Altering my mother's attitude?

Baybay · 20-04-2015 2:32pm #1

My mother is 83, widowed for five years, has recovered well from lung cancer since an operation to remove the tumor when she was 73, hears & sees relatively poorly & in the last few weeks has become practically immobile due to tendonitus in her knees, arthritis in one ankle, varicose veins & an ulcerated shin.

Her immobility has taken all the wind out of her sails to the extent that she's almost stopped eating & tells me daily that she's ready to die.

She's under the care of the local GP, has home help a few times a week, I visit most mornings, friends visit most days, her grandchildren occasionally get to visit but phone & write regularly, she has a cat she loves & yet feels she has nothing to live for.
I have asked her to live with me, come on holiday (before this latest set back) but she won't.

I can't make her want to live or force feed her but I do bring treats, nutritional drinks etc to encourage her appetite but lifting her spirits seems beyond me, despite my efforts.

If she is at the end of her life, I don't want to bother her by trying to bring her out of herself but if she has time left, it'd be good if she could enjoy it.

I'm not expecting startling revelations from anyone & I don't even know if this is in the right forum but it's has helped to write it down.

looksee · 20-04-2015 3:43pm

Its a difficult situation Baybay; I don't know if we can help you, but you are in the right forum. Possibly the regulars here are not quite at your mother's age but we have parents in her age bracket so I suppose we are getting there!

Your mother has had a few issues creeping up on her, she has got over the cancer, but her sight and hearing are poor and now she cannot get around, it is enough to make anyone feel low. I can only suggest that you continue what you are doing, keep her company and be positive and cheerful around her without making little of her problems. You are doing your best for her, you can only continue giving her attention and love. Does she have a wheelchair? Could you take her out for a bit of a walk in a local park or to the shops?

I don't think you should worry about what you can do for the future, just take each day as it comes and continue to do your best for her. She may have decided she has had enough, my own mum did just that, but she was 92 and was really quite ill in other ways than mobility etc problems, and passed away very peacefully. I doubt your mother is quite at that stage yet, all you can do is assume she is going to be with you for a good while yet and do your best to keep her spirits up.

Worrying about it will not help though, and will just exhaust you. You are doing your best for her, keep that in mind, keep doing it, and let things progress as they will.

Jellybaby1 · 20-04-2015 3:58pm

I can't give any more advice than that already given by Looksee. My relatives in their 80's are still able to communicate and get around even though they have become more frail. Your mum's health issues are preventing her from seeing anything positive to look forward to and that's understandable. If she can communicate in any way with elderly friends or relatives near her own age who will visit and who have the same memories it might help. You are a blessing to her, just keep taking care of her as you are. Sorry I can't be of any more help.

Red Hare · 20-04-2015 7:16pm

There are particular depressions that the elderly can suffer from. Is there a chance you can talk to her GP about this and perhaps s/he would be able to help in a practical way, perhaps medication could lift this very low mood.

I wish I could be of more help

jos28 · 20-04-2015 10:54pm

I really have no expert advice for you, all I can do is tell you how I coped in a similar situation. Firstly I would talk to your Mam's GP about medication. The depression could even be a side effect of some of the meds she is already taking. A change of medication could improve her form.
My lovely Mam suffered from ill health for a long time and she coped extremely well right through her illness. She enjoyed trips out to go shopping, have lunch etc albeit in a wheelchair but became increasingly frail. As her disease progressed (Parkinsons) she became susceptible to infections. She told me that she no longer had the energy to fight and was ready to move on. At this stage we spent our time indoors. She really enjoyed looking back over old photos and listening to music. These seemed to trigger memories of happy times and she loved relating stories. She enjoyed me doing her hair or giving her a manicure. Simple little things that did not take too much effort made her comfortable. I look back on those times with great fondness and consider myself lucky to have been given the opportunity to spend that time with her. Don't expect too much from your Mam, her energy levels are probably very low. Find some little thing that might bring a smile. I wish you well, and most importantly take care of yourself.

Qualitymark · 07-05-2015 10:49pm

Have you tried dragging her into a game of poker? (With matches! Not money! Are you crazy? These aul' wans would strip you in a poker game!)
The gambling instinct is deep in our animal nature, and if you can get her involved in winning matches off you it may spark enough of the life force that you have a chance of reaching her.
She's obviously in shock, poor girl, first from widowhood (don't imagine the shock stops after a year - it can hit again, given a new trauma), and then from the horror of cancer. And tendonitis and arthritis mean that she's tensed against pain all the time. Is she getting decent pain relief?
An ulcerated shin sounds really bad. My father had that, and it was solved by an operation that moved veins around to increase the blood supply to his leg.
+1 on the music, also movies - can you set up a 'film showing' time, say once a week, and show films from the 1940s and 1950s? Doris Day, Marilyn Monroe - try Some Like it Hot and Please Don't Eat the Daisies. What kind of comedy has she talked about over the years? It might be possible to get hold of some Maureen Potter and Jimmy O'Dea recordings from somewhere like the Irish Folklore Commission, for instance (or if anyone here has them?)
I hope this goes well for you, Baybay - I feel for her, and for you.

Samaris · 08-06-2015 2:14am

The advice already given is probably the best, but just a couple of things to add:

It may be worth having a quick look at the medications she's on and seeing if any of them give indications of causing depression; and perhaps having a talk with her GP about it. It sounds like she may well be on quite a number of things, and they can interact in strange and bewildering ways. It's certainly most likely that it is the mobility issues, but just in case there's an actual chemical issue compounding things.

Does she like reading? With poor sight, books may just no longer be legible to her, and perhaps something like a Kindle may help - they can read aloud, and also you can adjust the print size to be larger. Depending on how bad her hearing is, books on tape, or music..? (Similar to what Qualitymark said there really!)

I acted as a carer for an elderly lady with severe mobility issues, and one thing she enjoyed was art; in her case mostly colouring in adult colouring books (Waterstones have some particularly nice ones, in Cork at least. Which reminds me, I meant to pick one up to send her!) The eyesight may well be an issue there, of course.

It's a tough situation for you both, so best wishes to you.

Edit: Ah! I see I rather repeated jos28 there

wat24 · 08-06-2015 2:28am

Hi OP sorry to hear about your situation it can't be easy. I'm a nurse and iv worked in cancer services for several years and in a nursing home so iv met with people in your situation before. As people have said let your GP know what's going on and they will be able to help you in terms of assessing your mothers medication and things like that. I know it's been a few years since her cancer treatment but she may have met a psych oncology nurse at the time who helps people through treatment and afterward would be no harm mentioning it to your GP see if they can arrange them to assist you as well. On a day to day basic level try and assist your mother as best you can with maintaining as much independence as possible don't worry if one day she might not want to have a wash for example tell her it's her choice and up to her she'll appreciate small things like that when she has so little control over other things such as her mobility

wat24 · 08-06-2015 2:33am

And remember to look after yourself too you've been through the loss of your father and with your mother's cancer and current situation so try share the load with other family members if you can. What your doing for your mother is brilliant so don't take it personally if she isn't always receptive to your help. Best wishes to you and your mother and don't worry things will get better Ã°ÂŸÂ˜ÂŠ

Altering my mother's attitude?

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