Flirty OH

LegacyUser · 29-09-2014 7:29pm #1

Hi all,

just a quick question. (edit - turned out to be a bit longer than expected!)

I am in the position to go out soon with my OH to an evening that my instincts tell me he'd rather I didn't. Should I go or not? (As in, should I pretend that I don't feel the vibes of 'I don't really want you there', or not?)

Background:he is an extremely flirty person. He loves women's attention, can't get enough of it actually, and gawks at pretty women when we are out, a lot. Besides which, he is very good looking and does get a lot of attention he seems to crave so much.

I've found this difficult to accept at first, but now a few months in, I'm feeling mostly resigned to it. He has apologised for being that way, to which I said no need to apologise, this is who you are but I don't want to be cheated on and that would be the end.

The relationship is fairly new but in the stage of getting to know the nitty gritty of each other's characters. Establishing boundaries too, which is where I'm having some trouble.

He is a very good partner, initiates texting, attentive enough, eager about spending time together and making fun plans. Sexually we're really compatible and it's great.

Yet I often get a feeling there will always be a girl or two I need to watch my back about. Unless I change the way I react to all this attention he is getting, of course, which is what will need to happen I suppose.

For example, what happened recently is we ran into a pretty girl in the street who he knows but I've never seen before and who started blushing furiously as she chatted to the OH. Everything ok and pleasant and I didn't even ask him who that was or where he knew her from, once we went on our way, because I'm superconscious of feeling jealous and so I'm very self-conscious of appearing jealous. But also there was no peep from him on the subject, either, when otherwise he would be very chatty on who's who and who they hang out with and other gossip. What I think happens with these girls is he flirts up a storm with someone on a night out sometimes, and then little situations like this can arise. I don't actually just think it, I've seen it happen with girls (let me tell you, the amount of women out there who think even an attached man is fair game - my eyes have truly been opened!), he drinks it all up and responds with a charm offensive, it's validation for him and is a part of a larger picture with him where he is very, very preoccupied with his social life and his perceived popularity and he just wants everyone to like him.

So, about the upcoming evening, I just feel this undercurrent of I'm not wanted there, and my suspicion is that it has, again, something to do with some pretty girl. So a part of me is all territorial now and wants to go and see for myself the people he hangs out with, while the other part is all keep away, he needs the freedom of having his own friends and interests, nothing will turn him off quicker than possessivenes, even very subtly shown. And yes, if I want to be with him, maybe I just need to accept that he needs these little flirtations to feel happy, and learn to live with it.

I think I won't go, but I don't know if I'm making a 'tactical' mistake by not going. I could easily go, too. I'm overthinking it.

Whether I go or not, there will be many other instances like that one if we stay together, so the question isn't going anywhere!

Your thoughts please.

and thank you.

CaraMay · 29-09-2014 8:39pm

You have no peace. What are you doing in this relationship?

Tigger99 · 29-09-2014 8:47pm

That sounds exhausting OP. There's naturally flirtatious and then there's taking the piss...

Laois6556 · 29-09-2014 8:54pm

I could be way off but your boyfriend sounds like he's a serial cheat.

Yurt2 · 29-09-2014 8:54pm

It sounds as if your OH behaves as if he's sexually available around women. I've been there and done that with a female partner (this type of behavior cuts both ways for both genders), and it's frustrating and often disrespectful.

Think of it this way, you're a good looking person and you constantly get validation from complete strangers in sexually charged environments such as clubs or even the workplace. Why would you bother changing? Isn't life wonderful this way? Respecting your partner and not presenting yourself as if you're sexually available is counter to your instincts. The pattern of behavior was set long before he met you, and he subconsciously knows what he's doing whether he admits it or not. If you think he's worth it, the trick is to put your foot down and let him know what you will and wont accept without coming across as controlling. You deserve dignity in the relationship and he needs to know that.

(Just as an aside, my former OH displayed these tendencies (flirted for validation and sexual attention, often in front of me), admitted she did so and promised she'd change. She never did, and eventually got drunk one night when I was out of town and slept with a complete stranger)

indigo twist · 29-09-2014 8:56pm

It sounds horrible. I can't understand why you want to stay in such an awful relationship. Couldn't put up with that myself.

Tilly · 29-09-2014 9:14pm

I had a bf exactly like this 10 years ago and he was cheating on me left right and centre. I thought "ah sure it's only flirting" but it wasn't. He's nearly 40 now and the sad fecker is still behaving like gods gift.

You'll never get peace with someone like your bf. Even if he's faithful you'll still have the thoughts that he's not. Trust me.

ceadaoin. · 29-09-2014 9:27pm

It's a new relationship, it isn't supposed to be this exhausting. Get out now before it's too late. If you don't then be prepared to be cheated on, or at the very least constantly worry about what he is doing when you aren't around. Or to feel like crap when he again flirts with other women right in front of you and to be expected to accept it because sure, it's harmless, it's just the way he is.

It's no way to live.

LegacyUser · 29-09-2014 9:37pm

Thank you folks.

Wow. I didn't realise I was in an awful relationship, that's for sure!

Hmmm... I suppose there is plenty for me to think about here. The thing is, I am someone who is busy enough with my various responsibilities at the moment, so the type of relationship that this is, a slightly detached one, has been great for me. Really and honestly, awful would be the last possible word I would describe this relationship as. It's been working out, and it's been making me feel happy, for the most part.

But I think as time moves on, and we get to know each other better, in addition to showing more and more of our true selves, our emotional needs may come to feel at odds - maybe that's what's happening here. Maybe I do need more reassurance that this chap is able or willing to give me.

CaraMay, I don't know why but your post made me smile

kind of cuts right through to the problem - 'no peace'. And yet, it's not as dramatic as that, at least not for the moment.

Yurt, thank you also - as I said, yes, it is about establishing boundaries here. Your post is so insightful.

Everyone else, thank you for your experiences. Jaysus it sounds bleak...

CaraMay · 29-09-2014 9:51pm

Op sorry if I was curt (hate typing on this phone) but I would hate to be watching over my shoulder all the time. Life is too short

daisybelle2008 · 29-09-2014 10:14pm

OP, you sound all over the place to me. Not sure if it is actually him bringing out the worst in you and making you insecure and paranoid or if that is where you are anyway. Jesus the bit about thinking it might be a 'tactical' mistake not to go out and keep eye on him is frankly strange mindset. I know other posters are making him the problem, but I think you need to look at yourself. You are only with him a wet week, Ye are definitely not suited but the fact you don't recognise that, are not more sure of yourself and think woman are out to steal your man is your deal to work on.

njs030 · 29-09-2014 10:28pm

autumnal_ruminations wrote: »

Yet I often get a feeling there will always be a girl or two I need to watch my back about.

I don't actually just think it, I've seen it happen with girls (let me tell you, the amount of women out there who think even an attached man is fair game - my eyes have truly been opened!), he drinks it all up and responds with a charm offensive.

These two parts of your post stood out to me. How on earth is it the woman's fault!!! You shouldn't have to watch your back if your boyfriend was treating you with respect and decency and making it clear to people that he's unavailable.
Its very very hard for any woman to flirt with a man who walks away or won't entertain them!
You're already setting up an excuse of 'sure she threw herself at him' to excuse any step over the line.

I also don't understand why you've told him it's ok and part of his character when it's clearly not ok with you? If you can't be honest then he's not the man for you.

Yurt2 · 29-09-2014 10:42pm

notjustsweet wrote: »

These two parts of your post stood out to me. How on earth is it the woman's fault!!! You shouldn't have to watch your back if your boyfriend was treating you with respect and decency and making it clear to people that he's unavailable.
Its very very hard for any woman to flirt with a man who walks away or won't entertain them!
You're already setting up an excuse of 'sure she threw herself at him' to excuse any step over the line.

I also don't understand why you've told him it's ok and part of his character when it's clearly not ok with you? If you can't be honest then he's not the man for you.

Indeed. Those women owe the OP nothing, her boyfriend does. There's little point in being angry with them. Modern sexual politics being what they are, there's always going to be someone that will test how strong a relationship is. They may be brazen about it, but it wouldn't be happening if the partner in question wasn't being brazen also. The burden is on the OP's boyfriend to dump the Lothario crap, because that kind of stuff turns into cheating way faster than she may think.

Flippyfloppy · 29-09-2014 11:04pm

I'm sure there's more going on under the surface if he's craving attention and wanting people to like him. Surely he should be trying to impress the one he's with, not every one around him.

He sounds tiresome op and you're only in the honeymoon stages. The fact you're so busy, practical and aloof probably suits him down to the ground, I've seen it all before!!

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 12:18am

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, you sound all over the place to me. Not sure if it is actually him bringing out the worst in you and making you insecure and paranoid or if that is where you are anyway. Jesus the bit about thinking it might be a 'tactical' mistake not to go out and keep eye on him is frankly strange mindset. I know other posters are making him the problem, but I think you need to look at yourself. You are only with him a wet week, Ye are definitely not suited but the fact you don't recognise that, are not more sure of yourself and think woman are out to steal your man is your deal to work on.

Well I really don't think that's fair daisybelle, because some women definitely are out to get a man who is attached already, and I never realised the extent of it until I started going out with a really good looking man.

There was an instance for example where a girl we met twice to be introduced to and say hello to, was on both occasions hanging out of him like nobody's business, a beautiful girl btw, model-like. On the second occasion I had had enough of it and was seething because I just thought it was blatantly disrespectful to me, the way she was flirting, touching him all the time and getting into his face. So when we got home I pointed it out to him and he said oh yes, I know, I really thought she was blatant about it, I thought maybe you didn't notice? D'oh. Of course I noticed, I have eyes!!

The reason I wasn't angry with him but with her is because it was obviously one sided, in that he didn't touch her or actively respond. In fact, from what I can see, the more assertive a girl is, the less interest in flirting from him. I wasn't jealous, because if he went off with someone like that, great, they're welcome to each other. I would feel way more insecure over the kind of girl who doesn't actually chase an attached guy, or any guy for that matter, because that's the kind of girl he would make an effort for, like he did with me. That night, I was angry because I felt disrespected and didn't know how to respond to something like that in a socially acceptable way. You can't very well order a woman who is chatting to your OH to step away - they're just chatting, as far as anyone who isn't really looking (and why would they?) can see. There have been a few more instances like that, a couple more girls who tried it on in front of my very eyes, and he's very happy to acknowledge it once we're home and talking about our night out. I don't know if I'm a masochist or something, but the second I see someone is after him, I try to minimise my presence as much as possible and just observe. Oh to be a fly on the wall kind of thing. But I really have been wondering what the correct behaviour is of late.

To address another point made, I told him he doesn't need to apologise because, surprise, I believe he doesn't need to apologise to me. I didn't say it was OK, you must have misread that, but I don't know if it is OK, or how much of it is OK and what isn't - I'm trying to work that out right now, with myself first and foremost. I have a friend who is convinced I am a jealous and possessive person over nothing and shouldn't heed any of what I've written about, and then I have another friend who told me that I seem a bit cool about it all and that she couldn't stick my situation, not for a second. So you see, opinions differ and my posts are no doubt all over the place because I'm trying to work a few things out here

strobe · 30-09-2014 8:06am

Try talking to him again. From what you've said you mentioned it once, he said "sorry, I don't mean anything by it, it's just how I've always been" and you responded "ah sure no need to apologise, as long as you never cheat it's grand" and so he's figured the issue is resolved and you've gone back to silently stewing and worrying and driving yourself up the wall, plotting "tactical moves" to keep an eye on him or chase off other girls.

Try having a calm chat with him again. Just calmly let him know it is more of an issue than you previously alluded to. That it's been making you feel a bit uncomfortable and you worry that while he says there's no intent behind things that you're worried other girls could get the wrong impression and while you understand this is a part of his personality, it would make you feel a bit more at ease if he tried to tone things back a little and try to be aware how it could make someone in a relationship with him feel.

I disagree that you are in "an awful relationship" you say outright several times that it's a good relationship, that he treats you well, is attentive and interested and the last few months have been great.

Look, this is me. I'm apparently quite flirtatious with girls (I don't see it to be honest but it's been said to me by other people a good few times) and I have never, not once, cheated on anyone I was in a relationship or ever would. I've known several other people, male and female, that were the same. It does NOT automatically mean he is cheating or is going to cheat on you, or has any intention or desire to.

You say it's a good relationship, you say you've been happy apart from this, you say you really like him, give the guy a ****ing chance for crying out loud. Try to meet him half way as well. It doesn't sound like the issue is all on his side. Have a calm chat and see if he would try to be more aware of how this could affect you and tone it back a little, then try to tone back your own thoughts and worries and see if you can extend a little more trust his way.

It's still early days in the relationship, you probably don't really know him yet, so play it by ear and obviously be aware that people do cheat, although there is as much chance of someone that you never see being flirtatious around girls when you are with them cheating, but I really think it would be pretty knee jerky to end thing considering you seem to really like the guy and have your underlying trust and jealousy issues you've alluded to that may be making this seem a far bigger thing than it is, without at least having a proper chat and seeing if things can improve from both your sides in relation to this issue.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 8:33am

Thank you, strobe.

I have no intention of leaving the relationship over this, even though a lot of posters think I should. I agree it's way to early to make that kind of call in what is otherwise a very good relationship. I am his SO in all the meaningful ways, met his family, been on a couple of holidays already because we both love travel and doing stuff together, he is a supportive and attentive partner who's always there for me and the ear to listen when I have a crisis. But there is this blind spot with him when it comes to women's attention, and although I may seem crazy to some (or not crazy enough to others!lol), I am just trying to figure out what I should be feeling as a normal person.

In relation to what I wrote earlier as a response to daisybelle, I wanted to add that I know well enough the issue is not other women per se, I know it rationally, but I do feel put out when some are being so blatant about throwing themselves at him. I think I need to grow a thicker skin about that, precisely because I really feel, as I said, that there is nothing to be jealous about there, in those particular instances.

If anyone is still interested in my original question at all

I have decided against going to the upcoming evening, because I don't want to be going down that road and I have to stay aware of that. If he's gonna cheat, it is going to happen whether I keep a hawk eye on him and his flirting or not, o I might as well relax a bit more.

If I talk to him again about this, I want to be sure of what I am going to say. This thread is helping me in figuring things out.

LOLA08 · 30-09-2014 10:23am

I just had to reply, I have met someone like your OH except I am the other person he flirts with, & he has a girlfriend. I am single and looking to meet someone, & was completely smitten with him. I now realised that he has no interest in me & I am pure entertainment. this has been on going flirting.
when I found out he had a girlfriend I was shocked and to be honest upset. I had let this guy get under my skin only to find out I was a one of many girls he was behaving like this towards. I would not go off with somebody else boyfriend. but I can tell you I felt pretty crap when I realised I was a form of entertainment and nothing more. & he knows I am single and knows I like him. really embarrassed and felt very disrespected. I can only imagine how it would feel to be going out with someone like that. the thing is if his girlfriend saw his behaviour towards me I think she might think twice about what she has got herself into.

what I am saying is "innocent flirting" can end up going to far and sometimes people unwilling get in the crossfire, & I am one. it was not pleasant.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 10:52am

Hi Lola, thank you for that.

It all sounds familiar, yes. You know what, I'm no spring chicken and I've also been in your shoes in the past. This is how I can, now in this situation, tell the difference between some disrespectful and callous girl trying it on, and someone who is ignorant of my OH's relationship status (because he enjoys the flirtation so much, and he instinctively feels it just wouldn't be as interesting if the girl knew straight away he was taken - essentially what Yurt wrote in his post). The latter situations have also happened (for example, what I suspect happened with the blushing girl from my first post, and there have been other instances where I've met girls who were googly-eyed over him and completely unaware up to the point of meeting me, that he had a girlfriend) and they are more worrying for me, definitely. He strings girls along. Not for a long time and not in a big way, but it's still needy and immature behaviour. A behaviour that I don't know rightly how to address at this stage of the relationship, I'm so bl00dy self-conscious about being an insecure bunny boiler, and if you look over the thread you'll see that some would share my concern on that score.

It's all live and learn, Lola. I wish you the very best for the future.

CaraMay · 30-09-2014 12:45pm

So why might he not want you there?

kippy · 30-09-2014 12:54pm

OP, he needs to be less flirty. At the absolute minimum. Ive seen guys like this in the past in long term relationships with great women but who were cheating left right and centre. You need to be very wary despite the great relationship. The partners couldnt see the wood from the trees until it was too late.
Youll need to sit down and talk to him and most of all you shouldnt feel anything tactical about socialising with his work colleagues on the odd occasion.

Flippyfloppy · 30-09-2014 1:18pm

Op just to address your point about going out with a good looking man. My husband is drop dead gorgeous, and my exes would have attracted attention too. But never, ever, have any women hung out of My husband or anyone else in front of me. Make of that what you will!!

IlmoNT4 · 30-09-2014 1:20pm

OP I think you should read over you post a few times.

its a new relationship and you are feeling very insecure in both the relationship and in yourself. Your talking about tactics and jealousy.... The start of a relationship is usually the most exciting part and it should be relativity easy. Its not ok to have a boyfriend whos hitting on other women and if you are excusing this as his personality then where are the boundaries. Do you see what is happening, you are making yourself fit into his personality...Whats important here is you, what type of boyfriend you want.

I know you probably really like this guy and want it to work but you have to ask yourself some hard questions, is this guy really right for you, is he going to do whats right for you and is he going to be respectful toward you and the relationship. The main question you have to ask yourself, is this ok for me? Am I happy, does this person make me happy. If any of it is no, then cut that rip cord and get out. Life is way to short to burn time on dead end toxic relationships, worrying about model looking girls and all that nonsense.

Big Bag of Chips · 30-09-2014 1:54pm

The women who are hanging out of him in front of you are doing it because they feel comfortable doing it. He is not making it clear to them who you are, and that he is interested in you and you alone.

It's not disrespectful of them to hang out of him.. It's disrespectful of him to not draw that boundary. Your problem isn't that you have this gorgeous bf that everyone else wants, it's that you have a gorgeous bf who has no problem flirting and leading on others. If he is getting that "up close and personal" in front of you, what would he be doing when you are not there?

I don't know too many women who will stay around where they are getting blatant signals that they don't have a chance. They might chance it a few times in the hope, but if the lad is making it obvious that he's not interested they eventually move on.

So, you do go out on this night? What do you do? Stand back while he ignores the fact that you exist and allows these girls to fawn all over him? Or do you stay at home and worry about him allowing all these girls to fawn all over him? If he is a wonderful bf in private, then he should be a wonderful bf in public, and he should be proud to stand beside you and let people know that he is with you.

If he doesn't do that, you have to decide if you are happy putting up with that every time you go out together.

dixiefly · 30-09-2014 2:13pm

If you are even remotely interested in pursuing this relationship in the medium to long term and if others are bringing their partners / boyfriends/ girlfriends to the event then you would be mad not to go.

LOLA08 · 30-09-2014 3:00pm

I am no spring chicken either & neither is this guy, both in our 30's.
what bothered me is the fact he knew I was single & I was unaware he had a girlfriend. he mislead me and in reality it was all about his ego. no thought given to how it would affect me or his girlfriend for that mater. and worse still he does it with a lot of girls.

the lesson I have learned is "always assume that any new chap you meet has a partner unless told otherwise". if he doesn't let you know walk away, in fact run.

I don't know how I would deal with this but honesty is the best policy so tell him how it is and give him a chance to change.

Tasden · 30-09-2014 3:33pm

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, you sound all over the place to me. Not sure if it is actually him bringing out the worst in you and making you insecure and paranoid or if that is where you are anyway. Jesus the bit about thinking it might be a 'tactical' mistake not to go out and keep eye on him is frankly strange mindset. I know other posters are making him the problem, but I think you need to look at yourself. You are only with him a wet week, Ye are definitely not suited but the fact you don't recognise that, are not more sure of yourself and think woman are out to steal your man is your deal to work on.

Op i know you replied to this post but I have to agree with it. Even your response to it comes across as extremely insecure blaming other girls for flirting with him trying to steal him. Reading through this thread it would seem that your boyfriend is too flirty, girls who know he has a gf but don't care are too flirty, girls who don't know about you are too flirty, everyone is deemed too flirty rather than you just maybe considering the fact that you're mistaking friendliness for flirting. And even if it is flirting, surely you realise a person cant "steal" him from you no matter how amazingly well they flirt. Even if he flirts back (fine if its a no no in your eyes, that's something you need to communicate to him) it hardly means they're gonna run away into the sunset together so there's really no need for such analysis and over thinking of your "next move" or whatever.

I'd be very friendly to everyone I meet and sometimes it can be mistaken as flirting, even my ex would joke that I'm giving the barmen or whatever false hope and stuff when we went out, but anybody that has known me for more than two minutes knows it is friendliness, perhaps that's how your boyfriend is. Just enjoys banter with all people and doesn't feel the need to censor that just because the person is female.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 3:57pm

CaraMay wrote: »

So why might he not want you there?

Well I don't know exactly. It might be that he just wants to keep some interests and activities for himself, as any healthy relationship should probably have - it's not a work night or anything like that, just a relaxed social group. Or it might be that he has a flirtation going which I might ruin by showing up. Or it might be that I am paranoid and imagining the vibes of not wanting me there

but I don't think I am.

Thank you again for your input, everyone. I think the thread is starting to run in circles somewhat at this stage. I get what people are saying about the onus being on him to be firm and not entertain flirtations but this is really one of the gray areas in life where when the drink is flowing and people are chatting, it's a hair's breadth between innocent chat and getting a bit too close for a girlfriend's liking, and it would be weird for a couple to be stuck to each other's side for the night to fend off unwanted advances so I certainly don't think it's realistic to expect him to stand beside me and let people know he's with me on a night out - sometimes he does just that because he wants to be close to me in that moment, and sometimes he doesn't, and can be found at the end of the bar chatting with people. You know, just normal pub behaviour.

What I suspect is happening with some girls, though, girls like LOLA08, is more worrying to me, like I said, because there I feel he is actively courting romantic attention and that's not fair on anyone. But again, I just find it very difficult to formulate a verbal response to that, which wouldn't make me sound like a paranoid wreck: "Hey, OH, how come Xy didn't know you had a girlfriend?" "Um, I don't know, it never came up?"

loulou, don't worry, I will make this thread my personal bible in the coming weeks

there is a lot for me to digest and think about.

kippy and all the rest of the posters who warned me about possibly imminent or possibly ongoing cheating, thank you. I take your posts as the confirmation that my train of thought in these circumstances is at least somewhat normal.

No one else is in my exact shoes, no one else knows as much as I do, how good and supported I feel in this relationship most of the time. Also, no one else will suffer as much as I will if my boyfriend turns out to be a lying, cheating so-and-so. For the moment, and for all the talk of the honeymoon period and what it should feel like, I choose to sit on the plus end of the spectrum, while keeping an eye on the debit side, as I honestly feel that is the most sensible option for me right now.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 4:08pm

@ Tasden:

You have no idea just how happy it would make me if I were my own biggest problem and needed to sort out my insecurity and jealousy issues, while in reality I had a treasure of a gorgeous-looking boyfriend who never consciously or willingly led anyone on, or sought out women's attention! Then my world would be perfect indeed.

Needless to say, I will cherish your post, and time will tell more, as it always does in the end. Thank you.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 4:14pm

Caramay has already asked it but I'll ask it again because your main question seems to have been overlooked.

Why does he not want you to to this event with him? You seem to not want to go because you feel you would be cramping his style somewhat and getting in the way of all his flirting with other women.

That is just weird. You are his girlfriend and he should be happy to have you there. Why should you even have to think that you are getting in the way of his chatting other people up? That should not even be an issue that you have to consider.

Why are you so afraid of appearing "jealous"? Going to an event with your boyfriend does not make you a jealous possessive partner, it's a pretty normal thing to do. I don't know anybody in a relationship who would think, "no I won't go because I know my partner doesn't want me there because they want to chat up other people, and I would just look jealous and possessive if I went".

That is just a bizarre way of looking at things.

By saying stuff like that you remind me a little bit of "Cool Girl" version of Amy in the book Gone Girl. Now obviously not exactly like her because that would be extreme, won't post a spoiler

, but a tiny bit in the way that you seem so eager to be the cool, laidback, never jealous, girlfriend who he can just have just have great fun with, great sex with, great time with, act how he wants with no drama from you because you're such a great cool girlfriend.

There would be nothing wrong with this if it was true, but the fact is it is not true. You ARE bothered by his flirting. Bothered enough to talk about it with your friends that you mentioned, bothered enough to start a thread discussing it, bothered enough to start thinking of social events as "tactical" decisions, but yet despite being this bothered you won't speak to him about how you feel because you don't want to appear "jealous".

You have to get that fear out of your head. You could have described behavior here where most people would have said "yes you are being jealous and possessive and need to cut it out". But what you have described does not paint you as a jealous person, everyone has agreed that your boyfriend is crossing the line with his behavior and that your concerns ARE valid. You are not being unreasonable or possessive to get upset about your boyfriend letting other women hang out of him, or him chatting up other people to the extent that he is ignoring you or making them think he's single.

If he's as nice a guy as you think then he should have no problem with you telling him at what point his flirting begins to upset you, so that he knows not to cross that line.
You need to start being honest with yourself and your boyfriend, otherwise you will eventually just build up bitterness towards him over the way he behaves and probably start doubting yourself as well or start feeling guilty about feeling insecure around his behavior.

It's ok to not be happy about some aspect of your partner's behavior and to discuss it with them.

You need to think of your own feelings too and not just other people's.

Big Bag of Chips · 30-09-2014 4:23pm

autumnal_ruminations wrote: »

.... it would be weird for a couple to be stuck to each other's side for the night to fend off unwanted advances so I certainly don't think it's realistic to expect him to stand beside me and let people know he's with me on a night out

I don't mean that he literally has to stand beside you all night so that people know he's with you. I mean he should figuratively "stand" with you, as in, if you are both out together and someone comes chatting him up, that he should make it clear to them that he has a gf... Who happens to be watching!

Maybe that's part of the thrill for him? Maybe he likes showing you how desirable he is and how quickly you could lose him if you don't stay on your toes?

Look, whatever his motivation, whatever your reading/misreading of the situation the fact remains there is 1 huge big issue in your relationship and you are either not willing or afraid to mention it. You basically think he doesn't really want you out with him. Not my idea of a happy relationship, but if you're happy to wait and see, then that is completely your choice.

I hope it doesn't end in tears for you.

cactusgal · 30-09-2014 4:25pm

I am a flirty person. I love male attention. I admit it!

But.

I now have a boyfriend who I absolutely adore and love to bits. So I don't flirt anymore. I don't need to. I've got all the male attention I need (just his), but more importantly, I would never act in a way around other men that might be perceived as inappropriate, because I'm in love with my boyfriend and I respect him.

And I would NEVER in a million years flirt with other guys in front of him, or let guys get flirty with me. I'd absolutely hate for him to feel in any way concerned about my behavior or feel jealous.

I wouldn't expect any less from a romantic partner, and neither should you.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 4:49pm

Thank you, Gone Girl, a very wise post and it cuts close to the bone. (I answered CaraMay's question as best I could since, see above.)

Your last few paragraphs is what I feel I should be doing, and I feel I am slowly clearing my head and making my way toward voicing my fears and concerns to him.

@ BBoC: yes actually, you may have something there with one of the thrills (not the only thrill) for him being the fact that I will watch, time and again, the evidence of how desirable he is, and it also cuts both ways for him; I usually get some attention myself on a night out, and he has been quick enough to notice it every time. At this stage, a slight dissection of who flirted with us both on a night out, takes place almost every time after one, all in the name of banter though. I feel he is massively insecure (I know, pot-kettle...), and I also feel he would rather be strung up upside down by his family jewels than admit to it. I am always very transparent when the topic comes up, and I literally relay to him the whole convo of a fella trying to chat me up and me pointing out I have a boyfriend, lest I come across to him as being too flirty* or dodgy in my conduct. Alas, he doesn't return the favour...

* Funny, I just remembered when we were starting out, there was an evening when he did say to me "You flirt too much". LOL the irony. Projection or what?

LOLA08 · 30-09-2014 5:02pm

how long are you going out with him?
and how did you meet?

why I ask is just when you met was he really flirty with you to

CaraMay · 30-09-2014 5:13pm

Op I'm trying to get my head around all of this and just can't figure out why you are staying in a relationship in which you don't want to go out for a night just in case you cramp your bf's style.

As others have said, you have valid reasons for concern here and while this issue may only occur a small % of the time, it's a huge issue as you can't relax in the relationship. As I said at the start, with all the analyzing, assessing, thinking, fretting and worrying, you can't relax. What's the point being with someone who is so immature, even in his 30's, that he needs this level of ego boost. It's not normal.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 5:19pm

LOLA08 wrote: »

how long are you going out with him?
and how did you meet?

why I ask is just when you met was he really flirty with you to

Around 6 months going out. We met in a pub.

Hm. He wasn't actually very flirty, no, and actually the one big giveaway that he was interested in me was that he just kept looking at me in silence all the time, really not very socially aware-like at all. And then rather suddenly he gave me a big and very direct (not in the least vulgar or anything, just pretty direct) compliment, which I returned, and that started things rolling, so to speak.

What do you make of that, LOLA08?

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 5:26pm

I know CaraMay, you speak reason.

But I have some feelings for this fella now, so... it's tough. I'm not going to break up with him over this issue alone, even though the situation is far from ideal.

That's all I can say to your post really. Wish me luck.

kippy · 30-09-2014 5:34pm

autumnal_ruminations wrote: »

Around 6 months going out. We met in a pub.

Hm. He wasn't actually very flirty, no, and actually the one big giveaway that he was interested in me was that he just kept looking at me in silence all the time, really not very socially aware-like at all. And then rather suddenly he gave me a big and very direct (not in the least vulgar or anything, just pretty direct) compliment, which I returned, and that started things rolling, so to speak.

What do you make of that, LOLA08?

OP,
Being honest and unfortunately blunt, I believe you are already in the stage where nothing anyone can say will sway your ultimate opinion of this guy.
You've displayed some of the classic signs that you are "locked and loaded" so-to-speak for him and whatever he does you are willing and able to let it slide, no matter how it might seem to those on the outside. I have seen it many times before. I hate bringing age into it but it's usually displayed by those in their thirties perhaps feeling they are running out of options, and sometimes by those low on a bit of self confidence.
I've seen it time and time again, usually with good friends on the wrong end of it, of late. Letting the partner off with murder, even "breaking up" and getting back again with no change in behaviour. If friends try and sit them down for a talk about the hard truth they get pushed aside and invariably the friendship breaks down, playing more into the hands of the partner who is causing the problems.

From the facts you have presented and without knowing either of you at all, I don't believe this relationship will go the long run or end well. I hope I am wrong.

To make sure I am wrong you need to absolutely sit him down and tell him how you feel and indeed ask him to change his "style" so to speak. The result of that conversation will say a lot about his commitment to you and his actions a few months down the line will say even more.

My last comments on the topic and apologies if they may seem overly harsh.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 5:42pm

Tbh, that whole thing of "post-mortems of who got flirted with" is really wierd. Its almost competitive.

"Hey, Damo flirted the arse off with me! Saddo!" "Oh yeah? Well, Sharon had the tongue hanging out for ME! Hawhawhaw!"

Its not particularly funny. Its really strange, as interaction goes in a relationship.

What it does, is it reiterates the subtext "Other people want me and don't you forget it". But its cloaked in banter so you can pretend its just a bit of crack.

Subconsciously you know its dangerous - which is why you fall over yourself to impress upon him that the flirting you get is completely non-threatening to your loyalty to him.

But as you say, he doesn't return the favour - he lets the subtext hang in the air.

I think you need to set out your stall. Be candid. Go out with him and tell him in the taxi "No flirting tonight ok? It makes me feel like ****". If he protests (as he will) that its harmless, just ask him if he wants you to feel like ****? And if so....flirt away Sunshine! You can find someone who doesn't need to flirt with randomers when they have a girlfriend.

Hopefully that'll put a halt to his gallop.

yermandan · 30-09-2014 5:44pm

It's really obvious that you are incompatible OP. I wonder what this dude would do if the roles were reversed.

It honestly sounds so exhausting for you, the exact opposite of what a healthy relationship should feel like.

Best of luck

Tasden · 30-09-2014 5:54pm

yermandan wrote: »

It's really obvious that you are incompatible OP. I wonder what this dude would do if the roles were reversed.

It honestly sounds so exhausting for you, the exact opposite of what a healthy relationship should feel like.

Best of luck

Tbh I was just about to say the same thing.

Put it this way:
You're either over thinking things and are insecure in the relationship, which at 6 months is kind of saying you're not going to be compatible because you have different personalities, or he's not doing anything to ease your concerns/doesn't want to change/whatever else.

OR

Your concerns are valid and he is untrustworthy. In which case it should end obviously.

Unless you sit him down and say "listen the flirting makes me uneasy cause personally I feel it needs to be toned down" and go from there. Its not an issue that's gonna resolve itself anyway.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 6:01pm

@ kippy

That's fine, not overly harsh at all - I am locked and loaded as you say, I admit it. I really like this guy, I'm attracted to him, I like spending time with him and I like how he makes me feel outside this issue. May be age related or down to low confidence as well

I may need some counselling!

As for friends, I don't have many friends but the ones I do have, have my best interests at heart and the opinions polled there have been very varied, from "I couldn't be in such a relationship" via puzzlement and not much constructive feedback, to "You're really really overreacting, it's only flirting, so what".

I also conceded that the outlook may be bleak already. So at least give me that I am not in this now with my eyes completely closed to that.

If he did cheat on me, I believe that my feelings for him would change automatically. The reason I can't say for sure is that I have somehow managed so far to escape being cheated on (or knowing about it, at any rate) in relationships so it would be a completely new experience for me, but I can't really see myself burying my head in the sand about it somehow. The relationship would be tainted from that point on, and I don't think either of us would want to be in it any more. Hopefully so.

dellas1979 · 30-09-2014 7:21pm

autumnal_ruminations wrote: »

I've met girls who were googly-eyed over him and completely unaware up to the point of meeting me, that he had a girlfriend) and they are more worrying for me, definitely. He strings girls along

Eh? Girls who are more than likely single. Who your boyfriend flirts with...sorry strings along, are worrying for you?

This is turning into "missile seek women". Has to be their fault or something. "Target next woman".

Sorry, but no matter how this is working out in your brain (locked and loaded as another poster said), please do not blame single women for his behaviour.

They are not the ones in a relationship. He is. If it is making you uncomfortable, its ok - doesnt mean there is something wrong with you. Its just overstepping your boundaries of what you expect. But nor have you told him really either how it makes you feel.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 7:36pm

dellas1979 wrote: »

Eh? Girls who are more than likely single. Who your boyfriend flirts with...sorry strings along, are worrying for you?

This is turning into "missile seek women". Has to be their fault or something. "Target next woman".

Sorry, but no matter how this is working out in your brain (locked and loaded as another poster said), please do not blame single women for his behaviour.

They are not the ones in a relationship. He is. If it is making you uncomfortable, its ok - doesnt mean there is something wrong with you. Its just overstepping your boundaries of what you expect. But nor have you told him really either how it makes you feel.

Sorry dellas, crossed wires there, honestly. I put no blame on those girls more than I would put it on LOLA08 there for falling for a guy who is attached but failed to inform her of the fact and courted her attention all the same. I meant to say that I find those instances of his behaviour more worrying than those where there is a woman throwing herself at him right in front of me. That's all I meant.

daisybelle2008 · 30-09-2014 7:44pm

OP, you are losing sight of yourself. It's harder work than you think willing him to change his behaviour, suppressing your feelings and policing other women, while putting on your game face. If you need him to change who he is before you can relax and enjoy the relationship, maybe he is not for you. Wouldn't it be better to be with someone you are relaxed around and don't need to change. You seem like a really lovely person, this isn't bringing out the best in you.

CaraMay · 30-09-2014 7:56pm

autumnal_ruminations wrote: »

I know CaraMay, you speak reason.

But I have some feelings for this fella now, so... it's tough. I'm not going to break up with him over this issue alone, even though the situation is far from ideal.

That's all I can say to your post really. Wish me luck.

I do wish you luck. Just keep your wits about you and maintain self respect.

Greenduck · 01-10-2014 3:11pm

He sounds like a decent guy OP and you seem to get on well. I would however advise you to listen to your gut on this one...try not to intellectualise and rationalise, just be honest with yourself. If this is an issue for you, it might be an idea to flag it now rather than later. Leaving it be might only insinuate that you have no problem with how he behaves?

It sounds to me like he is insecure himself and constantly needs the approval (both generally and sexually) of other people. This is not your problem per say but something he might not be aware of so tread carefully if you do approach the subject.

There's also the black and white of it. He's a very attractive man and will possibly always get attention from the opposite sex. It's up to you how to handle this i.e. get jealous, insecure etc or be proud that he has chosen you to be his partner.

Yurt2 · 01-10-2014 7:41pm

Greenduck wrote: »

He sounds like a decent guy OP and you seem to get on well. I would however advise you to listen to your gut on this one...try not to intellectualise and rationalise, just be honest with yourself. If this is an issue for you, it might be an idea to flag it now rather than later. Leaving it be might only insinuate that you have no problem with how he behaves?

It sounds to me like he is insecure himself and constantly needs the approval (both generally and sexually) of other people. This is not your problem per say but something he might not be aware of so tread carefully if you do approach the subject.

There's also the black and white of it. He's a very attractive man and will possibly always get attention from the opposite sex. It's up to you how to handle this i.e. get jealous, insecure etc or be proud that he has chosen you to be his partner.

Gotta disagree. A person who constantly seeks(this is the key word, he doesn't rebuff female overtures or avoid them) sexual attention is exactly the wrong type of person to be in a relationship with. They can be that person all they want, but they shouldn't drag someone into their crappy world of winks and nods and non verbal maybes. Sooner or later he'll be on a night out, will have just the right amount of drink on him, thinks he wont get caught, will be playing the 'are you available to me' 'flirty' game, and will go ahead and take what he wants. It's a story as old as time.

The OP needs to confront the behavior and tell him how it makes her feel (small). My gut says he wont make any attempt to change, but maybe he will.

MistyCheese · 01-10-2014 10:01pm

OP it sounds like you are trying to force yourself to be okay with this part of your boyfriend. You won't be able to keep that up forever and you shouldn't have to.

Flirty OH

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