How can we save our relationship.

LegacyUser · 19-11-2014 10:28am #1

Hi all,

Bit of back story:
I'm with my girlfriend almost 3 years. We are both 25 and have been living together for about a year in total. We have had a few highs and a few lows over the first couple of years but never anything serious, just an amalgamation of different pressures in life (jobs, money, long distance fro 6 months at one point). This led to mild bouts of depression on my part at various points but we pushed on through.

2014 dawned and things started to look up. We decided that we were finally in a position to move in together. I am from Dublin and she is from the midlands, however we both work in Dublin. I work full time, she works part time.

We don't have loads of money and to keep rent costs down we are living about an hour and a half outside of Dublin. I drive us both in every morning and then drive us both home every evening. Because she works part time, she spends some of her day waiting in the city centre for me to finish up work to travel home. This is how it has been for the last year.

Lately I've been finding myself fairly bored and apathetic towards my relationship and just life in general. Every day is the same and because I drive so much I do feel a little exhausted at times. We leave the house when it's dark out and arrive home when it's dark and it's just a case of making the dinner, sitting for a little while, shower, then bed. Thats 90% of the time.

I feel guilty when I'm apathetic towards my girlfriend. I don't be in the humour in the evenings to hug her or kiss her as I'm just so wrecked and usually in a bad mood. This hurts her and I hate not being able to WANT to give her attention. These days I just like to be left alone.

Our relationship, when it's good and we're both happy, is fantastic. She is such a good, considerate person to everyone, to the point that she doesn't look after her own needs. This is something that we're working on.

We don't have tonnes of spare cash but when we can we go to the cinema, or go out for lunch/dinner etc. This isn't too often however.

Lately we've both being making efforts with our own friends and spending more time doing our own thing. This is something I thought we needed to do more as I felt we were spending all our time together, creating boredom and tension.

As great and all as she is, I do sometimes feel like I'm the only one who is constantly trying to better our relationship. When we have a talk about "us", it's usually always promted by me to initiate. She seems to be quite happy to just dwindle along whereas it does get me down and I need to do something about it. When we do start talking though it eventually comes through that she is usually feeling the same.

I know this message is all over the place but the basic drive behind it is that I feel bored in our relationship. I feel drained. Between the commuting and the lack of excitement and the mundane days. I doubt and question us a lot. It makes me sad to think that possibly someday I'll just crack and will call a halt. Our lives are entwined a lot and in ways she's dependant on me (commute to work, her best friend).

Just not feeling the love, or much of anything....again with the apathy.

I blame myself sometimes as I can become introverted, especially at this time of year. I do feel like my own potential is being held back and not very good about myself to be honest.

This may well be my own issues manifesting into my relationship. I don't know.

Any advice?

Gongoozler · 19-11-2014 10:44am

My suggestion would be either
Move out and get house shares instead
Move closer to work /town

It sounds like apathy, caused by familiarity. Either that or you're not really that into each other.

If you want to continue living together then you should at least find a place closer to work, giving you more time, more independence.

power101 · 19-11-2014 1:33pm

An hour and a half commute each morning and evening? That's 3 hours wasted each day... Cost of driving for that 3 hours is around €30 per day, €150 per week or 600 per month. Surely you could afford to move up to Dublin when you're already renting and spending 600 on fuel a month?

LegacyUser · 19-11-2014 2:03pm

OP here:

My car is old but doesn't use much diesel. Only €60 a week for my ~600 miles.

Ultimately I do want to move back to Dublin and we may be in the position to next summer as herself will possibly get a full time position in her job which she has been more or less promised.

I guess it's just at the moment I/we are in a bit of a rut and find ourselves paying little attention to one another.

My mind is a crazy one as one minute i can feel so down in the dumps and the only way out is to just finish up. Bu then an hour later I'll see some clarity and realise that it's not quite that bad and can be worked on.

Typing all this has helped to be honest even.

Maybe we should talk it all out again and reaffirm that we're going to make better efforts for eachother but also for ourselves, which in turn may improve morale and restore some feeling.

I know that there definitely are changes and improvements we can make. I need to write more.

borrch · 19-11-2014 2:23pm

It sounds to me like the problem isn't your relationship but your lifestyle. I'm in a happy relationship but if I had to travel 3hrs per day and have limited time, energy, money etc I'd go crazy. Of course there's no energy left for your relationship.

My advice is to move back into Dublin if it's in anyway possible, or get jobs closer to where you live. I think everything will become clearer then.

LegacyUser · 19-11-2014 8:23pm

3hrs driving each day would put a dampner on any relationship, you are basically living to work. Could you not move closer to Dublin where you can access the public transport? I won't move beyond the m50 never mind outside Dublin as it would mean a longer commute and I cycle to work everyday!

renofan · 20-11-2014 4:44pm

borrch wrote: »

It sounds to me like the problem isn't your relationship but your lifestyle. I'm in a happy relationship but if I had to travel 3hrs per day and have limited time, energy, money etc I'd go crazy. Of course there's no energy left for your relationship.

My advice is to move back into Dublin if it's in anyway possible, or get jobs closer to where you live. I think everything will become clearer then.

I couldn't agree more with this. I drove 53 miles to work and 53 miles home 5 days a week for 13 years. My wife used to work in the town we lived in but was made redundant as a result of the recession. After sending out over 100 cvs to the county we lived in and surrounding ones we realised Dublin was the only place she'd get work. So every second day, (she'd to do shift work and some Saturday's), she would drive 78 miles to work, stay with a friend in Dublin, go to work the next day then drive home to me. She stuck this out for two years but like you was exhausted all the time.

I was so used to my commute I didn't realise it at the time but I too was drained from all the driving. In summer 2011 we came to the decision to move 64 miles so we both now only have 20 - 30 mins drive to work.

To say cutting out the driving made life better is an understatement. It was a massive eye opener to me how much time I had wasted over the 13 years, neither of us was as tired, were in better form so as a result our relationship improved.

Like borrch said you need to make a decision, move nearer the job or get jobs nearer to where you live. Also I think being with your partner all the time (evenings and the long drives to work) isn't the healthiest for a relationship.

Shrap · 20-11-2014 11:29pm

renofan wrote: »

Also I think being with your partner all the time (evenings and the long drives to work) isn't the healthiest for a relationship.

That's all good advice from others, but this here is exactly what I thought when I read your OP. You have nothing to tell each other when you get home! If it was a 20/30 min journey, or both of you going different routes then at least you'd have some news for each other later.

shuffles88 · 21-11-2014 5:10pm

needasafetyrope wrote: »

We leave the house when it's dark out and arrive home when it's dark and it's just a case of making the dinner, sitting for a little while, shower, then bed. Thats 90% of the time.

Hi OP, I was wondering had you heard of seasonal affective disorder? Just reading the above quote made me think of it. If you were to look at the symptoms you might see a lot of what you've described in your post.

It also seems like a lot of responsibility is on you, I find driving absolutely draining and stressful and I know that I often resent my bf for not learning to drive yet. Is there an opportunity for her to take over the driving (if she can) a few days a week?

keane2097 · 21-11-2014 5:14pm

Just move house.

ThatFatGal · 21-11-2014 6:16pm

Are you actually in love with her? Or are you just staying in the relationship because you feel like you have to look after her and it has just become a habit?

It sounds rather unhealthy that she depends so much on you and you are feeling bored and trapped.

I agree with other posters' suggesting moving houses but before you do, think about whether you actually want to stay in this relationship.

What are you actually going to be doing that's different when you have more time in the evening by living closer to town? You said you have been spending a lot of time doing your own things.

I think it's not a bad idea to live separately for a while (maybe until she gets that full time job) - you might actually want to spend more time together DOING STUFF and appreciate each other more.

How can we save our relationship.

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