Mixed emotions.

LegacyUser · 03-12-2007 2:04am #1

Hey, I'm a regular reader of boards but rarely post..I'm not sure where to start..

I've been going out with my boyfriend for 18 months, I'm 20 and he's 22 this week. Recently we've been fighting alot, with the blame always being put on me.. and I allow it. I'm the kind of person who uses the word sorry way too much. Last night we had an argument, over something so stupid I don't even remember how it started. We were in town at the time, so I went back to his to collect a bag I had left there from the night before. I was waiting on my dad to collect me and was quite upset, my boyfriend just stood there messing with a yoyo while I cried. I rang him when I got home to talk and he said 'trying to get you to stop those irratating things you do is like trying to train a dog'. he also called me a 'psycho'. These 'irratating' things involve me using an umbrella(because I accidently poke him with it the odd time, walking infront of him while crossing the road etc. Nothing major in my opinion. I've also recently tried giving up smoking for him.. I used to smoke up to 20 a day, now I'm down to zilch during the working week and a few on a night out.. he tells me I should cringe for being a social smoker now. Which just makes me want to smoke more instead of giving them up all together.

On the other side, when I'm with him and everything is ok its amazing. I love him to bits, and up until yesterday I thought he felt the same. We're meant to be going to Barcelona on Wednesday for his birthday(my present to him), but now I don't know whats happening there. I'm so sick of feeling guilty about annoying him when I did nothing majorly wrong, if anything at all. I'm starting to think if he's like this now, what happens down the line. Even writing this I feel guilty because I know if he read it he'd probably say everything is still my fault.

By the way, I haven't contacted him in over 24 hours as I think he owes me an apology for once. I'm usually the one who calls to make up or goes down to his house to surprise him after a fight. I keep hoping he'll call with flowers to say sorry but I know it won't happen.

The main reason I'm posting this is to get things off my chest. I know alot of people will probably say I'm so young to be in a long term relationship and should move on... and if it come to that I will. I just think I'd like to give it one more shot, but its up to him to come back to me. I'm just lucky that whatever way it goes I have a great group of friends I can always rely on.

Sorry about the length of this message, probably alot of stuff that could have been left out. I'd be happy to hear any advice on what to do next.

IRISH RAIL · 03-12-2007 2:42am

hI there first of all wow what a situation.
my advice to you is get rid of this guy hes way too controlling
he is able to twist an argument to blame you and all that will happen is he will break your confidence and then your heart.
go to barcelona on your own or with a friend if you can get one on short notice
this guy doesnt deserve you you have put up with his s**t for long enough
it will stay the same for ever and he wont change get out while you can and get yourself a life and someone who has respect and cares for you

LegacyUser · 03-12-2007 2:58am

Hey there,

I agree with the above....

Find someone else to go to Barcelona with. You need to show him that you are your own person and have self respect. As the above stated...he is a control freak and you need to nip it in the bud.....now

If you really want to salvage the relationship, let him do the running. No contact is very difficult initially, but for your own future well-being, you have to make a stand. There are a lot of people out there today who are like this and I have also been on the receiving end of this treatment - I am 30, there is no age limit. Like you, I would do anything to avoid an argument but his treatment of you is unacceptable. The only way this can work out, is to make him respect you. If he doesn't, just let him go - he isn’t worth the hassle .

Good luck

Chinafoot · 03-12-2007 2:59am

Yep he sounds like a definite control freak and if I were you I'd be walking away very, very quickly. He's effectively told you that he's trying to change you and thats not a good thing. People will treat you the way you allow them to and right now it sounds like you're being a doormat.

You should change the holiday details and bring one of your good friends so you can sort your head out and hopefully see things a bit clearer.

gcgirl · 03-12-2007 8:46am

you deserve better than him ! i was with someone similer and i am far better without him ! there is plenty more fish in the sea and your only 20! go out and enjoy yourself

Wibbs · 03-12-2007 10:50am

OK now we're only getting your side in this, but still, this guy sounds like bad news. Control is often a very easy thing to slip into on both sides. While it can be difficult to deal with there is also the comfort factor as you're getting used to it now. At the start it can even feel like he "loves you" more as he's trying to "help" you by changing you. This will only get worse. Stand up for yourself and be your own person. If he doesn't like that well then you have your answer.

K_P · 03-12-2007 10:59am

I say leave. Not because you're too young, but because he's controlling and telling you that you have to be trained like a dog or how you should be ashamed that you're a social smoker is psychologically abusive.

He's not going to change this pattern of behaviour any time soon, so leave now while you still can.

LegacyUser · 03-12-2007 11:33am

Hey thanks for replies

I'm feeling alot better today, alot more confident about the situation. He text me this morning to just say good morning, then I checked my bebo and he left me a comment as if nothing had happened. This is the first time he's made contact after a fight before me. I have replied to neither and don't plan to reply to anything until I get an apology.

I know he's being controlling, but it definitely wasn't always this way. Its a recent thing, mainly since he got a new job and moved to Dublin. We see alot more of each other now. I am willing to give him a another chance because he's not acting like the guy I knew 6 months ago. Most importantly though, I know I'm strong enough to walk away if this continues.

As for Barcelona, as someone suggested a friend of mine has already said he'll come along if things don't work out. Although i dont know how easy changing someones name on a flight is.

laney82 · 03-12-2007 12:20pm

OP - Firstly there's nothing wrong with being in a long term relationship at 20, if you're with the right person. From what you've posted I think you need to step back and objectively evaluate your relationship - I'm guessing you won't like what you see.

I went out with a guy like your boyfriend (maybe even worse than him) for 5 years and I regret that it took me so long to stand up for myself and leave. It was obvious to everyone but me that he didn't respect me and it sounds like your bf is the same. I constantly apologised for every little thing whereas any time he apologised came with an "I only did it because you..." attached to it. If he respected you and loved you properly he wouldn't speak to you like that or make you feel ashamed. (With me it wasn't smoking, it was weight related)

Take this time to have a proper think about what you want from life, how you see yourself and be honest with yourself. A good question to ask yourself is "what would I advise someone else to do if they were in this situation". You're only 20. There is nothing more empowering than stepping away from a guy who doesn't deserve you.

aye · 03-12-2007 12:44pm

Messedup22 wrote: »

I was waiting on my dad to collect me and was quite upset, my boyfriend just stood there messing with a yoyo while I cried. I rang him when I got home to talk and he said 'trying to get you to stop those irratating things you do is like trying to train a dog'. he also called me a 'psycho'. These 'irratating' things involve me using an umbrella(because I accidently poke him with it the odd time, walking infront of him while crossing the road etc. Nothing major in my opinion. I've also recently tried giving up smoking for him.. I used to smoke up to 20 a day, now I'm down to zilch during the working week and a few on a night out.. he tells me I should cringe for being a social smoker now. Which just makes me want to smoke more instead of giving them up all together.

Sounds to me like he just likes to argue. he wants to put you doan and make sure you do what he wants.
if the umbrella annoys him, could he not have some manners and hold it for you?
where did you meet this guy? he sounds like a dope.

and no your not too young to be in a relationship.

LegacyUser · 03-12-2007 1:31pm

aye - About the umbrella, he does try to hold it but I just end up getting soaked anyways then. Its not like I ever use it for more then 5-10mins anways and he makes it into a big deal. We met in bruxelles.

Laney82 - thanks for the advice and I will take it on board. Sorry to hear you went through a worse situation for 5 years, but its good to see people come out the other side of it

pookie82 · 03-12-2007 1:38pm

Does your boyfriend suffer from OCD?? The "problems" he has, like you walking ahead of him crossing the road and the umbrella thing, they're a bit too fussy to be normal pet hates. If he's recently moved to a stressful job that could have brought it on. No excuse, obviously, just wondering if he has any other weird habits or demands?? And "trying to train a dog"??? Does that not say it all?

LegacyUser · 03-12-2007 11:59pm

If you think about it there is no reason for such irrational behavior on the part of the "BF", I believe you should disregard any advise you may come to rely upon from these users. Their closed minded opinions could lead you to lose what seems precious to you. If you truly still want to be with this guy, given what seems to be a situation straight from a gossip rag, there must be something strong there. Jumping to quick conclusions (especially as severe as OCD and emotional dictatorship) is dangerous; such tardiness will not resolve any situation and will lead to you both losing what you needed most. (I hope I'm not too late!)

The first thing I noticed (and what others have overlooked) is that there is no background to either of you, or your relationship. If your objective is to achieve sustenance for the relationship you need to explorer it further. This is, of course, deeply personal and I believe not for you alone to post publicly. From what I can see here you are looking for the support to make a quick get-away. In the hope that I am wrong I shall continue.

You need to dig deeper, Chances are such minute outbursts are only the surface of a deep seeded issue. Shrugging it off so lightly is irresponsible. Don't let the digging fool you though. The underlying issue may be as simple or closely related to what you thought, the difference being: once you find its root - It will not seem so irrational.
Your excavations should include your quotes. Try not to take it literally, read between the lines and if you find nothing consider the fact that he may not be in his most articulate state.

Perhaps it is he who is the victim in all of this. As he played with his yoyo you weren't concerned with his plight, only your own. From this potential ignorance; perhaps he also feels mistreated, Simple compromises can work miracles and the only way for you both to get straight is to do so.

Alas, you cannot allow this to continue for much longer. By this I do not mean taking such drastic measures as “getting out of there”. You need to discuss/dissect your relationship with the only person who can set things straight. The BF. Without peeling back the month of debris you will only serve to bury it further eventually beneath the rubble of your relationship.

The fact that he had made contact with you shows, quite obviously, that he is not ready to lose you. The fact that he acts as though nothing had happened shows, quite obviously, the he needs or relies on you. Be it for shame, regret or longing that he contacted you ignoring him was quite literally – cold hearted.

I do sympathise with the BF as previous posting has proved, no-one seems to have taken the time to consider –him-, to determine why one would as this way. People applying such infantile psychology to such imperative issues is disheartening to say the least.

Some points from before, I do agree on. You are not too young for a long-term relationship. A mentality to the contrary is attributable to the personality other posters have created for the perceptible BF from hell.
Please consider my opinion before making a rash decision.

Mixed emotions.

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