Boyfriend didn't invite me to his birthday

24-04-2015 1:44am #1

I don't really know what I'm looking for here but here goes.
Last week was my boyfriends birthday. We've been going out just over 3 years and to be far we've never made a big deal of birthdays and stuff. Anyway he said he didn't want anything and that we'd just hang out some might instead. Then i see on facebook(he's not on fb but his friends are) that he went on a massive night out with his friends(male and female) and didn't invite me.
WTF

athtrasna · 24-04-2015 6:03am

I think this is something you need to talk to him about. Us guessing what his motivation might have been would not be good for you. Talk to him, be calm if you can.

HalloweenJack · 24-04-2015 6:49am

You need to talk to him to clarify but I can guess at two possibilities:

1) His friends surprised him and took him out for his birthday.

2) He planned it and didn't want you to be there.

heretochat · 24-04-2015 9:57am

HalloweenJack wrote: »

You need to talk to him to clarify but I can guess at two possibilities:

1) His friends surprised him and took him out for his birthday.

2) He planned it and didn't want you to be there.

If it was 1), should he not have contacted her to say what was going on and to invite her at that point?

Sorry OP but it looks very like 2) to me and that does not bode well.

3 years is a long time to be going out with someone and to be treated like that

pookie82 · 24-04-2015 10:38am

247365 wrote: »

I don't really know what I'm looking for here but here goes.
Last week was my boyfriends birthday. We've been going out just over 3 years and to be far we've never made a big deal of birthdays and stuff. Anyway he said he didn't want anything and that we'd just hang out some might instead. Then i see on facebook(he's not on fb but his friends are) that he went on a massive night out with his friends(male and female) and didn't invite me.
WTF

Are you sure this night was FOR his birthday? Did something posted indicate that the celebration was in honour of this?

Could be that he went on a last minute night out that had nothing to do with the date. Sometimes even if you're not keen on marking the day, if work colleagues etc. find out they can coax you for a "ah go on for the day that's in it" drink that can turn into a night out pretty fast.

Otherwise, it looks fairly bad for you guys if he actively wanted to celebrate without you, but WITH everyone else.

HalloweenJack · 24-04-2015 12:20pm

heretochat wrote: »

If it was 1), should he not have contacted her to say what was going on and to invite her at that point?

Arguably, yes. But maybe he was taken to the pub straight after work and he knew that the OP was in work at that moment or had to work the next day or was studying or wouldn't be able to make it to the place where the party is quickly (supposing they live in Dublin or have a LDR).

But this is all guesswork, we don't know the exact details.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2015 1:33pm

HalloweenJack wrote: »

Arguably, yes. But maybe he was taken to the pub straight after work and he knew that the OP was in work at that moment or had to work the next day or was studying or wouldn't be able to make it to the place where the party is quickly (supposing they live in Dublin or have a LDR).

But this is all guesswork, we don't know the exact details.

+ 1 that's what my thinking would be, if it was a surprise or unplanned night out it can be hard to call people to come join. We don't know the OP or their OH so we don't know if they are in the habit of texting through out the day/night, if they see each other every day or only a few times a week, or how far away they live/work from each other…etc etc

I'd ask OP was the Facebook tagged as "BF Birthday night" or something similar? It could be the went out for a few drinks after work and then it turned into one of those nights and wasn't an organised planned event.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-04-2015 1:38pm

Have you spoken to him? Nobody here knows whether he planned it, whether it was planned for him as a surprise, whether it was just a few drinks that turned into a big night out. I'm surprised after 3 years you don't feel able to talk to him and ask him.

daheff · 24-04-2015 1:41pm

HalloweenJack wrote: »

1) His friends surprised him and took him out for his birthday.

If his friends surprised him, would they not have invited the GF too?

24-04-2015 9:50pm

Thanks guys for yer replies so far.

To give ye some insight:
-We wouldn't talk/text everyday.
-We live about 15mins from each other.
-It was a pre planned thing because 2 of his friends are married to each other and their birthdays are the same day as his so they had a joint night out.

I haven't really spoken to him since, mostly because i was so put out I haven't wanted to see him.

I guess I wanted some kind of conformation that i wasn't being over sensitive and had a right to be upset.
Thanks again guys.

LadyAthame · 24-04-2015 10:28pm

I would be like you WTF?

Personally I would wonder is there something there he does not want me to see...i.e strippers or worse....

CaraMay · 24-04-2015 10:46pm

Given your update, that's very very bad form. How has your relationship been as his actions are very close to dumping territory

mapaca · 24-04-2015 11:07pm

He owes you some explanation at the very least. It's up to you whether you accept his explanation or not. At the moment it looks very bad for him, no wonder you are upset.

Toots · 25-04-2015 12:21am

OP do you get on well with his friends? Seeing your second post, it looks like a dick move on his behalf. Maybe it's just me, but it struck me as a bit odd that ye're going out for 3 years, live 15 minutes away from each other, and wouldn't speak to each other every day. Honestly, I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and text/call/meet him and ask him what the deal is.

catonthewire · 25-04-2015 1:30am

Did he seriously think you weren't going to find out????...

Honest advice OP, you need to ask him outright EXACTLY why you were not invited, it doesn't matter who organized the night out...
You are his girlfriend of three years, their were lots of couples there and he really has some explaining to do..

jimd2 · 25-04-2015 4:40am

He sounds like a dick tbh.

Use this as an opportunity to reassess what you are getting from the 'relationship'. Might be time to call it a day.

sadie1502 · 25-04-2015 6:21am

Its not really his friends place to leave you out. I cant imagine me ever being in a position like that and if I was well it would be time to call it a day. Clearly you weren't wanted there. You should have been the first person the friends contacted if it was a surprise party. Do the friends know you even exist? Im with my boyfriend three years also and there's not a day that goes by where we dont talk. I would be the first person he would want there af his birthday celebration. I for one would really need to look at your relationship do you want to be with someone like this? You live 15 mins away if it was a surprise to him why did he not ring you that night to say come over. All very odd IMO.

whiskeyman · 25-04-2015 7:58am

You've been going out 3 years, yet you wouldn'tt talk or text every day?
Sounds like you aren't kids either.
I'd be more worried where you see this relationship going as you're both getting on in life.

December2012 · 25-04-2015 8:09am

It sounds like his friends were celebrating their birthday anyway, and invited him. He didn't invite you because you don't celebrate birthdays (which personally I find a bit odd but there you go).

you didn't want to celebrate his birthday with him and you're annoyed he celebrated it with others.

You were happy as long as he was on his own.

Bad form on your part.

Mr. Incognito · 25-04-2015 8:20am

I am going to disagree with most people here.

It was a few beers. It wasn't a dinner or a family orientated bash. It was a few beers with mates.

If he doesn't celebrate birthdays then that's all it was to him, a night out and anyone in any relationship is entitled to have a night out with their mates. If there are pics on hisorry Facebook he probably thinks nothing of it.

If you want to make a big deal over his birthday then you could have arranged something. Seems like you are blowing up a night out he had because it happened to be his birthday.

I would not go in guns blazing but would make discreet enquiries. Do you normally go out as a couple?

Would he normally

Rachiee · 25-04-2015 8:23am

Could it be that it was actually his friend celebrating their birthday that he went too and then everyone was like hey it's your birthday too !! Ah joint birthday party, that would only make sense though if his friend hatred you otherwise he probably still should invited you. But it sounds like he didn't really consider it his party but his friends party that he tagged along on

whatdoicare · 25-04-2015 8:33am

Who the hell goes on a night out with couples and doesn't think to invite their girlfriend, even if its just a few beers and not birthday related at all??

OP if the other friends wives/girlfriends were at this night out birthday bash then it was very bad form.
If it was just the lads, Id say fair enough, lads night out no girls allowed but you say there was girls there so most likely it wasn't a lads night out.

Id be well annoyed by that and very hurt too. Three years is a long time to be in a relationship, if you only started going out with him id say nothing but you're well established at this stage, it was a dick move on his part. Does he not see you as a couple or are you a friend with benefits? Time to start asking serious relationship questions.

PCX · 25-04-2015 8:35am

If the boyfriend thought she wouldn't want to come or wouldn't enjoy the night he should have told her about it but made it clear that there was no pressure to come if she didn't want to.

December2012 wrote: »

you didn't want to celebrate his birthday with him and you're annoyed he celebrated it with others.

You were happy as long as he was on his own.

Bad form on your part.

You are twsting what the OP said. She said that the boyfriend had told her he didn't want to do anything to mark it and that they would celebrate together another night.

In the age of mobile phones and text messages it wouldn't have been hard for him to let her know he was going out celebrating even if it was spur of the moment. If only because he should have realised that if she found out later she was left out she could be upset (rightly imo). After a 3 year relationship it should be natural for him to concider his girlfriends feelings.

Big Bag of Chips · 25-04-2015 10:13am

All anyone here can do is speculate.
- maybe he didn't think of it as a birthday night out for him
- maybe he knew but didn't think you wanted to go
- maybe he knew but didn't want you to go
- maybe he just didn't even consider that you might be upset
- maybe he saw it as a night out 'with the lads', where a few girls just happened to be out too
- maybe you never even crossed his mind

Nobody here knows what he thought. He's the only one who did. I take it this was last weekend? So you had not spoken to him all week? Would that be normal?

After 3 years it's fair enough that you are a bit put out, but not talking to him about it isn't going to solve anything. He's not on Facebook. He has no idea you know. So you're not talking to him, yet hoping he'll figure out you're not talking to him and know why. If the night out wasn't a big thing for him, if it was just a night out that happened to be around his birthday, then he has no idea you're pissed off.

Talk to him. He's the only one who can tell you what happened and why.

meeeeh · 25-04-2015 6:30pm

One of my friends and his ex would always celebrate his birthday together and more often than not with his friends. I have no idea if they did anything together for her birthday but he definitely wasn't present when she went out for with her friends. He thought they were all idiots and I think the feeling was mutual.

The context is everything and as suggested you should talk to your bf first. We all have different arrangements regarding birthdays. And it is hard to judge weather you should be seriously annoyed, slightly annoyed or not annoyed at all.

suicide_circus · 25-04-2015 7:27pm

You won't like this OP but is there any chance you're no craic on a night out? Does he have to curb his merriment when he's with you in a bar? It is possible that he loves you but that he also has a less fun night out when you're present.

StripedBoxers · 25-04-2015 9:12pm

Have to say OP, this looks really bad, and if I was in your position, I would be asking him a lot of questions and have a serious and frank discussion.

My partner and I are together four years, and since we were together two years his friend have always asked me along on nights out, whether there were other women there or not. Countless times they've planned lads nights out and asked me along, and if any of them were planning a party or night out for him they would without doubt tell me and invite me along, not one of his friend would plan something and not invite me.

Personally if my partner was like that with me, I would be wondering why, and I'd also wonder about his friends and why they (presumably) assumed it was okay to exclude me like that.

freshpopcorn · 25-04-2015 11:41pm

I know before I often didn't plan to go on night outs or just go out for a pint and if you looked at the photos it would look like I had a massive night out.
I knew a girls who couldn't get her head around how I could have a big night out with so little planning. All a guy has to do is hop in the shower and put on clothes. Women generally make more of an effort with make up, hair, clothes, etc. Takes a lot more time and planning

freshpopcorn · 25-04-2015 11:41pm

I know before I often didn't plan to go on night outs or just go out for a pint and if you looked at the photos it would look like I had a massive night out.
I knew a girls who couldn't get her head around how I could have a big night out with so little planning. All a guy has to do is hop in the shower and put on clothes. Women generally make more of an effort with make up, hair, clothes, etc. Takes a lot more time and planning.

ongarboy · 27-04-2015 1:02pm

247365 wrote: »

Thanks guys for yer replies so far.

To give ye some insight:
-We wouldn't talk/text everyday.
-We live about 15mins from each other.
-It was a pre planned thing because 2 of his friends are married to each other and their birthdays are the same day as his so they had a joint night out.

I haven't really spoken to him since, mostly because i was so put out I haven't wanted to see him.

I guess I wanted some kind of conformation that i wasn't being over sensitive and had a right to be upset.
Thanks again guys.

There is no point seeking confirmation from the rest of us when we (and you) don't yet know the actual facts. Why justify the right to be upset and inflict such a negative emotion on yourself when you haven't communicated with your partner yet? Open communication would resolve this and many other issues couples face.

Yes, after the facts have been shared with you, you may still be upset but at least it will be based on actual evidence from which you can then decide the relationship needs some work.

Alternatively, once your OH explains what happened as something he had no input in and was made a far bigger deal than he (who has no interest in birthdays) possibly thought would happen and just treated it as a night out with mates which he often does independently of you, then you probably can laugh it off as not a big deal.

You need to talk to him rather than soliciting opinions and speculations from people who don't know the facts.

jimmycrackcorm · 27-04-2015 1:24pm

247365 wrote:

To give ye some insight: -We wouldn't talk/text everyday. -We live about 15mins from each other. -It was a pre planned thing because 2 of his friends are married to each other and their birthdays are the same day as his so they had a joint night out.

It sounds to me that he looks at it as a boys night and not his birthday celebration specifically.

ShaShaBear · 27-04-2015 5:31pm

Is it not possible that his friends, who are celebrating THEIR birthday, threw a party and invited him? Maybe he went out of respect to his friends, who do believe in celebrating THEIR birthdays? Maybe he didn't invite you because they don't like you. Maybe they went to a venue with limited numbers and he wasn't given a plus one. Maybe he was there for all of 3 minutes handing over a birthday card and having a pint and didn't see the point in asking you out since he wasn't staying.

How about you ask him? Or just dump him and say nothing, which seems to be what you are hoping we'll say?

Boyfriend didn't invite me to his birthday

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