why am I drawn to a woman who I know is bad for me?

LegacyUser · 30-06-2015 6:36am #1

Bit of a weird topic to be posting on the net but I guess I want to know what is making me so irrational. so ive been doing a good bit of travelling in the past 2 years, im mid 20's now. on my first real trip abroad in late 2013 i met a girl in southeast asia. Spent a couple of days with her, had a ball and then moved on. I returned home and we kept in touch a bit over skype. I didn't think about her too much but I did keep in contact at least once or twice a month. Shes from thailand and works as a masseuse. I actually met her in a nightclub though.

i went back then to thailand in october 2014 and thought "why not visit her"? Again we had a blast for a few days and I went home. Only this time I was extremely sad to leave her and she also shed some tears. For some stupid reason I was under the illusion that I was the only bloke she was going off with (pretty silly considering that id seen her for a total of 8 days in the space of a year). When I was home, for some reason i didnt bother pursuing other girls much. i kissed the odd girl on nights out but wasnt actively looking for women (ive always been shy with the opposite sex anyway). Anyway i found out after i returned home she was spending time with another man. it hurt me a fair bit, not to the point of tears or anything but I was slightly angry.

I love my travel so I made another trip to Asia in february of this year. I was around her part of the world again and this time we stayed together for about 4 weeks. Had an amazing time. But literally the day after I left i found out she was off with another guy to Vietnam. She called me up crying and admitted everything and returned home from vietnam after only 2 days, explaining that it was me she really wanted. She then admitted other things about her past, like the fact she had given handjobs for money in her masseuse job.

This is where I start to really not understand my behaviour. Instead of realizing she's bad news and not the kind of person I want to be with and cutting her out of my life, I ended up keeping in touch with her and telling her I wanted her too. I am weirdly drawn to her because every time we are together we have a great time. But I know really when im not with her she is most likely going off with any number of men (despite her promises that she only wants me). I am being completely stupid and spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about her, keeping in touch with her etc. Im even working now in a part of the world im not particularly fond of, for the sole purpose of going back to see her. It's the nature of her job that she will meet foreign men all the time and i seem to ignore this fact and just want to spend time with her. instead of keeping in touch with her now and then and maybe visiting her when im in her country im acting irrational and devoting my time and energy into being able to see her again. i guess the advice im looking for is whether i should cut all contact and forget her, or take a step back and just keep in touch now and then? I already have a flight to see her for this month booked. i would like to settle down with her for a bit and see how the whole thing pans out, but when i consider her past am i just being completely stupid?

Neyite · 30-06-2015 10:33am

OP, you've posted about this before, on several threads, and you got some great advice, but didn't seem to take any on board. As a mod, I'll tell you that there comes a point where we draw the line when we feel that a poster isn't helping themselves, but using the forum to post repeat threads without trying to resolve their issue with the good advice given.

In the nicest possible way, at some point you have to stop expecting a magical fix by asking the internet and put practical effort in yourself.

You've booked a flight to go see her for the third time in 7 months. What advice are you likely to take on board? Go to her, but go with your eyes open, assume you haven't been told the half of it. Otherwise you'll get hurt. Again.

She has told you she is a masseuse who does extras. She has told you she is a sex worker. It's her job to make you feel unique and special. Just like the other men she has as clients. And if someone provides a good service, they will have regular customers. Like you. Like the man she went to visit in Vietnam. Like her other clients.

Here is what will happen when you get there: She will either continue working, and you'll have to get to grips with the fact that she is providing sexual services to men while being your 'girlfriend', or, you'll be expected to provide for her to make up for loss of earnings while she is exclusively your girlfriend.

blatantrereg · 30-06-2015 10:35am

Don't know. I'd just feel disgusted tbh.

Surely the current situation needs to change - where you think she is having sex or at least giving handjobs to other people, but kind of ignoring it and acting like she is the love of your life. That must be doing bad things to your mental wellbeing, nevermind your self esteem.

So you could cut off contact with her and move on. The other possibility is you try to have a proper relationship with her. That means living in the same place long-term and very likely means you supporting her financially.

I reckon there isn't enough trust and you don't know her well enough for the second option to be a good idea. It would require a large commitment from you in multiple ways. Also the seedy background can't help.

So change the current situation, which isn't good for you and isn't maintainable. Then think through what your options are and commit to your decision. I would very much be of the opinion that it's best to ditch her.

Neyite · 30-06-2015 11:31am

There is another important consideration OP.

Many women have a strong view of men who avail of the services of sex workers. What if, down the line, you meet someone wonderful and terrific and who you want to marry, but she is disgusted by the fact you repeatedly visited a sex worker, and does not want to settle down with a man who used prostitutes or had in the past?

So think carefully here about your overall future.

zoobizoo · 30-06-2015 12:43pm

To put it bluntly, she's kissing you with the same mouth that she's sucking off other men who she's being paid by. How many men? Who knows.......

If that doesn't make up your mind to end it, nothing will.

Potatoeman · 30-06-2015 1:34pm

Have you got an STD test since being with her?

I would run a mile. As a westerner youre seen as a great catch over there. She might be judging you as a great opportunity rather than a great love.

OneOfThem · 30-06-2015 1:42pm

Just a guess... but is she by any chance, really really really good in bed? That's probably why.

You just need to get with more women and find one that'll ride her out of your head.

mangotracy · 30-06-2015 4:36pm

Speaking as a woman I'd be very wary of a man like you who had 'fallen in love' with a sex worker from Thailand, where her very job is to make you feel like you are a million dollars. You may well compare any future possible woman who isn't a sex worker, who will never live up to this, and it isn't healthy at all.

OneOfThem · 30-06-2015 4:42pm

mangotracy wrote: »

Speaking as a woman I'd be very wary of a man like you who had 'fallen in love' with a sex worker from Thailand, where her very job is to make you feel like you are a million dollars. You may well compare any future possible woman who isn't a sex worker, who will never live up to this, and it isn't healthy at all.

There's absolutely loads of women out there that aren't sex workers and will make you feel like you are a million dollars, both in and out of the bedroom, just because they think you're awesome. Nothing wrong with setting the bar high.

mangotracy · 30-06-2015 5:22pm

A good start in setting the bar high is getting out there and finding someone who isn't going to see you as a rich westerner or a ticket out. It must be tough for women like her in Thailand, having to use their bodies to feed themselves and their family, she probably has had to learn how to have very one sided interactions where it is all about pleasing men. That isn't a relationship, it's a trade.

30-06-2015 6:23pm

It sounds to me that you've got a self destructive streak. The title says, women that are bad for me. Yet you mention just one. Are there other examples?

I'm not sure what has been said in other replies but -

1: get an sti check
2: go to speak a counselor
3: stay away from this woman.

LegacyUser · 30-06-2015 6:48pm

I'm confused by the level of snobbery in this thread. People looking down on me because I like a girl who has a bad past. I came here looking for advice but all I have found is people with a holier than thou attitude. As if looking past someone's history is the worst thing in the world and getting involved with this girl is a bad reflection on me.

Just so it can be known, I have never once paid money to this girl or sent her anything of monetary value. The only time I spend money on her is when I buy tickets to go see her. You all may have your own ignorant and biased conclusions about this relationship based on your preconceived ideas about Thai women. But let me tell you that things like this are a lot more complicated than "oh she's a sex worker, that's sad".

As I said I've never mentioned paying her for anything and her liking of me was not based on me providing stuff for her family. She has given habdjobs in the past and as far as I know that is the extent of it, but obviously it could have been more than that. Underneath the shady past she happens to be a very nice person with an extremely poor background who's parents abandoned her as a child.

Anyway just thought I'd clarify some stuff because reading about how low and sad future girlfriends will think I am just because I've dated a girl with an imperfect past kinda grated with me to be honest.

Spencer Winterbotham · 30-06-2015 6:58pm

You've fallen in love with a sex worker. It happens.

If you go back and expect her to stop working you will have to support her and support her well or you will get the flick. Make absolutely no mistake about that.

You're not going to live happily ever after but you might have a nice few months.

If you're a "fool in love" kinda guy i'd stay at home.

If you can see the situation for what it is..... why not.. but I wouldn't go broadcasting to one and all when you get back, especially any new western gf.

LegacyUser · 01-07-2015 9:30am

OP again...

To the poster who wondered if she is really good in bed...yes that is if im being honest, a big part of my attraction to her. But outside of that we have a great time when we're together. Eating different kinds of Thai foods, experiencing a different culture, I have so many unique and happy times spent with her.

BUT, I recognize from what people have said here that the situation will never really change. She will always be a sex worker for as long as im not providing her income. Yes she might only massage most of the time but there will always be them added bonuses to give her money to survive. I don't believe she would "cheat" on me in the conventional meaning of the word, as in go off with another bloke of her own choice. I genuinely believe she likes me. I know it means nothing at all in the grand scheme of things but her facebook status is set to in a relationship with me and her profiles has pictures of us together. Yes people can have multiple accounts but im pretty certain this is her only one. There is a genuine liking on her part, of that im not in doubt.

But what I do highly doubt is will she ever really change. And do I really want to have a girl who only remains faithful if I provide for her? I'm not so sure. I'm 24 years of age and im being a bit of an eejit to be honest. It's a combination of thinking with my d*ck, and fearing loneliness. As I said im shy, and I have this horrible feeling that when I cut this girl out of my life all that will be left contacting me is my parents and the one or 2 mates I have. I'll basically not exist to the world. Right now I have her to chat with all the time. When I cut her out I'll have nobody really.

I wish I didn't get attached so easily and could take this as a sort of a holiday fun kinda thing. I'm sure many people throughout the world have gone to Thailand, met a girl, went back to see her the odd time but thought nothing more of it. And many have also had their hearts broken. I'm kinda in the middle of that spectrum but he more time I spend with someone the less easy it is to just see it as a bit of fun. I wish I didnt get caught up in the emotional side of this stuff so easily. Is there a way back from here, to withdraw a bit and go back to having her as someone I keep in touch with now and then and if im in that part of the world ill visit, or have I invested too much emotionally and need to cut her out of my life? I really don't know. I think it would be a shame to never talk to her again because she is a good person with a difficult past. Anyway sorry for rambling but I have written down some of my main problems here and if anybody has anything to say to me, or any advice, no matter how blunt it is, would be nice.

Potatoeman · 01-07-2015 10:44am

desperado1 wrote: »

I'm confused by the level of snobbery in this thread. People looking down on me because I like a girl who has a bad past. I came here looking for advice but all I have found is people with a holier than thou attitude. As if lookinug past someone's history is the worst thing in the world and getting involved with this girl is a bad reflection on me.

Just so it can be known, I have never once paid money to this girl or sent her anything of monetary value. The only time I spend money on her is when I buy tickets to go see her. You all may have your own ignorant and biased conclusions about this relationship based on your preconceived ideas about Thai women. But let me tell you that things like this are a lot more complicated than "oh she's a sex worker, that's sad".

As I said I've never mentioned paying her for anything and her liking of me was not based on me providing stuff for her family. She has given habdjobs in the past and as far as I know that is the extent of it, but obviously it could have been more than that. Underneath the shady past she happens to be a very nice person with an extremely poor background who's parents abandoned her as a child.

Anyway just thought I'd clarify some stuff because reading about how low and sad fu People sue for anything these days. My
ture girlfriends will think I am just because I've dated a girl with an imperfect past kinda grated with me to be honest.

I did think people jumped to that conclusion too fast. You didn't know about her past so it's not your fault. It's up to you how big of deal it is.

On the other hand you said she was off with some other guy the day after you left. While you were pining for her months after leaving. Maybe you are more into her than she is into you.

OneOfThem · 01-07-2015 11:24am

Ah a lot of us have been there man. Not exactly the same situation, but ultimately along the same lines. Meet a girl, sex is mind blowing, you've a great time together, but at the end of the day due to some circumstances or others, you know it's not a runner, and has to come to an end. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier to walk away from though.
I'm sensing this might be your first relationship too? So that would make it a double whammy. And then add to that the fact that you worry about feeling a bit lonely due to not having the kind of social circle you'd like. It's tough.

But look, you're only 24. You've travelled. You seem sound and like a decent bloke. It may not seem like it to you, but really your life is only starting out at this stage.

And I mean what I said in a previous post. The world is absolutely full of women that will be just as great in bed, just as generous both in and out of bed, and just as willing to make you fee like a king. All for no other reason than they want to make you happy. And the only 'trade' they'll want is that you treat them as well as they treat you. Even if this turns out to be only one woman in a hundred, there's 3.5 billion women in the world, so that's a still a pool of 35 million to chose from. You've just got to put yourself out there and start looking for them. It may take a bit of time and it's more effort than just going back to this girl, but the looking can be a hell of a lot of fun.

LLMMML · 01-07-2015 12:48pm

I think your last post answered the question of why you're so into a woman that you know is bad for you. You're lonely. If you had an active social life you would have forgotten about this girl quite quickly. So that's the problem you need to address.

Taboola · 01-07-2015 1:10pm

desperado1 wrote: »

I'm confused by the level of snobbery in this thread. People looking down on me because I like a girl who has a bad past. I came here looking for advice but all I have found is people with a holier than thou attitude. As if looking past someone's history is the worst thing in the world and getting involved with this girl is a bad reflection on me.

It's not her history. It's her present.

blatantrereg · 01-07-2015 8:03pm

desperado1 wrote: »

OP again...

To the poster who wondered if she is really good in bed...yes that is if im being honest, a big part of my attraction to her. But outside of that we have a great time when we're together. Eating different kinds of Thai foods, experiencing a different culture, I have so many unique and happy times spent with her.

BUT, I recognize from what people have said here that the situation will never really change. She will always be a sex worker for as long as im not providing her income. Yes she might only massage most of the time but there will always be them added bonuses to give her money to survive. I don't believe she would "cheat" on me in the conventional meaning of the word, as in go off with another bloke of her own choice. I genuinely believe she likes me. I know it means nothing at all in the grand scheme of things but her facebook status is set to in a relationship with me and her profiles has pictures of us together. Yes people can have multiple accounts but im pretty certain this is her only one. There is a genuine liking on her part, of that im not in doubt.

But what I do highly doubt is will she ever really change. And do I really want to have a girl who only remains faithful if I provide for her? I'm not so sure. I'm 24 years of age and im being a bit of an eejit to be honest. It's a combination of thinking with my d*ck, and fearing loneliness. As I said im shy, and I have this horrible feeling that when I cut this girl out of my life all that will be left contacting me is my parents and the one or 2 mates I have. I'll basically not exist to the world. Right now I have her to chat with all the time. When I cut her out I'll have nobody really.

I wish I didn't get attached so easily and could take this as a sort of a holiday fun kinda thing. I'm sure many people throughout the world have gone to Thailand, met a girl, went back to see her the odd time but thought nothing more of it. And many have also had their hearts broken. I'm kinda in the middle of that spectrum but he more time I spend with someone the less easy it is to just see it as a bit of fun. I wish I didnt get caught up in the emotional side of this stuff so easily. Is there a way back from here, to withdraw a bit and go back to having her as someone I keep in touch with now and then and if im in that part of the world ill visit, or have I invested too much emotionally and need to cut her out of my life? I really don't know. I think it would be a shame to never talk to her again because she is a good person with a difficult past. Anyway sorry for rambling but I have written down some of my main problems here and if anybody has anything to say to me, or any advice, no matter how blunt it is, would be nice.

Being okay by yourself is the best foundation for any relationship. My advice is that you practice being okay by yourself before getting into a serious relationship.

Definitely not snobby to say you should ditch a woman who **** off other guys.

why am I drawn to a woman who I know is bad for me?

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