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Can you think of some ways that I can assist

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  • 13-05-2015 2:27pm
    #1
    kerry4sam
    Registered Users Posts: 15,127 ✭✭✭✭


    I need to ask something Please :)
    I need to know what it is that I can do ; How I can make life somewhat easier...

    A dear elderly friend told me last week that his beloved wife was given 3 -> 6months to live. Hearing the quiver in his voice shook me; he was always so confident and sure.
    He told me last Saturday that his wifes health has taken a turn since the above time-frame and now he will be lucky to have his beloved wife in his life for even 3months; never mind the 6.

    He calls on me to assist with different things but he always remains as independent as possible. The most notable to date is just collecting his from his home to bring to the train station ; collect him from the return train and bring him home again. This ensures his car is always parked at home so anyone with notions think he is also at home with his loving wife when he would not be.

    Today I sat with him; chatted away with him; he asked me to help with posting a cheque for the balance of ; drafting a letter ; and closing the account for a clothing account of his wife as they sent him a final reminder that he didn't know how to deal with. Filled in the cheque-book; he signed it; wrote the letter; photo-copied everything and kept the registered postage for the letter.
    ^^^ Thought this was huge for me that I was trusted with this. Such a humbling experience.

    As I said, he likes to remain independent; does all the washing; ironing; gardening etc himself. Has home-help twice a day now. His daughter is visiting alot more now but he wouldn't ask her to do what I done this morning.

    Can you think of anything I can do from now for them? I brought around some flowers when I arrived and he got this glint in his eye like it perked him up. The most bright, colourful flowers I could find :)

    Many Thanks in Advance,
    There has to be something that I am not thinking of.
    kerry4sam


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    #2
    looksee
    Registered Users Posts: 28,135 ✭✭✭✭looksee


    Just keep caring. He sounds independent, so be there when he asks, but don't overwhelm him. What you are doing sounds perfect.


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    #3
    kerry4sam
    Registered Users Posts: 15,127 ✭✭✭✭kerry4sam


    looksee wrote: »
    Just keep caring. He sounds independent, so be there when he asks, but don't overwhelm him. What you are doing sounds perfect.

    Very Independent so he is.

    Thank You,


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    #4
    Layinghen
    Registered Users Posts: 1,552 ✭✭✭Layinghen


    I echo totally what Looksee is saying. Don't push "helping" him, just be there for him. He obviously trusts and holds you in very high regard, so he knows if he needs you, you will be there for him.

    Unfortunately as things get worse with his wife he may need you more with regard to transportation (maybe to and from the hospital/hospice) just let him know no matter what the time of day or night he can call you and no it doesn't put you out. Maybe tell him you want to do this turn for his wife not him so he won't feel as if he is imposing.


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    #5
    muffler
    Registered Users Posts: 45,861 ✭✭✭✭muffler


    looksee wrote: »
    Just keep caring. He sounds independent, so be there when he asks, but don't overwhelm him. What you are doing sounds perfect.
    Couldn't have put it better :)


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    #6
    the_syco
    Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    Take a pictures of him and his wife, separately, from their shoulders up, and one of them together.

    Took a photo of my grandad 3 years ago when his health had started to fade, but before he had to go into the nursing home. It was the picture on top of his coffin when he died.

    The "together photo" can be placed in a frame, and he can put it somewhere in their house, for a memory if nothing else.


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    #7
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Maybe also just keep a record of any monies he is asking you to spend. Just to help avoid any later confusion or mis-understanding from anyone else.
    I use google sheets for this - so I can access a simple excel type sheet on the go on my phone.

    Other than that it sounds like you are being a great help to him.


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    #8
    kerry4sam
    Registered Users Posts: 15,127 ✭✭✭✭kerry4sam


    ^^^ Thanks so much for you replies. Sincerely Appreciate it.

    You know it's as if he lives for his Wife ; that she gives him the strength to do all he does you know. This will hurt him hugely.

    re: the cheque today - it's all recorded and I made sure to get photocopies also for them & me, just-in-case of memory lapse etc. First time that was in the equation so just took precaution of copies.

    Wonderful Advice in Here,
    Many Thanks Again,
    kerry4sam


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    #9
    Jellybaby1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    So sad. But you are doing a great job for your friend, just by being there. Just let him know that he can rely on you. When you arrive at his home maybe bring along a few fresh scones or cake to have over a cup of tea. Little comforts can mean so much and will be remembered.


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    #10
    C.K Dexter Haven
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,711 ✭✭✭C.K Dexter Haven


    Start to become aware of his "Skill"- i.e. the ability to do V's "will" - his motivation to do. While the "skill" may remain, the "will" may diminish over time given the circumstances- just little things but they may mount up and become significant. What to do if will starts to diminish? Well, let's hope it doesn't for the time being- but it can do.

    Sounds like you're helping in the most practical of ways and also he appreciates it. :)

    Keep the communication lines open where possible- a chat, a coffee- doesn't have to be long- ask him how he's feeling- he probably/may not tell you truthfully but even knowing there's someone who cares and he can rely on for even the most practical of things like getting shopping, writing a letter, organising NCT online- that kind of thing- is just invaluable right now.

    He sounds like he wants to maintain his space between himself, his wife and the outside world- he will most likely want to care for his wife for as long as he can- and then some. So don't be surprised if he resists additional help- but the fact he has home-care in, shows he's willing to accept assistance so this should be easier in the months to come.


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    #11
    Mech1
    Registered Users Posts: 5,081 ✭✭✭Mech1


    Keep your eye on the fridge, teabags, bread etc just keep enough topped up. make sure he is medicating as required things can get put on the long finger by people trying to cope alone.


    Not worded great but you will get the drift of what i mean.


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    #12
    Atlantic Dawn
    Registered Users Posts: 81,446 ✭✭✭✭Atlantic Dawn
    M


    If you have a bit of time on your hands see if he will give you access to his photos of himself and the wife going back to their dating days and eventual wedding and then from that time to this, see if you can put the best of them in a slideshow possibly with music to show the wife and himself on a laptop/tablet, would bring much happyness to them I would think looking back over the years.


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    #13
    kerry4sam
    Registered Users Posts: 15,127 ✭✭✭✭kerry4sam


    ^^ Thanks so Much!

    Really sweet and practical advice,
    So Grateful :)


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    #14
    campingcarist
    Registered Users Posts: 337 ✭✭campingcarist


    I am sure you know his interests, apart from his wife. These should not be forgotten in a time of near crises. When eventually the inevitable does happen he will have something to help keep his mind occupied instead of his heart-felt loss.

    Now, I say this as a single person so I may be wrong.

    Last year, sister and brother-in-law were on a weekend break. He got up in the morning to go to the bathroom. My sister turned over and fell dozed off. When she woke a short time later, her husband was dead on the bathroom floor, from an aneurism. They had been married for over 40 years and did everything together. She continued in all she was interested in saying "life must go on".


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    #15
    kerry4sam
    Registered Users Posts: 15,127 ✭✭✭✭kerry4sam


    Is it possible for a mod to close this for me Please as we now have closure. Just seeing the room where she lay for the wake now ; seeing everything from the walking-aid to the commode to everything that assisted & gave her some Peace in her final days and hours was spine-tingling. It's just Wonderful what assistance is available for people when needed.

    He has a chest-infection now himself but has people calling in day & evening and his niece will be calling tomorrow for company also.

    Sincere Thank You to Everyone who assisted in this thread. Much Appreciation by me.

    I would like closure in this thread though,
    Many Thanks,
    kerry4sam


This discussion has been closed.
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