Change..

Tasmin90 · 05-02-2015 8:47pm #1

Ive separated from my ex husband a few years now. We have 3 children together and at the moment he's paying (PAYE worker) 30% of his salary over to me to cover mortgage and maintenance. I was the loyal dutiful wife, at home raring the kids. He was leading two lives. one with us and another as a separated man with a girlfriend and a life on the other side of the city. It soon became apparent that this guy that I married and consiously choose to be the father of my children was the bottom of the barrel. A liar, a cheat and worst of all, a coward.

So, time has moved on. Ive moved on. Not to another relationship. Im free, and it feel soo good. Sometimes, not all the time but sometimes I am really happy! Even with the pressures of being a single mum, money worries. I feel freedom like I haven't felt in years. Freedom from the lies the deceit. Well, what I can say is that it feels liberating. I wake up to my lovely kids and i think how blessed I am to have them.

I do believe that theres loads of potential partners out there for me (for all of us) a man who is kind, caring, strong and brave.
I still continue to believe that such men do exist.
I see them bringing their kids to school, at the playground. Also, loving supportive husbands that my good friends are married to.

I am now feeling frustrated and really let down by the legal system which it seems works on the premise that people will do the right thing. Yes if I'm in the legal system I will do what Ive been ordered by the court to do. I provide documentation and vouch for it. Im an honest to goodness kinda gal. however the ex husband which I'm dealing with is not so. he is unscrupulous and will lie to get the outcome he wants.

Im disillusioned with this country which appears to allow cowards to get away with performing part time parenting and paying too little for the raring of their children. Im living on the breadline, I clam up when I look into the fridge because I don't have the money to go to the supermarket to buy food. I don't have the money to pay my bills.

I want to leave this person who i am no longer married to (emotionally not legally) behind me. I appears that he's not struggling to pay the bills. He leads a luxurious lifestyle.
Im embarrassed that i married a person who was bottom of the barrel and i neglected to see the real self centred person who lay beneath the facade. however Im more embarrassed and bewildered to live in a country that enables his childish, irresponsible and self centred behaviour. behaviour where parents put their own financial needs ahead of their children and that is accepted. Is it right that the primary carer is left to shoulder the bulk of the responsibility for the children.

Ive asked my solicitor how do these people get away with it. she answered its the law. I wonder if we all stood up, men and women, parents. If we stood up for our children who are neglected financially by their parent. Would we be able to change things?

What do you think.

desbrook · 05-02-2015 11:18pm

Are you living in the family home? What proportion of the mortgage is he paying?

Dial Hard · 11-02-2015 4:55pm

Tasmin90 wrote: »

Is it right that the primary carer is left to shoulder the bulk of the responsibility for the children.

Ive asked my solicitor how do these people get away with it. she answered its the law. I wonder if we all stood up, men and women, parents. If we stood up for our children who are neglected financially by their parent. Would we be able to change things?

What do you think.

That's what makes them the primary carer.

I'm not really sure what your post is asking, tbh? If you're on the breadline then you either need to ask for an adjustment on the maintenance or get a job. And if your current child-minding circumstances don't allow that, then you need to get an adjustment on the access too.

DUB0207-old · 11-02-2015 8:34pm

3yrs you are still bitter about the situation while he enjoys his life. He works for his money, if he can afford holidays, an expensive lifestyle good for him! He's not doing anything illegal.

You are lucky you have a roof over your head and does nothing to contribute to it. So many women are left with young children have to work for a living (like normal people do) and pay rent, bills, childcare when there's no family around...

I am sorry to say but life is not a fairytale. Don't be kidding yourself thinking there's a great men out there waiting for you with open hands...

You are living in cucoland thinking somebody else will come over and take the burden of a woman with 3yo who does nothing but expect the ex to pay for the sun, the moon and the starts - I reckon even if he provided u with the same lifestyle he has atm you would not be happy... u want to see him miserable for the pain he caused you - fair enough, its understandable, we all go through different stages in life and its hard to get over a break up but c'mon, 36 months is a very long time. COP ON!

Macker2001 · 11-02-2015 8:46pm

DUB0207 wrote: »

3yrs you are still bitter about the situation while he enjoys his life. He works for his money, if he can afford holidays, an expensive lifestyle good for him! He's not doing anything illegal.

You are lucky you have a roof over your head and does nothing to contribute to it. So many women are left with young children have to work for a living (like normal people do) and pay rent, bills, childcare when there's no family around...

I am sorry to say but life is not a fairytale. Don't be kidding yourself thinking there's a great men out there waiting for you with open hands...

You are living in cucoland thinking somebody else will come over and take the burden of a woman with 3yo who does nothing but expect the ex to pay for the sun, the moon and the starts - I reckon even if he provided u with the same lifestyle he has atm you would not be happy... u want to see him miserable for the pain he caused you - fair enough, its understandable, we all go through different stages in life and its hard to get over a break up but c'mon, 36 months is a very long time. COP ON!

What a horrible thing to say that he works for his money. She could probably have a career too and afford a luxurious lifestyle but guess what?? they have 3 children together...... You're right though about one thing so many women here left with children. Why is it ok for the dad to progress in his career while the mom is limited to looking after their children trying to raise them by herself even though they were supposed to be in it together.

DUB0207-old · 11-02-2015 8:58pm

I dont live with my heads on the clouds... my feet are cemented on the ground!

Have as many children as you want and you can support on your own, is that simple!

He is still around, giving 30% of his hard working money away, paying rent elsewhere and mortgage (I am aware the 'family' home can't be sold until the minor child reaches 18). What would she do if he was deceased?!

She is lucky for having somebody who can pay his way and keep what she calls a luxurious lifestyle.

No one would come here and call her heartless if he was on min age, living on a bed sit or box room with a couple strangers while the 'madam' enjoys the house he pays for!

I have 0 simpathy for women who choose to be at home. While the children are in school she can/could well attend a part time course, take online classes and have a career but... her choice, his mistake having an affair, no our business really.

Macker2001 · 11-02-2015 9:14pm

DUB0207 wrote: »

I dont live with my heads on the clouds... my feet are cemented on the ground!

Have as many children as you want and you can support on your own, is that simple!

He is still around, giving 30% of his hard working money away, paying rent elsewhere and mortgage (I am aware the 'family' home can't be sold until the minor child reaches 18). What would she do if he was deceased?!

She is lucky for having somebody who can pay his way and keep what she calls a luxurious lifestyle.

No one would come here and call her heartless if he was on min age, living on a bed sit or box room with a couple strangers while the 'madam' enjoys the house he pays for!

I have 0 simpathy for women who choose to be at home. While the children are in school she can/could well attend a part time course, take online classes and have a career but... her choice, his mistake having an affair, no our business really.

What are you talking about?? A married couple should have a child based on if they separate so support two lifestyles is that what you're saying.
How do you know it's her choice to be at home? Am I missing another post

LegacyUser · 11-02-2015 10:03pm

OP: I agree that its about time to move on...

Why don't you try a beauty course? A field where you can easily work PT (even from home) and still spend time with the children.

You are technically unemployed... There are plenty free courses through skillsnet, you must qualify for one... Google it!

Taltos · 11-02-2015 10:56pm

Mod note:
Macker2001 & DUB0207 please tone it down a bit. This isn't a discussion forum, and irrespective opinions are welcome.

OP please clarify what specific advice you require on your separation or divorce.
Per our charter
The Separation and Divorce forum is a place to come and get some civil, mature, constructive and non-judgemental emotional and practical advice and support on the issues and challenges encountered encountered while going through a separation and/or a divorce, perhaps from those going through similar.

Change..

Comments