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LegacyUser · 21-11-2007 9:38pm #1

I am having some troubles at home. I am nearly 18 years of age and am in 6th year. I'm having trouble with my mother. She suffers from depression badly and I seem to get the wrath of it. My younger siblings seem to avoid getting it took out on them for some reason. She calls me names, shouts abuse at me, insults my girlfriend and her family and loads more. She has been treating me like this since I was a child. She has never been bad to my two siblings. I went through a stage of being depressed about a year ago and was seeing a counselor and he said it was down to my mother.
My father works a lot so he's never home. If I ring him for support he always takes my mother's side and makes it out if I've done something wrong. This constant abuse and fighting is affecting my Leaving Cert. study I feel as I cannot concentrate and it is also causing problems in my long-term relationship.
I was wondering is there anything I can do? Any advice? Should I get up and leave? Find a place to stay? (girlfriend/relative?) If I do decide to leave is there anything she can do?
She also treats my like a child. She has grounded me for tomorrow because I took a walk after studying to clear my head before I started loads of choirs for her.
I hope this doesn't sound like a moany teenager just giving out about like. I feel this is a serious problem that I need to sort out for my social life, studying and mental wellbeing.

Any advice greatfully appreciated

Fed_Up

JuliusCaesar · 21-11-2007 10:27pm

Sounds as if our mother is under a lot f pressure with your father away, being depressed and 3 kids (sorry but am inclding you!). Is she relying on you a lot to help out? Is she sseeing anyone for the depression? Are you losing your temper a lot? Maybe you could talk to your GP who'll know the story with your mother and point you all in the right direction. In the meantime, keep your cool, it's your LC. Others here will have advice too.........it's not unusual.

milkerman · 21-11-2007 11:20pm

I dont know either of you so am not able to comment on who is right or wrong.
However, I do know that leaving home at 17 while still in school with no marketable skills or qualifications will result in your sleeping under a railway bridge homeless & cold.
Just try to chill and concentrate on the task before you. In a few very short years you will be able to break out on your own. In the interim you will just have to live by your parents rules. It is their home afterall.

Schlemm · 21-11-2007 11:54pm

Is there anyone at your school that you could talk to?

cson · 22-11-2007 3:39am

I sympathise, I really do. It sounds like your mother is under some pressure. Sit down and have a chat, tell her how you feel and try and work things out is the best advice I can give you.

Gibbins123 · 22-11-2007 3:31pm

If there is a relative nearby that is willing to take you in then i say go for it. As for finding your own place, well i doubt you can afford it, and unless your sure you can, don't do it.

Is your mother getting help in any way?

Childline may have some ideas for you, they could probably give you good advice.

Is there after school study in your school? If not, it may start in Jan or Feb. That might give you a quiet atmosphere to study in.

And that your almost 18..well if you can bare with it for a few months longer, you could always move away to college. Many students seem to manage well with full time college and weekend jobs, or theres always part time college.

After the leaving, the world is opened up to you. you can literally do anything.

feel free to PM me if you need to

LegacyUser · 04-12-2007 1:56am

Thanks for all the replies so far. I cannot sit down and talk to this woman. She is on anti-depressants for her depression. I do not think it is at all fair that I get the shít for how she feels.

I have been looking forward to my 18th birthday for ages now because I thought I could have some freedom but by the sounds of it she is expecting to still treat me like a child. Does/did anyone else's mother tell them when to be in, what to do, when they can go out, etc. when they where 18?

craichoe · 04-12-2007 11:51am

Fed_up wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies so far. I cannot sit down and talk to this woman. She is on anti-depressants for her depression. I do not think it is at all fair that I get the shít for how she feels.

I have been looking forward to my 18th birthday for ages now because I thought I could have some freedom but by the sounds of it she is expecting to still treat me like a child. Does/did anyone else's mother tell them when to be in, what to do, when they can go out, etc. when they where 18?

I get this strange feeling were only getting one side of the story. It sounds alot like me when i was 17/18.

I'd say put up with it, others are able to. Your going to meet alot of wa*kers in life and if anything it'll be a bit of training for you.

moco · 04-12-2007 12:32pm

Fed_up wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies so far. I cannot sit down and talk to this woman. She is on anti-depressants for her depression. I do not think it is at all fair that I get the shít for how she feels.

I have been looking forward to my 18th birthday for ages now because I thought I could have some freedom but by the sounds of it she is expecting to still treat me like a child. Does/did anyone else's mother tell them when to be in, what to do, when they can go out, etc. when they where 18?

Yea, mine did.

Try and look at it from your mother's point of view though, you're her eldest (I think) so she's experiencing this stage of motherhood for the first time and probably isn't sure of what boundaries she should be setting at your age.

I ended up moving out of home at 17 because I wasn't happy being told what to do and what time to be home at etc. because as far as I was concerned I was old enough to be responsible for myself. I don't regret it but it did lead to me dropping out of school.

Sleepy · 04-12-2007 12:44pm

Gibbins123 wrote: »

Childline may have some ideas for you, they could probably give you good advice.

As a Childline volunteer I feel I should point out that we're a non-directive, listening service. We can't give advice but we're always here to listen and can be quite good at helping you find your own answers to your problems.

Sleepy · 04-12-2007 12:54pm

*takes off Childline hat*

OP, I think this is something you're just going to have to tough out to be honest. You're almost 18 and will be finished your secondary education in just another months. Have you filled out your CAO/CAS forms yet? I'd advise applying for places in universities outside your home town.

Gibbins123's suggestion of after-school study in school is a very good one if something like this is available in your school. If not, how would you feel about approaching a teacher/principal about starting an after-school study program up?

LegacyUser · 04-12-2007 1:00pm

What strikes me about this post is that you dont seem to care about the welfare of your mother. You say shes on anti-depressants and that youre father is away alot. Obvioulsy shes finding it very hard to cope! It doesnt seem like youre making any effort either. saying things like i cant sit down and talk to her is very childish in my opinion.

keen · 04-12-2007 2:52pm

Fed_up wrote: »

I She calls me names, shouts abuse at me, insults my girlfriend and her family and loads more. She has been treating me like this since I was a child. She has never been bad to my two siblings. I went through a stage of being depressed about a year ago and was seeing a counselor and he said it was down to my mother.
My father works a lot so he's never home. Any advice greatfully appreciated

Fed_Up

testing123456 wrote: »

What strikes me about this post is that you dont seem to care about the welfare of your mother. You say shes on anti-depressants and that youre father is away alot. Obvioulsy shes finding it very hard to cope! It doesnt seem like youre making any effort either. saying things like i cant sit down and talk to her is very childish in my opinion.

A 17 year sitting his leaving cert shouldn't have to have the burden of looking after a parent suffering from depression, considering there is a father at home too albeit he's away a lot.

There is no excuse for the abuse his mother is giving him, shouting abuse at his girlfriend etc.

Can't believe people are suggesting the OP is at fault here, he comes across as a smart chap who wants to do well in life and expect he isn't out to all hours causing havoc.

OP stick it out till you finish you LC, you have this fair don't **** it up now.

If things don't improve after your LC then leave don't feel bad about it either there's no point leaving in misery for no reason, at the moment you do have a reason your leaving cert which once attained will/should improve your job chances.

Beruthiel · 04-12-2007 3:06pm

Fed_up wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies so far. I cannot sit down and talk to this woman.

'This' woman?!
This woman, is your mother. From what you said, she is suffering from depression while trying to keep 3 children alive practically on her own as your Da is working so much.
The strain on her must be enormous.

Now I appreciate that she may take some of that out more so on you as you're older.

She is on anti-depressants for her depression. I do not think it is at all fair that I get the shít for how she feels.

Have you actually sat down with her and calmly discussed this?
Have you offered in any way to help her out so that she can cope and things could be better between you?
Have you told her how much she is hurting you?
If you have done none of the above then she must feel totally alone on top of everything else.

Does/did anyone else's mother tell them when to be in, what to do, when they can go out, etc. when they where 18?

Consider yourself lucky that she actually loves and cares about you enough to worry about where you are and what you get up to.
There are many kids out there who have parents that don't give a toss about them let alone care where they are and what they are doing.

I have a daughter a couple of years older than you and it worked like this - she got to go out when I could trust her.
She was given a time to be back by and if anything changed during the night, she was to ring me.
I did not do that to be a pain in the ass, I did it because I worried for her and needed to know if she was ok. She knew this and so stuck to the rules.
As she behaved responsibly she got more freedom.
That's the way it works with a parent who cares, you show respect and responsibility, you get it back.

My advice to you would be to show your mother that you matured enough to discuss the above calmly. Before doing anything drastic I think you should go down that route.
I would really be interested to know how that turns out?

It maybe difficult for you at home right now, but leaving with nothing in the hopes that life will be better is a pipe dream. Get your education under your belt first.

btw
My Ma was a crazy woman and I couldn't wait to leave either. But I hung in there long enough to finish my education. Think long term on this.

JuliusCaesar · 04-12-2007 6:04pm

Fed_up wrote: »

I have been looking forward to my 18th birthday for ages now because I thought I could have some freedom but by the sounds of it she is expecting to still treat me like a child. Does/did anyone else's mother tell them when to be in, what to do, when they can go out, etc. when they where 18?

I know an 81 yr old, who is treated like an eejit by her older sibs! They got locked into the 'she's the youngest' pattern a long time ago.........

Plus, in any relationship where you live with the other person, it's only considerate to tell them where you're going and what you're doing and what time you expect to be back at - AND to phone if things change. This goes for 25yr old couples and 50 yr old couples. It's a matter of respecting the other person. (and it's one of the things that you don't do when you're single and living alone! But then nobody cares about you either...:( )

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

Overheal · 04-12-2007 6:28pm

Oh beleive me OP i know how you feel.

I moved out of my Mom's and left my sibs to live with my Dad when I was going on 11, and we moved out of the USA when I was 13.
My Dad was the same way for a couple years - and for many years I got the abuse and the criticism: Cracks at my attitude, my health, my intelligence, etc. etc.

Anyway I was always under pressure to do my bit around the house - for the most part this was light enough (keep the place clean, light the fire when I got home) and I'd be expected to perform lawnwork and do DIY with him when he needed it.

I've always been a recluse guy but when I got a job when I was 16 I started going to the village pub

so you can imagine how this sits with your father!

The point being he would always demand to know where I was and what I was doing and for the most part discouraged me from going there because it represented untold culchie dangers! It was a bit of a - we'll call it a watering hole - but I liked it.

But we finally came to the medium that I would drop a txt to say I was going after work (which was at a takeout and I finished at 12:30am) and drop a txt when I got in the door afterward.

He was never good at expressing it but he was just worried about me. it took me a while to come to that conclusion obviously but thats what it was - not just him trying to be a prick. He was a Red Foreman kinda dad (assuming you know 70's show) and rather than tell you he wanted you to do well in school would come out as 'quit being a stupid dumbass'.

I'm guessing thats the case with your mom. Shes depressed - it can be hard to express herself I think. But I dont think thats for you to solve - I wouldn't try and talk to her about it personally: its too awkward to visit your really personal issues on your kids. I've stumbled across such things on occassion and its never, ever a good idea to involve yourself - you just end up drawing more flak and abuse. Can you imagine relying on your child for emotional support? Yeah.

I hope this helps.

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