Some writing tips and feedback? =]

CelticDragon7 · 07-04-2013 8:10pm #1

Hey everyone!

I would appreciate it if you all would maybe read my writing and let me know what you think and maybe also give me some tips on how I could make it better??

Thanks

As Wolvrek gazed far into the distance, he fixed his eyes on the vast hills ahead of him and for a brief moment, he excitedly thought he saw the movement of horses but at a second glance it was just his tired eyes playing tricks, all was quiet and all was calm. This was much to his disappointment as the day was very early and time was moving rather slowly. He hadn’t had much sleep and the sun which was high in the sky and shining so brightly wasn’t helping matters. He turned around stepped down from his lookout, took off his silver helmet and rubbed the sweat from the front of his wavy haired head. His position on top of the old city gates offered him little shade and he was in need of a cold drink.

He had thought the early summer weather was most unusual as he remembered that at this time a year ago the frost of winter was still in full bite. He remembered this vividly because tomorrow was the day of his birth and in as many of his 25 years that he could be expected to remember, he had never had one with sunshine. In truth most other days he would have appreciated the beauty and warmth of the sunlight but today its fiery rays breathed down heavily upon his neck, and the thick, plated armour he was wearing only added to his discomfort, so the last thing he wanted on this day was the piercing red sun. But as this day was the start of the sacred festival of light he believed half-heartedly that maybe the hot weather was a divine blessing from the Gods and so full-heartedly he dared not to curse it too much.

As he walked around in circles trying to remain awake he thought to himself, if only last night he hadn’t drank so much of the damn wine, or lost so much of his coins at the damn cards. Both matters pained him greatly. But it was the effects of the wine that troubled him most as he had a long day ahead of him and already he was dreaming of his uncomfortable barrack bed. He was also painfully aware though, that to sleep on guard duty was a most serious crime and punishable by death, he knew for sure that even if he collapsed in the sun, he would face the lash at the very least. But he was no new recruit he had been a city guardsman for eight long years, he knew his duties and today would be such a day and he did not want to miss it. So with a long yawn and a deep breath he managed to find a new lease of life. He put on his helmet, walked back to his lookout and once more gazed upon the vast hills. Almost instantly he began daydreaming of what lay beyond them.

He had lived in the city state of Kalandria all his life and had never traveled to any of the other twelve, City States, Kingdoms and Republics that made up the territory of the free lands and its union. In fact he had never even traveled a mile beyond the city gates. His duties and low social standing made sure of it. In his heart though, he longed for travel and tales of afar and in his mind he dreamed of these things. He had done so ever since he was a child. Always wondering what these faraway lands were like and of the people that lived there, of what they ate, of what they wore and of what they looked like. It was a game that he had taken with him to adulthood, although now he dreamed more of what their women looked like as he had heard tales of their beauty and stories of their endeavors from the drunken drifters and old soldiers who filled the city taverns.

Today he wouldn't need to dream though because today would be like none he had ever experienced before or was ever likely to again. Today was a special day not just because it was the first day of the festival of light but because luckily for him and for the first time in living memory, it was being hosted in Kalandria and so today, great; Princes, Princesses, Generals, Diplomats and the finest Nobility from each of the free lands would all travel to his city and they would all pass directly under his gate and directly under his eager and watchful eyes. In all of his years as a guardsman, and indeed in all of the years of his life, never had he seen the city and the people in such state of excitement. Never had he himself felt so excited.

And then within an instance all the excitement in his face began to drain away as the uneasy feeling that someone was creeping up behind him began to take hold. In the blink of an eye he pulled his sword from its scabbard, made a swift about turn and lead with the fighting stance of a high guard . . .

CelticDragon7 · 17-04-2013 7:54pm

The horses by now were trotting very slowly. The heat had become almost unbearable for both horse and man. Prince Arsan didn’t want to ask his elder brother how far away they were from the great city but his horse he felt, was near at breaking point and the Hills of Harrock were no place to be traveling on foot.

“How far have we left to travel brother?” he said, in a tired and dehydrated voice.

“Another few hours and we should reach the safety of her borders.” answered Prince Rasak, in a confident manner.

Sensing his brothers unease he continued “And a few hours after that we should be in sight of the city. Smiling he boasted “Don’t worry little brother I won’t let a bandit take of your head! Father would never forgive and I would have no one to make fun of anymore. Besides, tonight you and I have royal business in the finest taverns and brothels that Kalandria has to offer. So relax!”

His brothers words did help settle Arsans nerves a little but he was not like his older brother and this was the first trip that his father, King Raasin had allowed him to travel on. He was young, nervous and afraid. He and Rasak were to represent his father, the King of Calla and his kingdom at the festival of light and more importantly at the high council. It was a great honour and a show of the faith that the King had in his sons

“What is it like brother? The city I mean. I hear its buildings are huge and that they were built by the Gods themselves thousands of years before even history was written”.

Rasak brought his horse to a stop, and in doing so holding up the whole convoy of horses and carriage that numbered some 50 men.

“They say that on top of the tallest tower in Kalandria you can touch the sky and if you are lucky the Gods touch you back! It is said that the great kings of old did this and that when the Gods touched them, they empowered them and their heirs with the right to rule forever each of their kingdoms. Some believe that even today it still commands this power to those who are worthy!”

“What do you believe? asked Arsan eagerly.”

Rasak spoke in a voice and in a mannerism almost identical to his father. “I believe that I have seen taller mountains and that it is only history that tells the truth not legend; for most of those kingdoms of old are no more and most of the true lines of kings are dead! The hands of the Gods do not win battles or wars. Kingdoms are made and broken by the hand and the sword and the blood that is spilled.”

As Rasak went to give the signal for the convoy to continue he turned his eyes to the bluffs to the right and then over to the trees on the left. In that brief moment Arsan saw for the first time unease in his brother’s eyes.

“What is it?” he said anxiously.

“Do not panic and keep looking straight ahead, do not look to your right or left and keep your horse moving! We appear to have company little brother!” Rasak had not yet seen who this company was but he knew they were there and he knew that the convoy was in a vulnerable position to any attack

Arsan did what his brother asked and looked straight into the mountains ahead. He had never been in a fight before, and he was trying to remember all that he had been taught from the Master of Arms the man his father had tasked with teaching him about war and warfare. His mind went blank and all he could remember was that in a sword fight he should stand sideways and make himself a smaller target. How the hell would that help in the current situation he thought! His heart was racing and his hand shaking.

“When will they attack? What are they waiting for? Who are they?” he said with his voice easily giving away how afraid he was.

“Keep calm brother and follow my le. . . “. Before Ransak could finish, suddenly an arrow struck the left side of his neck, going straight through, with the tip coming out the other side! The blood splattered directly on to Arsans face and Ransak instantly fell from his horse.

The 50 knights of Calla in the Convoy immediately formed defensive positions without any orders to do so from Prince Arsan, who was suspended in a full state of shock and simply staring at his dying brother lying on the ground.

Hill Bandits appeared on both sides of the convoy, coming over the hills, up from the ground and running out of the trees! They numbered in the hundreds and they were quickly getting closer to the Prince and the remaining Knights of the Calla who had not been struck by the first wave of arrows.

“My Prince he is dead, there is nothing you can do! He is dead. We must ride for the gap.” Urged Captain Jarin of the Calla Knights who had rode the length of the convoy to protect and advise the young Prince.

His words at first went over the young Princes head, as he looked down at the bloody neck of Ransak, who was now motionless and almost certainly dying if not dead

“My Prince!” Shouted Jarin as a haze of arrows narrowly missed both of them and the bandits either side got closer.

Finally Arsan responded and realised the severity of the situation. “The Gap?” he asked

“Yes my Prince, we must drop the wagons, carriage and supplies and ride full speed ahead for the gap.” Jarin proposed as he struggled to keep steady his horse which was spooked in all the noise and commotion.
“We must guard my brother, we cannot leave him here, he is a prince and there will need to be a burial.” Said Arsan naively as more and more he realised just how grave the situation had become.

“And who will bury us my prince?” Jarin preached! “They are bandits they only want to loot, blunder, and steal. They vastly out number us, let them take what they want, we can come back for the bodies. It is better that our great King and your father loses only one son today and not two!”
The Knights of the Calla were good warriors and great calvary soldiers but when caught off guard, almost surrounded and heavily outnumbered there was little they could do but fight and die valiantly and in the process hope to take as many of the bandits with them as they could

At the head of the convoy, the young Prince surrounded for protection by the Captain and 8 Knights finally started to assess the situation as a leader, the back of the convoy was overrun and the knights of the Calla were dropping fast. At least half now lay dead

“Dismount”. Cried the young Prince as Jarin and the knights reluctantly did so in a stare of disbelief.

“Protect the Prince!” shouted Captain Jarin as he thrust his sword into the head of an incoming bandit. The fighting was now fierce and hand to hand.

The Prince knelt over Ransaks body kissed him on the head, paused for a brief moment and then took his brothers sword and jumped back on his horse! “Knights of Calla, we ride for the gap.” He shouted! As the remaining knights killed their nearest foes, remounted their horses and prepared to follow the Prince

“To the gap!"

The Prince, Captain Jarin and 16 knights rode off in all haste and just about made it as the full force of the bandits reached the convoy. They rode at full gallop, not once looking behind them. Two knights were shot of their horses as they fled and a final arrow narrowly missed the young Princes head.

The young Prince still some what in shock, rode away realising that nothing would ever be the same again, his brothers death meant that he was now his fathers eldest son and so heir to the his fathers kingdom.

alfa beta · 23-04-2013 12:57am

Hey CelticDragon - interesting posts there.

Personally I think you have the potential to be quite a good writer and I'm sorta hoping you're young - coz that'll give you the time and scope to improve.

My worry about what you've posted is that you seem to be trying to force yourself into a style of writing that you're not quite at ease with - or perhaps that you're not quite practised enough with - and because of that it doesn't feel natural.

I think the sort of epic/historical/mythical thing you seem to be aiming for is very hard to achieve, both when writing narrative and dialogue, and you'll have to be very careful with your vocabulary to ensure the tone is consistent and appropriate throughout.

Couple of examples (taken sorta randomly from the start of your second post)

1. 'trotting' - this word doesn't feel right to me - it's a bit faffy and bouncy for what appears to be an increasingly arduous journey - i'd drop it and rewrite the sentence.

2. Similarly 'breaking point' seems a bit casual for the tone - maybe an alternative term there would be good.

2. 'a tired and dehydrated voice' - the word 'dehydrated' jumps out like a sore thumb there - it's far too 'scientific', far too 'modern' within the context of the scene - it also lacks any emotive resonance - you know, it doesn't make you feel for or empathise with the character - needs changing I think (and moreso than the other two examples above)

There's lots and lots of things I'd change - and I'm not going to go through them one by one, but that's what you need to do - go over what you've written with a fine tooth comb - ask yourself if every word used is the right one - is there a better one perhaps - a more appropriate or more evocative one? - also ask yourself if you need all the words you've used (For example I'd drop 'in a confident manner' completely from Rasak's reply at the start of post two - hey, he sounds confident when he says it - he leaves no room for doubt - it's pretty obvious to the reader that he's trying to encourage the younger brother - so no need to reinforce the fact - let the dialogue speak for itself.)

Finally just one more example of where you could drop a few words and improve flow. Again let's stick with start of post 2
"The horses by now were trotting very slowly. The heat had become almost unbearable for both horse and man."
I'd drop 'for both horse and man' - its repetitive - you've already told the reader the horses were going slowly - the second line then tells the reader why - you don't have to mention horses again - and let's face it, if it's hot for the horses it's gonna be hot for the men too so that phrase can be dropped completely. And if you finish that sentence at 'unbearable' I think it reads better.

Hey why not do a few revisions and rewrites on those two posts and see what you end up with. You might be surprised. Read it all aloud and slowly as you go - maybe even record it and listen back - you might hear those little incongruities a lot more easily than you'll see them.

KennethGregory · 25-04-2013 10:03am

Hi Celticdragon7,

Just thought I'd offer a little advice that Roddy Doyle gave - he said that every word has to justify its right to be on the page - pay real attention to the small words - I think this writing shows real talent but it needs editing - sometimes as a new writer we try to over complicate our writing to prove that we are good. - esp in commercial fiction, the story must flow and the lines should be easy to follow.

E.G. As Wolvrek gazed far into the distance, he fixed his eyes on the vast hills ahead of him (fixed and gazed - repetition) and for a brief moment, he excitedly thought ( perhaps remove excitedly)he saw the movement of horses ( perhaps remove of horses) but at a second glance it was just his tired eyes (second use of eyes ) playing tricks (modernism?), all was quiet and all was calm. (added or so it seemed - to add interest)

Maybe - Wolvrek scanned the rolling hills before him, searching for movement. It seemed he had been mistaken for nothing stirred. All was quiet, or so it appeared.

Feel free to dismiss at will - I'm probably off the mark
I'm very fortunate in that I have 3 editors who have the instruction - rip it to pieces - I've been kicked loads - it makes my writing better - Hope its helpful.
Ken

Brian Lighthouse · 01-05-2013 3:18am

I enjoyed the story, reading it was tough.

It reads as if it`s written for the screen and the actors will make the characters come to life.

The other reviewers make good points.

Emotion is the key to good story telling.

An American writer - I can`t remember his name - said something like this:
The first paragraph should grab the reader by the throat. Stick your thumb into their windpipe in the second and keep them pinned to the wall for the rest.

What a violent description for such a placid past-time?

Anyway, tug at the emotions of your readers.

I took one paragraph of yours:

“Keep calm brother and follow my le. . . “. Before Ransak could finish, suddenly an arrow struck the left side of his neck, going straight through, with the tip coming out the other side! The blood splattered directly on to Arsans face and Ransak instantly fell from his horse.

I made it longer (just as an example - ordinarily writers should cut words out) and put some emotion for the reader into it. I am not suggesting that you should write as I have. Naturally it is not brilliant. It is only an example of what can be done to make the reader feel for the character:

Arsan rehearsed victorious battles that he and his brother would fight. Side by side, nothing to separate them, forever. Ransak`s voice suppresses any insecurity. With his brother he is invincible.

A warm splatter on his face aroused him, looking up he saw Ransak grasping at his gurgling throat. An arrow had pierced straight through Ransak`s neck.

Arsan`s dream was drowning in the blood that was filling his brothers lungs. Helplessly he watched his brother fall dead from his horse. He didn`t know if it was blood or tears he wiped from his cheek. He knew that for the first time in his life he was alone.

Get some emotion into it and you will have a fine auld tale.
Most of all have fun writing.

Some writing tips and feedback? =]

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