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Desperate for advice

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  • 23-11-2014 1:15pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hello
    Going unreg for this one

    I am with my boyfriend for almost ten years. I am going to be honest we have had a sexless relationship for almost six of those. Maybe once a month at a max. This is all my fault I have put on almost five stone over the years and feel horrible and cannot have sex with him.
    He has been always at me to loose weight and get our relationship back on track but I just cannot do it and here's the thing part of me thinks I am unconsciously not doing anything as I do not want to be with him at all.
    Please don't judge me but I feel like it's my brain telling me I do not love him
    I work fully time and he does not work he cleans the home ect. but has been unemployed for years and never looks for a job
    He has no goals or aims and we have nothing to talk about.
    I am starting to resent him for not getting a job it is something I cannot get over.
    Even if he was actively trying to get work I would be proud of him but he does not even try.
    I work nine to five I come home tired and he is on to me about my weight and how he has been for a walk bla bla.
    I feel like saying to him it's easy for you when you sit around all day not working.

    I have told him on many occasions that I don't think I love him and the not working or looking for work is a huge issue for me but still he shrugs it off saying there is no work there and we carry on.
    But the thing is we carry on doing nothing no intamcy no dates, no conversations nothing
    Just convenience for both of us it seems
    Sometimes I think that after ten years maybe this is normal but I know it isn't
    I've come to rely on him as he is my routine that's all
    How do I get the strength to end this madness??
    I've asked him before to move out and he just says find me a place and I'll go?
    I mean how do you deal with that from a grown man
    Thanks for taking the time to read this


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    #2
    marizpan
    Registered Users Posts: 443 ✭✭marizpan


    Why can't you move out?

    Sounds like a doomed relationship to be honest. Maybe it is best to move out and on with life.
    Best of luck


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    marizpan wrote: »
    Why can't you move out?

    Sounds like a doomed relationship to be honest. Maybe it is best to move out and on with life.
    Best of luck

    It's my house you see


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    #4
    Carriexx
    Registered Users Posts: 145 ✭✭Carriexx


    Is he getting the dole or are you financing him? Its time to be strong for yourself, end the relationship and start to love yourself again. Why would you put up with someone not even wanting to work - there is no future there for you.


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    #5
    missjm
    Registered Users Posts: 268 ✭✭missjm


    Lost woman wrote: »
    It's my house you see

    End the relationship, ask him to move out. Give him sufficient time and a firm deadline of when to be moved out. I take it he's living there rent free? It sounds like a pretty toxic relationship to be honest. And as long as you're feeling trapped and unhappy other things will not improve (including your weight). Why stay with somebody if they are doing absolutely nothing for you mentally or physically? Do something about it asap so you can get on with a happier life.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    missjm wrote: »
    End the relationship, ask him to move out. Give him sufficient time and a firm deadline of when to be moved out. I take it he's living there rent free? It sounds like a pretty toxic relationship to be honest. And as long as you're feeling trapped and unhappy other things will not improve (including your weight). Why stay with somebody if they are doing absolutely nothing for you mentally or physically? Do something about it asap so you can get on with a happier life.

    He he is getting the dole that's all he contributes as far as money goes and that doesn't go far
    I make up the rest
    Thanks for confirming I just have to be strong and end it I know


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    #7
    tinz18
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭tinz18


    Hi OP,
    Your relationship doesn't sound ideal at all. I find it ridiculous that he's at you to change when he's refusing to find a job. It doesn't sound like ye have anything in common anymore so for your own sanity get him to move out and allow yourself to find someone that you're happier with. Its not up to you to find him a place to live, he's an adult he can find a place- tbh it sounds like bullying behaviour. Give him a deadline to find alternative accommodation, if he's arsey about it is there someone you know that could be there as backup? i.e. a friend or family member


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    #8
    IlmoNT4
    Registered Users Posts: 332 ✭✭IlmoNT4


    It sounds like he has a pretty good number with you...

    If you want him out, you need to sit him down, be very clear and direct. Tell him, the relationship is over, give him a date that he should be gone by. You could even give it to him in writing if you want. If he's still there after that date, change the locks and call the cops and have him removed.

    I'd give him a month to find a new place to live. Finding a place to live isnt your problem, its his.


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    #9
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    Lost woman wrote: »
    I am going to be honest we have had a sexless relationship for almost six of those. Maybe once a month at a max. This is all my fault I have put on almost five stone over the years and feel horrible and cannot have sex with him.

    OP, this is bull, to be honest. Honestly, don't you think that if he was a decent and loving partner to you, you'd still be made to feel sexy and you wouldn't feel bad about yourself? Don't you think that if he wasn't such a drain on you, you'd still feel he was sexy? It works both ways hon. Your weight has sweet FA to do with it - it's just what you're pinning the lack of sex on.
    He has no goals or aims and we have nothing to talk about.
    I am starting to resent him for not getting a job it is something I cannot get over.
    Even if he was actively trying to get work I would be proud of him but he does not even try.
    I work nine to five I come home tired and he is on to me about my weight and how he has been for a walk bla bla.

    Drain, drain, drain, blah de blah blabla blaaaah. Next time he tells you how he's been for a walk and how you should lose some weight, tell him "Sorry now, but I'm only finding employed people sexy at the moment. And you're too skinny for me. Move out, get a job." Bite back girl.


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    #10
    uberwolf
    Registered Users Posts: 7,579 ✭✭✭uberwolf


    He may qualify as a financially dependent co habitor.

    If you do go down the route of breaking up with him, seek legal advice first before you broach with him.


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    #11
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    uberwolf wrote: »
    He may qualify as a financially dependent co habitor.

    If you do go down the route of breaking up with him, seek legal advice first before you broach with him.

    Absolutely this. Get the advice in hand first. Once you have that, then you can make a plan. If the legal advice checks out (i.e. you can get him out without penalty), then tell your BF to pack his bags and be out within a month. Be prepared for a battle though. Sounds as though he knows he has a cushy number and might not be up for moving...


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    #12
    danslevent
    Registered Users Posts: 893 ✭✭✭danslevent


    OP,did you post about this issue already before? sounds very similar to a thread months ago


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You sound like a nice person who is unhappy with her life. Your co called boyfriend is a leech. He is living in your house and the reality is that you are subbing his life.
    He is making no effort to get a job and he then complains to you about your weight.
    No wonder your unhappy coming home after a days work to him and his attitude.
    My feeling is that you have put on weight because your comfort eating - your eating because your unhappy and unhappy because your eating.

    Living with this man is doing nothing for you. I would get legal advice and then get him out of your house. I would have friends/your family there when you tell him to go as it he may not be happy when he is told to get lost.

    The sooner you get him out of your house and out of your life the better.
    Once your do this you will feel better and this will help you move on with your life.


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You need to get legal advice before you ask him to move out OP. He may have a claim on the house depending how long you've been living together.


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well thanks to all for the advice I just want to let you all know that I balky did it I got him to move out and we are finished!
    I feel so happy in myself I just hope that he stays away now and does not start hassling me. That usually happens.
    I am so excited to start the new year as a happy single woman!!
    Thanks again for the advice


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    #16
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    Great news - Yay you! Happy Christmas...

    If he starts any guff, then see about getting a barring order. I'd also change the locks, change the telephone and mobile numbers - hell even change your hair and get a new wardrobe! Sales are coming up, so why not? :D

    Good luck to you! :)


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    #17
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    Well done!! I read your post a month ago and couldn't offer anything constructive so I don't think I posted, I'm delighted that you took this step.. Stay strong! I hope you have a great Christmas and that 2015 brings you everything and more that you wish for x.


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