Wedding Invite dilemma

nearzero · 15-08-2014 3:21pm #1

If you had verbally invited someone to your wedding but some time & a situation had passed that had altered your friendship, and you really didnt want to invite them now - would you simply not invite them when the official invite were sent out?

Has anyone ever done this before or had it done to them??

lazygal · 15-08-2014 3:42pm

I invited someone who, in between my engagement and wedding, wasn't really a friend any more. At the time I wanted to keep things smooth in our mutual circle of friends but in hindsight I wish I hadn't asked them. They let me down badly and we're not friends any more.

Sadderday · 15-08-2014 3:46pm

My OH invited everyone at party last week...

Just gonna not invite the people we don't really know and invite the other shams to the afters

Milly33 · 15-08-2014 4:44pm

Id say it would be ok... Sure if ye have fallen out then it might just add pressure to the day and you don't want that

Julie_Lnv · 15-08-2014 8:44pm

color_girl wrote: »

would you simply not invite them when the official invite were sent out?

Has anyone ever done this before or had it done to them??

YES

The one point to take into consideration: if you've gone from friends to... acquaintances, after not inviting them you will officially be an enemy

Well if you are already there, then by all means don't feel bad about uninviting them.

nearzero · 18-08-2014 12:42pm

Julie_Lnv wrote: »

YES

The one point to take into consideration: if you've gone from friends to... acquaintances, after not inviting them you will officially be an enemy
Well if you are already there, then by all means don't feel bad about uninviting them.

Hrm... you see this is the thing. We have gone from friends to acquaintances, pretty strained & petty.

And I do want to seem like the bigger person but I really dont want to invite them! Its crunch time really... friends or enemy!

Or invite them & hope they dont come but my wedding is so small I really dont want to run that risk!

neris · 18-08-2014 12:56pm

have you got another friend whos aware of your situation that could maybe "suggest" to the other person that they dont go to the wedding?

nearzero · 18-08-2014 1:25pm

neris wrote: »

have you got another friend whos aware of your situation that could maybe "suggest" to the other person that they dont go to the wedding?

Oh that would be a good idea... I would be warying though of asking the friend who is aware to do that though, she would feel a bit caught in the middle. She has already said once she wants to stay out of it. But she agrees with me that this friend has acted badly.

Sunny Dayz · 18-08-2014 1:30pm

If you are having an afters, perhaps you could invite them to that?

nearzero · 18-08-2014 1:38pm

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

If you are having an afters, perhaps you could invite them to that?

Yeah that would be the easy way out... not having an afters/afters invite. Wedding is a decent distance & its very small

dee_mc · 18-08-2014 1:44pm

color_girl wrote: »

Yeah that would be the easy way out... not having an afters/afters invite. Wedding is a decent distance & its very small

You could meet with her and mention that you've scaled down your numbers and wanted to give her the heads up that some friends now can't be invited. Don't give any excuses, just state it as fact. It sounds like you've already lost any respect for her and you're not friends anymore, so why not draw a line under it now instead of having someone you don't particularly like as part of your special day. Avoid the drama

nearzero · 18-08-2014 2:10pm

dee_mc wrote: »

You could meet with her and mention that you've scaled down your numbers and wanted to give her the heads up that some friends now can't be invited. Don't give any excuses, just state it as fact. It sounds like you've already lost any respect for her and you're not friends anymore, so why not draw a line under it now instead of having someone you don't particularly like as part of your special day. Avoid the drama

Yeah that is the honest thing to do really... hrm, off to do some thinking! I feel bad that our friendship has gone this road but I havent done anything wrong, and I kinda feel sad after so long that I'm not sure there is a way back.

D3PO · 18-08-2014 2:18pm

if you dont want them there dont send them an invite. However as you verbally invited them the least you could do is actually explain speak to them about not providing an invite after all.

You dont have to give them the real reason if you think it will offend but you should give them some reason as a courtesy.

lazygal · 18-08-2014 2:34pm

color_girl wrote: »

Yeah that is the honest thing to do really... hrm, off to do some thinking! I feel bad that our friendship has gone this road but I havent done anything wrong, and I kinda feel sad after so long that I'm not sure there is a way back.

As I said above I was in an almost identical situation. We also shared several mutual friends so I mainly asked the person concerned so there'd be no 'oh why isn't so and so invited' moments. I regret asking the person. They let me down on the day and afterwards I was quite annoyed with a few things they did at an event my parents hosted the following day (the person turned up without having RSVPd and it was extremely awkward for a number of reasons). So I would say if you really don't think there's a friendship worth salvaging I would leave them off the list, say nothing about it and move on.

Toots · 18-08-2014 4:07pm

lazygal wrote: »

As I said above I was in an almost identical situation. We also shared several mutual friends so I mainly asked the person concerned so there'd be no 'oh why isn't so and so invited' moments. I regret asking the person. They let me down on the day and afterwards I was quite annoyed with a few things they did at an event my parents hosted the following day (the person turned up without having RSVPd and it was extremely awkward for a number of reasons). So I would say if you really don't think there's a friendship worth salvaging I would leave them off the list, say nothing about it and move on.

I agree. If things have chilled between you to point of being strained in the time between you verbally inviting them and now, then I'd be surprised if they expected to be invited anyway. Don't invite them, and if they kick up and start asking why, just calmly explain that you're having a small/intimate wedding and that due to the way your relationship has changed, you didn't feel it was appropriate to invite her.

Wabbit Ears · 20-08-2014 2:46pm

I fell out with the person who would have been one of my groomsmen.

We werent in contact at all on the run up to the wedding so I just didnt make contact and didnt send an invite.

It really was a non issue, in fact, Im 100% sure they would then be in the awkward situation of having to come up with a reason not to come.

So really, unless the other person is under a false illusion the the friendship is still there or strong then just forget about it, do nothing. Life goes on without people.

The Bishop Basher · 20-08-2014 2:53pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

I fell out with the person who would have been one of my groomsmen.

We werent in contact at all on the run up to the wedding so I just didnt make contact and didnt send an invite.

It really was a non issue, in fact, Im 100% sure they would then be in the awkward situation of having to come up with a reason not to come.

So really, unless the other person is under a false illusion the the friendship is still there or strong then just forget about it, do nothing. Life goes on without people.

This ×100.

Most people aren't that arsed going to weddings unless they're very close friends or family. It's an expensive day out for all including guests and most of them end up pretty samey and boring unless you're there with a gang of mates.

Just don't invite them and say nothing. Chances are they'll be thankful you spared them from making excuses not to go or worse still, attending a function they have no interest in attending.

streetcar · 26-08-2014 10:33am

Not sure if you have spoken to your friend yet but I can speak from the other side... I am hoping to not be invited to a wedding. Its a person part of our group but they have not been a friend to me in 2 years. Only reason that they would invite me is to stop questions being asked and/or to put it back on me to refuse to come.
I am hoping they have the cop that neither of us care for each other in the same way as we once did. I wish them the best for their day and their life with their new partner but I would find it extremely awkward to be there. There is no personal connection anymore.
Unless your friend is not aware of the demise of your friendship or would rather save face with other friends rather than letting you get in with your day in peace, they probably would be relieved to not go.

nearzero · 26-08-2014 11:02am

streetcar wrote: »

Not sure if you have spoken to your friend yet but I can speak from the other side... I am hoping to not be invited to a wedding. Its a person part of our group but they have not been a friend to me in 2 years. Only reason that they would invite me is to stop questions being asked and/or to put it back on me to refuse to come.
I am hoping they have the cop that neither of us care for each other in the same way as we once did. I wish them the best for their day and their life with their new partner but I would find it extremely awkward to be there. There is no personal connection anymore.
Unless your friend is not aware of the demise of your friendship or would rather save face with other friends rather than letting you get in with your day in peace, they probably would be relieved to not go.

Thanks for your reply - really interesting to hear it from the other side.

I think because the breakdown in the friendship was so recent & now things are so strained, I'm really unsure of how she views the situation but when I'm honest - I'm not sure I care. She has been very petty & un-friend like in many ways & I do think it would be awkward if she came out of some pettiness or delusion... for me, my family & mutual friends. So why would I do that to myself when I honestly really dont want to see her again.

I have deliberately stopped contacting her - realising that I was the one doing all the chasing & keeping up the friendship - and interesting how I havent heard one word from her. So I think that pretty much sums it up.

Thanks for everyones replies!

streetcar · 27-08-2014 10:17am

color_girl wrote: »

Thanks for your reply - really interesting to hear it from the other side.

I think because the breakdown in the friendship was so recent & now things are so strained, I'm really unsure of how she views the situation but when I'm honest - I'm not sure I care. She has been very petty & un-friend like in many ways & I do think it would be awkward if she came out of some pettiness or delusion... for me, my family & mutual friends. So why would I do that to myself when I honestly really dont want to see her again.

I have deliberately stopped contacting her - realising that I was the one doing all the chasing & keeping up the friendship - and interesting how I havent heard one word from her. So I think that pretty much sums it up.

Thanks for everyones replies!

It sounds like you are in my position with your feelings on the friendship. I dont know which is worse, feeling you have to invite the friend (I would not like to invite my ex-friend even though she is still part of the larger group), or wanting to refuse an invite from someone who actually doesnt care for your friendship & is doing it because they are either feel that they have to or dont want to be the one to pull the trigger on the non-attendance!

I think that we all hope to only go through this wedding planning once in our lives. A lot of things will change in the years after the wedding and it sounds like your friendship is already beyond repair so i would just do what you really want. Ultimately, it will be one less thing to stress about on the day. you want to be happy, comfortable and relaxed on your wedding day. Dont let anything distract from that.

Wedding Invite dilemma

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