but only if the person concerned rises above the drama x


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    #4
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    Hey OP,

    I have mostly guy friends because I've always been a Tom Boy.

    Sometimes it happens that guys will become interested in you even though you just view them as friends. It's really annoying but it's actually easy enough to deal with.

    Sometimes the only thing that you can do is completely cut the person off. I've done this in the past when i've been really good friends with a guy and he all of a sudden declared his love for me. The friendship felt like a sham.

    Other times you can just deal with it with humour. If you hear that one of you guy friends is interested in you then ask him straight out. Tell him that you're just friends. Don't make it some big serious thing, just have a laugh about it.

    Don't forget that you can't believe anything until you hear it directly from the person. My best friend in college had a girlfriend but people would always say 'oh he's so into you.' He wasn't, they just wanted some gossip/something to entertain them. They didn't know he already had a girlfriend because she went to another college.

    Some girls can court the attention of guys and then say 'oh i was just being friendly'.

    The only strict rule that I have for myself when it comes to guy friends is to treat them as friends. I mean, don't ask them to do anything that you would ask a boyfriend to do i.e fix something, carry something or (god forbid but i've seen some 'friendly' girls do this) sit on their knee.

    I went to an all girls secondary school so I loved being in a mixed environment. Enjoy the experience and don't avoid making friends with guys. My best friends are all men.


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    #5
    Macavity.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,745 ✭✭✭Macavity.


    The truth is (at your age) if you are in anyway attractive, the vast majority of straight men who are your friends secretly want to have sex with you.

    That doesn't mean your friendship is a sham, they still may like you as a person and enjoy your company.


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    #6
    Meauldsegosha
    Registered Users Posts: 7,595 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    Macavity. wrote: »
    The truth is (at your age) if you are in anyway attractive, all the straight men who are your friends secretly want to have sex with you.

    That doesn't mean your friendship is a sham, they still may like you as a person and enjoy your company.

    Do you know all straight men? If not you can't speak for them.


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    #7
    Macavity.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,745 ✭✭✭Macavity.


    Meauldsegosha wrote: »
    Do you know all straight men? If not you can't speak for them.

    Fair enough, but it would be the case for every single one of my peers. "All" should probably be replaced with "vast majority".


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    #8
    Czarcasm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    Macavity. wrote: »
    Fair enough, but it would be the case for every single one of my peers. "All" should probably be replaced with "vast majority".


    Macavity the OP is trying not to overthink her interactions and the intentions of her male friends, and you're advising her that the "truth" is that if "she's any way good looking", the "vast majority" of her male friends want to have sex with her?

    That's not likely to have her overthinking her friends intentions at all really, is it?


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    #9
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Speaking as a guy, they may not like it but will get over it very quickly. Most of them will just go "meh" and go after another girl. The rest have problems anyway.

    Best way to handle it IMHO is just tell them you're not interested.

    Don't forget it can happen the other way round too.

    It's college - enjoy yourself! I certainly did :D


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    #10
    Macavity.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,745 ✭✭✭Macavity.


    Czarcasm wrote: »
    Macavity the OP is trying not to overthink her interactions and the intentions of her male friends, and you're advising her that the "truth" is that if "she's any way good looking", the "vast majority" of her male friends want to have sex with her?

    That's not likely to have her overthinking her friends intentions at all really, is it?

    I'm just telling her the situation Czarcasm. I'm not here to score thanks like a lot of other people in this forum. *cough*

    Like has been suggested already, if it is making her feel uncomfortable just let them know gently that she isn't interested.


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    #11
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Czarcasm wrote: »
    Macavity the OP is trying not to overthink her interactions and the intentions of her male friends, and you're advising her that the "truth" is that if "she's any way good looking", the "vast majority" of her male friends want to have sex with her?

    That's not likely to have her overthinking her friends intentions at all really, is it?
    I think the point is that she should just accept that a lot of men do think like this, and it's not specifically her actions that's causing it. So there's not point trying to over think this, as any attempt on her part to change it would be futile.


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    #12
    Bafucin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 642 ✭✭✭Bafucin


    you dont encuorage them, but also remain relaxed and friendly around them.

    That's it exactly. That is what you do.


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    #13
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Macavity. wrote: »
    I'm not here to score thanks like a lot of other people in this forum. *cough*

    MacCavity - like everybody here, your opinion is welcome. Accusations of thanks-whoring towards opinions that don't agree with yours, are not - please refrain from doing so again.

    Regards,
    Mike


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    #14
    mylefttesticle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭mylefttesticle


    You cant control who is attracted to you, all you can do is maintain honesty and clarity, if they get a problem with it then its them and not you and life has a tendency to weed out the people who are not genuine.


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    #15
    lazybones32
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,647 ✭✭✭lazybones32


    You can't stop other people getting the wrong idea...unrequited love and attraction is as old as mankind... and you'll stifle yourself if you try play it so safe that no-one gets the wrong idea, so park that pony right now.

    Fair play to you being so considerate of others but it is not your issue unless you are being overly physical or dropping a lot of ambiguous signals or deliberately teasing.

    Some men purposely (or subconsciously) try to befriend a girl in order to get with her, so these guys know the risks they are running and deserve no sympathy. If you're not leading them on you must stop worrying. I knew a girl in college that broke many hearts, through no fault of her own.


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here!thanks for all the replies!
    Guess its just something that I have to learn to deal with better. It doesnt happen with every guy but its annoying when you are acting like you do with all other friends(would never do the cock teasing I see other girls do- hate that ego boosting crap) and you can almost see the click of 'oh youre a girl, hang on....' in their head!
    I suppose I need to just acting like I normally would, I just hate the thought of leading someone on, but I suppose its better to continue on like I am and let them deal with feelings if they arise than go on the offensive and seem like a bitch which was my method thus far :Pthanks!


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