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Get over affair?

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  • 23-10-2014 2:42pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My wife had an affair 12 years ago. She has always denied it to me, but I overheard her discuss it with a friend when she'd had a few drinks and simply forgot I was within earshot. The conversation served to confirm a strong suspicion at the time.

    At the time I did a lot of soul-searching and decided for the sake of our 2 year old child to stay and make it work.

    I love my wife.

    So we are still together, but I hurt every day for what she did, and I can't get over it. I sometimes think if she'd admit to me, and talk about it I could get closure. I know the "best advice" is to never admit it to your partner as it will only hurt them, but this is eating me.

    Is there anything I can do, or will the hurt pass in time (I can't see it passing now). I sometimes think I will wait until our child leaves home and drag it out into the open again and leave.


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    #2
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Hi OP,

    I think that the line of thinking behind the "never admit it to your partner as it will only hurt them" approach only works if the other person is unaware of the affair. For you that doesn't apply - you know about the affair, and have overheard your wife admitting to it to somebody else, and you can't unring that bell. It seems to have been eating you up for years, and is eating away at the relationship that you have with your wife.

    As to how to deal with it, I'd suggest that you need to stop with the pretence of not knowing. Sit down with your wife, reassure her that you love her and want to be with her, but that you know about the affair and that you overheard her discussing it with a friend, so it's not just a suspicion on your part. And that you need to talk about it so that you can both move past it, either between yourselves, or with a counsellor. Hopefully she will recognise that and work with you to rebuild your marriage. If she is unwilling to, then you may need to reassess whether you want to stay in the relationship.

    One final note on that - it's commendable that you want to stay together for the sake of your child, but in my opinion at least, children are better off with two happy parents who don't live under the same roof, than having one or both parents unhappy every day, living with them. IF this does turn out to be something you and your wife can't resolve, there's no shame in realising that and moving on separately with your life.


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    #3
    wakeboarding
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭wakeboarding


    I honestly think you need to confront her and tell her that you heard that conversation. Just be very honest and tell her what you heard snd ask her to be very honest with you. It's easier said than done but this is one of those conversations that you NEED to have. Best of luck.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I confronted her at the time, got a wall of denial, and when she was talking to her mate she was spouting to wind her up etc.

    The subject hasn't been broached in years, and I genuinely thought in time I'd get over it. I've tried to forgive though I can't forget. But it hurts as much as ever, all these years later.

    At the moment I can't see any benefit to leaving, I still love my wife, and the wounds will always (it seems) be there. I don't believe our child is aware or affected adversely as we never fight.

    I just wonder how I can move on mentally and put the past in the past.


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    #5
    Jenneke87
    Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    Perhaps playing the devils advocate, but if it was 12 years ago, do have any reason to believe that your wife may have continued with any other affairs or was this truely a one off? Is your love for her greater than the pain you feel over the affair. Since it happend so long ago, is it worth separating over, despite that she denies it. Truely she must know that inventing an affair to wind somebody up is a very unbelievable story?? Can you try talking to her once more and assure her that you won't leave(for now??) but that you need to know so you can move on and truely put it behind you. I wish you the best of luck.


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