Am I overreacting to partners drinking?

LegacyUser · 21-10-2014 9:53am #1

My wife is a great mother, works hard and does all good things for the family.

So maybe I'm overreacting to her drinking but one thing is perfectly clear; I have a problem with my wife’s drinking. When she drinks, I get angry.

During social events recently I feel she goes overboard I don't know if its tiredness, speed or quantity of drink but shes always a good few steps ahead of everyone else in the group, enough talking louder than most, saying inappropriate things and becoming the center of attention for the wrong reasons and if there's any trouble or arguments its 100% guaranteed shes stuck in the middle.

I begin getting uncomfortable while I wait to see what she'll do next. I become really embarrassed and want to escape.
Her friends seem to egg her on and tell her how fun she is but I feel its a set up for her to act more outrageously for their entertainment until it goes to far. Often she begins to get looks from every direction.
The next day it’s very hard to pin point her behaviour to her without sounding petty?
For example this weekend went to tiny old man county pub for a relatives birthday she was wired, up dancing like a lunatic on her own, shouting at the band, sat away with a group of young fellas when I told her to calm down and stop embarrassing me, she made several public rude gestures at me from across the room after that but generally standing out from the crowd! Pub is my relatives local and I was mortified we arrived at half ten had including waited for taxi had left by 12.15.My relatives didn't say anything to me apart from why is she over there or what is she at? They didn't really judge her but I could see they were uncomfortable with her behaviour.

We had massive argument over this and aren't really speaking but I want to sort this out but cant bring it up without sounding petty and being told its just who she is.
When I list the things I think she did she'll minimize them by saying its no big deal and rationalise the behaviour.

What's worse is her friends will back her up cause I know she can tell the story as if she was just innocently having a good time chatting and dancing and that I was just in bad form and told her to stop embarrassing me like I wanted her to sit in the corner and be seen and not heard! So am I the bad guy?

This time she is really upset and has cried alot since the weekend because I dont love the real her anymore! She was always a bit of a wild thing which I loved about her and maybe I was too but now its really getting to me now we don't be out as much but now when we do go out its an issue?

Magicmatilda · 21-10-2014 11:50am

I think if this is an ongoing problem rather than just one night then she needs to take it seriousely.

I would highlight that you do love her and that is the reason you want to sort this out rather than just walk away but that this is a recurrent behaviour of hers which causes pain and upset to you. She should not want to cause pain and upset to you.

Try and focus not on her behaviour but on how it makes you feel - "I feel embarassed when XXX happens" or "I feel hurt and disrespected by the gestures you made to me in full view of my family".

It may be that she feels embarassed and ashamed but rather than deal with that she turns it on you because that is easier. It is your responibility to yourself not to allow that.

It sounds like her behaviour was inappropriate for the setting, maybe using that. So its not the dancing or loudness that is the problem but rather it is this behaviour in an old man's pub.

I hope you can get her to discuss the issue because it sounds like she is just shutting it down rather than dealing with it.

LegacyUser · 21-10-2014 12:52pm

Hi OP,

No I don't think that you are over reacting. When you say your wife was always a mad thing, was this only when she drank or was she extroverted even while sober?

People's problems with alcohol can manifest in many different ways & it could be that she doesn't have that stop button when she starts drinking. Or she is drinking something that doesn't suit her i.e. alcopops are far too easy to drink quickly, or wine to me is a complete no no unless it's with dinner.

You're right in talking to her and explaining how it makes you feel but I am speaking from experience when I say that she is an adult & a real change in her behaviour will only happen when she admits herself that there is a problem. Chances are that she already knows this & is becoming defensive because admitting it is scary.

All I can say is look after yourself OP, perhaps try & focus your social lives around situations that don't have to involve alcohol. Keep speaking to her without trying to tell her what to do & hopefully when she can admit there is a problem to be worked on, you will be able to work through it together

JeffKenna · 21-10-2014 1:35pm

Have to say if I were in your situation I would be quite annoyed. You mentioned that its hard to pin point her behaviour the next day without sounding petty but I cant understand your view when she was making rude gestures towards you and sitting with a group of lads in front of you. That's highly disrespectful to you and the fact her friends see no problem with this behaviour I find really baffling.

Lux23 · 21-10-2014 2:00pm

The next morning is probably not the right time to broach the subject, she may have the fear and a bit of a hangover so you annoying her about her behaviour the next day is a waste of time. Maybe take it up with her a couple of days later when you're sitting down to watch the TV and drop it into the conversation more casually.

Now what I am going to say next is probably a little unfair to you OP, but do you think your wife could be bored? Maybe when she has a drink she just takes the change to be a little wild. I know I can be like that when I have a stressful or really boring week, two glasses of wine and I am wired to the moon. Maybe you need to consider what else is going on in your lives that could explain here behaviour.

miamee · 21-10-2014 3:11pm

It sounds like she can't tell the difference between when is an "appropriate" time to let the hair down and when is not. Country pub with the in-laws is not really the time to act like you're at a wild party, is it? Usually as we get older, you learn to act according to your situation without having to think about it too much but she still can't tell the difference by the sounds of things.

As someone else has mentioned, the morning after the night before is probably not the time to have the conversation but maybe before you go out the next time discuss it before hand?

By the way, of course her friends are egging her on, she has been their source of entertainment on nights out for goodness knows how long and they don't want that to end. They are looking at it like 'Ah Mary, she's a mad b**ch!! Life and soul of the party, great craic!' etc. They are used to her and don't expect anything less.

LegacyUser · 21-10-2014 4:24pm

She said she doesn’t feel in the wrong, embarrassed or ashamed. She feels totally disrespected (exact words) that I thought she was out of order. She is very angry and upset and as am I so we’re still not really speaking.
What I really want help is trying to mention the things she did without her saying I’m just a dry Sh1te! She is a mad thing only when she drinks.

I can hear the responses to the issues mentioned now:
“Dancing around and having a good time is not a crime or embarrassing! Loosen up!
I only f**ked you off cause you said I embarrassed you!”
I sat with those lads to request a song or speak to band or hear the music better!
Its not my fault you only had couple pints!
We didn’t leave cause of me,they are just boring and wanted to go home”

She will say it’s her personality and who she is!
She has dismissed my concerns before and made me feel like I’m uptight & over sensitive who cares more about other people’s opinions.(In this case I do care about opinions as it’s my home area and my sibling’s regular pub.)

She repeated the whole argument in detail to my sibling plus my sibling’s date who she’s met roughly 4 times and been over the top 2 out of those times. Date doesn’t seem to care but she knew it would embarrass me more and to be honest I was totally ashamed.

Just to make clear sitting with that group of lads in front of me was not to make me jealous but more to annoy me it always gets into a sort of banter with others which generally seems to escalate into a verbal rough through her aggression!

Looking back I know I have distanced myself from her on nights out by standing away with others so what I don’t see/hear wont annoy me. So it’s not new behaviour as once in a while she would have a night were it went like this but I have no patience for it anymore.

I know 100% she does not believe there is a problem to be worked on. She has alcohol abuse in her immediate family and I know if I mentioned a problem with drink it would cut her to the bone because it’s the worst of the worst in her eyes as she’s suffered at the hands of it.
The fact her friends see no problem is like miamee said and its fuelling the fire in my eyes.
Shes always been a wild thing so obviously I’ve just become intolerant of this behaviour.
I will definitely ask her if she’s bored but dont see how-she has 3 separate social groups so in an average fortnightly period she has a night with each lined up then add a night with me and other couples (we rarely go out alone). She is capable of having a quiet few drinks too but I also don’t know how she behaves when I’m not out & about.

MagicMarker · 21-10-2014 4:38pm

How much is she actually drinking on these nights out?

LegacyUser · 21-10-2014 5:09pm

agteacht wrote: »

She is a mad thing only when she drinks.

She will say it’s her personality and who she is!

IMHO if she needs alcohol alcohol to become a mad thing, this is not who she is. The real her is the person without the alcohol. We all become a bit more relaxed with a couple on us, but we shouldn't completely change.

Outside of this issue do you feel that you work well as a couple?
Perhaps, as other boardsies have suggested, give this one some time to calm down. Get talking to each other again & then bring it up as a general concern about her health and drinking rather than lay blame on specific actions etc.

If you're bringing it up as concrete "you did this" while drunk she is probably taking it as an attack. And again, remember to look after yourself in all of this. It's not easy to be the partner of someone who drinks to excess

strandroad · 21-10-2014 5:24pm

Record her, on video. Have someone do it, so that it's not you filming. They can say that they are filming because her antics are so funny if asked, just make them take a good selection of clips.

There's a good chance she'll be mortified when she sees her drunken self in the flesh.

LegacyUser · 21-10-2014 7:14pm

MagicMarker wrote: »

How much is she actually drinking on these nights out?

Its not the quantity its the effect.
She dose not get shots or drink spirits or alcopops.
Pints or wine usually, put its definitely not a case of high consumption but it would be considered binge drinking.

I think apologise leave it and broker the subject at a later date as advised.
The further from the incidents though the more petty I feel in myself about the whole situation.

Barely There · 22-10-2014 8:18am

The main problem is not what she's doing on nights out.

Is that she's not listening to you and dismissing your concerns and feelings as unimportant.

You've tried to explain to her how her behaviour makes you feel and she's basically turning around and saying 'well, that's just because you're a dry****e'.

I think this is the issue you should focus on.

P. Breathnach · 22-10-2014 9:00am

She enjoys nights out in her way. You become miserable. Why go out to become miserable? Don't go with her to places where she might behave that way.

LegacyUser · 22-10-2014 10:29am

Hi have been in a LTR like this. The drinking got progressively worse. Her personality changed on nights out. She started drinking more during the week (and even in secret) She became intolerable when drunk. Over 20 years she went from being good company all the time, especially on nights out, to a living nightmare to be around. Angry, cross, bitter, resentful. When I asked her to stop she always said she could, but she didnt want to.
It became unbarable. We couldnt go out together without a blazing row starting. We stopped socialising together. All her friends thougth it was my fault too.
Our 30 year marriage ended a few years ago. I asked her to stop drinking and get help. She refused to acknowledge that she needed help. She left me and broke up our family, rather than giving up the drink. Thats shows how much she couldnt live without it.
She still refusses to believe she has a problem.

I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Your wife needs to speak to someone. What stands out to me is the way her personality changes with alcohol. It was the same for my ex wife. It ruined our lives.

midnight_train · 22-10-2014 11:37am

Lux23 wrote: »

Now what I am going to say next is probably a little unfair to you OP, but do you think your wife could be bored? Maybe when she has a drink she just takes the change to be a little wild. I know I can be like that when I have a stressful or really boring week, two glasses of wine and I am wired to the moon. Maybe you need to consider what else is going on in your lives that could explain here behaviour.

Lots of people feel bored from time to time. I know I do. Turning into an obnoxious a*%sehole while drinking on a night out isn't the way to deal with it, though. Especially if you're over the age of 16.

Magicmatilda · 22-10-2014 11:56am

agteaght wrote: »

Its not the quantity its the effect.
She dose not get shots or drink spirits or alcopops.
Pints or wine usually, put its definitely not a case of high consumption but it would be considered binge drinking.

I think apologise leave it and broker the subject at a later date as advised.
The further from the incidents though the more petty I feel in myself about the whole situation.

I don't see why you would apologise? All you have done is voice your feelings and there is nothing wrong in that and nothing to apologise for.

By apologise you are accepting her version that you have feelings is wrong, thet you voicing feelings is wrong and that your feelings are insignificant.

Big Bag of Chips · 22-10-2014 12:33pm

She was always a bit of a wild thing which I loved about her and maybe I was too but now its really getting to me now we don't be out as much but now when we do go out its an issue?

It's a difficult one, because from what you say above she has always been like this when you went out. And when you were together first, and younger, you actually loved it about her because it suited you, at that time. But now you are that bit older, nights out, for you at least, have taken a different turn. You've matured and prefer a more relaxed night. She hasn't gotten to the point.

She sounds exactly like my sister-in-law. This woman is in her mid 40s, and, to me, is an embarrassment! She has grown up children who are embarrassed by her, but all their friends think she's great craic! At our engagement party, which was held in our house, by the way, everyone sitting around, chatting, few drinks, bit of music - she was up practically giving lap dances to my parents, aunts, uncles etc! Everyone was laughing along but you could see how uncomfortable everyone was.

In her mind, she's having a laugh and everyone else are just dry-arses. But she fails to see that other people can enjoy themselves on a night out without having to do what she does! I've just stopped going to things that I know she'll be at, because to see her just looks sad... I suppose its nobody's business but her own, and I'm sure she doesn't care what any of us "dry-arses" think anyway, but what do you say when her 20 year old daughter is crying to you that her mother is "no mother"??

I guess what I'm trying to say is some people grow up and their drinking habits and behaviour mature with them. Some don't, and genuinely don't see a problem with it. If she's not embarrassed by her behaviour, (and my sister-in-law certainly isn't) then she will tell you that your embarrassment is your problem. She is the person you fell on love with... You're the one who has actually changed. But she's forgetting as we get older, more responsibilities etc we are supposed to change!

I don't know if you're going to get anywhere with this, to be honest. Whenever you bring it up she is going to get defensive. And she's right, she hasn't changed.... But she probably won't see that that is actually the problem.

jimmycrackcorm · 22-10-2014 1:49pm

mhge wrote:

Record her, on video. Have someone do it, so that it's not you filming. They can say that they are filming because her antics are so funny if asked, just make them take a good selection of clips.

mhge wrote:

There's a good chance she'll be mortified when she sees her drunken self in the flesh.

I was thinking the same thing, but as I read the OPs post it occurred to me that he could be 'conservative'. The friends seem to think she is the life and soul of the party. She may watch the video and insist he put it up on her Facebook page and probably get lots of likes....

Lux23 · 22-10-2014 2:46pm

midnight_train wrote: »

Lots of people feel bored from time to time. I know I do. Turning into an obnoxious a*%sehole while drinking on a night out isn't the way to deal with it, though. Especially if you're over the age of 16.

Or if you are Irish. I know many people, myself included, who self medicate with booze.

DukeOfTheSharp · 22-10-2014 4:02pm

I can't even imagine what it's like to be dealing with someone like that when you're married to them. Personally, I've never been so much ashamed of how people act while drunk, as much as how they change when they're drunk. I know more than a few people who act like that, and it's always the same: they start out alright, just a few drinks and everything was fine and grand. Then they steadily started drinking more consistently, and more quickly and acting out of character. It got so bad it ended up in more than a few physical altercations and fights in various relationships, people having really brutal rows about it and how terrible it made one party feel - though the other didn't seem to care. It got so bad that some even spent large sums of money over long distances just to get to a location where their drinking could be tolerated by others like them, and as such, validated.

Your wife may not consider it a problem, but she's dependent on alcohol for a good time, no matter how big or small the amount is, dependency on alcohol is never good. Also, the friends & family who're egging her on? They're not laughing with her, they're laughing at her. Classic enabler situation there; they want a show, so they find someone eager to please and eager to drink, and let her loose. Her need to act this way is incredibly concerning given the point she's at in her life. She clearly isn't getting help, but maybe having a video of her escapades might help her understand what's going on, and have people talk to her about how she makes them uncomfortable might help too. Your best bet is an intervention if the whole video-showing thing doesn't work.

strobe · 22-10-2014 4:30pm

So according to you don't go out often, she doesn't drink often, and when she drinks it's not to excess?

The incident in the pub she was dancing and cheering on the band and you told her she was an embarrassment.. ? I wouldn't want to sit with someone after they'd been that disrespectful to me either.

Yeah I think your massively over reacting. And people responding here are too. Mention alcohol (even if you then go on to quantify it as rarely and not to excess like you have) and people seem to lose all common sense sometimes.

Sounds like your wife just likes to let her hair down a bit on the odd nights she gets out and you sit there judging her and worrying about what people will think and insulting her.

I think you're being a gob****e to be honest and should focus more on the happiness and feelings of the woman who you say is a wonderful wife and mother and less on what old gossipy Mrs Jones from the pub will think of a woman dancing and cheering and talking loudly on a night out, if you could even imagine such brazen behaviour by a woman with children, has she no decorum!!

LegacyUser · 22-10-2014 5:21pm

Honestly Strobe i think you are trivialising the matter.

The OP said that his wife has 3 groups of friends & in an average fortnight she'll have a night out with each of them. 6 nights out in a month is a hell of a lot more than most parents get. I don't have kids, I enjoy a drink & a love a good night out but Christmas is probably the only time I would have 6 nights out in a month. So she is not "letting her hair down on the rare occasion that she gets out"

You also claim that she is not drinking to excess but the OP has said that she is always further on than any of the group. We all process alcohol differently so one person's quiet couple of drinks could be enough to get someone else really drunk. If it is affecting her in that it is making her quite drunk, then it is drinking to excess.

The fact is that he loves his wife & has a higher regard for her than the "friends" who egg her on as the group jester. He is not asking her to stop drinking, or stop having fun, but to perhaps match her behaviour to the social setting. A quiet old man pub is not the place to be up dancing alone like a lunatic. If the setting matched the behaviour I'm sure other people would have been up too.

We've all had our nights where we've had a few too many & I don't think there is anyone here who thinks a one off constitutes a drink problem. However, consistently being the drunkest person out does.

The problem is that we're so socially accepting of alcohol that we refuse to believe there is a problem until someone loses their family / job / home / becomes violent etc. and we are too ready to believe that non drinkers / low consumption drinkers are boring.

Teyla Emmagan · 23-10-2014 8:56am

I don't think you over over reacting at all OP. Your wife sounds like a pain on the backside when she drinks. And her friends, as someone else pointed out, just wind her up and let her go for their own amusement. Adults should know how to act appropriately when they are drinking. It doesn't sound like she knows how to. I don't think you should apologize at all. Instead I would tell her you don't want to socialize with her until she cops herself on.. The language and arguments and 'trouble' she gets caught up in would have me out of there like a shot. I can't stand those types of drinkers and would be mortified if my partner was one of them.

Am I overreacting to partners drinking?

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