Do you ever get over your first love?

LegacyUser · 26-09-2014 10:39am #1

Hi,

I am a 24 year old guy who has been in love once in my life. It was a very strong connection I had with my ex, and we were together from when I was 18 until I was 21. Towards the end of the relationship I knew things were going badly. We hadn't had sex in like a year and we argued a lot. I even mentioned to my friends that I could see it ending, but even still when I got a text saying "it's over", I was hit pretty hard. In fact, to this day, over 2 years later I still think of her. Since we broke up I've not even been on a date. I have kissed around 15 or so girls on nights out and slept with 2. I feel stuck in the past while she has moved on. She's even got a new bf which I seen on facebook and it hurt badly. I only blocked her from facebook like 2 months ago.

It's like in my head I am thinking that no girl will ever come close to the connection that we had. I know there's millions of girls out there but still. It's difficult to imagine anything coming close to that first experience of love. My self-esteem also took a big hit from being dumped aswell. It's like my sense of self-worth depends on having a girlfriend and when that was taken from me I didn't know what to do. Since breaking up I have tried some new things like learning a musical instrument, independant travel and recently joined a gym. But even when I don't think about her consciously, I still end up dreaming about her and then she'll be on my mind for the whole of the next day. I guess what i'm wondering is, do you ever get over your first love? I find it difficult to convince myself that I'll have a connection like that again with a girl, so I don't bother to try and seek one. I stay single and lonely and feel as if i'm wasting my life not experiencing new relationships. I think the experience of being hurt so badly when the previous relationship ended has made me also slightly fear becoming close to someone again. Any help would be really appreciated.

Zeouterlimits · 26-09-2014 12:13pm

As someone in a similar situation, 25, losing the to-date "love of my life" last yaer, still thinking about her everyday, allow me to respond -

Yes, in a sense you do get over your first love. Deep down you know this as much as I do, even if we have trouble believing in it because of how much love still lingers inside and how wonderful the good times were or how affirmed every day with her.

But we know how people work, how society functions. Eventually, if you keep trying and keeping moving forward in your own life, you will almost surely fall for someone else, and over time it will develop in a deep serious love. And ye'll probably split. And the cycle will repeat until it doesn't.

Now it has been 3 years OP. I think it would be worth talking to a counsellor about how to rethink your self image and self worth.
Not being single or rather being with someone is something society places a pressure / value where being single can/is often seen as a weakness, and I think you need to be able to truly believe you right now, are great and not being in a deep relationship right now, isn't a failing, it'd merely be a bonus to your already baller young life.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser · 26-09-2014 2:59pm

It's said that you never fall all the way out of love. A lot of years after my first love, I can look back and remember fondly and smile at a lot of great memories. At the time, I though the wrold was ending, now I can hardly remember the pain of the split and when I bumped into her recently, it was lovely to see her and hear about her life since. We're both happy now and we gave each other a lot of what goes into our respective happiness.

It hasn't been two years since you broke up, you can actually date that to two months ago when you blocked her on Facebook, because up to then you were keeping the relationship alive in your head. You will have great connections with people in the future, if you allow yourself. Give it time, keep busy, find what makes you happy and let the moving on happen. It'll come without you even noticing. Scars fade and you'll be fine.

strobe · 26-09-2014 3:44pm

Usually around the time your second love comes around. Don't sweat it. Just look to the future.

paddy1990 · 26-09-2014 4:06pm

Your problem is lack of options. Maybe you didn't realize how lucky you were or how good you had it. Love is replicable, over and over again.

bedlamaticable · 27-09-2014 12:02am

I don't think you ever forget your first love, but you certainly do get over it.

I know it may seem like you won't ever have that connection again, but you will.

This person has been your first and only love so far in your life. It's natural to think about it. That relationship taught you everything you know about love, and what being in a relationship is.
You are naturally going to compare how you feel about a new love interest to how you felt about her, but it's vital to remember that you haven't had that with anyone else because it hasn't got go that stage.

You need to work on a blank canvas and try not to compare your future relationships to your old one and take from it what went wrong in your last relationship and how to avoid these things again and llet things progress naturally.
You're so young and you most certainly will build a stronger bond with someone over time.

DukeOfTheSharp · 27-09-2014 12:41am

For me? Yes. I got over her. And I did it by putting things in perspective.

So here's a handy tip I used in my situation: look at the last thing she did, the last ever action she took in ending your relationship and ask: am I ok with that?

Given that all you got was a text - and I'm being as blunt as I wish people had been with me - she didn't care. And when you start respecting yourself, it's quite easy to let go of people who treated you poorly. At the end of the day, if a three year relationship came to an end with a text, you deserved better, and she didn't really care about you as she acted incredibly poorly. My advice, build up your self respect. You're a person and you deserve to be treated as an equal and not be broken down by one person and their immature and disrespectful behaviour.

And trust me, they call it 'first' love for a reason, you work out the kinks and move on. You'll date, you'll like people, but the second love? Better than the first, and you'll be much happier as a result.

theunclebob · 29-09-2014 3:56pm

yes, but no one can throw a time at you.

i can remember losing one or two people that i thought would literally be the end of the world. now, years later, if i think of them in passing, it's rare and i quickly move on.

good luck, be strong.

jlm29 · 30-09-2014 12:06am

I broke up with my first love eight years ago, after a two year relationship. The two years were a bit s**t really, looking back. Neither of us was able for a relationship emotionally- we both had issues (bereavements, break ups etc) and we were using each other to fill a gap in our lives, I think now. He treated me fairly appallingly at times. I still recognise that he was a very good person, and loved me in his own way, but wasn't capable of showing it at that point in his life. He needed to be single, and usually acted like he was. Anyhow, we broke up, and he was very quickly in another relationship (and still is in that same relationship). I was a bit sad, but not devastated. We had drifted so far apart, that it was easy to see it as a good thing. Also, his new girlfriend wasn't local, so I think I could count on a few fingers the number of times I've seen him over the last 8 years.
Occasionally I'd get texts alluding to the fact that he may have made a mistake, but I never really entertained them. Then 5 years ago, I met my next great love, and am very very happy. We have a baby and a house and are engaged, and I realise what a proper relationship should be. I wouldn't give back those years with my first love though, because I learned a lot.

To answer your question though- my first love will always have a piece of my heart. I'm pretty sure he would say the same for me (he spent a while ear bashing one of my friends when I got engaged about how it really cut him up that I was with someone else). Every now and again we have a small bit of communication -he initiates, and I respond politely, but keeping it to a minimum. I'm at a point now where those messages don't make my heart flutter. I sometimes think we could be friends now- though that is not something I would jeopardise my current relationship for.

I would consider that when we were together, we were friends as well as boyfriend/girlfriend, and it's very hard to have a friendship vanish overnight. In a peculiar way, that dysfunctional juvenile relationship helped me over two bereavements, by distracting me, and a part of me will always have a love for him, but not a romantic love.

osarusan · 30-09-2014 3:05pm

I did yes, certainly. I was the one who did the breaking up though, so I can imagine that it was harder for her.

But, although we're not in contact anymore, I know that she is happily married with a child, and I'm happily married with two children.

The thing about your first love is that it's the first time you've felt like this, and when it ends there's a worry that it will never be like that again.

But it will. Be confident about that.

CaraMay · 30-09-2014 3:56pm

Pining for an ex is a waste of your time as it's all in the past. There isn't just one person you are compatible with - there are thousands. Don't waste time looking backwards.

TheSheriff · 30-09-2014 5:53pm

I agree with all of the above! Some great advice on here!

I spent the best part of nearly 15 months pining over an ex, and ultimately I gained nothing from it. She was "the love of my life" and all that jazz (at the time). When the penny dropped and she left me I was totally stagnant in my life where as (or so I felt) she was moving forward onto new beginnings, a new city and new educations, friends etc etc

Its a difficult thing to see and it totally hit me like a tone of bricks. How can she move on from this were as I am so torn up. I could barely function on a daily basis. The answer has already been put above, the relationship was over in her head long before she uttered the words "I think we should be friends".

Its only now that I have actually pulled myself out of the lull I was in, I've decided to go back and upskill my education, move to a new city, make new connections. I feel like I have woken up! And with that came the confidence and then the realization that there are so many other potential partners out there. Ill admit the odd day I still might have a flick at her facebook etc, but it means very little to me! Its more of a curiosity then ever. I saw recently that she is seeing someone new, and I felt.................absolutely nothing. I met her on the street a few weeks back and we exchanged a smile. Again the fear of the reality of seeing her was as fleeting as our passing on the street.

You'll be grand OP! I was honestly in your position ( I was also 24 when all this happened). Give it time, let yourself feel down for a while and then buckle up and move on! Plenty have done it before you and chances are it wont be the last time it happens!

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 7:01pm

OP, you are stuck in a rut. The problem here is you are constantly thinking of someone who clearly does not want a relationship with you and has moved on. Having to see this isn't a good way to get yourself to move on.

For the record, I am 24 myself and am out of an LTR since June, where my gf left me. We were together for almost 4 years. I, too, was gutted. We had magical moments, a unique click with each other that I had never experienced before (and neither had she). However, there were problems in the background that couldn't be solved and when she left me, these problems really got me down. I was absolutely destroyed

The first few weeks were, quite metaphorically, horrible. I had to try and function normally with this cloud over me. What also didn't help was the fact that my sex life had practically vanished in an instant. Multiple blows in one you may say

One day, I woke up and for some reason, I didn't feel all bad. Working on this, I have strived to make the best of a bad situation and realized that moping over her was utterly useless, de-constructional and a waste of time.

I have met up with her since. One day we just spent talking about the situation, how we were keeping and how we would go on after that day. We both decided that it was best not to bring up relationships/upsetting topics when we would speak to each other. Since then, we can have a chat without feeling bad or fear of upsetting (both me and her).

For the record, neither me or her want a relationship with each other. It took a while to get this to sink in mind you, but it was for the best. So in that sense, we let each other go

But, what else helped me move on in quite a fast timespace? I decided after that morning in August, I was going to start going out again an meet new people. I don't know about you OP, but I changed the way I did things on a night out. Instead of getting sloshed with friends in one pub and thinking "yeah, this is fun but why didn't I meet anyone new" I made it my mission just to strike up conversations with random groups of people and see where that would take me. I was the kind of person that was quite chatty once known well but very shy around strangers, thus this was a huge plunge for me to take. Once I tried it I realised just how much of a kick, a rush I'd get from doing so. Hand on heart, I haven't had as much fun on nights out since I started that. Not only have I spoken to so many random people, both male and female, but I have since realised as well as the offers for one night stands, I felt a natural click with some of the women I would be chatting to. So, trust me, there are other people out there you will find a mutual attraction and click with

It is worth a try OP. Whatever you do, best of luck and I hope I was some help

sunshine and showers · 30-09-2014 8:25pm

To put it simply, yes you do get over your first love, but it takes time. I also found that "time is a great healer" was the last thing I wanted to hear when it felt like my world was ending and my heart would always be broken. I just *knew* that I was going to be the exception to the rule who would be miserable forever. But it's true, time heals all; it's an old saying for a reason.

Block them online and delete their number (you have to for your sanity if you're the type to "check up" on them). Take it one day at a time. There's no time limit for getting over them or for starting to date again. Just focus on yourself and your own happiness for now.

One day you'll realise you haven't thought about them in a while and it won't hurt anymore (or at least not as much) when you do. I promise.

mrty · 01-10-2014 1:06am

Let me know if you find out.

maroon · 01-10-2014 8:47am

Mrty, read all of the above, it's really true! They say time heals the pain, it's not the time! It's the notion of looking forward to things, events. Join the meet ups, remember you have friends, some maybe needing company too, keep yourself busy. As I came across in another post, relationship is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. Be happy with your life, job, hobbies, know how to spend time alone. Love yourself! Meet new friends and don't think about meeting a girlfriend above all. You're clearly not ready to go into something serious again, try having fun OP, you're so young!

(P.s, my personal way of getting over him was twisted and probably unhealthy but it worked in a way. I just woke up one day and told myself that he doesn't exist, that he never existed...in my defence it worked wonders)

Hugs OP and Mrty. Things will start look up, alow yourself be the most important person in your life now.

LegacyUser · 01-10-2014 11:45am

It is a horrible pain. It is grieving for someone who is still around, and you cannot be with. You have to allow yourself to grieve.

Everyone has there own way of dealing with it. BUt What I found helped...

Distance. I totally removed myself from his life. I told him never to contact me again. I didnt enquire from mutual friends as to his well being. I cut him out. It was hard, but like ripping off a plaster, better in the long run.

I made a list. No matter how good the relationship is / was there is always things you cannot do / see / feel while in the relationship. I created a list of why my life was better without him in it. Some things we really petty , for example I didn't have to watch football on the telly, and I never had to listen to him moan about his work colleagues again. To big things, like I booked a trip to South America with friends. I kept the list on my phone and added to it anytime anything occurred to me how my life was better without him. It became a joke among my friends, like on a night out, Id add that I wanted to drink tequila. But the list worked for me. Eventually I forgot about the list, and my life was just better with out him in it.

I moved on. I went on a date a few weeks later with a total player. I knew him, I was not interested in having a relationship, either was he. We fooled around. He distracted me. And it worked. We are still friends.

You will get over your first love (and subsequent love's too) . But as others have said, the longer you pine, the longer it will hurt. You have to force yourself to take steps to move on. It will not be easy. I think you need to go through the stages of grieving. You need to do what works for you. If you find something that triggers a 'bad day' try to avoided that in future. Eventually you will realise you are over them, and wonder how that happened. But it will only happen if you live your own life, and stop trying to be a part of theirs.

Good luck and be kind to yourself during this time.

Do you ever get over your first love?

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