Was it just an isolated incident?

chellyry · 21-07-2014 10:59am #1

Hi all. I'm a bit hesitant about posting this but here goes.

About two years ago I saw a side of my boyfriend (of 5 years) that I never thought I would. Whenever we had fights they were never physical, always verbal. We had been out this night and he got very drunk. We had had a great time all night but on the journey home he got very pushy about looking for sexual things. I wasn't as drunk as him but still tipsy and just wasn't in the mood and felt kind of sick so told him to wait until the morning. He wouldn't just let it go though. He kept going on and on and on about it. I didn't think too much at this stage because it was just talk and thought he was just being annoying. When we eventually got home and the driver of the car went into the house I tried to get out but he stopped me. He started forcing my head down onto his lap and every time I pulled it up he pushed it back down and held it there, telling me to just do it (with a lot more swearing). He locked the door beside him and the door on the other side of me was blocked with too many things to make a quick exit before he grabbed me again. This went on for about ten minutes, with me crying and telling him he was hurting me and begging him to stop, before I was eventually able to quickly climb into the front of the car and get out. He followed me down to bed about five minutes later and just went straight to sleep. The next morning when I confronted him about it he had no recollection of the previous night and seemed genuinely gobsmacked and disgusted by what I told him he had done. He was extremely apologetic and I could see the guilt he felt all day.

I have no doubt that he doesn't remember it, and it was so out of character for him, so I had put it to the back of my mind and barely thought about it in the last two years. But after watching a programme containing domestic violence last night it just brought it all back to me and it has been on my mind all of last night and this morning.

Has anyone been in a similar situation to this before and if so, did their partner ever show that side of themselves again? Although it was just one incident a long time ago and I truly believe that he doesn't remember it and that he is sorry I still have that worry in my mind that it could happen again.

b_mac2 · 21-07-2014 12:17pm

Wow.

What a horrible peice of sh!t scumbag. I saw red reading that, no man should ever put a woman in that position!!! Drink is no excuse either. Leave him and don't think twice about doing it.

If you were my friend, I would be pushing you to go to the Gardai/courts to get a restraining order as well.

Ughhh what a cnut .

Neyite · 21-07-2014 12:19pm

Has he been that drunk with you since? Are you afraid of him when he is drunk? Or sober?

I dont know if a relationship can ever fully recover from a sexual assault, or if the trust can ever fully be restored. It may have been very much out of character, or it may well be that he is keeping a tight rein on his compulsions. It may be that there was one incidence of sexual abuse that he regrets, but in other more subtle ways his behaviour is ringing bells after that programme - I honestly dont know, and I dont think anyone online can tell you for sure.

What I would suggest is to talk to someone in Womens Aid - they are very approachable - I say that from personal experience. Ring them up and arrange to meet with someone to talk about it. See what they think, let them help you get your thoughts in order. They can help you identify if there are other DV markersin your relationship or not. And they can also help you process this sexual assault, which I do think you need to do, it sounds like it was very distressing.

shalalala · 21-07-2014 12:25pm

I understand completely. There have been times in both of my relationships where lines have been blurred. Not as blurred as this though. I honestly don't know if I could get over that OP. The fact that you crying and begging him to stop didn't snap him out of it is shocking.

From now on are you going to be scared whenever he drinks too much? That isn't how a relationship should be.

I would say leave. I know it is easier said then done but I think there will always be that fear.

Penny Tration · 21-07-2014 12:37pm

Jesus, my heart broke for you when I read that.

As to whether it could be a one off incident - it could. However, from personal experience, it probably won't be.

Can you live with wondering if he'll ever do it again? That's a choice you have to make. You begged him to stop, and he didn't. That's shocking. I know some people act out of character while drunk, but this is beyond that. He sexually assaulted you.

It may never happen again, but how will you know? if you stay with him, you'll have to live with the knowledge that it could happen again.

I really think you should do as Neyite suggested and contact women's aid. It doesn't sound as though you've full processed what he did to you.

Personally, i could never take the risk of going back.

LegacyUser · 21-07-2014 12:38pm

Yeah I've been through something similar. Was with my boyfriend about a year when it happened. After a night out we were back in my house and when I went to the toilet he read my phone where he saw texts from an ex. They weren't bad or anything really to hide. Anyway he flew into a rage, slapped me across the face, threw a pint of water over me, broke my phone in to pieces and threw a cigarette at me. He is not usually a big drinker so this was totally out of character. I did not speak to him for over a week but he was so so regretful of how he reacted. Long story short we are still together a year and a half later after the incident. He has never acted like this since and to be honest I haven't seen him that drunk since. Alcohol does have a lot to answer for. It's not an excuse but it is the cause.

tinkerbell · 21-07-2014 2:23pm

SarahLK wrote: »

. Alcohol does have a lot to answer for. It's not an excuse but it is the cause.

You have basically just said that alcohol DOES excuse that behaviour. You were physically assaulted by your boyfriend. Alcohol is NEVER an excuse for behaviour. Alcohol just makes you lose your inhibitions. A person who would never harm a fly doesn't become a psycho abusive person just because they are drunk. A person who becomes abusive when drunk, IMO, would have violent tendencies while sober.

Back to the OP, you were sexually assaulted. I really think you need to speak to someone about this. Personally, I don't know how your relationship could ever recover from that.

LegacyUser · 21-07-2014 4:26pm

What an awful thing to have happened to you op.

Going unregged for this for obvious reasons.

It happened to me too, it was on 2 occasions with the same person. We're not together any more but with the first time, some alcohol but not much was taken and the second we were both completely sober.

The first time, there was a particular sexual act he wanted to do. I said no but he overpowered me and did it anyway. He stopped after a while as I was crying and started shouting at me. The next morning was really weird, he didn't apologise or refer to the incident at all but was being super nice. He kept ringing my phone so when i finally answered, he said he didn't feel good about what happened and started making jokes about me getting the guards involved. We had a chat about it and never brought it up again. I sort of blanked it out as it was only suddenly a few years later that I remembered it at all.

The second time was years later where I was annoying him over something and he elbowed me in the stomach. The next morning, i asked him what the hell did he think he was doing. He said that he didn't know what was wrong with me but he never did anything like that and he never would, that he was a man who didn't hurt women and he HATED men that did.
He denied it, simply told me it didn't happen. But I was awake, i was bruised which i showed him after a few days, and he reckoned he must have done it accidently in his sleep, i had dreamed it, or accidently bumped into something and was trying to blame it on him.

That really scared me op. I knew what had happened, and i could see he was lying when he denied it.

Its a really weird and uncomfortable worry to have in the back of your head about someone you're supposed to trust. As i said, the first time i blanked it completely so it wasn't an underlying concern I had at all, i was only reminded of it when it happened again.

i'm with the others here, he's not a good guy for doing this, and it can't be blamed on alcohol. Have you ever been worried about him drinking or maybe bad moods since? Are you scared of him in any way?
It doesn't matter if it happened ages ago, the memories were triggered. It's entirely your call as to whether you can trust him not to do it again, but i would be very wary of this. As neyite said, you should get in touch with womens aid- i did and i can't say enough good things about them.

My two cents worth are that you probably can't 100% trust it won't happen again.

strobe · 21-07-2014 5:24pm

From what you say it was an isolated incident OP. Nothing similar happened the three years previous and nothing similar has happened the two years since?

Talk to your bf about it. Tell him something reminded you of it recently, and so it's been on your mind, and have a conversation together.

retro:electro · 21-07-2014 5:28pm

Op would you consider couples counselling? It might be worth it since this incident has recently started to effect you again and it would also be of benefit to your partner to go as it may get to the root of why he acted so out of character.
It doesn't sound like either of you have fully processed the incident, not getting to the root of just why it happened can cause feelings of anger to manifest later on. A counsellor would help you both deal with this.

tara73 · 21-07-2014 6:41pm

before you go to a counsellor on your own I would try to talk to your bf first. did you ever do this in the two years after?

maybe it was on his mind too and you don't know about it, maybe he has some other explanations (although there is no real valid explanation for such behaviour) or thoughts after this two years than immediately after the incident.

see how it goes to bring it up again, tell him it started to bother you again and see how he reacts, it could be a big relief just seeing he still regrets it and best outcome would be he's willing to talk about it, listen to your concerns and trying to give you every comfort he can.

the couples counselling could be also a very good thing in this case.

greenieted · 21-07-2014 10:40pm

strobe wrote: »

From what you say it was an isolated incident OP. Nothing similar happened the three years previous and nothing similar has happened the two years since?

Talk to your bf about it. Tell him something reminded you of it recently, and so it's been on your mind, and have a conversation together.

Does he still drink? Have you seen him that drunk since? If so how did he behave? The answers to those questions might help you decide if the incident was a one off or not.
If you choose to stay with him talk to him about it and tell him you don't want him to drink that much ever again. If it was seriously out of character any chance he had his drink spiked with drugs?

Mr. Incognito · 21-07-2014 10:56pm

Leave.

Once is too many. Once any lad crosses the line once, go. It will escalate.

Lou.m · 22-07-2014 12:53am

It does not matter if it was only once why would it?

I don't really buy his guilt story....I think if I did something like that i would do more than be guilty for a day or so. Reverse the roles OP what would you do?

I think he simply is trying to get around you.

chellyry · 22-07-2014 10:29am

Thanks for all of the replies.

He's a typical guy, always looking for it, but he would never usually force me (just be moody for a while afterwards if I say no). After confronting him and seeing that he didn't remember it and seeing how disgusted he was at what he had done I did believe that it would never happen again. He was so guilty, that I told him we'd forget about it and pretend it had never happened- so long as it never happened again. And that's why I don't know why this programme brought it all back. He's not abusive normally so it bothers me that I'm now thinking badly of him and that the horrible abusive boyfriend in this programme actually reminded me of him, because of just one incidence.

He's doesn't drink often, once every couple of months maybe, but when he does he drinks a lot. He's a happy drunk usually, not violent or angry. That's why that incident shocked me so much at the time too. It was the first and only time I was ever actually scared of him. I have seen him about that drunk since but he was just his usual happy self.

I don't think that his drink was spiked either because we were in a local pub with a lot of people we know, and he doesn't generally have a drink long enough to put it down and get spiked.

I'll look up Women's Aid and if it's still bothering me in a few days I'll get on to them. I don't really want to bring it back up with my boyfriend because I told him we'd forget about it, and he hasn't done it since so I don't want to put that guilt back on him.

SarahLK and Happenedtometoo: What happened to you two sounds horrible, your boyfriends were both physically abusive. And I can't get over that he didn't even admit or apologise to you for what he'd done Happenedtometoo! Thanks for sharing your stories!

Neyite · 22-07-2014 10:36am

chellyry wrote: »

He's a typical guy, always looking for it, but he would never usually force me (just be moody for a while afterwards if I say no).

No, typical guys are not always looking for it, and typical guys are not moody if they dont get it. Moodiness and sulking are also forms of control -designed to make you feel guilty, or back down, or make it so that the next time, you'll just give in and do what he wants to avoid the atmosphere if you turn him down.

So, if the sulks work, he doesnt need to use force because he is getting what he wants. How often do you have sex with him when you dont really want to, just to avoid the sulks?

Penny Tration · 22-07-2014 10:50am

He gets moody when you refuse sex, and although doesn't drink often, binges when he does?

If he gets moody while sober without sex, and binges every time he drinks, I would honestly think that it could easily happen again.

Getting moody because you refuse sex is a nasty control tactic.

chellyry · 22-07-2014 11:00am

Neyite wrote: »

No, typical guys are not always looking for it, and typical guys are not moody if they dont get it. Moodiness and sulking are also forms of control -designed to make you feel guilty, or back down, or make it so that the next time, you'll just give in and do what he wants to avoid the atmosphere if you turn him down.

So, if the sulks work, he doesnt need to use force because he is getting what he wants. How often do you have sex with him when you dont really want to, just to avoid the sulks?

We do it 2-3 times a week. I'm fine with that, I enjoy it too. It's just when he starts wanting it more than that, or wanting it the morning after doing it the night before I say no. Or say when I do stuff for him a lot but don't get anything in return. (Don't really want to go into too much detail

)

Penny Tration · 22-07-2014 11:05am

chellyry wrote: »

We do it 2-3 times a week. I'm fine with that, I enjoy it too. It's just when he starts wanting it more than that, or wanting it the morning after doing it the night before I say no. Or say when I do stuff for him a lot but don't get anything in return. (Don't really want to go into too much detail )

So you have pretty frequent sex, and he sulks when he wants more?

I really hope it never happens again, but if ANYONE sulked because I wouldn't sleep with them, and had sexually assaulted me in the past, I'd run as fast as my legs could carry me.

ABajaninCork · 22-07-2014 11:25am

I dunno what to say about this. It's said that the truth comes out when you're drunk...

I'm frankly horrified about what happened to you, OP. But I'm glad for you, that the incident is coming to the surface now and you can start to deal with it.

Personally, I'd look for counselling for myself first. Perhaps that will give you a coping strategy to deal with things before you approach your other half. You should also sort out in your head whether you really want to stay with him or not.

From a personal point of view, I would leave. It's happened once. It'll happen again. Could be days, weeks, months or years. But it WILL happen again. Trust me on that.

Hope you find something that works for you.

retro:electro · 22-07-2014 11:27am

Op you asked was this an isolated incident. After reading your subsequent posts I'm led to believe that your partner is very controlling in his actions, and he may very well have the capability to act in this way again. His behaviour regarding sex and intimacy is very disturbing and not the norm.

strandroad · 22-07-2014 11:40am

chellyry wrote: »

He's a typical guy, always looking for it, but he would never usually force me (just be moody for a while afterwards if I say no).

Hm this is not normal at all, OP, that's not like sex is approached in a healthy relationship. He seems to have the attitude that women "have it" and "give it", and if they "withhold it" and drink removes your inhibitions you can take it from them. Sex is his right, and not the extension/building tool of a relationship. Lots of warning signs here...

Neyite · 22-07-2014 11:53am

chellyry wrote: »

We do it 2-3 times a week. I'm fine with that, I enjoy it too. It's just when he starts wanting it more than that, or wanting it the morning after doing it the night before I say no. Or say when I do stuff for him a lot but don't get anything in return. (Don't really want to go into too much detail )

This is your thread, so only share what you feel comfortable sharing. That sounds like a lot of sulking. And even without prior sexual assault, I'd be rethinking a future with someone who sulks. It seems that he doesnt care why you dont want it, what matters to him is what he wants. You dont say it, but its very likely that this is common in other areas of your relationship in decision making, even if its small stuff like what is for dinner or what to watch on tv.

I would suggest you read a book - 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. It will give a bit of an insight into what is controlling behaviour in a relationship.

ceadaoin. · 22-07-2014 8:02pm

SarahLK wrote: »

Yeah I've been through something similar. Was with my boyfriend about a year when it happened. After a night out we were back in my house and when I went to the toilet he read my phone where he saw texts from an ex. They weren't bad or anything really to hide. Anyway he flew into a rage, slapped me across the face, threw a pint of water over me, broke my phone in to pieces and threw a cigarette at me. He is not usually a big drinker so this was totally out of character. I did not speak to him for over a week but he was so so regretful of how he reacted. Long story short we are still together a year and a half later after the incident. He has never acted like this since and to be honest I haven't seen him that drunk since. Alcohol does have a lot to answer for. It's not an excuse but it is the cause.

Wow, that was a serious assault, and there is no excuse for it. Alcohol is not to blame, plenty of people get drunk and don't attack their partners. It is very rare that these things are a once off and I would bet you have modified your behavior since to keep him happy ie: not texting your ex

chellyry wrote: »

Thanks for all of the replies.

He's a typical guy, always looking for it, but he would never usually force me (just be moody for a while afterwards if I say no). After confronting him and seeing that he didn't remember it and seeing how disgusted he was at what he had done I did believe that it would never happen again. He was so guilty, that I told him we'd forget about it and pretend it had never happened- so long as it never happened again. And that's why I don't know why this programme brought it all back. He's not abusive normally so it bothers me that I'm now thinking badly of him and that the horrible abusive boyfriend in this programme actually reminded me of him, because of just one incidence.

He's doesn't drink often, once every couple of months maybe, but when he does he drinks a lot. He's a happy drunk usually, not violent or angry. That's why that incident shocked me so much at the time too. It was the first and only time I was ever actually scared of him. I have seen him about that drunk since but he was just his usual happy self.

I don't think that his drink was spiked either because we were in a local pub with a lot of people we know, and he doesn't generally have a drink long enough to put it down and get spiked.

I'll look up Women's Aid and if it's still bothering me in a few days I'll get on to them. I don't really want to bring it back up with my boyfriend because I told him we'd forget about it, and he hasn't done it since so I don't want to put that guilt back on him.

SarahLK and Happenedtometoo: What happened to you two sounds horrible, your boyfriends were both physically abusive. And I can't get over that he didn't even admit or apologise to you for what he'd done Happenedtometoo! Thanks for sharing your stories!

IMO he is being sexually abusive and controlling by pressuring you for sex and then sulking if he doesn't get it. He has made you feel scared to even bring this up again. I wouldn't be worried about making him feel guilty, he should feel guilty, he sexually assaulted you!

Even if this isn't consciously on your mind in a few days, you should still talk to someone about it. This isn't something you can just forget and get over.

StripedBoxers · 22-07-2014 9:28pm

Wow OP, you must really really love him to have stayed with him after that behaviour, personally if my boyfriend ever behaved like that with me, I would leave him and quite possibly consider involving the guards.

Not all men are like your boyfriend and sulk and get into a mood when they are told no. Sometimes if I am not in the mood for sex and I turn my bf down, he is disappointed, of course he is, but he doesn't get moody or sulk over, just as I don't if he isn't in the mood and turns me down.

Speaking to someone, your GP, a counsellor etc is a great idea, and will help you hugely. You should also speak to your boyfriend if you feel the need too, you should absolutely not feel like you cannot speak to him about anything.

You should never, ever feel like you cannot talk to your partner about certain things, if he is drinking to the point where he's behaving as you described then he needs to look at his drinking and either cut it down or cut it out.

If he's done it once, he can, and he will do it again. It could be in a few weeks, month or even years, but it will happen.

Look after yourself OP, and don't be afraid or ashamed to talk to anyone about what happened.

As for making him feel guilty? Frankly, feeling guilty is the least of his worries given his behaviour.

LegacyUser · 23-07-2014 9:41am

Similar situ...

Was with a guy 2 years, we had our problems but aggression had never been one of them, we lived together... He wasn't a big drinker anyway but we were out one night and he had a few too many. We had seen my ex on the way home - we both knew him but I wasn't really still in touch with him. Anyway, he started saying some really crass and hurtful things to me about how my ex obvs didn't fancy me because of things I had told him in the past about our sex-life. Then, I was feeling a bit hurt and deflated, wanted to go to sleep but he decided he wanted to have sex. So he did, I said no one hundred times as I was pissed at him for the things he had said. He over powered me and like that I was crying asking him gently to stop....I'm not a very assertive person tbh. The next day he wasn't even remotely apologetic and made me feel like I was nuts to even be questioning it. I was looking at him from a completely different perspective and I packed up my belongings that day and moved out, he also engaged in some pretty scary stalker-like behaviour after I left and told me he was going to kill himself etc. Before this incident I would NEVER have thought it was possible for him to have these traits so I honestly never looked back.

I think for your own safety OP, you should think about how vulnerable you are in this situation. Like I previously said, I am not assertive, at all. But overnight I wasn't able to love someone who' done that to me

chellyry · 05-08-2014 1:38pm

Sorry to drag this thread up again, just an update for anyone that's interested. I had a conversation with my bf, didn't go into the whole incident but told him that the way he behaves with regard to sex isn't acceptable and that unless he changed his attitude I wouldn't put up with it. He agreed that it isn't fair to get moody when he doesn't get it and promised to stop. So far so good, he has stopped being so persistant, he'll ask but when I have said not now he has been ok with it. Even when he rang me from the pub in the early hours of the morning asking me to collect him for a bit of whoo-ha he was fine when I told him no. I know only time will tell whether he has changed but for now things are better.

Was it just an isolated incident?

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