Emotional abuse or am I in the wrong?

LegacyUser · 29-09-2014 2:04am #1

Myself and my husband have been married for a very long time and he has always been a bit difficult to live with, he has pushed me around once or twice (but I can be very nagging and annoying) and on one occasion he has pushed our 19 year old daughter. However, we recently had a second child and since I became pregnant with him I think my husband's behaviour towards me has deteriorated, although he keeps telling me I'm mad and have post-natal depression so I'm not sure.

We own a business together and up until the end of June I was working also, but I was employed only as a substitute teacher and so will not have any work to go back to after I finish my maternity leave in January. As regards the business I would love to be involved and give a hand but my husband works most of the time at it himself and has a girl employed for the days he takes off and refuses point blank to let me have any involvement whatsoever. If I offer to go and clean up the premises he says 'leave it alone, you're grand' and gets very narky with me or if I offer to help out on a busy night he says 'stay where you are, myself and x can handle it.' Even when it comes to decisions about the business he says 'we' will do this or that meaning himself and the girl working for us. I have absolutely nothing against the girl but I feel I'm being completely excluded from my own business. Am I over-reacting to the situation?

Then when it comes to money there is a problem also...he will give me whatever amount of money I want and he will never say no no matter how much I need. However, he does often make comments about the money he gives me (most of which I spend on our baby son). A few weeks ago he knew I was very upset when school started up again and I was for the first time in ages without a job or income of my own. The very day I told him I was upset he said to me during an argument before he went to work 'you've f**k all to do other than sit on your arse and get money handed to you.' He knew that would really upset and belittle me but still said it.....

He will also completely deny that he has said hurtful things to me, for example he will say 'you're no good at dealing with customers so you should stay away' and then two minutes later if myself or our daughter confront him and say why did you say such a hurtful thing he will say I never said that.

A few weeks ago we had a particularly bad incident...he was working late at night but I needed to be at the school I used to work in at 9 am the following morning as some students had asked me to view exam papers with them. When he came home I asked him to look after our little boy the following morning while I was at school and he said he didn't have time as he had to go to work and was actually getting paid for what he was doing and that someone had to make money. I was very upset as I only wanted an hour or two to view papers with students I had taught all year. Anyway things escalated and he pushed me around a bit, I phoned for an ambulance and eventually the ambulance and guards arrived. He managed to convince the ambulance staff, the guards and I think even my brother and daughter that I was suffering from post-natal depression and I think he had me almost convinced too. I was doing my best to deal with what I though was depression, I visited my gp (with him) etc...

Things improved for a small while but he was still refusing to let me have any involvement with the business etc and today there was another huge argument and he said that the guards I called that night were only laughing at me...but when I confronted him about what he had said later when our daughter and my sister were present he denied ever saying such a thing.

I've written so much and reading it now I feel completely sad, I love him but I have lost the person that I was and I'm still not sure if it is because of him or because I'm over-reacting to everything and should 'calm down' as he says....

I'de be grateful for any advice

jopax · 29-09-2014 7:43am

It definitely sounds like emotional abuse, the fact that you are at home without any income of your own makes you very vulnerable to his moods.
It sounds like you are doubting your own sanity because of his behavior and innuendos.
You need professional help for yourself to try to make sense of what is going on.
Go and see your gp, but go on your own and explain what is happening at home.
Maybe your gp could refer for some counseling, but please do this alone.
Try to stay strong for your children, and get help for your sake and theirs.
Things will get better when you get the help and support you need, believe in yourself and put your husband's feelings and opinions to one side, he is not your priority now, you are.
I wish you the best, mind yourself.

shalalala · 29-09-2014 10:17am

To me it sounds like emotional abuse, but it could take some proving to prove it.

If I were you I would write everything down, every day. How you are feeling, how he treats you, everything.

I would go to counselling to get a diagnosis on whether or not you have post natal depression, there is no point in guessing.

I would also make sure I know what is going on in the business. You don't want him to be trying to take you out of it incase he or you leaves and he can say that it is all his.

You need to do everything on your own, I have a feeling that he is a control freak and you have to be careful, he seems to be manipulating you and the people around you.

LegacyUser · 29-09-2014 10:27am

If he has been like this since as long as you have known him I'm at a loss to understand how you could have had a second kid with him especially since there is quiet a big age gap between the baby and your daughter. You've brought your son into an unstable environment which is not good for either of you. Have you considered marriage counselling or even separating? I feel really sorry for your kids in all this.

Neyite · 29-09-2014 2:03pm

So its ok to be physically abusive to a woman provided she appears to have PND? Riiiight. He is lying to you - your family, the gardai and the paramedics likely saw the situation for what it was - a vunerable post-natal woman and a bully that she was afraid of. Your family are probably waiting for you to come to them for help. I know mine was for months, but they knew if they intervened before I was ready, I probably wouldnt have listend and secondly they may have been putting me in more danger.

OP, you have so far described emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse and gaslighting. Please contact Womens Aid and talk to someone.

Potatoeman · 29-09-2014 3:24pm

Why did you phone an ambulance? Were you injured? I think they would take a very dim view of this as its wasting emergancy paramedics time. This sound like a police matter only. Im baffled why you would want to spend more time with him if you are fighting and Im pretty sure customers wont want to be exposed to that either.

Big Bag of Chips · 29-09-2014 3:44pm

Posters are reminded they are posting in an advice forum. The issues dealt with in this forum are very personal to the OPs involved. Asking an abused and scared woman why she contacted any branch of the emergency services is not on. Neither is blaming her for having a baby. Her husband is equally as responsible as she is for having children.

If you cannot bear in mind who you are speaking to when you offer "advice", then we respectfully ask that posters just refrain from replying. The woman has come here for help, not judgement.

Flippyfloppy · 29-09-2014 11:44pm

This sounds horrible op. You really would be better off without him. I hope you contact woman's aid and take steps to leave him. He sounds like a complete creep. You should get your shares of the company back, what's this about not being allowed an input in it or a salary from it?!

Emotional abuse or am I in the wrong?

Comments